Great Christmas Jam

I thought I'd continue with the Christmas theme from yesterday. This dude, Jun Hashiba, is the best. I'll just quote the video description:

"I'm 52 years old and Japanese.I'm a "Rihanna,B**** Better Have My Money" fan.I write a music and I play it with a PC.Please listen to the music.It's short song.Thank you!"

I've had this song in my head for a couple days, and it's for sure going to be a part of my holiday playlist every year. In case you want to sing along, he posted the lyrics in the comments.

"All the lights are shining everywhere And children are singing christmas carols I hear sleigh bells in the distance Oh,We're having a wonderful christmastime    I was looking forward to Christmas And I'm so very glad you're here Santa brought you to my room tonight We'll celebrate here on christmas day   I say Merry ChristmasYou say Merry ChristmasOh yeah,Merry ChristmasThat only comes this time of year   I say Merry ChristmasYou say Merry ChristmasOh yeah,Merry ChristmasThat only comes this time of year"

Christmas Everyday

I wish I could be Christmas everyday.

I'm not really sure who came up with this quote. Maybe Jesus? Anyway, these decorations are hanging up year round at Big Echo, a karaoke place.

Teacher Walks Home in Sneakers...and Nothing Else

Take your clothes off, you fool!

I think this story could be considered a Christmas miracle of sorts. A temporary teacher (that probably means he was hired for a year or less while a full time teacher is on maternity leave or something) was arrested for walking down the road near his home around 2:00 AM wearing nothing but sneakers. Wait, check that... He was also wearing a backpack full of his clothes. The man had a perfectly logical explanation. You see, he had just attended his school's year end party. In Japan, these parties usually involve binge drinking. Apparently this teacher had partaken a little too much in the festivities. So that explains it, right? Just some drunk guy... but no! It seems this teacher had a very good reason for walking in the nude. He told officers that he removed his clothes to sober up. I knew there was a reason I'm always dropping my pants at bars! Let this Christmas miracle be remembered henceforth. I mean, first it was the birth of our lord, and now the discovery of how to sober up quickly. When I think of how many job interviews I ruined just because I didn't know this simple trick! Anyway, I guess getting sober is still against the law in Japan.

Santaman

Here's Santaman in his classic "will he, won't he come out of the closet" pose. Enough kidding aside, it truly is a lovely costume. Also, below "Santaman" it says "Santamaria," so I guess that's the female equivalent. Or Santamaria could be Japanese for Mrs. Claus. You truly learn something new everyday!

Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger

These dudez are basically the newest Power Rangers in Japan. This time they've got some electric dinosaur. I don't know anything about the show, but Wikipedia says it features samba, so it's probably pretty good. That thing on the left can make Christmas noises, and again the advertisement acts like it's awesome that the head of the dinosaur can come off... just as baby Jesus would have hoped.

Anpanman Christmas Cake

Anpan is a bread filled with sweet red beans. That character in the middle is Anpanman, and his head is that type of bread. On either side are Currypanman (Curry Bread Man) and Shokupanman (Sliced Bread Man). Several other characters are depicted around the cake. Most of the characters are food, but some, like the villian Baikinman (Germ Man), are not. Merry Christmas everyone!

Tsutaya and AKB48

Tsutaya is a movie and music rental chain in Japan (which still exist because there's nothing like Netflix here) and it has just turned 30-years-old! To celebrate the occasion, three members of AKB48 dressed up in sexy Santa outfits and exploded giant phallic symbols together. The lady with the reddish brown hair is Haruna Kojima, star of those magic bra commercials. The two other girls ask her how old she is and she replies with a haughty, "Eh?" Probably most of my readers don't understand why this is a funny joke, so let me try and explain it to you. You see, Ms. Kojima is a woman, and many women would like to keep their age a secret because this can be advantages when searching for potential mates. Women can only reproduce for a fixed period of time, and this fact has many ramifications on societies. One effect is that most males of the species prefer younger females (like when Sir Paul McCartney was banging that young one-legged chick). As it happens, Ms. Kojima appears to be young, but she is in fact 25.

I'll pause a moment while you rinse the vomit out of your mouth.

...

Suffice it to say, she'd be lucky to score with my grandfather, and he's been dead for ten years. That's why the joke in the commercial was so funny.

Kamen Rider Gaim Cake

Little girls everywhere will be happy to know that they can get their very own Kamen Rider Gaim Christmas cake this year. Look, a little action figure comes with the cake,and, get this, the head rotates! Also, you get a little sound making device that says, "Merry Christmas," "Jingle bell," and, "Happy time." The batteries are sold separately. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Kumamon Cake

I can't tell you how much mail I get requesting me to write about the erotic bakery scene in Japan. Yes, it's true that I'm an expert on the subject, but this is just one topic I don't want to cover. I mean, if I publish all my knowledge, suddenly my favorite little bakery is crowded with other erotic cake enthusiasts. Instead, I've decided to take a look at some cakes you could have ordered for Christmas (in Japan you traditionally eat a cake on Christmas Eve).

This is a Kumamon cake. Kumamon is a character from Kumamoto amd kuma means bear.

 As you can see, it's a traditional "face cake." It's just a chocolate dome, and they give you some plastic pieces to make Kumamon's face. Nothing says Christmas like enjoying the sweet, sweet innards of a bear's face.

Keep reading all week for more Christmas cake news.

Santa-san

I think there was some study that people get depressed during the holidaze because they don't hear enough Christmas songs. Well, Momo Clover Z is here to help with their song "Santa-san." It's a couple of years old, but it will still help you celebrate the birth of our lord and savior. It's got of ton of great ideas, like treating each other like Christmas trees, locking someone in the fridge while caroling, hitting all your friends in the face with Christmas cakes (hilarious), and, or course, Christmas hog piles. Also, I'm guessing this song holds the record for the most times "Santa" is said in a song since the chorus is his name over and over (quite catchy).

KFC Christmas 2013

As I sort of promised you in my insightful piece on Lotteria's Merry Xmas package, today we will be looking at KFC's Christmas specials.

The two main packages will run you about $40 a piece. The only difference between the two is that the top one offers 8 pieces of original chicken, while the bottom only offers 4 originals and 6 chicken tenders. You also get a plate, a cake, and a salad (yuck) with chicken on top (yum?). If you want people to think you're classy, but you still really want KFC, you can choose from their special menu.

They offer a roasted breast (already hilarious) filled with shrimp-mushroom-cheese crean. Wait, but know shrimp dogs? Lotteria wins again.

Lotteria Merry Xmas

While people in America are wasting their time thinking about what to prepare for Thanksgiving, the Japanese are festively making reservations to eat fast food fried chicken on Christmas Eve. Most restaurants ask that you place your order buy the end of November. I know a lot of readers out there are too busy to look at advertisements themselves, so I've decided to place this unpaid advertisement on The Gaybot Times as a service to you. Lotteria has changed their menu slightly this year. They are still offering boneless chicken and juicy chicken pieces, but the french toast has been replaced by raisin danishes (a very risky move), and the pigs in a blanket have been replaced by ebi-dogs (think stick docks but with ebi instead of hot dogs. Also, ebi means shrimp). It appears Lotteria is taking a step backwards this year, though the 2 packets of Heinz Ketchup is a nice touch. Will one of Lotteria's competitors offer a more scrumptious menu? Check back soon to see if I remember to write about that!

Shang-hai DELI

The Japanese don't take many things from Jewish culture, but they have adopted one tradition: forcing workers at Chinese restaurants to wear Santa hats. (note: I'm no expert on Judaism, but I am aware of this one ancient custom.)

Christmas Eve Dinner

I had a very festive "fried chicken box" on the train last night. It even had a sticker with that famous saying, "Santa's just cominng." This is, of course, a play on words concerning his erectile dysfunction or something.

The Traditional Christmas Cake

You're supposed to eat a Christmas cake on Christmas Eve in Japan. It's usually a white cake with white frosting and strawberries (they're considered to be a winter fruit and grown almost exclusively in green houses). Most shops let you reserve a cake as early as October. In fact, none of these cakes above are for sale. They're just waiting to be picked up. A cheap cake would cost about 2500 yen, but a normal priced cake is 3000-4000 yen (and you can spend a ridiculous amount if you're so inclined). Most Japanese are quite surprised to find that Americans don't partake in the same tradition.

Ultraman: A Modern Day Jesus/Santa?

For some reason the Japanese don't follow the tradition of forcing children to sit on a "magic" stranger's lap, but I did come across this Christmas Eve miracle. Ultraman made a visit to a toy store and allowed children to be photographed with him.

Reindeer Man Part 2

This is obviously the cooler of the two reindeer costumes. Again, the shoes let the ladies know you're still classy while the pose let's them know you're awesome. I recommend doing this pose randomly at least five times a day (even if you can't get your hands on this costume). I guarantee people start treating you differently.

Making Dreams Come True

I think every young man at some point has dreamed of making love to a Christmas tree. I mean, certainly I couldn't be the only one, right?

Snowball Man

I think we've all had that dream where your torso becomes a talking snowman's head. Well, you can finally make that dream a reality sort of. Anyway, it's a sure fire way to score with the ladies. If that fails, at least it will be made very clear that you have a severe learning disability.

Reindeer Man

Everybody at the Christmas party is going to feel like such an idiot, with their uncomfortable, collared shirts and lack of fake suspenders. When you walk in, everyone knows, "That dude is already way drunker than anyone else is going to get tonight." Chicks are for sure going to be impressed by that.