Anpanman Shoes

Most shoes for kids in Japan are super shiny and insanely decorated.

C-SPAN

I'm sure you all know that I'm one of the biggest C-SPAN fans this side of Mt. Fuji. That's why I was so excited to see that they've come to their senses and finally opened clothing store in Japan. It was pretty radical. I will say they might want to hire some new clerks. Everyone just acted confused/scared when I started screaming, "Where are the Lindsey Graham socks?! Or which ones do you think he would like to receive for a gift?!" They eventually showed me some socks, but they wouldn't match Lindsey's eyes at all.

GU Gaucho Pants

Here's the latest commercial GU has made for their new campaign. The three ladies are Yuu Kashii, Haru, and Mizuki Yamamoto. The idea is there's a girls meeting between the world's three most beautiful girls. The three women seem to hate life. The slogan at the end is, "You don't want to try, right?"

Anyway, that Cleopatra lady wants to be fashionable but be able to relax. The Helen of Troy lady says the solution is gaucho. She later makes fun of Cleo's hair and Cleo says, "That's my meat." She's angry! It's really a very hilarious joke. In between they wear gaucho pants and walk on treadmills. It's a very solid ad.

Shoe Trouble

I don't want to get too preachy, but I do want the young readers out there to realize that looking at your feet before you leave home in the morning is fairly important. I didn't look at my feet yesterday until after I had completed the fifteen minute walk to the station. It was then that I finally noticed I was wearing one of my normal work shoes and one of my ugliest tennis shoes. It was too late to go back home, and I ended up wearing small, pink slippers at work all day. The slippers were likely designed for women, and they also looked like common bathroom slippers here in Japan.

A lot of people laughed at me and all that jazz. One woman who worked at my son's daycare looked very puzzled and asked what was going on with my shoes. I told her I had simply made a mistake and left it at that. She stared at me for a good five seconds and then said, "American joke?"

Fiorucci Happy!!

The Italians have finally figured out how to get Japanese teens to support the Confederacy.

Compact Hospitality Bra

Most people close to me know that I'm a bit of an expert with the ladies. I know a lot about how their minds work, like how they like chocolate and stuff. I've also always said that women want super gimmicky bras. They should be like toys and you should be able to stuff crap in them. Great minds think alike, because some Japanese fashion scientists working at Triumph had the same idea. This bra is called Omotenashi (meaning hospitality) Compact Bra. The front reads magokoro meaning sincerity or true heart. The bra pads can be removed and used as little pouches. One holds a little towel while the other holds a collapsable cup. There are little hands pressed together in the front (a very polite gesture), and the gloves in the back can be used to hold the bra and all its gadgets. Of course, those little hands in the front make a normal blouse look ridiculous, but a thick, sexy, wool pancho can still be worn without anyone noticing the costume you have on underneath.

Sexy Bunny

You know, American parents like to act like they're all "enlightened," but even today most parents will deny that they want their 3-year-old daughters to be sexy honey bunnies. Puritan idiots.

Jins Anti-Pollen Glasses 2014

This commercial may not be as radical as last year's, but there's still a lot to like about this. For one, the amount of pollen that can not reach your eye balls has increased from 93% to 98%. Not only that, but apparently Jins has discovered the Japanese Bill Cosby and hired him to write the music for this commercial. Also, that hand motion the model lady does at the end just might be the next "cut it out" (made famous by the late, great Dave Coulier).

Hot Air Balloons and Fat

Chicks dig a bit of fat. Also hot air balloons, cursive handwriting, and a checkerboard in the corner of things.

Anchor

"Beauty." When you hear that word, you probably picture some sort of an anchor if you're like most humans. But the real "beauty" of this shirt is the message on the top. (I'm pretty sure that could be classified as a witty play on words.)

This is the perfect shirt to wear when you don't have the balls to say, "You can't get mad if it turns out I have a secret husband in Peru, cool?"

Kids Clothes

If I found this in my mailbox in America, I would assume it's a right wing flyer warning what will happen to the youth of the country if gay marriage becomes a reality. In Japan, it's just an ad for kids clothes because you should already want your boy to look like this.

Lucky Bastard

Swastika

You've gotta admit, it's way easier to raise your child as a Nazi sympathizer in Japan.

Anti-Pollen Glasses

Many Japanese have terrible allergies in the spring. The biggest problem is that following WWII, cedar trees were planted all over to produce wood quickly, but the pollen produced from the trees now gives millions of people hay fever. In response to this, Jins has come out with these anti-pollen glasses. They're basically goggles that look like glasses and prevent 93% of pollen from entering your eyes. Anyway, we can finally have those pink sand fights we've always dreamed of.

Christmas Fashion

I'm sick of all these sexist ideas like, "Halloween is the only holiday where it's appropriate to wear a sexy costume," or, "A mother with two ten-year-old children shouldn't dress like a Christmas sex slave," or, "It's somehow 'weird' to make your wife refer to you as Mrs. Clause."

Gatsby

This is the stylish alien who likes style and women. He begins to tell us that he met a strange person when he went to buy Gatsby's Moving Rubber (a hair wax, I'm guessing it has something to do with condoms), but then the door closes. First he scolds the woman and makes her open the door. Then he says she's cute and asks her to close it. I think they're going to do it. Here's another Gatsby commercial.

I can't tell you how much I wish I could report that I'm one of those white dudez.

Handsome Man

 

This is an ad campaign for "Otokomae Smart Suit." Otokomae means "handsome man," so it makes perfect sense that two women wearing prostitute suits are photoed.

Gaybot Fashion Update

I know a lot of you look at me as a sort of god of fashion. "If it's pressed against against Gaybot's skin, it's gotta be in," is becoming a phrase I hear all too often. Well, guess what? I just got me a brand new wardrobe. Check it out:

Jesus Hat

This hat is cool because it says both, "Jesus loves you!" and, "I have no idea what Christianity is," at the same time.

Alphabet's Alphabet

At first I was thinking that it was pretty cocky of Alphabet to get her own alphabet, but then I thought, "Hey, as long as someone is finally supplying fine balance for my closet, I don't care how they do it!"