Gaius Marius

I think it's safe to assume that anyone reading this blog also has a strong interest in ancient Rome. Also, you likely don't read "books". For some reason I read Plutarch's Life of Gaius Marius yesterday (the first part of the Penguin Classic Fall of the Roman Republic). If you actually care about history, you should probably read it, but I thought there were several interesting, unimportant facts and would like to share them with you. Just for reference, Marius lived from 157 to 86 BC. Okay, onto stuff no one cares about.

*Plutarch wrote, "The Spaniards in those days still thought that to be a bandit was a most honorable profession." God damn Spaniards never change.

*Before a battle with these Cimbri barbarians, the Cimbri  dudes thought they needed to show off how strong and brave they were. They got naked and climbed a mountain during a snowstorm and then slid down the steepest parts on their shields and jumped over crevasses. Dude, Youtube is going to get so much better if they ever invent the time machine camera.

*Plutarch said it's common knowledge that it rains after a big battle. Then he tried to reason why that would happen. It's either that some supernatural power is cleansing the earth or that the rotting flesh sends vapors into the sky causing rain. Both are pretty scientific thoughts. Tough to say which is right. Probably a combination of the two.

*Marius had a group of people in his house that wanted to kill this dude, Saturninus. Saturninus, who also came to the house through a different door, had done Marius a solid, so they were kind of allies. Anyway, Marius pretended to both parties that he had diarrhea and ran back and forth stirring up trouble. It seriously sounds like the best sitcom ever.

*In the end, it was clear that Sulla would return and murder Marius. Instead of fleeing or meeting death honorably, Marius just went crazy. He tried to drink himself to sleep at all hours of the day and seemed to be hallucinating being on the battlefield while on his deathbed. Plutarch, I guess just to make us understand that he thought Marius was an idiot, compared this to Plato's final moments when he thanked his guardian spirit for three things:

1. For being born a human and not an animal.
2. For being born Greek and not a foreigner.
3. For being born in the age of Socrates.

It really makes me think about how lucky I am. I mean, I hate animals, and I'm so glad I wasn't born one of those god damn, bandit loving, Spaniards. And I'm just so thankful to share this planet with Oprah and her brilliant mind.