Kyary as Boop

I know beauty is supposedly subjective and all, but take a look at this picture and tell me Kyary Pamyu Pamyu isn't the sexiest woman alive.

Betty Boop🚿 pic.twitter.com/iRoYICPg0C

— きゃりーぱみゅぱみゅ (@pamyurin) October 24, 2015

Told you, dudez. Simply breathtaking.

M!LK - I Can't Drink Coffee

Love the attitude these dudez are rocking! This is their first single called "I Can't Drink Coffee". It's about trying to impress girls by drinking coffee even though you can't because it's bitter and stuff. It's something all us cool guyz can relate to. I'm sure you'll watch the whole video.



On another note, I want to thank a lot of you for your advice on how to impress girls. You've had a lot of great ideas, but unfortunately nothing has worked as of yet. As it turns out, it's looking like I might just need to change my wardrobe. This is the uniform M!LK usually wears:

本日はサンリオピューロランドにニコ生に盛り沢山でした〜！ピューロランドにお越し頂いた方、ニコ生をご視聴頂いた方ありがとうございました！#M!LK #EBiDAN #キティ#ニコ生 pic.twitter.com/IW8NpfK696

— M!LK_OFFICIAL_STAFF (@milk_info) August 19, 2015

本日よりM!LK『完全S・S・D！』配信開始！ ★iTunes　http://t.co/jb3KX0xD4I ★レコチョク　http://t.co/YKbHjkSYlt ★music.jp　http://t.co/EB0F9OEmlx pic.twitter.com/wntFgC90Kc

— M!LK_OFFICIAL_STAFF (@milk_info) July 7, 2015

Look out, ladies.

The Sex Picture Book

I guess there's a picture book to teach kids about sex in Japan.

｢せっくすのえほん｣ならしいｗ RT @himuka_523: #この画像がヤバいと思ったらRT　※激エロ注意！ pic.twitter.com/dEKRgf5M

— どみにゃん (@dominyant) February 3, 2012

I never realized that the penis is just the nose of your crotch face. I finally get what sex is now.

If you care, the text reads:

Dad's penis goes in mom's vagina. Sperm climb up to the womb. Many, many sperm jump out. This is called "sex" in English.

This book is called せっくすのえほん (sekkusu no ehon) and is said to be available in many public libraries in the kids corner. So go to the kids corner and start asking people where the sex books are when you have a chance. You won't be sorry.

Erotic Radishes

These are two daikons (large radishes found in Asia) made to look like man and lady parts. They're made in used in Matsusaka, Mie every February. The radishes are paraded around a small village as part of a ritual praying for a good harvest.

Cleavage Diver Necklace

I've always been pretty in tune with how women think, and I know a lot of you can't stand all that creepy eye contact guys give you. "Are you even going to glance once at my jugs today?" is something I imagine you're always thinking. Guess what, ladies? Problem solved!


TANIMA DIVER Introduction movie from ekoD Works on Vimeo.

The fine folks at ekoD Works have made this "visual art series" called "Tanima Diver". Tanima means "valley" but can also mean "cleavage". So these little dudes look like their diving between your breasts. I know guys usually don't want to look there, but I've yet to meet a man who can keep his eyes off a toy scuba diver.

Anyway, it will look like this:

叶えられたい飛び込みたい♡ “@Lily_2801: 男の浪漫、叶えます。 http://t.co/XwOTEpCr5h #タニマダイバーフォトコン pic.twitter.com/SQLH7caa0M”

— ekoD Works/ エコードワークス (@ekoDWorks) December 3, 2014

This is explained in the video, but if you're anything like me and don't have much in the way of breasts, you can buy one of ekoD Works shirts that looks like this:

@tarenagashi0209 @myakkomyako これだとちょっと違うなｗ 妄想マッピングＴシャツ http://t.co/23iTsOcqjW pic.twitter.com/5zAfxcffF2

— じゃう''ぁ@のあヲタ (@javawock7618) December 5, 2014

And then combine the two to look like this:

妄想マッピングTシャツとを組み合わせればあら不思議！（抱き合わせ商法…） “@HxJxK_13: タニマダイバー　サラリーマン http://t.co/0bSlWjufC2 だから谷間のない人間はどうすればええんじゃって” pic.twitter.com/EFmcWzg9x9

— ekoD Works/ エコードワークス (@ekoDWorks) December 6, 2014

Check out the ekoD Works site for more diving shots and to buy your special lady, mother, or any other female you may know a very thoughtful gift.

Itasupo Rubbing Pillow

Huge news in the "pretending your pillow is your girlfriend" world! Our girlfriends can now talk when caressed!!!!! There are sensors in different spots in the pillow and will respond to your romantic touches. For example, the pillow Yuka Makuraba says, "That tickles," when her tummy is rubbed and, "I like when you do that," when you rub her forehead. See! It teaches you! I'll have to try that forehead rub thing if I'm ever near a woman. That's not all. If your touch is too strong, she says, "Can't you be more gentle?" Apparently, just like everyone's dream woman, she also tells you not to touch her in certain places!

By the way, she says she's 16 and the older sister of Rina. Rina was the original pillow. At the end they ask, "Which will be your wife!" So, um, yeah. I guess I'll date the younger one for 4 years before the big wedding night.

Did you want to see the sales representative and Rina pillow?

TOKYO GIGANTIC GIRLS

This is an "art project" called Tokyo Gigantic Girls. Some may argue that this isn't really art per se, but you probably didn't notice that the title is written as 東巨, so it sounds like Tokyo, but it also has the kanji for "giant" in it. It's fun (i.e. art). Also, just think of how long the artist had to struggle coming up with a legitimate reason to point a camera up the skirt of a high school girl. If that video isn't enough for you, there are a lot more pictures and videos. There's an even more "artistic" video of a giant maid waking up.

I've got to say, I think I know what art is, and... shouldn't these girls be smashing stuff? At least pick up that train and shake it a little.

How to Score Hot Dudez

A lot of women write me asking for advice on how to find Mr. Right. It seems like all the macho guyz are already taken! But don't give up, ladies! Remember, guyz like NATURAL BEAUTIES! They also like girls who are passionate and approach everything they do with energy and spunk! And... why am I writing all this? Just mimic the girls in this video (every true dude'z image of the perfect lady), and you'll be just fine!

Happy Rubber Day

I guess the rubber industry wants people to think of May 6th as rubber day. Rubber is "gomu" in Japanese and the date kind of sounds like gomu (5-go, 6-muttsu). Anyway, #ゴムの日 is trending on twitter. I don't know what the rubber industry had in mind, but it's mostly just pictures of condoms and other cool stuff.

#ゴムの日 夜勤おわたー！ 今から俺ナマ浅草橋へ直行します！！ pic.twitter.com/neLx6O3kkx

— 干し芋のナマダ＠5/4〜俺ナマ展！ (@namada00) May 6, 2015

Sorry to turn you guyz on so quickly.

#ゴムの日 pic.twitter.com/HWPDDoUezS

— ジャーキー (@cak4917) May 6, 2015

A lot of the pictures are like this with young girls, but I think I know what my audience wants to see.

手マンで妊娠するらしいから皆さん指にもゴムを付けましょう。 嘘ですwなんか素手で手○ンをすると膣が傷つくらしくてそれを防ぐ為のコンドームらしいです。 #ゴムの日 pic.twitter.com/7tjgNiHlzo

— かなぶん@気分屋 (@KANAVEN_) May 5, 2015

Not enough people talk about finger AIDS prevention these days.

Kinniku Man Toy

I used to collect muscle man toys as a kid, so I was very aroused to find this toy. I think it's really cool that there's an earphone jack for each of the toys. I love pushing my toys in and out of my phone. Also, they chose a really nice color for the plug. It isn't too distracting and fits right in.

There are five different toys showing finishing "holds" in all. Check out the lineup:

I was hoping for the top one that makes me feel like a real man, but I got the second best one.

It's called the toilet flush. This guy is a urinal and is murdering someone. It's fun! Oh, and I'm pretty sure he has a poop hat on. I'm so glad I was able to find more poop news for the blog.

Open to Change Zima Commercial

A lot of you know that the main reason I can't move back to America is my debilitating addiction to Zima. Well, my illness just got that much radder!



Zima is back in a BIG way! Zima truly is clear magic!

Maybe you think that ad doesn't make sense, but you probably just don't understand how they're making a bunch of new flavors like peach and coconut. You don't get that because they don't explain that at all in the commercial. Also, even if you know that, the commercial has nothing to do with the "open to change" theme.

Just thought I'd point out that the views are in the 30s and this video has been up for over a month. It's about to blow up!

Regain Energy Drink

This commercial is for Regain, an energy drink that helps you work. I guess if you drink it, it's kind of like having a demon woman shoot a large amount of electricity into your body. She's pretty good looking, so it's totally worth it.

The demon woman is played by a model named Sumire. She's actually depicting an 80s manga character named Lam from the comic Urusei Yatsura. Lam was a demon alien who could fly and make electricity, so the ad makes perfect sense.

Nikkei Gets You Laid

Nikkei is a financial newspaper similar to the Wall Street Journal. That might not be true. I've never read either of them. This is their latest ad campaign. The top left says, "Update yourself." The big, red writing reads, "Read and you'll see the difference." The babes are all over that dude on the left saying, "Because he reads Nikkei, he knows a lot about the economy and trends," and "It's also the reason he's done a string of good presentations." The lonely virgin playing a video game on the right is saying, "His secret is Nikkei!" I've been doing a ton of research, and it turns out that chicks prefer a guy pretending to be rich over a man who openly, virtually breeds horses.

People might think it's weird to use a comic to sell something to rich men, but the message behind it is true. Like, information is power or something. For instance, did you know that some crocodiles have two penises? I mean, I've never confirmed this, but one can safely assume that at least some have had this deformity. Anyway, next time you're at a bar and some random babe pulls the old, "After awhile, crocodile," line on you, try telling her this fun crocodile penis fact. It's almost guaranteed to get some sort of reaction!

Butt Appears Five Years Younger!!!

Some scientists at the Wacoal corporation discovered something shocking. It turns out that if you wear some underwear that a grandma might think looks nice, your butt will look five years younger! The marketing geniuses at Wacoal decided to have the commercial begin with a women's face near a women's butt. Then someone whispers, "butt." Underwear is put on, and the women's voice keeps whispering, "Amazing." We learn that the butt, thighs, and waist all appear five years younger. And the face staring at the butt is also the head that belongs to the butt's body! It's all very artistic and European.

Coolish Bra

Peach John has made yet another short film starring AKB48's Haruna Kojima. This one is entitled I Am a Cold Women and is an ad for their "Coolish Bra," a bra designed to keep you cool in the summer. Apparently wind can go through the fabric or something. I, personally, choose not to wear a bra during the summer. Kojima plays some sort of ice princess who kills a bunch of men (I know all the ladies reading this are already thinking, "I've gotta get that bra!") I have to say, this seems super unrealistic. Not even one of the frozen guys is pantless or doing a jerking off gesture or something? Kind of hard to believe. Anyway, it turns out she likes casual guys who don't tie up their bow ties. In the end, Little Red Riding Hood becomes the next ice princess... because she wasn't horrified by the murders? ...Buy... bra... coolish good?

World Peace

Humans have been waging wars for as long as we've existed, and yet I still believe that someday the end of all fighting will occur. Why is this? It's difficult to explain, but perhaps I could share a story with you. It all happened when I was still a young boy. I was walking home from school with a few chums of mine, no doubt discussing whose pogs were indeed the raddest, when we came upon a pile of dirty magazines at the old football field. This, of course, was like finding pirate's gold and changed our lives for the better. When people ask me when I became a man, I do not tell the tale of drunkenly throwing a brick at a cop car, for I became a man long before that on a cool spring day at the old field. And look what I found today.

Look! It's a pile of dirty magazines strewn beside a swing set designed for very young children. Some  kind gentleman..., sorry, that's sexist. Some kind gentleman or gentlewoman that doesn't understand what the internet is did their darndest to help make some men today. But this park is on the other side of the globe from that worn down football field. Don't you see! We're all the same! If only everyone heard this story! How could you use chemical weapons on children when you know they're all capable of growing up to do something great like this! Spread the word!!!!

ROK-KISS

ROK-KISS is a Korean dance group that is attempting to make slightly funny exercise videos. You're probably thinking ROK-KISS is a great name because you're a huge Kiss fan and you also like the cutting edge spelling of the word rock. It's even cooler than you imagined! ROK stands for "Republic of Korea" (way cooler than rock and roll) and Kiss doesn't seem to have anything to do with the band.   Here's an original song they made called "Hip Up." Apparently both Koreans and Japanese think hip means butt, so this song is about getting a tighter butt.

The song doesn't start until 0:40. By the way, "oshiri" means butt, and "mite" means look. You can understand almost everything they're saying now. They also do a couple Golden Bomber video covers. The videos are just dance versions. They've changed some moves and have added details about what muscles you're using. Here's their Memeshikute video.

Business Hair Removal

Every year it's the same thing. My wife asks me why I didn't get a promotion and I give the same old reply, "Ah, do you think the fact that you only allow me to spend 10% of my salary on full body waxes might have something to do with it? Just maybe?" Of course my bosses can tell that there are times during the year when licking chocolate syrup off my chest might not be an entirely pleasant experience. But my prayers may have been answered. This flyer is advertising "business hair removal" and shows the ideal hairless business man. It says it is important for a business man to feel clean. I'm not sure if business man is code for gigolo. Laser hair removal is quite popular with women in Japan. I know some men who have had all or just a section of their facial hair removed. This flyer says I can get two sections of my body done for ¥0! For example, two spots could mean both cheeks. Hopefully any cheeks are fine.

Compact Hospitality Bra

Most people close to me know that I'm a bit of an expert with the ladies. I know a lot about how their minds work, like how they like chocolate and stuff. I've also always said that women want super gimmicky bras. They should be like toys and you should be able to stuff crap in them. Great minds think alike, because some Japanese fashion scientists working at Triumph had the same idea. This bra is called Omotenashi (meaning hospitality) Compact Bra. The front reads magokoro meaning sincerity or true heart. The bra pads can be removed and used as little pouches. One holds a little towel while the other holds a collapsable cup. There are little hands pressed together in the front (a very polite gesture), and the gloves in the back can be used to hold the bra and all its gadgets. Of course, those little hands in the front make a normal blouse look ridiculous, but a thick, sexy, wool pancho can still be worn without anyone noticing the costume you have on underneath.

Mr. Japan 2014 Winner....

A huge shout out to Mr. Okinawa, or as he's better known nowadays, Mr. Japan! He was a huge underdog according to the simulations I ran, but he had just about a perfect showing. I know a lot of you already saw the finals and the swimsuit competition, so I'll just post the opening dance, which, in my humble opinion, was "off of the hooks."

It had all the grace and glory of a 5th grade girls talent show performance. Plus, there was a little bit of nipple action (I'm pretty into nipples). By the way, a little ways in the guys each take a turn walking and posing, but they start dancing again around the 6 minute mark. I know there's a lot of dance junkies out there.