Lemongina

This is kind of old news, but last spring, the makers of Orangina (Suntory in Japan) made a carbonated lemon beverage called Lemongina. Some people said it was okay or even good. However, many others said it was horrible. A common complaint was that it tasted like dirt. Perhaps this is why I didn't get around to trying it, but when I saw a shop selling it for ¥15 cheaper than usual, I just had to have it.

For me, it tasted like a lemon version of Orangina. It was sweeter than I would want a lemonade to be. It also tasted a little grapefruity? It reminded me of Squirt a bit. Still, I didn't detect any soil seasoning. Girlbot tried it and said the aftertaste did not taste like dirt, but somehow smelled like dirt. She said after she swallowed, bubbles went up to her nose and wreaked of the earth. I don't know, maybe American dirt tastes different from Japanese dirt. I'll have to give it a try soon.

Suntory has recently tried to promote a new way to consume Lemongina. Why not mix it with another of their delicious products, Jim Beam? Here is a commercial where Rola demonstrates the making of this new creation.



I don't even need to try this to know what I'd think. Jim Beam makes everything at least pretty good, but I'll stick with the tried and true Beam & whole milk, thank you very much.

Tomato Water

If you're anything like me, you spend a large amount of your morning squeezing tomatoes into a pot, filtering that tomato juice four or five times until most of the color is gone, and mixing it with water. Then you probably have enough tomato water to hold you over until lunch. But is there a better way? Well, the fine people at I LOHAS (the water produced by Coca Cola in Japan) have figured out how to actually "bottle" tomato water. The label boasts that the water contains real tomato extract from Kumamoto prefecture. That's got to be some of the finest tomato extract in all of Japan.

I thought the idea of slightly tomato flavored water was pretty gross, but upon tasting it, I realized that's not at all what this was. It was really sweet. I flipped it around and saw that the second ingredient (behind water) was two types of sugar, then came salt, and finally tomato extract showed up. Also, I thought it would be 0-3 calories or something, but it's 94. It tasted like Pocari Sweat (like Japanese Gatorade) but with tomato. Oh, and the tomato taste was quite strong. I don't want to do a formal review on this... because I thought it was just water... and because my brain doesn't make any sense, but this would earn a 0 score.

Dog Bread

This is another vending machine toy called inu-pan, meaning dog bread. There are six types in all.

It says the intended age for this product is 15 and older. I think it's probably true that a lot of 14-year-olds just don't get dog bread, you know? And also they might choke on it or get weird ideas. I had to tell my 2-year-old, "No! Maybe I'll let you touch it in 13 years. We'll see how mature you are then. This isn't some kind of toy! This is dog bread! Adults only!"

Let's take a closer look at the six types of dog bread.

Obviously the top three are the really high quality bread dogs. The doughnut one is cool as well, but what's with two waffle dogs? They're not even in the waffles. I really think they just put in a couple crap ones so if you get one of them, you feel like you have to buy another.

And wouldn't you know it, just my luck, I got a waffle dog. I'd even say it's the worse of the two waffle dogs.

I suppose I might get another one if I find myself drunk and with extra coins at the grocery store.

Orion Citrus Beer

For years we've been wondering what Asahi's answer to Bud Light Lime would be, and now we have the answer: Orion Shequasar Beer Cocktail. Shequasar is also known as citrus depressa. I have no idea what that sentence means, but it's just some lime looking fruit in Okinawa and Taiwan. Orion is Asahi's Okinawan beer. It pretty much tastes like other Japanese beers. Maybe it's slightly lighter.

This beer is "FOR YOUR HAPPY TIME" and gives itself three stars. All good signs. Girlbot took the first sip and made a face like it was the worst thing ever, then said, "It's good. Tastes like Corona with a lime." Apparently the carbonation somehow caused that face. It wasn't very good. It tasted like Orion with some lime flavoring, which was probably mostly artificial because it says it has 0.2% fruit juice. I don't really remember what Bud Light Lime tasted like, but this was better.

I guess check out this limited edition beer if you have the chance.

Open to Change Zima Commercial

A lot of you know that the main reason I can't move back to America is my debilitating addiction to Zima. Well, my illness just got that much radder!



Zima is back in a BIG way! Zima truly is clear magic!

Maybe you think that ad doesn't make sense, but you probably just don't understand how they're making a bunch of new flavors like peach and coconut. You don't get that because they don't explain that at all in the commercial. Also, even if you know that, the commercial has nothing to do with the "open to change" theme.

Just thought I'd point out that the views are in the 30s and this video has been up for over a month. It's about to blow up!

Pepsi Pink Cola

Japanese Food Review #94

I hope this doesn't "ruffle" any feathers, but I'm going to review a drink as if it were a food. No hate mail, please.

One thing I hate about cola is that it's brown and tastes like cola. Luckily, Pepsi in Japan often has limited edition flavors. Perhaps you remember Salty Watermelon Pepsi. It wasn't good.

When I first opened Pepsi Pink, I thought it smelled like a fake fruit punch or something. Then I tasted it, and it had a little bit of a cola flavor mixed in. I didn't know this at the time, but it was released once before in 2011. At that time, the bottle said it was strawberry and milk flavor. I did think it had a faint fake strawberry taste, but I didn't notice any milk flavor.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I'm not a big fan of Pepsi, but this was sort of nice to try one time. It, at least, had an original taste.
Girlbot: 7.5  She almost never drinks soda. Like, she doesn't know if she prefers Pepsi or Coke and can't remember how they taste. Still, she thinks this is slightly better than Pepsi.
Overall: 5.75

Pink Beer

I've often complained that, "Beer isn't really that cute," and, "Beer is almost alway identifiable as beer," but that has all changed thanks to Asahi's new pink beer! It's actually a happoshu (low malt beer) and not a true beer. This one boasts that it has 50% less sugar. I thought I'd probably need to add a couple spoonfuls of sugar, but it turned out to be okay without it. It says the drink contains rose hip, so theoretically that's why it's pink. It also calls itself a "beer cocktail" and says it smell of hops. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. I usually hate happoshu, and this wasn't good, but it tasted like there were some hops in it instead of just tasting like a somehow worse version of Coors Light.

Embarrassing Drunk Moment

This guy isn't all that drunk, I guess.

Everybody has one of those stories where they drank a bit too much in front of their co-workers and did something embarrassing. Maybe you spilled a margarita your crouch and everyone now calls you "Marga-pee-pee-pants" (a witty play on words). Or maybe your tongue got a little too loose and you revealed your love of Mein Kampf and now everyone calls you, "that horrible neo-Nazi guy we're trying to get fired." Well guess what? A man in Karatsu, Saga has it even worse than you.

A public employee in his 50s went drinking with his co-workers and then planned to take a 9:38 train home. Apparently he had done some serious drinking in between the time work ended and 9:00, because he was so drunk that he didn't get on the train! Can you imagine the razzing he'd get at the office the next day! But wait, there's more.

At some point he fell on the tracks and an out-of-service train ran him over. Oh, also he doesn't remember this. Actually, he doesn't remember anything until almost six hours later. At around 4:10 am he woke, saw that his left leg had been severed at the knee, and called for an ambulance. I'm sure there were a lot of fun jokes about how he can't handle his sake around the office! A lot of hop to it comments and stuff.

Source: Asahi Shimbun Online

Hounen Matsuri

I went to Hounen Matsuri yesterday. It's a festival with rituals performed hoping for a good year of farming and fertility. It's so nice to see traditional, real Japan.

It's a great time to enjoy treats that you can only find in Japan, like these special chocolate bananas with marshmallows attached.

Contrary to popular belief, the pink and brown ones are roughly the same size.

Praying for a child has never tasted so sweet... except for this one night involving chocolate syrup and handcuffs.

I just love religions! I was so moved that I vomited in the middle of the crowd. Talk about the holy spirit. Oh, also there was unlimited free sake.

A Healthy 2014

This is taken from a calender with tips for staying healthy in 2014. The mom is yelling at the drunk father because the air conditioner is too cold. Apparently you can get sick if you drink a cold beverage in front of an air conditioner (it has nothing to do with the 12 beers). Anyway, my New Year's resolution is to drink beers in the warmest corner of any given room.

Teacher Walks Home in Sneakers...and Nothing Else

Take your clothes off, you fool!

I think this story could be considered a Christmas miracle of sorts. A temporary teacher (that probably means he was hired for a year or less while a full time teacher is on maternity leave or something) was arrested for walking down the road near his home around 2:00 AM wearing nothing but sneakers. Wait, check that... He was also wearing a backpack full of his clothes. The man had a perfectly logical explanation. You see, he had just attended his school's year end party. In Japan, these parties usually involve binge drinking. Apparently this teacher had partaken a little too much in the festivities. So that explains it, right? Just some drunk guy... but no! It seems this teacher had a very good reason for walking in the nude. He told officers that he removed his clothes to sober up. I knew there was a reason I'm always dropping my pants at bars! Let this Christmas miracle be remembered henceforth. I mean, first it was the birth of our lord, and now the discovery of how to sober up quickly. When I think of how many job interviews I ruined just because I didn't know this simple trick! Anyway, I guess getting sober is still against the law in Japan.

Heparize W Hyper

I think this is a product for all those business men who gave up their dream of being a gay actor on Broadway. It's a drink that you should have after consuming a large amount of alcohol. You know, one of those drinks with turmeric and liver extract. In Japan, there's usually a large selection of these at any convenience store. I know they're supposed to help you avoid getting a hangover. I'm guessing this one is also supposed to help your liver (that's why there's a cute liver on the bottle maybe).

They're singing about how they're going home, and then the people inside ask them if they have Heparize. Then they drink it and that guy makes an awesome sound. The end.

Drink Vinegar

I'm pretty sure that if you drink just one more cup of vinegar than you normally do a day, you'll be much healthier. Or, for sure your body will change somehow.

Turn

This is the cover of a photo album.

I'm pretty sure his progressive purpose is being a horrible alcoholic.

Of course no story is complete without a great epirogue.

Again, I'm pretty sure this is a metaphor for being super good at drinking or something.

Candy Beer

This drink looks like beer and tastes like cola. The mug shows the Nohara family from Crayon Shin Chan, a popular manga and anime in Japan. It's called Namaiki Drink, meaning cheeky drink, and it's sold at most grocery stores. It's a great way to encourage 2-year-olds to develop a drinking problem.

Public Service Announcement

This little dude is saying, "Don't become like me." At first this gave me pause. I am an overweight, alcoholic smoker, and my skin is shockingly pink. Then I realized that I have some hair and usually wear pants, so I'm probably still cool.

Dragon Ball Cider

Cider in Japan is neither an alcoholic beverage or made from apples. It's just a sweet soft drink. I've heard people say it's similar to lemonade, and that may be true if you were to make lemonade without any natural or artificial lemon flavor. If you ever buy Japanese candy that looks cute and is for little kids, you'll probably taste something that's kind of sweet and awful but with no real distinguishable flavor. That's cider.

Anyway, DyDo has teamed up with Dragon Ball to make special cider cans. There are six different cans with six different characters. I, of course, got Goku. On the back of the can you can see his stats (I'm taller, older, and heavier than him). Girlbot thought this was a delicious treat. I'd mark it down as one of the worst non-diet sodas I've ever had. Certainly in the bottom 10%. There are seven vitamins in the drink, so it's got to be super healthy.

Soul Bar

All three things written on this sign are already a little strange, but when you check out their website, you realize it's just a normal bar that plays soul music. Yep, exactly what you'd expect from a soul bar. Like if you click on "News," there's a photo of woman who is apparently having an orgasm. If you click "Access," you see a woman hugging a gun. If you click on "Dr.Smith," you see a strange picture of Dr. Smith from Lost in Space along with a super long explanation of his character and the show. The writer of this (I'm assuming the owner) finishes by saying he would like to become like Dr. Smith (who I believe was a flamboyant, cowardly villain). I guess that explains why he opened a soul bar. I've only seen a bit of the show, but I remember how much Dr. Smith and the robot loved drinking hard liquor and listening to soul music.

Drinking and Driving

The other night I was about to drive home drunk when this smiling, talking car told me not to. It really made me reexamine a lot of things. It also helped me realize that I was still capable of reading. Clearly I wasn't drunk enough. I bought a fifth of whiskey and fell asleep in the subway bathroom. All I'm saying is maybe if there were more cartoon cars telling people what to do in America, drinking and driving wouldn't be such a huge problem

Bargain Shopping

You can get 2 liters of whiskey for under 3000 yen plus a free can of fish?! Talk about the perfect Wednesday afternoon!