Great Minds Think Alike

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we were all giant, naked, monster children? Someone finally had the balls to create what we've all been thinking.

Human Godzilla

 Not exactly sure what's going on here, but this ad is aimed at young women. It says, "What kind of monster is your boyfriend?" It also offers the chance to get a special photo with your boyfriend on your Christmas date.

Fancy Numnum

I can't believe rockcember is already almost over. I've barely celebrated. This band is pretty rad. They kind of remind me of BJM if BJM was a group of three girls that didn't do much heroin (I assume) and more electronic. This song is called マリーノの夜明け (Dawn of Marino). Anyway, enjoy:

They've got a myspace page if you want to hear more.

Nudy Boy

A: So what do you want to name the store?
B: I was thinking "Nudy Boy."
A: Oh wow, that's the perfect name for a clothing store.
B: Wait, I though we were opening up an underage male strip-club.
A: Oh yeah. It works for that too, doesn't it.

Amazing Strategy

Human A: So what does your brother do?
Human B: Oh, he stands at a busy corner for several hours a day trying to hug strangers.
Human A: ....ah...
Human B: It's not weird. He's trying to hug 10,001 people to make the world a better place.
Human A: ...But he realizes most people think he's a huge idiot, right? Like, he's more likely to creep people out than make them happy.
Human B: ...I feel so sorry for you.

DJ Hello Kitty

I'm ashamed to say I missed DJ Hello Kitty's performance. Even more embarrassing: I didn't even know who DJ AkirA was. Check out this kid blow off the roof of a department store.

Shang-hai DELI

The Japanese don't take many things from Jewish culture, but they have adopted one tradition: forcing workers at Chinese restaurants to wear Santa hats. (note: I'm no expert on Judaism, but I am aware of this one ancient custom.)

Christmas Eve Dinner

I had a very festive "fried chicken box" on the train last night. It even had a sticker with that famous saying, "Santa's just cominng." This is, of course, a play on words concerning his erectile dysfunction or something.

The Traditional Christmas Cake

You're supposed to eat a Christmas cake on Christmas Eve in Japan. It's usually a white cake with white frosting and strawberries (they're considered to be a winter fruit and grown almost exclusively in green houses). Most shops let you reserve a cake as early as October. In fact, none of these cakes above are for sale. They're just waiting to be picked up. A cheap cake would cost about 2500 yen, but a normal priced cake is 3000-4000 yen (and you can spend a ridiculous amount if you're so inclined). Most Japanese are quite surprised to find that Americans don't partake in the same tradition.

Ultraman: A Modern Day Jesus/Santa?

For some reason the Japanese don't follow the tradition of forcing children to sit on a "magic" stranger's lap, but I did come across this Christmas Eve miracle. Ultraman made a visit to a toy store and allowed children to be photographed with him.

Italian Restaurant

Only the best Italian food can be consider "Oriental Dining." Also, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm super into spicecubes + lately.

Japanese Food Review #31: Akafuku

Akafuku is a famous treat you can buy when visiting Ise Shrine. Its name means "red happiness." The bottom is mochi (mashed up rice) and the top is a red bean paste. There is much more red bean paste than in a normal mochi, and the paste is sweeter as well. Akafuku was actually written about in The New York Times five years ago because of a scandal. I guess they were recycling ingredients and saying that they were fresh. That scandal was marketing genius, because the treat became extra popular when it came back new and improved (no recycled ingredients).

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  Too many beans.
Girlbot: 2  Though she probably eats it every year, she would never purchase it herself.
Overall: 2.5

Reindeer Man Part 2

This is obviously the cooler of the two reindeer costumes. Again, the shoes let the ladies know you're still classy while the pose let's them know you're awesome. I recommend doing this pose randomly at least five times a day (even if you can't get your hands on this costume). I guarantee people start treating you differently.

Modern Day Pimp

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Drinking and Driving

The other night I was about to drive home drunk when this smiling, talking car told me not to. It really made me reexamine a lot of things. It also helped me realize that I was still capable of reading. Clearly I wasn't drunk enough. I bought a fifth of whiskey and fell asleep in the subway bathroom. All I'm saying is maybe if there were more cartoon cars telling people what to do in America, drinking and driving wouldn't be such a huge problem

Boring Political Update

The LDP (a center-right party) completely destroyed the DPJ in the election, so Shinzo Abe will be the next prime minister. The LDP won a majority of the 480 seats in the lower house by themselves, but when their seats are added up with their ally party (Koumeito) they won a two-thirds majority. This gives them the power to overturn any veto from the upper house. Basically, the upper house is now just a bunch of dudes sitting around that have no power at all. Seems like a pretty odd system.

Also I read that the turnout was about 59%, which is tied for the lowest turnout since WWII.　It is about ten points down from the election in 2009. Seems like a pretty high low.

Making Dreams Come True

I think every young man at some point has dreamed of making love to a Christmas tree. I mean, certainly I couldn't be the only one, right?

Japanese Food Review #30: Gourmet Cheese Fondue Doritos

 You know that fake liquid nacho cheese that you get at sporting events. Get one of those cups, put a spoonful of sugar in there, mix her up, put 'er on some Doritos (have fun experimenting with flavors) and you have pretty much recreated these chips. You now have yourself a gourmet meal.

Ratings:

Gaybot: 4

Girlbot: 4

Overall: 4

Girls Bar

The first time I heard the term "girls bar," I assumed it meant a bar catering to women. As it turns out, girls bars cater to women in the same way Hooters does: by forcing their employees to be sexual objects. I don't think there is a strict rule for what a girls bar is. There could be a cover charge and then all the staff is sexy ladies, or there could be an hourly fee and then you get to talk to babes that pretend to be interested in what you're saying (basically just a hostess club). Again, I am no expert on the subject (my wife sometimes reads this blog). Here is one such bar:

It says, "Mrs. and Girls Bar." This probably has no meaning at all, but it might be that there's an older woman or "Mama" who runs and owns the bar.

I think that gun symbolizes the fragility of man...oh wait, okay...now I get it...

Great Leap in Surgical Mask Technology

Have you ever noticed that those surgical masks you wear everywhere don't really produce much of an odor? What a waste. Well, the surgical mask scientists have made a huge breakthrough in mask odor technology. Introducing faint herb smelling masks:

You can choose from five great smells: rose, jasmine, lavender, camomile, and bergamot orange. Anyway, my life is close to perfect now. I just hope they come out with butterscotch flavor next year.

Japanese Gum Review #4: Fit's Mix 7+1

This gum has eight types of flavor chips. Seven of them are revealed to the chewer. They are lime, blueberry, passion fruit, peach, lemon, orange and mint. What's the eighth flavor? It's an exciting mystery for you to solve. I asked one of my students what he thought it was. He guessed passion fruit. That would be quite a tricky mystery to solve if the mystery flavor was also one of the seven flavors, but I wouldn't put it past the zany scientists working at Fit's.

There's also a pretty good ad campaign going on with this:

They've done this before. It's called the hide and seek campaign. Apparently there are famous people in the background. They don't tell you how many there are. There could be one. There could be twenty. If you're not Japanese, there are definitely zero. If you guess the right people, you get to split 7,770,000+10,000 yen (a bit less than $100,000) with the other winners. Obviously, between these two mysteries to solve, I'm getting no sleep at all.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6   Lotte has produced another solid gum.
Girlbot: 4   She likes the slime flavor much more than this, and she'll never purchase this gum again. Also, she thinks the mystery flavor is mango.
Overall: 5

Snowball Man

I think we've all had that dream where your torso becomes a talking snowman's head. Well, you can finally make that dream a reality sort of. Anyway, it's a sure fire way to score with the ladies. If that fails, at least it will be made very clear that you have a severe learning disability.

Alien Chopsticks

 

 Finally I don't feel like an idiot when I'm eating sushi. On a side note, these are much more difficult to use than normal chopsticks.

Reindeer Man

Everybody at the Christmas party is going to feel like such an idiot, with their uncomfortable, collared shirts and lack of fake suspenders. When you walk in, everyone knows, "That dude is already way drunker than anyone else is going to get tonight." Chicks are for sure going to be impressed by that.

Pooping Dog Game

The actual title is difficult to translate, but I think, "Squirts Out Dog," is pretty close. You don't need to watch much of this video, but it's a new children's game. It's kind of like Mouse Trap, but instead of a crazy chain reaction leading to the capture of a rodent, you squeeze a button until poop comes out of a dog. Basically, you roll a die which tells you how many times to squeeze the leash. If poop comes out, you get a point. If you get three points, you win. This game can literally never get old.

Christmas Fashion

I'm sick of all these sexist ideas like, "Halloween is the only holiday where it's appropriate to wear a sexy costume," or, "A mother with two ten-year-old children shouldn't dress like a Christmas sex slave," or, "It's somehow 'weird' to make your wife refer to you as Mrs. Clause."

Horse Track on Acid Part II

Yet another advertisement encouraging folks to take hallucinogens at the horse track. This seems irresponsible, but every culture has their own unique ways of dealing with these things, so who am I to judge.

A Beautiful Train Station

If you really want to get in the Christmas mood, I recommend visiting this enchanting display at Sakae Station. It doesn't look like a pile of garbage in the corner at all.

The Santa Colonel

A lot of KFCs in Japan have statues of the colonel, and he is wisely dressed like Santa during this special time of the year. Also, I had some flowers when I walked by:

Santa

In Japan, Santa is a robot born with a birth defect.

How Do Fake Robots Dance?

If you're like me, you're often asking yourself, "How did they get those cartoon robots to do a choreographed dance like that?!" You probably also find yourself thinking, "That's so cool that these robots aren't perfectly synchronized. It's as if the cartoon scientists programmed real hearts into them. Wow, robots that can love..." Then, of course, you fantasize about robot prostitutes for most of a day. Anyway, these robots really do have hearts. All it took to get these robots to dance like humans was a little child labor!

Japanese Food Review #29: Pizza-la Get's Flavor Doritos

Pizza-la is about as big as Domino's or Pizza Hut over here, and they create about the same quality of fake pizza. Apparently "Get's" is the type of pizza pictured here. The bag says the pizza is known for having a lot of garlic and mushrooms, but you can also see bacon, green peppers, tomatoes and corn in the picture. The chips don't have a strong flavor, but the most distinct flavor is garlic. If I hadn't seen the bag, I might of guessed that it was an attempt to make taco flavored chips.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6  Not bad, nothing special.
Girlbot: 4  She agrees that it's not bad but thinks it should be penalized for not having enough kick.
Overall: 5

Noah

This is the Noah Shelter. You're supposed to have it sit in your yard and then get in it if a tsunami comes. Then you repopulate the world or something. I live several miles inland on the third floor of an apartment building, but I'm still thinking about investing $6000 in this and making it the centerpiece of my living room. Here's a video of it in action.

The Colonel Wishes You a Merry Christmas

I think many people know that KFC chicken is considered a traditional Christmas dinner in Japan. You can actually pre-order your Kentucky Christmas bucket in October. Here's a look at a couple of the menus being offered:

It's got everything you'd expect to find on Christmas: a bucket of chicken, a special collectors edition Christmas plate, a Christmas salad, and a chocolate cake.

Recently, other restaurants are challenging KFC's monopoly. One popular alternative is Lotteria.

They offer a much more traditional looking Christmas cake. Also, they've swapped out the Christmas salad for french fries, pigs in a blanket, and french toast. Looks like Lotteria has won this round. Your move KFC. Kentucky Christmas 2013 better be something extra special.

Merry Xmas from Space Shower TV

A very special station id from Space Shower TV. I'm sure Jesus is up in heaven smiling about being honored in such a special way. I recommend putting this video on a loop at all your holiday parties this year.

Snow Angels

It's not always easy living in a foreign country, but it is cool being able to convince people that face down snow angels are part of your culture.

Shinzo Abe

 Photo from wikimedia commons                                                                   

There's going to be an election in Japan on December 16th. It is thought that the prime minister will almost surely be Shinzo Abe. I have read, however, that over 40% of voters are undecided, but only about 10% say they support the current party in power. Anyway, I thought I should share some fun facts about Mr. Abe.

*Abe was prime minister of Japan once already from 2006-2007 (a few weeks short of a year).

*Abe was wildly unpopular as the prime minister, and his administration was wrought with scandals. Among them: 

   1. The minister of health gave a speech in which he repeatedly referred to women as baby making machines. (I know what you're thinking, "What's the big deal?" But even though that phrase sounds perfectly natural in English, I guess it sounds a little rude in the original Japanese.)

   2. One cabinet member committed suicide.

   3. Another cabinet member was involved in a political funding scandal.

   4. In response to these problems, Abe created a new cabinet. A week later another member was involved in a financial scandal.

*Abe doesn't believe that "comfort women" in WWII were forced to "comfort" Japanese soldiers' "private parts."

*Abe claims that he resigned not because of his unpopularity, but because of his chronic diarrhea. (I've read a couple different places that he had to go over 30 times a day). Since then, he has found a new medicine and has his illness under control. I'm sure it won't resurface after he's a wildly unpopular prime minister again.

*His grandfather, Nobusuke Kishi, was prime minister in the late 1950s. Kishi was arrested and accused of being a class A war criminal, but was not convicted, so I'm sure he did nothing wrong in the war. (I'm still having trouble figuring out why China hates Japan).

So, in conclusion, he seems like a really good guy and he promises to take a hard stance against China. Maybe our dreams of participating in WWIII will be realized. I think Abe is kind of like the Abe Lincoln of Japan. I mean, both of their names are Abe (though pronounced differently), and they were both forced to leave office before their time (one by being shot in the head, and one from the runs. Same diff.).      

   

An Ashtray with a Heart of Gold

Looks like lung cancer is going to be a thing of the past in Japan thanks to this invention.

Gatsby

This is the stylish alien who likes style and women. He begins to tell us that he met a strange person when he went to buy Gatsby's Moving Rubber (a hair wax, I'm guessing it has something to do with condoms), but then the door closes. First he scolds the woman and makes her open the door. Then he says she's cute and asks her to close it. I think they're going to do it. Here's another Gatsby commercial.

I can't tell you how much I wish I could report that I'm one of those white dudez.

Ultra Tiger

The ultra tiger is back, in Parisian cafe form! In Japanese, ultra is pronounced u-ru-to-ra. Tora also means tiger, so it's super witty to have a dancing uru-tiger. The name of the computer is ultrabook, and they're just singing about how it can be both a computer and a tablet.

Japanese Food Review #28: Rich Pizza Flavor Bebits

Baby Star Ramen is a ramen chip snack. Basically, it's like eating dried, flavored ramen. It's not all that bad. Now they also make Bebits. I believe this is a combination of baby and bits. In America, I imagine the name might be translated to bits o' baby, or something like that. They're advertised as bite-sized Baby Star, which doesn't make sense since Baby Star is already bite-size. This is actually crushed Baby Star Ramen stuck together:

Looks like a mentally disabled person tried to make miniature hockey pucks out of puppy vomit, right? The container is made to look like cup ramen, and there is actually a warning telling you not to pour boiling water in it.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  The taste was pretty good, but it costs more than a bag of chips, has a bit of a strange texture, and looks disgusting.
Girlbot: 3  She prefers the original Baby Star 'chicken soup' flavor.
Overall: 4

The Japanese S Sound

The Japanese have an s sound in their language. I think everyone knows this. Even if you know only a few Japanese words (Sayonara, Gaybot-san, etc.) you have heard it. However, the s sound can not be joined with the vowel i. I know this is true in Korean as well and probably some other languages. For example, a Japanese person might try to say, "Sit down!" but will instead produce, "Shit down!" This, of course, is hilarious and need not be corrected. Still, some people ask me what the difference between "see" and "she" is.
     "You can say set, right?"
     "Set."
     "Right, so just take that same beginning sound and then say ee. So, see."
     "She."
     "Uh, ssss-ee."
     "Ssss-she."
     "Uh, better."
I've tried telling people that when you say sh, your tongue doesn't touch anything, but when you say s, you tongue touches a bit behind your teeth. Now I find out that when a Japanese person says an s, they touch their tongue to their bottom front teeth instead of the top. So for the last few days, I've been periodically trying to say say an s like the Japanese. It's helping me sound like a real idiot.

Handsome Man

 

This is an ad campaign for "Otokomae Smart Suit." Otokomae means "handsome man," so it makes perfect sense that two women wearing prostitute suits are photoed.

Sound Bar

Yeah, I opened up this new sound bar called Under Ground. It's like a play on words. Like, one, it's on the third floor, and two...., wait..., I don't know any of the meanings of under ground.

Start Christmas

The Christmas decorations have been up at all the stores for about a week now. Shops often take down the Halloween stuff to put the Christmas stuff up the next day. That means I'm enjoying all the x-mas tunes wherever I go while losers in other countries are still stuck listening to "normal" music. Luckily, "Last Christmas" by Wham! is considered a traditional holiday song here. On a completely unrelated note, I'm still puzzled by the high suicide rate in Japan.

Fish Dog

In Japan, everything that comes in a hot dog bun is a something-dog. Here we have the ham and egg dog, the fish dog, and the ebi dog (shrimp dog).