Star Wars Crap

I'm sure most of you know that this site was originally called The C-3PO Times, but, after a fair amount of legal trouble, we settled on the current title. Needless to say, we are quite excited to see 3PO and his robot life companion in the news again. Here are a few products available in Japan.

This is a blanket/cape available at Uniqlo. Very stylish and perfect for 4 foot tall humans.

Robot shaving cream. This is probably the closest I'll ever get to enjoying a shave from 3PO.

Robot bath tablets. You can finally feel the warm sent of C-3PO wrapped around your body. Just as you've always imagined. 3PO smells like bananas and R2 like soda.

Robot facial tissues. The holy grail for robosexual collectors.

Boy Talk - Xtreme

Wow, this latest viral Boy Talk video already nearly has double digit views and just in time for the holiday season.

Spooky Halloween Toilet Paper

Let's just say wiping your butt just got a whole lot scarier around here! We've got ghosts, bats, and cats wearing a jester hat or maybe blood is flying out. And of course those creepy Christian crosses! Feeling chills just typing that! Good luck sleeping tonight, active fan base.

Getting Stuff Done

I think it's safe to say my life is going exactly as planned.

Bringing a Little JC to Japan

The people of Japan are nice and all, but it does bother me that you almost never hear the phrase, "Praise JC for real, dawg!" or other such phrases much. That's all about to change because of this clever wordplay! That winged, crucified man will heal your back. Come on in. Yeah, just relax. That's it.

 BOOM! GOT YOU! YOU'RE GOING TO HEAVEN NOW, DAWG! It's just that simple.

Halloween Roundup 2015

May this year's Halloween fireworks light up the sky of your life!

Halloween is growing in popularity every year in Japan. I think a huge part of it is just that stores want to sell crap to people and there aren't many good Japanese holidays to fill the void this time of year. Actually, the department store I went to today had Christmas crap up all over the place already. I even saw some Christmas displays a week ago. Still, it seems people enjoy doing things they imagine should be done on Halloween.

For example, there aren't really many pumpkins here, but there are a lot of mandarin oranges and persimmons,  so it makes sense that stickers are available to make "pumpkins".

More and more people are wearing some form of a costume. In my opinion, most are about as lame as possible. They're often very cheap with little to no thought put into them. Others are ridiculously good. I will give the 2015 Gaybotstume award to none other than Kyary Pamyu Pamyu for her David Bowie costume.

めっちゃ練習したからね😎 RT @iwasiwasi51: きゃりーちゃん！Mステみたよ！デヴィットボウイのポーズしててなんか面白くてきゃりーちゃんらしくてきゃりーちゃんに凄く似合ってたよ🎃@pamyurin pic.twitter.com/l6wCim0LHJ

— きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ (@pamyurin) October 30, 2015

I'm pretty sure that covers all the Halloween news here in Japan. Merry Christmas!

Halloween Ultraman

 I can't even tell if that jack-o-lantern is supposed to be Ultraman, one of the other characters, or just sort of from that universe. The eyes are similar, but the mouth is a normal pumpkin mouth. Anyway, I give the artist a B+.

This is an ad for the Autumn Family Mart Festival. If you spend ¥700 or more, you have a chance at winning a prize. Maybe the prize has something to do with Ultraman this time, but usually at these sort of events you win the canned coffee they couldn't sell, or something.

Happy Halloween to one and all.

Kyary as Boop

I know beauty is supposedly subjective and all, but take a look at this picture and tell me Kyary Pamyu Pamyu isn't the sexiest woman alive.

Betty Boop🚿 pic.twitter.com/iRoYICPg0C

— きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ (@pamyurin) October 24, 2015

Told you, dudez. Simply breathtaking.

Hunburger

Ha, ha, ha. I bet someone could make a really good Attila the Hun joke with this!

Munenori Kawasaki

Even if you don't like baseball, you might want to start cheering for the Toronto Blue Jays so we can get some more speeches out of Munenori Kawasaki. Here's what he had to say after the their last series victory.



He's a backup second baseman, and not even on the active roster for the playoffs. He's kind of lucky that they even let him be there, but clearly he knows how to motive and get the team focused. Only two more until the bush party.

"I have two books, bro."  -Munenori Kawasaki

M!LK - I Can't Drink Coffee

Love the attitude these dudez are rocking! This is their first single called "I Can't Drink Coffee". It's about trying to impress girls by drinking coffee even though you can't because it's bitter and stuff. It's something all us cool guyz can relate to. I'm sure you'll watch the whole video.



On another note, I want to thank a lot of you for your advice on how to impress girls. You've had a lot of great ideas, but unfortunately nothing has worked as of yet. As it turns out, it's looking like I might just need to change my wardrobe. This is the uniform M!LK usually wears:

本日はサンリオピューロランドにニコ生に盛り沢山でした〜！ピューロランドにお越し頂いた方、ニコ生をご視聴頂いた方ありがとうございました！#M!LK #EBiDAN #キティ#ニコ生 pic.twitter.com/IW8NpfK696

— M!LK_OFFICIAL_STAFF (@milk_info) August 19, 2015

本日よりM!LK『完全S・S・D！』配信開始！ ★iTunes　http://t.co/jb3KX0xD4I ★レコチョク　http://t.co/YKbHjkSYlt ★music.jp　http://t.co/EB0F9OEmlx pic.twitter.com/wntFgC90Kc

— M!LK_OFFICIAL_STAFF (@milk_info) July 7, 2015

Look out, ladies.

A Cute Girl?

What do you think of this young girl?

日本人の若い女の子は特に造形部分で非常にハードルが高かったのですが、湿度を含んだ柔らかい感触、この年代のもつ透明感、日本女子の柔らかく優しい感じなどを目標に作成 HPもアップしました　http://t.co/Ft7KgSxFG9 pic.twitter.com/uGDkYZrSfZ

— Yuka (@mojeyuka) October 13, 2015

You think she's cute?

You fool! That's not an underage school girl you're looking at. That's a 3DCG image created by married couple Teruyuki and Yuka Ishikawa. You're basically attracted to a bunch of 1s and 0s, you sicko!

I didn't fall for it at first, but I am pretty attracted to teenage ghosts, so this one got me a little bit, but just a little.

新しく現在作成中の一人目の3DCG character「Saya」です、今年のクリカンではこちらのキャラクターを中心により実践的なワークフローを紹介させていただく予定です。http://t.co/0Q2zsW6Z73 pic.twitter.com/xgdYax7pp6

— Yuka (@mojeyuka) October 13, 2015

Where's Waldo Gum

Japanese Gum Review #16

Lotte has finally listened to the consumers and made a Where's Waldo themed gum. By the way, it's Where's Wally in Japan. There were several different covers, and I chose the one where he's doing the traditional Fit's dance. If you don't know what I'm talking about... I don't have time for you. Please stop reading now.

You've probably noticed that Wally wears red and white. That's why you likely already guessed that this is a strawberry and milk flavored gum. Actually, it mostly tasted like really fake strawberry candy with a hint of fake milk. I'd say it was a little kid flavor.

The best part of this gum, hands down, was the back of the box. Free Where's Wally!!!!! (hint: he's wearing red and white).

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  Bumped it up from a 4.5 for the packaging. Why don't all boxes have crap like this?
Girlbot: 5  She says it tastes like a gum she had as a child.
Overall: 5

Character Spotlight: Fusan

When the Softbank Hawks win a baseball game a bunch of white jet balloons are released. The idea behind this year's new mascot, Fusan, is that he wants to someday fly with those balloons. He's a balloon.



The costume appears big enough for the person inside to move around and make it look like Fusan is bouncing on his head. That's kind of cool, but it's also cool that he can't get himself off the field.

ふうさん衝撃の退出シーン(°Д°) #sbhawks pic.twitter.com/wuuDOBEs5n

— かずみん＠ゴースカ最高！！ (@kazumin_sh41) June 21, 2015

Ginger Ale Soy Milk

Japanese Food Review #109

Juice-box-sized soy milk comes in many different flavors in Japan, but I'd never seen this one before. The front of the box tells you it's non-carbonated as well as a source for fiber, two things people are always looking for in their ginger ale soy milk. Also of note, this whole 200ml box is only 38 calories. Normal, non-sweetened soy milk would usually be 110 calories or so. The secret is that the second ingredient is lemon juice. It must be 40% of it or something. There's also actual ginger juice, which is something you won't find in most ginger ales these days.

It tasted mostly like ginger ale. Like pretty bad, strange ginger ale. I'm not sure I would have known there was soy milk in it at all just from the taste. I took three sips and wasn't repulsed, but I will never have it again.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3
Girlbot: 1  She thinks it tastes like if she mixed the homemade ginger ale she tried to make (which she thought was horrible) with soy milk.
Overall: 2

Cat Marketing

Just like the old adage, "Sex and multiple cat mouths sell." (I think they shortened it because they're basically the same thing).

今日のチラシ、今まで気づかなかったけれど猫おかしくないですか pic.twitter.com/E9mYmU5kx6

— 柳井いなや (@1461_1641) September 4, 2015

NBA

Can't believe I'm just learning now that NBA stands for New Boom Action. This explains so much.

Linny-kun

Maybe you dudez know that a mag-lev train is being built that will someday connect Tokyo and Osaka. There is still a debate about whether the train should go through Kyoto or Nara. One proud citizen of Nara has taken it upon himself to... I don't know what he thinks he's doing really, but he wants the train to go through Nara.

He has constructed an amazing costume and calls himself Linny-kun (the train is known as "linear" in Japanese). For some reason he's still only an unofficial character.

ネットで話題の奈良市・非公認ゆるキャラ「リニー君」 “中の人”が明かす誕生秘話 #ゆるキャラ #地域 http://t.co/dLIL4c5E7v pic.twitter.com/VqNqm16Ql7

— クランクイン！ (@crank_in_net) September 21, 2015

It's hard not to get super pumped up when you see a maybe dead train man with a human body but no face for some reason. But Linny-kun goes the extra mile to get the kids excited.

奈良の非公認ゆるキャラ「リニー君」が新しすぎてついていけないと話題に！ http://t.co/B3x7M38Xii #ゆるキャラ #リニー君 pic.twitter.com/57auGc0ggk

— Wha2UP!? (@Wha2Up) August 27, 2015

I guess he gives any kid who wants one a "ride". He also gave an especially lucky soccer player one.

残り６試合、全勝すれば可能性は十分にある。そしてホームもあと３試合全て3000人目指そう。Ｊにむかってリニー君にライド・オン！！ pic.twitter.com/ew2m4WUjgR

— ファンタジスタ・シンジ (@shinji826) September 22, 2015

Oh, I said he doesn't have a face, but, I don't know, he has the face of death or whatever.

リニー君も登場！ 奈良クラブvs横河武蔵野FCは13時キックオフ！ pic.twitter.com/qSuX5p6MZh

— 奈良市　スポーツ振興課 (@naracity_sports) September 20, 2015

Recently he sported a nice, new, yellow outfit.

【みんなの経済新聞】 奈良市非公認キャラ「リニー君」大忙し　黄色のドクターリニー君も初登場 http://t.co/ELqjwg3ZJu #速報 pic.twitter.com/XaOcNfE15m

— ニュース速報 (@news_sokuhou) September 27, 2015

Apparently he wore this in Nara Park where tame deer roam. He said, "The deer run away from the white costume, but they're attracted to the yellow." What a wise man. When asked about how he felt about pushing his face repeatedly into the ground of a park covered in deer crap, he said, "I'm used to it."

Source: Nara Keizai Shimbun

Evil Genius Victimizes Cake Shops

Check out this goldmine.

An unemployed 45 year old woman was arrested in Itami, Hyogo under the suspicion that she committed fraud... the most delicious kind of fraud. Police say she called 1,200 stores, most of which were cake shops, and asked for a refund saying things like, "There's a hair in my cake."

They say she made around 7000 calls to stores in 30 different cities all over the country between February and July of this year. She also called directory assistance about 4,650 times because she doesn't know that the internet exists.

Of course we all fantasize about finding a hair in our food so we get a refund and then still eat the entire dish, but who, other than maybe some 1930s cartoon character, would think to lie about it?

One can safely assume that she's rolling in dough (wink, wink, bread dough that is... because she called bakeries and stuff). The police have already told the press that one bread shop gave her ¥1085, and she swindled another cake shop into coughing up ¥356. When you're getting those kind of pay days, you can't really blame her for breaking the law.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Playboy Club

A lot of people might think that the great Hugh Hefner could sue a company for doing this, but I tend to think he doesn't have much of a case. Clearly different bunnies. This one's ear is bent down a little. Completely changes the whole vibe.

Cardboard Artist

I guess cardboard art is a thing because Monami Ohno says, "I am a Japanese cardboard artists." She certainly is one of the better cardboard artists, at least in Japan. You can follow her on twitter (@mbrid02) or instagram (mbrid01). Or you can look at some of her cardboard artworks below and then forget of her existence.

@mbrid02 ダンボールR2-D2の足や顔ははめているだけなので、向きを調整できます♪ pic.twitter.com/zEUnpMZUQb

— 大野萌菜美@ダンボール塾 (@mbrid02) September 18, 2015

スターウォーズダンボールAT-ST！ pic.twitter.com/ctUmeW9PDI

— 大野萌菜美@ダンボール塾 (@mbrid02) August 19, 2015

ダンボールアオウミガメ。ばっちり梱包完了です！ 台風が去り次第、台湾のクライアントの方へ旅立ちます。 Cardboard green turtle. To Taiwan. https://t.co/Vvl7AbFgPU pic.twitter.com/yZKgbnJhGX

— 大野萌菜美@ダンボール塾 (@mbrid02) August 20, 2015

狭い部屋。ダンボール作品をダンボール箱に入れて積み上げてます！ #ダンボール Cardboard Art https://t.co/OqijGy8j3k pic.twitter.com/wlPvgj3whG

— 大野萌菜美@ダンボール塾 (@mbrid02) July 29, 2015

A photo posted by Monami Ohno (@mbrid01) on Sep 22, 2015 at 9:58pm PDT

A photo posted by Monami Ohno (@mbrid01) on Nov 18, 2014 at 2:44am PST

A photo posted by Monami Ohno (@mbrid01) on Jul 22, 2015 at 4:20am PDT

Salted Salmon Soft Candy

Japanese Food Review #108

This candy is called Puccho. It's a soft candy with little chunks of gummy candy in it. I think it's a good brand as far as major soft candy brands go. This, obviously, looks repulsive. It's the first time I considered only taking a picture instead of doing a proper review, but I know there are readers out there that want to know if this is simply horrible or the worst snack of all time.

This diagram explains that there are gummies inside of a salted salmon flavored soft candy. Then that red thing in the middle represents real salmon flakes. What the hell.

I have to say, I do like the look of the candy.

I ate only the edge of one at first. It didn't really taste fishy at all. It kind of tasted lemony. I ate a little more and gave the rest to Girlbot. She agreed and was disappointed that it wasn't the worst thing in the history of the world. Then I ate a whole one... and there were several large chunks of salmon mixed with the lemony candy. It was disgusting.

Gaybot: 1  I have to say, I like the look of the candy and the package. I wish it didn't have fish inside of it.
Girlbot:  1
Overall: 1

It's tied for fourth worst snack reviewed on this site. Probably about right.

Garbage Animals

I found out that shoving trash in monkey mouths is technically illegal the hard way. Trust me on this, looping a track of monkey noises on your phone and hanging out in this park just makes more sense. Stay safe, guyz.

Military Recruitment

This is a Japan Self-Defense Forces recruitment poster. I wish I were Japanese so I could join and meet all those busty blonds.

Also of note: whoever owns this building and allowed this poster to be put up also allowed a "no war!" sign to be placed right below it.

Pic of the Day

アクシデント Wow that's gold medals

A photo posted by Yohei Morita (@koguhito) on Sep 15, 2015 at 5:56pm PDT

The Marketing of Farming

I often see pictures of farmers next to the product they supposedly produced. I guess it's meant to make you feel better seeing the person you're helping support, or something? Or you can see that some corporate robot or minorities weren't in charge of feeding the cow that you will soon consume?

Anyway, they must have done some market research that says the "I just saw the family dog get run over by a semi this morning" face moves the most product, because they usually look like this.

Star Wars Fan Appreciation Flight!!!!

I wrote about ANA making an R2-D2 airplane awhile back, but we can finally see the other two aircrafts that aren't as cool!



A more exciting development is that there will be a fan appreciation flight where employees are forced to look like character's from Star Wars/idiots!

The Fan Appreciation flight for R2-D2™ ANA JET will take off in Oct at Tokyo Haneda→http://t.co/speNH6APhW #STARWARS pic.twitter.com/saULd2CqSJ

— All Nippon Airways (@FlyANA_official) August 19, 2015

I don't know why, but I always feel safer when the pilots are wearing a Halloween costume. And what man hasn't dreamt of forcing a Japanese version of Princess Leia to explain that she can no longer serve you alcohol because you're out of control.

The Fan Appreciation flight for R2-D2™ ANA JET will take off in Oct at Tokyo Haneda→http://t.co/speNH6APhW #STARWARS pic.twitter.com/0cYXEedsXY

— All Nippon Airways (@FlyANA_official) August 19, 2015

And look! The cleaning staff can barely see! Let's make them walk up and down some stairs some more.

Tofu Ice Cream

Japanese Food Review #107

This is a snack I get every time I visit Ise Shrine. The store also sells tofu doughnuts. Here are some signs outside the store if you ever find yourself there.

Soy milk ice cream is not all that unusual, but I believe actual tofu ice cream is fairly rare. The sign says that 55% of the ice cream is a combination of tofu and soy milk. The tofu taste really comes through, but it is still sweet and it's the fresh, high quality tofu taste you might not be used to in other countries.

This sign says you should hold the cone up straight because the ice cream melts easily. I usually turn my cone upside down and then scream at the staff if any ice cream touches the floor, so I think they may have made this sign especially for me.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 8.5  I don't know if I would want it all the time, but I do enjoy the ritual of getting it when I find myself in Ise.
Girlbot: 10  She notes that people who don't like tofu will hate this ice cream.
Overall: 9.25

This snack is now in first place in the overall snack standings!!!!!!!!

Another Lovely Cup Noodle CM

The marketing folks at Cup Noodle should be in line for some sort of award. Really amazing stuff. This is another of their "Stay Hot" commercials and is the "love" edition. It again takes a look into the mind of a human that has just tasted their brand of instant noodles.

I think this commercial is fairly easy to understand. She turns into a giant and wears her building, dances with a giant shrimp, and falls in love with a noodle man. The only part that you may not get is that those yellow mushrooms are symbolizing a "world of eggs".

The Sex Picture Book

I guess there's a picture book to teach kids about sex in Japan.

｢せっくすのえほん｣ならしいｗ RT @himuka_523: #この画像がヤバいと思ったらRT　※激エロ注意！ pic.twitter.com/dEKRgf5M

— どみにゃん (@dominyant) February 3, 2012

I never realized that the penis is just the nose of your crotch face. I finally get what sex is now.

If you care, the text reads:

Dad's penis goes in mom's vagina. Sperm climb up to the womb. Many, many sperm jump out. This is called "sex" in English.

This book is called せっくすのえほん (sekkusu no ehon) and is said to be available in many public libraries in the kids corner. So go to the kids corner and start asking people where the sex books are when you have a chance. You won't be sorry.

Erotic Radishes

These are two daikons (large radishes found in Asia) made to look like man and lady parts. They're made in used in Matsusaka, Mie every February. The radishes are paraded around a small village as part of a ritual praying for a good harvest.

Pluky

This is a cooler. It doesn't really blow that much refreshing wind.

Alpaca Wedding

It's no secret that a lot of men aren't very excited about wedding ceremonies. That's all about to change because every red-blooded male's dream has finally come true in Tochigi, Japan: a wedding with an alpaca for a ring bearer!!! Can you believe it, guyz! Weddings ain't just for ladies anymore!

I know what you're all thinking, and the answer is yes, they force the alpaca to wear a red bow tie!

アルパカ結婚式 in エピナール那須♡ こんな結婚式も悪くない！ 皆さんもどーですか？ リツイートお願いします‼︎ pic.twitter.com/RntWf8OP0K

— CHIAKI (@minichua_chi_ko) August 17, 2015

“@PECO_japan: 【ニュース】アルパカと一緒に結婚式ができる日本の結婚式が世界中で話題！ http://t.co/qlm3oWaqtd pic.twitter.com/8vxzgBL9CY”

— クリスチャン デブタン (@Uchihara_) August 11, 2015

That alpaca is just loving life! Now you're probably all wondering about touching policies. I couldn't find much about this, and the hotel didn't respond to my English screams over the phone, but it does appear that sandwiching the alpaca with bride and groom kisses is encouraged!

モフモフのアルパカがウェディングをお祝い！那須のリゾートホテルの結婚式サービスにアルパカ登場｜栃木県 那須郡那須町｜「Webマガジン コロカル」 http://t.co/VMvBnaCnju pic.twitter.com/dPaz3w43Yh

— ミニヤギのしろぺん@LINEスタンプ発売 (@shiropen) August 18, 2015

モフモフのアルパカがウェディングをお祝い！那須のリゾートホテルの結婚式サービスにアルパカ登場｜栃木県 那須郡那須町｜「Webマガジン コロカル」 http://t.co/VMvBnaCnju pic.twitter.com/dPaz3w43Yh

— ミニヤギのしろぺん@LINEスタンプ発売 (@shiropen) August 18, 2015

栃木では結婚式にアルパカが参列するらしいwwwwwww http://t.co/QsxILnmdnI pic.twitter.com/c3GWT1c9Rn

— 海外の反応 (@kaigai_react) July 17, 2015

I'm sure a lot of you are relieved to see that cross up there. Yes, it's a wedding Jesus would most certainly approve of. The wedding will only set you back ¥488,000 or a little over $4000.

Tonikaku Akarui Yasumura

This guy has been on TV lately doing poses that make him appear to be naked even though he's wearing underwear. It's a pretty good thing to be famous for. In this video he introduces an American pose and speaks English perfectly.

Here's some other poses:

ヘイ！！ RT @sakuramana0000: ヘイッ！（三人ver） pic.twitter.com/vudHicV1Uz

— とにかく明るい安村 (@yasudebu) April 1, 2015

ありがとうございます！イェーイ！ RT @owarai_natalie: とに安プレゼンツ「とにかく楽しいピンネタライブ」にR-1王者ら集結 http://t.co/Wum8UwyoD8 pic.twitter.com/H9U74jiSXv

— とにかく明るい安村 (@yasudebu) March 9, 2015

I'm usually wrong about these things, but I predict this guy is going to be around forever. There's just some much to do with this joke. Can't see it getting old.

Toto Kids

Toto is a company that makes toilets. If you check out http://www.toto.co.jp and scroll down a bit, you'll see a "Toto Kids" icon to click on. It's all in Japanese and is very fun. There's a video game where you try to get poop in the toilet. Lot's of other stuff as well. You can get pages to color and wallpaper as well. Here are a few of the pages:

Kids love jumping up a rainbow into the arms of a poop... far above a toilet factory, or something.

Always have to let the poop man put the final cherry on the Christmas cake.

Hamster No Ginji

@kawanabesatou is a semi-popular Twitter account that features pictures of hamsters in miniature worlds (mostly bars or coffee shops). If you want to see several of these photos a day, check out that link, or, if you want to see a couple pictures once, look below and do nothing else. Is that all clear now?

虎王 「あっぶな！！ 今日まだやったよね？ 8月20日 木曜日 お誕生日おめでと！！」 pic.twitter.com/09JIkQEfIw

— ハムスターの銀次（川辺石材佐藤の上司） (@kawanabesatou) August 20, 2015

虎王 「労働環境やら向上心で 転職を考えるのは 今の時代当たり前や。 せやけど、辞めたい思たら なんか一つ 功績残すんや。 辞める言うときに 会社から、どうぞ！て 言われたないやんか。 もうちょい気張ってみぃや」 pic.twitter.com/DXd7fyEKjb

— ハムスターの銀次（川辺石材佐藤の上司） (@kawanabesatou) August 19, 2015

虎王 「お昼やでー♪」 pic.twitter.com/qaJv8o7qA1

— ハムスターの銀次（川辺石材佐藤の上司） (@kawanabesatou) August 19, 2015

@hedgehogdays はーい おはようさーん pic.twitter.com/czuep9O4AK

— ハムスターの銀次（川辺石材佐藤の上司） (@kawanabesatou) August 9, 2015

虎王 「もう、クローバー食わんよ(笑)」 pic.twitter.com/nBZ6LBqF8U

— ハムスターの銀次（川辺石材佐藤の上司） (@kawanabesatou) August 4, 2015

Told you guyz life isn't meaningless!

Kagoshima Governor Asks Why Girls Are Taught Trigonometry

Shouldn't we be helping lady brains
get even better at making cute food?

Yuichiro Ito, the governor of Kagoshima, asked, "What's the point of teaching high school girls about sines, cosines and tangents?" at a meeting with the prefectural board of education.

He later said, "I meant I've never used any of them. It was a slip of the tongue." I can totally relate to the guy. It's weird that I always talk about how women are lesser beings... Whoops! Another classic slip of the tongue. I meant I'm a lesser being, or whatever.


Source: Mainichi Shimbun

Also, mad props to @Mulboyne where I first saw the story.

"COW" Brand Beauty Soap

Human 1: You have any ideas for the name of our beauty soap.
Human 2: Yeah, I was thinking "cow" brand beauty soap.
Human 1: Oh, I get it. Because you can brand cows and stuff.
Human 2: No, what? Because it's a product, like my Nike brand shoes here.
Human 1: Oh, wait, then why cow?
Human 2: You know, everywhere I go people are always saying, "Hey, look at that fucking cow!"
Human 1: ...yeah?
Human 2: Are you going to make me say it? I'm a beautiful man! Look at these thighs for God's sake.
Human 1: ...Yeah, I didn't have any ideas, so...yeah.

Green Curry Pringles

Japanese Food Review #106

Thai Curry Chip Week rages on! I don't have much to say. At first I thought they didn't really taste like green curry. They weren't hot at all and reminded me of fajitas a little. Still, it was a good flavor no matter what it was. I think the onion and pepper flavors were strong. The other flavor kind of reminded me of avocado, but I realized it was like coconut milk mixed with other flavors. After about five chips it tasted basically like green curry with almost no spice at all.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7
Girlbot: 5  She likes them, but they weren't super good.
Overall: 6

Pringles easily wins.

Gaius Marius

I think it's safe to assume that anyone reading this blog also has a strong interest in ancient Rome. Also, you likely don't read "books". For some reason I read Plutarch's Life of Gaius Marius yesterday (the first part of the Penguin Classic Fall of the Roman Republic). If you actually care about history, you should probably read it, but I thought there were several interesting, unimportant facts and would like to share them with you. Just for reference, Marius lived from 157 to 86 BC. Okay, onto stuff no one cares about.

*Plutarch wrote, "The Spaniards in those days still thought that to be a bandit was a most honorable profession." God damn Spaniards never change.

*Before a battle with these Cimbri barbarians, the Cimbri  dudes thought they needed to show off how strong and brave they were. They got naked and climbed a mountain during a snowstorm and then slid down the steepest parts on their shields and jumped over crevasses. Dude, Youtube is going to get so much better if they ever invent the time machine camera.

*Plutarch said it's common knowledge that it rains after a big battle. Then he tried to reason why that would happen. It's either that some supernatural power is cleansing the earth or that the rotting flesh sends vapors into the sky causing rain. Both are pretty scientific thoughts. Tough to say which is right. Probably a combination of the two.

*Marius had a group of people in his house that wanted to kill this dude, Saturninus. Saturninus, who also came to the house through a different door, had done Marius a solid, so they were kind of allies. Anyway, Marius pretended to both parties that he had diarrhea and ran back and forth stirring up trouble. It seriously sounds like the best sitcom ever.

*In the end, it was clear that Sulla would return and murder Marius. Instead of fleeing or meeting death honorably, Marius just went crazy. He tried to drink himself to sleep at all hours of the day and seemed to be hallucinating being on the battlefield while on his deathbed. Plutarch, I guess just to make us understand that he thought Marius was an idiot, compared this to Plato's final moments when he thanked his guardian spirit for three things:

1. For being born a human and not an animal.
2. For being born Greek and not a foreigner.
3. For being born in the age of Socrates.

It really makes me think about how lucky I am. I mean, I hate animals, and I'm so glad I wasn't born one of those god damn, bandit loving, Spaniards. And I'm just so thankful to share this planet with Oprah and her brilliant mind.

Mango Curry Chips

 Japanese Food Review #105

Well, it's "Thai Curry Chip Week" once again here at the Times. This year we have two exciting entrants.

First up is a mango curry chip produced by Koikeya in their Exochip line. I believe Exochip is short for exotic chip, so my first reaction was to be incredibly turned on by these. Well played, Koikeya. The chip is said to combine the sweetness of a mango with the mild taste of coconut milk. You'd think they'd mention something about spices. They smelled pretty crappy and not particularly like mangoes or curry. There wasn't a strong curry taste, but it was there with a little mango taste that came on stronger the longer I chewed.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  It wasn't the worst, but after 5 chips or so, I'd had enough.
Girlbot: 1  She hates mangos. She said these tasted like chemicals (but she also thinks mangoes taste like chemicals). I didn't notice this at first, but after she pointed it out, I did notice there was a faint, soapy aftertaste.
Overall: 2

Will the other Thai curry chip score higher than 2 and take home the coveted trophy? Check back multiple times a day to find out!

Tatsuya Tanaka

Tatsuya Tanaka has been making miniature sculptures out of household items everyday for the past five years. You can check out his miniature calendar here or follow him on Instagram. Below is a small sample of his work.

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Apr 19, 2015 at 1:02am PDT

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Feb 23, 2015 at 3:44pm PST

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Aug 10, 2015 at 3:03pm PDT

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Apr 29, 2015 at 3:32pm PDT

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on May 19, 2014 at 4:21pm PDT

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Jul 30, 2015 at 2:57pm PDT

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Jul 12, 2015 at 3:48pm PDT

. 7.7 tue "Bamboo forest" . 自分を曲げずにまっすぐ伸びよ。 今日は七夕です。 . . #竹 #笹 #ストロー #七夕

A photo posted by Tatsuya Tanaka (@tanaka_tatsuya) on Jul 6, 2015 at 2:59pm PDT

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Crazy Party Night : Pumpkins Strike Back

We'll soon be 80 short days away from the spookiest night of the year! Time to break out the Halloween music. Kyary, of course, had another Halloween song a few years back, Fashion Monster. Pumpkins Strike Back seems to be an obvious reference to that of an empire striking back, so we can all look forward to even more Halloween music in the future.

Again, the chorus is very poetic. It captures the joy of a crazy party night so well, but, at the same time, it recognizes what Halloween is all about. It makes us examine our own mortality. It might cause our innermost fears to come to the surface, and in the end we can only but go mad realizing the absurdity of this reality... so it becomes all that much more of a crazy party night. The chorus goes like this:

Pum pum pum with pumpkin,
Dancing dancing Halloween,
Kawaii o-bake no Halloween (a cute ghost's Halloween),
Pu pum with pumpkin,
Crazy crazy crazy night,
Dancing dancing pumpkin,
Crazy crazy party night.

Potato Salad Potato Snack

Japanese Food Review #104

Most of you know that I have a pretty complicated relationship with potato salad.

Things I like about potato salad:

1. The flavor (sort of)

Things I don't like about potato salad:

1. Too wet

2. Sometimes you can feel the potatoes and other vegetables.

That's why I was so excited that Calbee made this snack. These are a version of Sapporo Potato, a snack that is usually vegetable flavor. They're shaped like fries and are mostly air. I think they're supposed to be a healthy alternative to chips, so if you're Japanese mom is an idiot, you're allowed to eat these instead of good snacks.

For this new flavor, Calbee asked some elementary school students to help choose the flavor. Kids are worse at life than other humans so the flavor is potato salad with apples. What the hell, kids? It might be that the kids just thought it would be super funny to mess with Calbee. That's for sure what I would've done.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  Pretty bad odor came from the bag. Mostly just tasted like potato salad, though. Sometimes I thought I could taste some apple in there. Nothing I ever want to eat again.
Girlbot: 5  She also didn't like them much, but she likes Sapporo Potato in general and ate most of the bag.
Overall: 4.5

Super Viral GIF 2.0

Again, please don't steal this to make money. This is the property of the Times.

Luke's House

Pretty weird buildings around Luke Skywalker's house these days.

Pic of the Day

Drove past this today. It was just one car on it's side. Probably took the curve too fast. Anyway, something for you to all try at home.

Anpanman Shoes

Most shoes for kids in Japan are super shiny and insanely decorated.

Orix Buffaloes Animal Jerseys

This is an ad the Orix Buffaloes made for their special animal jerseys. They have all the cool, intimidating animals: giraffe, zebra, red panda, snake, sheep, panda, panther, flamingo, peacock, and black bear. It looks like they asked the players to try and pose like the animal they were wearing? Most of the players did what I would consider the "cute lady cat" pose. Here are some more pics on their site.

Dong Chopped Off, Flushed Down Toilet

In what one can safely imagine is already being referred to as "the cockblocking of the century", Ikki Kotsugai (24) has been arrested for chopping off a 42-year-old lawyer's lower member and flushing it down a toilet. Many are saying it was a pretty dick move.

Kotsugai, a graduate student and former pro boxer, entered the victim's law office around 7:40pm on the 13th. He punched the victim in the face several times before prying his pants off and removing the dong with pruning shears. Then, in a move that truly took balls, Kotsugai carried the removed part to a public restroom on the same floor and flushed it down the toilet.

Kotsugai's wife works at the same law office. Police believe she may have had some sort of romantic involvement with the lawyer (or she could have been harassed, too), and the former pro boxer may have been coming for revenge.

Sources: Japan Today
              TBS

Cleavage Diver Necklace

I've always been pretty in tune with how women think, and I know a lot of you can't stand all that creepy eye contact guys give you. "Are you even going to glance once at my jugs today?" is something I imagine you're always thinking. Guess what, ladies? Problem solved!


TANIMA DIVER Introduction movie from ekoD Works on Vimeo.

The fine folks at ekoD Works have made this "visual art series" called "Tanima Diver". Tanima means "valley" but can also mean "cleavage". So these little dudes look like their diving between your breasts. I know guys usually don't want to look there, but I've yet to meet a man who can keep his eyes off a toy scuba diver.

Anyway, it will look like this:

叶えられたい飛び込みたい♡ “@Lily_2801: 男の浪漫、叶えます。 http://t.co/XwOTEpCr5h #タニマダイバーフォトコン pic.twitter.com/SQLH7caa0M”

— ekoD Works/ エコードワークス (@ekoDWorks) December 3, 2014

This is explained in the video, but if you're anything like me and don't have much in the way of breasts, you can buy one of ekoD Works shirts that looks like this:

@tarenagashi0209 @myakkomyako これだとちょっと違うなｗ 妄想マッピングＴシャツ http://t.co/23iTsOcqjW pic.twitter.com/5zAfxcffF2

— じゃう''ぁ@のあヲタ (@javawock7618) December 5, 2014

And then combine the two to look like this:

妄想マッピングTシャツとを組み合わせればあら不思議！（抱き合わせ商法…） “@HxJxK_13: タニマダイバー　サラリーマン http://t.co/0bSlWjufC2 だから谷間のない人間はどうすればええんじゃって” pic.twitter.com/EFmcWzg9x9

— ekoD Works/ エコードワークス (@ekoDWorks) December 6, 2014

Check out the ekoD Works site for more diving shots and to buy your special lady, mother, or any other female you may know a very thoughtful gift.