Cat Marketing

Just like the old adage, "Sex and multiple cat mouths sell." (I think they shortened it because they're basically the same thing).

今日のチラシ、今まで気づかなかったけれど猫おかしくないですか pic.twitter.com/E9mYmU5kx6

— 柳井いなや (@1461_1641) September 4, 2015

Playboy Club

A lot of people might think that the great Hugh Hefner could sue a company for doing this, but I tend to think he doesn't have much of a case. Clearly different bunnies. This one's ear is bent down a little. Completely changes the whole vibe.

The Marketing of Farming

I often see pictures of farmers next to the product they supposedly produced. I guess it's meant to make you feel better seeing the person you're helping support, or something? Or you can see that some corporate robot or minorities weren't in charge of feeding the cow that you will soon consume?

Anyway, they must have done some market research that says the "I just saw the family dog get run over by a semi this morning" face moves the most product, because they usually look like this.

"COW" Brand Beauty Soap

Human 1: You have any ideas for the name of our beauty soap.
Human 2: Yeah, I was thinking "cow" brand beauty soap.
Human 1: Oh, I get it. Because you can brand cows and stuff.
Human 2: No, what? Because it's a product, like my Nike brand shoes here.
Human 1: Oh, wait, then why cow?
Human 2: You know, everywhere I go people are always saying, "Hey, look at that fucking cow!"
Human 1: ...yeah?
Human 2: Are you going to make me say it? I'm a beautiful man! Look at these thighs for God's sake.
Human 1: ...Yeah, I didn't have any ideas, so...yeah.

Unagi Cola

うなぎエキス入り！ 静岡発の「うなぎコーラ」が21日に発売 http://t.co/keyQnRODRB 　#うなぎコーラ　#うなぎ　#静岡　#グルメ　#ニュース pic.twitter.com/kIJ7pwVJKb

— RBB TODAY (@RBBTODAY) July 3, 2015

Kimura Drink will debut their new beverage Unagi Cola on July 21. Unagi means eel, so it's sort of a match made in heaven. No more chewing up eel and spitting into cola for me. The product will be sold in Shizuoka, a prefecture famous for its eel, in gift shops along the highway and such. It can also be ordered on Kimura Drink's website. The 240ml bottles will cost ¥200. If you order from the website, you'll be forced to order a case of 20 bottles for ¥4000.

The company actually designed an eel cola prototype 3 years ago, but the head of the company and others were very against selling the product because it wreaked of fish. We can thank some tenacious staff members who worked tirelessly to find the perfect amount of real eel extract to combine with cola that made it "easy to drink."

There are special days in Japan when people are supposed to eat eel. Recently, because people eat too much eel, the price has skyrocketed. Kimura Drink suggests drinking instead of eating eel for the event. I mean, baby birds essentially drink regurgitated fish and worms. Why not humans, too?

The company has made other "gift shop drinks" as well, like their green tea cider. They say in the future they would like to make new drinks for different regions. They're considering some sort of shrimp drink, for example. These truly are the end times.

Source: RBB Today

GREEN DA KA RA

Bossman: So we're increasing the size of the barley tea bottle. How are we going to let the public know?

Ron: Umm, I don't know, but I was thinking at the end, it could be a little girl waking up, and it was all a dream.

Kenji: Can I just point out that this is pretty much Ron's only suggestion ever.

Bossman: Still, a very intriguing concept. Any ideas about what happens before that, Ron?

Ron: Ahh, it's in Italy?

Kenji: I wonder if you thought of that because you just got back from your trip to Italy?

Bossman: Oh. yes! You must tell me about the trip at lunch today!

Ron: Sure thing, Bossman.

Bossman: Yes, this is sounding like a good commercial, but there should be something big... as a sort of metaphor for the larger bottle.

Kenji: ...Godzilla?

Bossman: Well, I don't want to get into my whole sexual history right now, but that's a no go for me. Any ideas, Ron?

Ron: ...Pig?

Kenji: Big makes you think of pigs?

Bossman: Wait, hear him out. Are you thinking of a giant, demon pig attacking an Italian village?

Ron: ...Yes?

Bossman: Hmm, we've definitely got something here.

Kenji: How about the little girl we used in the last grows really big to fight the pig?

Bossman: Yes! And then right before they do battle she... (points at Ron)

Ron: Drinks the tea thus gaining the ability to breathe fire!

Bossman: No, but I like that. Let's tack that on at the end. She's wakes up! It was all a dream!

Ron: Ha ha ha!

Cancer Exam Guide

Bossman: Let me just say guyz, I'm really excited about this years cancer exam guidebook, and, thanx to your hard work, I can pretty much guarantee cancer exam numbers are going to be off the chart this year!

(polite applause)

Bossman: Yes, yes. But with that said, you know I can be a bit of a stickler. Can we look at page 5, the lung cancer and tuberculosis page? So, we've got the title and a drawing of lungs. That's it?

Kenji: Umm, yes, we thought lungs would be good because of those diseases.

Koji: Yeah, it like all sorta matches up.

Bossman: Okay, I feel you, I totally feel you, but... there's nothing really... drawing me in, you know?

Koji: Oh, we could put a face on the lungs!

Kenji: But there are two lungs. Are you thinking like two faces?

Koji: They could be the lung twins!

Bossman: But that reminds people of how they desperately want to have a ménages à trios with twins but have yet to achieve that goal. We don't want to rub failure in their faces. We need something... fun.

Koji: Umm... I spend a lot of my time drawing turtles.

Bossman: Could you put a red hat on one of those turtles of yours?

Koji: Yeah.

Kenji: How about a backpack?

Koji: With an umbrella and rolled up newspaper sticking out of it?

Bossman: Gentleman..., looks we just got ourselves one hell of a cancer guide!

(enthusiastic applause)

Coacher

Bossman: Oh these signs! We've got to get up these signs!
Underling: Excuse me, sir? I have a question about one of the signs.
Bossman: For the 500th time, they all go on the wall!
Underling: Yes, I understand, but this coacher and mascot one...
Bossman: The wall, damn you!
Underling: It's just, I know the verb "play" is "player" in its noun form, but I feel like their might be a more common noun than coacher. Would you like me to check?
Bossman: Listen grammar boy, no one is going to care because they can't see the sign because it's not on the wall!
Underling: I have my phone here. It would probably take me five seconds to check.
Bossman: If a signs not up... it's not a sign! You can't read something that's not a sign, get it!?
Underling: I'll get the sign up right away, bosser! 

Nikkei Gets You Laid

Nikkei is a financial newspaper similar to the Wall Street Journal. That might not be true. I've never read either of them. This is their latest ad campaign. The top left says, "Update yourself." The big, red writing reads, "Read and you'll see the difference." The babes are all over that dude on the left saying, "Because he reads Nikkei, he knows a lot about the economy and trends," and "It's also the reason he's done a string of good presentations." The lonely virgin playing a video game on the right is saying, "His secret is Nikkei!" I've been doing a ton of research, and it turns out that chicks prefer a guy pretending to be rich over a man who openly, virtually breeds horses.

People might think it's weird to use a comic to sell something to rich men, but the message behind it is true. Like, information is power or something. For instance, did you know that some crocodiles have two penises? I mean, I've never confirmed this, but one can safely assume that at least some have had this deformity. Anyway, next time you're at a bar and some random babe pulls the old, "After awhile, crocodile," line on you, try telling her this fun crocodile penis fact. It's almost guaranteed to get some sort of reaction!

Brown Rice Soup

This was on the side of a brown rice soup box. Everything else was written in Japanese, and the part above was only written in English. It's just another in a long line of products claiming to be able to improve a family's health by harnessing the theoretical energy source of migrating birds. Sounds almost too good to be true.

Pizza Cat

During Pizza Hut's latest round of market research, one interesting fact stuck out. Take a look at this Venn diagram:

 It turns out that cat video viewers and Pizza Hut lovers are basically the same people! But what to do with this new found information? This is where some genius marketers stepped in. It turns out that both "hut" and "cat" have a "t" in them, so... Pizza Cats! Get it!


They made a web series about a Pizza Hut run by cats. This seems like a great idea, but they decided to make all the episodes as boring as possible (I guess I don't really get marketing). For example, here's episode three, Strategy Meeting! Get Pumped up!


I guess I get the joke. It is funny that cat's can't talk and don't have opposable thumbs to write stuff down at a meeting, but maybe we should be able to hear them think about how they hate Mondays? Maybe some genital licking? I don't know. By the way, if anyone wants help marketing their product, let me know. I've got a ton of ideas like these.

Tori Chiki Ban Ban

Apparently this is a fried chicken place in Kyushu.  Tori means bird or chicken and "chiki" comes from chicken. Ban ban is how bang bang is written in Japanese. So, it's "chicken chicken bang bang" or "bird chicken bang bang." Take your pick. Sometimes you might see a chicken place that has a cartoon chicken mascot. This works well because most people (I can safely assume I am like most people) like to imagine that the meat they are ripping into was at one point a cute character that children adore. This restaurant has turned that concept upside down.

I guess the idea is that some assassin monkey dresses up as a chicken, probably "gets to know" all the hens, and then murders them. The consumer then can enjoy the lifeless carcasses. It turns out, this is also kind of fun to think about while you eat meat.

Dolce Time

Boss Man: Okay team. We've really got to hammer out an ad for Dolce Time. Remember, this product has cookies and raspberry sauce covering cheese flavored ice-cream. Something working with that would be great. So, did you guyz come up with anything?

Terry: ...trampoline?...

Boss Man: I don't think I'm following you, Terry.

Bob: No, he's right. My cousin is super good at trampolines and can run up walls and stuff.

Boss Man:...Okay...ahh...Did anyone come up with a jingle or anything?

Ron: You know how there's that one one sound  "che" in dolce?

Boss Man: Excuse me?

Bob: Actually, yeah, it's for sure a syllable.

Ron: Yeah, so I was thinking, che, che, che, dolce.

Boss Man: Oh, a man with rhythm. I like this. Anything else?

Terry: Mexican wrestling?...

Boss Man: Terry, why are you looking at the wall?

Ron: Oh yeah, a wrestling mask with "che" written on it!

Bob: My trampolining cousin's hobby is making wrestling masks!

Boss Man: It's not trampolining?

Ron: There should be an old guy watching that says it's dangerous. That would be a really good punch line.

Boss Man: I don't think you're using the term "punch line" appropriately. Is this seriously what you guyz want to do?

Bob: Boss Man, I just sexted my cousin and he's totally in!

Boss Man: (heavy sigh) Okay, just next time say texted.

Bob: ...But I made a penis joke in the text.

Boss Man: Still, just for me, say texted.

Bob: Sure thing, Boss Man.

Library Cards Are Cool

This an ad that's been on the windows of trains lately. It's for library cards and the slogan is, "Get one and you'll want to read books." I guess you'll be like one of those famous reading space dogs. One interesting fact you can learn from reading: Even with that fishbowl on its head, that dog will be dead within in minutes suffering a horrendous death. The bends will begin within seconds and eventually parts of its body will expand to twice their normal size! Get your card kids!

Pizza Hut Revolutionizes Pizza Box Technology

Let me guess how your last phone call to order pizza ended:

Pizza Human: So, just the two pizzas?
You: Yeah, that's all.
Pizza Human: And how many boxes do you want with that?
You: Umm...
Pizza Human: I assume you're going to get at least one.
You: I can get just one?
Pizza Human: Yeah, I can try to stuff them into one box if you'd like.
You: Can I get two?
Pizza Human: Sure, no problem. It's just company policy that I have to remind you that the rain forest  is being cut down at an incredibly rapid rate.
You:...I'll take the two boxes...
Pizza Human: And I'll just call up the rain forest and tell that chimpanzee family they'll have to move again.
You: ...
Human Pizza: Okay, you're pizzas should be there in about 30 minutes. Thank you, sir.

These conversations might soon be a thing of the past thanks to the hardworking scientists at Pizza Hut's Japanese research facilities.

What? Two pizzas in one box? The only reason I never ordered Pizza Hut was because I didn't want to waste cardboard. Things are looking up. Hello many evenings of heartburn and depression!

Gramorous Bambi

Dennis: Okay, I just don't know if "Gramorous Bambi" is the best name for the salon.
Denise: Yeah, I was thinking "Hair Make Gramorous Bambi" as a full title might pull a lot more customers in.
Janice: Ooh, I love that!
Denise: Don't you just love that?
Janice: That is just too much fun!
Dennis: Ahh, you know Bambi was a male deer, right? And this a salon for women. That's kind of confusing, isn't it?
Denise: I'm pretty sure Bambi was gay.
Janice: For sure at least bisexual.
Dennis: I don't think that's true, and I don't see how it would help anyway.
Denise: Oh! "Hair Make Gramorous Bambi Loves London!"
Dennis: What?
Janice: Oh may God! That works even if he wasn't a bisexual!

Naked Giraffe Hat Boy

Hiro: So, you've invented some toy that's going to save the company?
Kazushi: Pretty much I can't think of a human who's not going to want one of these, boss.
Hiro: Enough suspense! Let's see it!

Hiro: Ahh...
Kazushi: It took me a ton of time to get the hips right, but it was worth it.
Hiro: It's... a naked boy... with the scalp of a giraffe?
Kazushi: Turn it around, bro.

Hiro: Wings? It's an angel?
Kazushi: A baby angel, yeah.
Hiro: Umm... listen... I'm actually having a really hard time concentrating right now... umm.
Kazushi: What's on your mind, boss?
Hiro: Listen, I don't know how to say this... so I'll just come out and say it... Have you been sleeping with my wife?
Kazushi: What?! No!
Hiro: Listen, I saw on her phone that she called you on Valentine's Day right before she went out to "visit her sick father." I mean, come on!
Kazushi: Okay, I never wanted to tell you this...but... I only have one ball, alright, dude.
Hiro: What?
Kazushi: I was born with two, but I lost one when I was 17. Now are you happy?
Hiro: My god... I'm so sorry... I had no idea... umm... yeah, great work. We'll start producing these giraffes right away.

The Walkman Is Back

Leader: Okay guyz, for some reason the Walkman isn't consider to "be jammin" by today's youth. How are we gonna right this ship?

Short Legs: Well, according to our research, a lot of young people "are into" music, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe our product can be used for hearing music?

Leader: No, I should have made that clear. Everybody, did you get that? The Walkman can be used to play music while walking.

Short Legs: So, um, maybe we could use some cool music?

Leader: Intriguing. Any ideas on what music we could use?

Four Eyes: Ahh, my little sister is always listening to this song "I Love Rock N Roll."

Leader: Your sister is in her 50s, right?

Short Legs: Is that that Weird Al song about ice cream?

Four Eyes: No, it's that Joan Jett song about having sex with a 17-year-old boy.

Leader: Oh, having sex with 17-year-old boys is still cool, right?

Short Legs: It's just one of those things that never goes out of style...

Leader:...Like the Walkman! Looks like we've got our commercial gentleman, unless anyone has any better ideas.

Rico: Actually, I stayed up all last night working on...

Leader: Okay, just to be clear, my stomach is growling for a popcorn break right now, so whatever you say better be good enough to justify keeping my tummy from getting the yummy goodness it deserves.

Rico: ...No...I was just working on how...I think we need more popcorn breaks...and we should have one now...and...

Leader: Great minds think alike, Rico!

The Sun Lounge

If you want to look cool like these folks, just head to The Sun Lounge. I'm not sure where you can get one of those stylish crotch stars, but you could try asking the front desk.

Stride Gum Hard Case

Boss Man: Ok, guys, we're introducing a new hard case with more than twice as many pieces of gum inside. Any ideas on how we can move some units?

Employee 1: ...ah...move units...?

Boss Man: Yes, basically can you think of a way to make this product appealing so people want to purchase it.

Employee 1: Oh, right...Well, maybe we start with some sort of an ape man...

Employee 2: Why do you have an ape man in everyone of your pitches?

Boss Man: Hear him out.

Employee 1: Well, maybe he eats a piece of gum...

Boss Man: Brilliant.

Employee 1: And then he transforms into a man with a huge head of hair that... is shaped like a giant pack of gum.

Boss Man: I'm not often moved to tears, but...

Employee 2: I don't really get it. Is the hair like hanging off the side of his head or what?

Employee 1: He's floating in space you idiot!

Boss Man: What's with the negative attitude, Employee 2? And another thing, your breath smells like horse crap!

Employee 2: It's Sam, and I've already said several times that there appears to be quite a bit of some sort of animal feces smeared in the carpet of this room.

Employee 1: (In a very comical voice) "It's the carpet, not all that horse crap I ate for lunch." (Returning to his normal speaking voice) Ah, ever heard of a toothbrush?

Boss Man: (Chuckles) OMG, Employee 1, you've just earned yourself a raise.

Employee 1: Thank you so much, Boss Man.

End scene