Where's Waldo Gum

Japanese Gum Review #16

Lotte has finally listened to the consumers and made a Where's Waldo themed gum. By the way, it's Where's Wally in Japan. There were several different covers, and I chose the one where he's doing the traditional Fit's dance. If you don't know what I'm talking about... I don't have time for you. Please stop reading now.

You've probably noticed that Wally wears red and white. That's why you likely already guessed that this is a strawberry and milk flavored gum. Actually, it mostly tasted like really fake strawberry candy with a hint of fake milk. I'd say it was a little kid flavor.

The best part of this gum, hands down, was the back of the box. Free Where's Wally!!!!! (hint: he's wearing red and white).

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  Bumped it up from a 4.5 for the packaging. Why don't all boxes have crap like this?
Girlbot: 5  She says it tastes like a gum she had as a child.
Overall: 5

Salty Citrus of the Sun Gum

Japanese Gum Review #15

Unless you've been living under a rock or are not super interested in gum reviews, you've already heard the gum review that shocked the world.

My favorite gum is @juicyfruit... #ItsMy2Cents

— Larry King (@kingsthings) June 15, 2015

This, clearly, is the gum review to end all gum reviews. Here at the Times, we seriously considered getting out of the gum review biz (short for business) entirely. But, on the other hand, there are new gums constantly appearing, and there is a chance that Larry King is not an immortal vampire or something, so someone we may have to carry on the torch. Of course we'll never be at his level, but we must keeping battling, honing our gum review skills.

With that in mind...

We'll be looking at another limited edition Fit's gum, Salty Citrus of the Sun. I guess it's a summah gum. The citrus, I believe, is grapefruit, and while there is a saltiness to the gum, it is not overpowering. Honestly, it reminded me of salt water taffy, which I always hated as a child. For some reason I liked it here (guess I'm growing up). This might just be in my mind, but the texture of this was better than normal Fit's gum. It was a bit thicker and better for blowing bubbles.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7.5  A fun gum for the summah.
Girlbot: 5  She was happy it wasn't too salty, but she still wouldn't buy it again.
Overall: 6.25

Super Mario and Luigi Gum

To celebrate the 30th anniversary of Super Mario Bros., Nintendo has teamed up with Lotte to make special Mario gum. Makes sense. Let's take a look at both gums.

Japanese Gum Review #13

The title of this gum is Mario's Invincible Star. You probably already guessed that this is code for ginger ale. First off, thumbs up to Fit's for the packaging. Secondly, it doesn't taste like ginger ale. It kind of tasted like lime to me. This made me furious, because limes are green and Mario is red. Still steaming about this one.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  Not horrible.
Girlbot: 5  She thought it tasted like lemon. Also, she initially gave it a 7, but after tasting the Luigi gum, she changed her mind.
Overall: 5

Japanese Gum Review #14

This gum is called Luigi's Unlimited 1-Ups. This is in reference to jumping on that turtle forever to get 1-ups. Of course jumping on a turtle tastes like melon soda, which is pretty popular in Japan, especially with kids. This gum, in my opinion, was good and did taste like melon soda. Girlbot said it tasted like soda, which is an awful flavor often used in children's candy here. It reminded her of her childhood.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7  Luigi is cooler than Mario.
Girlbot: 5  She tried this and said it was very good and then gave it a 5. Then I questioned why she gave it a worse score than the Mario gum, and her reaction was to knock the Mario gum down to 5. So they're equal? Even though she said Luigi's is better? Yes.
Overall: 6

Fit's Betrayal Fruit Gum

Japanese Gum Review #12

This is Fit's uragiri kajitsu gum. Uragiri means betrayal, and kajitsu means fruit. What!? That box appears to upside down, and the fruit looks to be from the 80s! What a betrayal of my trust! As it turns out, "betrayal fruit" must mean "indistinguishable fruit that doesn't taste very good."

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5
Girlbot: 2
Overall: 2.75

There is a lot of excitement surrounding this gum because of the campaign associated with it.

Apparently there's a hint in there somewhere. If you can guess the hint and what the prize is on the Fit's site, you can win a portion of the ¥10,000,000 prize. It's kind of like a Bilbo Baggins riddle. Good luck to everyone.

Stride Gum Hard Case

Boss Man: Ok, guys, we're introducing a new hard case with more than twice as many pieces of gum inside. Any ideas on how we can move some units?

Employee 1: ...ah...move units...?

Boss Man: Yes, basically can you think of a way to make this product appealing so people want to purchase it.

Employee 1: Oh, right...Well, maybe we start with some sort of an ape man...

Employee 2: Why do you have an ape man in everyone of your pitches?

Boss Man: Hear him out.

Employee 1: Well, maybe he eats a piece of gum...

Boss Man: Brilliant.

Employee 1: And then he transforms into a man with a huge head of hair that... is shaped like a giant pack of gum.

Boss Man: I'm not often moved to tears, but...

Employee 2: I don't really get it. Is the hair like hanging off the side of his head or what?

Employee 1: He's floating in space you idiot!

Boss Man: What's with the negative attitude, Employee 2? And another thing, your breath smells like horse crap!

Employee 2: It's Sam, and I've already said several times that there appears to be quite a bit of some sort of animal feces smeared in the carpet of this room.

Employee 1: (In a very comical voice) "It's the carpet, not all that horse crap I ate for lunch." (Returning to his normal speaking voice) Ah, ever heard of a toothbrush?

Boss Man: (Chuckles) OMG, Employee 1, you've just earned yourself a raise.

Employee 1: Thank you so much, Boss Man.

End scene

Fit's Shiro-Kuma Gum

Japanese Gum Review #11

Lotte's newest gum is shiro-kuma (meaning polar bear) flavor, thus the super cute bear face package (I think we're all aware that polar bears and cats have nearly identical faces other than the sizes of their noses, so they can be drawn the same way). When the piece of gum hit my taste buds, I was instantly repulsed. This tasted nothing like raw polar bear meat. It turns out it's some sort of sundae flavor or something. The package says that fruit, azuki (sweet red beans), and condensed milk flavorings were used. But the flavor is just the tip of the polar bear dick, as they say.

There are instructions on how to make a polar bear.
Step 1: Chew delicious gum!
Step 2: Wrap gum in wrapper!
Step 3: You made me!
In my opinion, you can pretty much skip step 3 and it will turn out pretty much the same way.

Looks like my entire family is getting polar bears for Christmas this year.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6
Girlbot: 6
Overall: 6

Fit's Kaki-Maze

Japanese Gum Review #10

 That dream you're always having about chewing persimmon-flavored gum is finally coming true (or should I say "gumming" true... no I for sure shouldn't say that). Kaki means persimmon and maze means mix, so unfortunately it's not a pure persimmon flavor. Grape and apple are also mixed in. Anyway, pretty psychedelic, huh?

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  It was not good. In in a blind taste test, I would have guessed it was a melon gum. To be honest, even if it tasted exactly like persimmons, I certainly wouldn't have guessed it.
Girlbot: 1  She wanted to give it a zero, but she upped it too a one because she was able to chew it for a minute.
Overall: 2

Momo Clover Z Pop'n Bubble Gum

Japanese Gum Review #9

Momo Clover Z and Lotte have teamed up to make two flavors of gum. They chose what most would consider the best flavors: "red" and "white." I was confused by this while I was waiting in the checkout line. I decided to get the red because I hate white people, but it turns out I should have bought both.

 You're supposed to mix a piece of red and white to create a peach flavor. I guess it's a good way to make idiots buy two packs of gum. The red alone was an indistinguishable flavor. Perhaps it was wild not very good berry. Girlbot thought it was a fake cherry.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4
Girlbot: 6
Overall: 5

Fit's Link No Limit Mint

Japanese Gum Review #8

 Lotte has created a new flavor of Fit's. The flavor is said to last 50 minutes, so pretty much it's "no limit." This dude roboty thing has something to do with Gundam, but I'll let you look that up yourself. Lotte says the base flavor is menthol and there's a skin of citrus flavor. I couldn't taste anything with a "citrus taste," but I do think I detected a hint of "gross chemical."

Ratings:
Gaybot: 1.5  I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst gum I've ever had.
Girlbot: 1  I think she chewed it for roughly 20 seconds, nowhere near the limit.
Overall: 1.25

Pucoo

Lotte, the maker of Fit's gum, has come out with a gum designed for women whose stomachs are 80% empty. I don't think I've ever thought, "Hmm, the old belly's gotta be sittin' at 72% empty 'bouts now," but apparently some Japanese are able to calculate that. Also, I'm guessing that when a man's stomach reaches the 80% empty mark, he is expected to eat something or, better yet, sneak some whiskey. The gum seems to be like Fit's in every way except for the fact that glucomannan has been added. Apparently this food additive can be used as an appetite suppressant.

This ad shows how it works. If you're anything like a Japanese woman, when you get hungry a monster angel makes you think everyone is talking about food.

The first man says, "Printo ongegai." (Please make a copy of this.)

The monster angel says, "Purin tabenai." (Aren't you going to eat some pudding?)

She goes on to mishear, "What happened with the goods?" for, "Cinnamon Doughnuts?" and, "Sales are going up," for, "The fried chicken is done." Clearly this woman is mentally ill and should be fired (not to mention who wants a fat tub of lard like her around anyway?).

So... Japanese Gum Review #7 : Double Grapefruit Jelly Pucoo

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  The flavor is good, but I'm grossed out by the extra chemical.
Girlbot: 5  She offers the insight that it tastes like grapefruit, pretty close to the real thing.
Overall: 4.5

Flavono

Wait, this tasty breath freshening gum is for your mouth. Is this why my nose feels so weird?

Japanese Gum Review #6: Engine

How many times has this happened to you: You're craving a caffeine boost, but you don't want to drink a liquid or swallow any food? You're pretty much screwed, right? Well not in Japan where there are several caffeinated gums to choose from! One such gum is Engine which contains both caffeine and guarana extract. Guarana is a berry grown in the Amazon and contains more caffeine than coffee beans, so it really compliments the caffeine well. The marketing department at Lotte must have realized that not only is the word X-tra quite "hip," but it also saves a ton of time over writing "extra" (three less strokes).

The gum comes in little, unwrapped, yellow pieces, but several sheets of green paper are provided to dispose of the gum. Engine tastes like and energy drink. By that I mean it tastes awful.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 2  I don't like it at all, but I'll give it one extra point, because it does make me feel cool.
Girlbot: N/A  Refused to chew.
Overall: 2

Japanese Gum Review #5: No Time

No Time gum (which appears to be one word in Japan) markets itself as teeth brushing gum. It's for those of us who can't find the 45 seconds to brush and will get dentures in our 40s. It's just sugar free gum and doesn't contain any extra teeth cleaning ingredients. It's not a bad name, but if it were called "Lazy Bastard," I'd probably buy it all the time.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  It's a standard mint gum, and the flavor is almost completely gone after two minutes of chewing.
Girlbot: 5  She says it reminds her of being a kid. Apparently it was one of her favorite gums in elementary school because it's not too minty and is sweet. She can't recall whether or not she used it to clean her teeth.
Overall: 4

Japanese Gum Review #4: Fit's Mix 7+1

This gum has eight types of flavor chips. Seven of them are revealed to the chewer. They are lime, blueberry, passion fruit, peach, lemon, orange and mint. What's the eighth flavor? It's an exciting mystery for you to solve. I asked one of my students what he thought it was. He guessed passion fruit. That would be quite a tricky mystery to solve if the mystery flavor was also one of the seven flavors, but I wouldn't put it past the zany scientists working at Fit's.

There's also a pretty good ad campaign going on with this:

They've done this before. It's called the hide and seek campaign. Apparently there are famous people in the background. They don't tell you how many there are. There could be one. There could be twenty. If you're not Japanese, there are definitely zero. If you guess the right people, you get to split 7,770,000+10,000 yen (a bit less than $100,000) with the other winners. Obviously, between these two mysteries to solve, I'm getting no sleep at all.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6   Lotte has produced another solid gum.
Girlbot: 4   She likes the slime flavor much more than this, and she'll never purchase this gum again. Also, she thinks the mystery flavor is mango.
Overall: 5

Japanese Gum Review #3: Boss Special Coffee Gum

I guess Boss is celebrating its 20th Anniversary. By the way, did you know that Tommy Lee Jones often appears in their commercials? He plays an alien who saw a movie and took the form of Tommy Lee Jones. He attempts to understand humanity... and he drinks Boss.

I think the special taste advertised here might translate better as "taste" or "unappealing flavor." Again, there was a slight mint flavor.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 2  The coffee flavor by Fit's was much better.
Girlbot: 1  She spit it out.
Overall: 1.5

Japanese Gum Review #2: Slime

I think we're all aware that slime and lime rhyme with each other, so it was only a matter of time before a dynamic gum manufacturer combined the two. That's right, this gum combines the flavor of lime with the texture of slime. I wasn't quite sure what the texture of slime was, but it turns out to be nearly identical with that of gum. Perhaps it is slightly softer than gum. I'm not sure. The flavor brought to mind lime popsicles.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6  This is above average gum, ladies and gentlemen.
Girlbot: 8  This is her new favorite gum.
Overall: 7

On a side note, girlbot thought her name on this blog was gaygirl.

Japanese Gum Review #1: Coffee Jelly

Coffee Jelly is pretty much coffee flavored Jello and is often served mixed with sweet milk. Seems like a horrible idea for a gum flavor. When I opened the pack, I noticed it smelled minty. That's why there's mint leaves on the pack, I guess. This made it seem like an even worse idea for a flavor. Somehow, though, this wasn't all that bad of a gum. Granted, I'll never buy this again, but I did make it through the pack.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4
Girlbot: 4
Overall: 4