nicoflash

Japanse Indie Music Sundays

As far as I can tell, there's no information at all about nicoflash on the internet.  They (or he) seems to be related to the Osaka punk band, ladyflash. Nicoflash has only two songs on their soundcloud page. The first is a cover of a The Jesus and Mary Chain song, and the second is the song below, which sounds like a 60s song but isn't listed as a cover.

Library Cards Are Cool

This an ad that's been on the windows of trains lately. It's for library cards and the slogan is, "Get one and you'll want to read books." I guess you'll be like one of those famous reading space dogs. One interesting fact you can learn from reading: Even with that fishbowl on its head, that dog will be dead within in minutes suffering a horrendous death. The bends will begin within seconds and eventually parts of its body will expand to twice their normal size! Get your card kids!

Doragons

Today was opening day for baseball in Japan. Here in Nagoya, the Dragons were defeated by the Carp in 10 innings. Better luck tomorrow, Dragon baseball players. Every year the subway station near the Nagoya Dome is decorated with posters of all the players and some other photos from memory lane. This year, you can see every uniform the team has ever worn. The 1948 uniform was unusual because "Doragons" was written on the front instead of "Dragons." Doragons is taken directly from how the word is written in the Japanese katakana. Apparently the team had only been known as the Dragons for a year and hadn't had the name written on the uniform before. According to Japanese Wikipedia, the spelling was a mistake, but the team didn't have enough funds to correct the error and used the jerseys for the year.

One other thing of note, all of those lines pointing at the uniform just tell you what color each part of the uniform is. This seems like sort of an odd choice to do for a color drawing.

Mr. Japan 2014 Winner....

A huge shout out to Mr. Okinawa, or as he's better known nowadays, Mr. Japan! He was a huge underdog according to the simulations I ran, but he had just about a perfect showing. I know a lot of you already saw the finals and the swimsuit competition, so I'll just post the opening dance, which, in my humble opinion, was "off of the hooks."

It had all the grace and glory of a 5th grade girls talent show performance. Plus, there was a little bit of nipple action (I'm pretty into nipples). By the way, a little ways in the guys each take a turn walking and posing, but they start dancing again around the 6 minute mark. I know there's a lot of dance junkies out there.

Amazing Soft Contact Device Invented

I know some people are a little squeamish about touching their eyeballs. I think that's probably because they're not touching them with tweezers. That's all going to change. I can already see myself explaining to my bewildered grandchildren that some humans used to manually insert their contacts! The future truly is a wondrous land.

Japanese Spaghetti Popsicle Review

Japanese Food Review #80

This popsicle is brought to us by the same people that made a stew popsicle last fall. It's actually called Neapolitan flavor, or more accurately "naporitan." Naporitan is a Japanese version of spaghetti. You can see in the picture that it includes slices of green pepper and bacon, and the sauce usually has at least a little ketchup in it.

This popsicle is of the "gari-gari" variety meaning it has a little ice cream on the outside and the inside is supposed to be like a snow cone. The figure above shows that there's naporitan ice cream, naporitan snow cone ice, and tomato jelly on the inside.

There's the tomato jelly. You can see that we didn't get through much of it before running it under water. It tasted like frozen Campbell's tomato soup with a lot of extra sugar added. Surprisingly, the tomato jelly was probably the least gross part.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 0  It was the worst thing we've tried.
Girlbot: 0  She agrees.
Overall: 0

Pizza Hut Revolutionizes Pizza Box Technology

Let me guess how your last phone call to order pizza ended:

Pizza Human: So, just the two pizzas?
You: Yeah, that's all.
Pizza Human: And how many boxes do you want with that?
You: Umm...
Pizza Human: I assume you're going to get at least one.
You: I can get just one?
Pizza Human: Yeah, I can try to stuff them into one box if you'd like.
You: Can I get two?
Pizza Human: Sure, no problem. It's just company policy that I have to remind you that the rain forest  is being cut down at an incredibly rapid rate.
You:...I'll take the two boxes...
Pizza Human: And I'll just call up the rain forest and tell that chimpanzee family they'll have to move again.
You: ...
Human Pizza: Okay, you're pizzas should be there in about 30 minutes. Thank you, sir.

These conversations might soon be a thing of the past thanks to the hardworking scientists at Pizza Hut's Japanese research facilities.

What? Two pizzas in one box? The only reason I never ordered Pizza Hut was because I didn't want to waste cardboard. Things are looking up. Hello many evenings of heartburn and depression!

Fancy Books

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

Fancy Books is a guy and a girl duo from Saitama. They're the second indie band with "fancy" in their title to be looked at here at The Times (the first being Fancy Numnum). They say they've tried to combine the cute sound of Au Revoir Simone with the romantic sound of Memory Tapes. I don't know what the hell they're talking about, but they've made some weird electronic music. This track is taken from their 2012 EP "Wisteria" put out by Dead Funny Records (the same label that put out a The Paellas record).
I don't know. It seems like the perfect music to make out with that mannequin you've been eyeing. Check out the rest of the EP if you please.

Wally Cook Update

Awhile ago there was a little post on this site about a place called Wally Cook because the sign made it look like the name might be Wally Cock. That's already hilarious, but I took that photo at night and apparently only saw part of the building.

Oh, that's kind of funny that the cock restaurant has shiny bones sticking out of a wine glass. And then on the other wall...

Those pink things sure are thrusting into that wine bottle that's gushing out a mountain that... hey, wait a minute! Is that a dick in the snow of the mountain! This is like The Little Mermaid all over again!

For the record, this place does seem to be a normal restaurant and not some erotic bakery, or sex cafe, or a sex a wine bottle shop, or something.

Toyota Porte to End Fighting

The idea behind this Toyota Porte commercial is that because you can collapse the front passenger seat and "walk through" the car, you'll also be able to get through your family's horrible fights. In the commercial, the human mother is yelling about that robot bird toy, saying, "Where are we going to put it?" The human-bird monster father responds, "Po!...Po!" Apparently that's all he can say. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but... I think the woman is right. The toy seems pretty cool, but the father's argument seems flimsy at best. Anyway, the seemingly human child solves the problems by mutating and using her bird powers to fly. So... buy a Porte.

Japanese Cowboy

Ween has gotta being spinning in their grave.

Fit's Cat Commercial

The newest Fit's commercial is for their Link gums. They claim that the mint flavor lasts for 50 minutes. The concept of this commercial is that you can be in a good mood the whole way to work if you chew this gum.
Let me see, how can I describe what a good mood is. I guess it's kind of like when you have that recurring dream where your cat mutates into a giant and plays with you for 50 minutes. You know he will eventually devour you, and for some reason no one will help you or even notice you. Then, right before your grizzly death, the cat bursts into nothing and you wake up in a pool of your own urine. You know, a good mood.

Deepo Habanero Cheese Review

Japanese Food Review #79

Calbee's latest chip sensation is called Deepo. Unless you're an idiot, you've already figured out that they got the name by combining the "dee" from "deep cut" and the "po" from "potato chips." It's just one of those things that makes you wonder why no one ever thought of this before. Right now there are only two flavors, rock salt and habanero cheese. We will be reviewing the latter today. I think both kinds are pretty extreme based on the commercials.





I had to try them for the same reason I only drank Surge for three years; I want babes to like me. I've been spending a lot of time trying to climb trees super fast in the hopes that someone walks along and says those magic words, "Okay, that's deepo!" So far I've just gotten a few strange looks from elderly passersby.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  I guess the thick chip was okay. They tasted like chili powder, but they weren't spicy. I couldn't really taste the cheese. Huge disappointment.
Girlbot: 3  She didn't like them.
Overall: 3.25

SUPER VHS

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

SUPER VHS is another band that sings in English that is difficult decipher, perhaps intentionally so. They are from Kanagawa, Japan. Other than that, there's very little information about them on the internet. I think they've only come out with one song in the last year. Here's a video from 2011. The video isn't that good, but the song is lovely.


 A lot of their music sounds a bit like Ween's Pure Guava. Here's another good track from 2011.



Here's another from 2012 that's just fun pop.


By the way, I'm not sure about this, but I may have discovered this band on the blog Gay Vegan Vinyl Cassette. Not only is it the best named blog in the world, it's also a good place to learn about more Japanese indie music.

Hounen Matsuri

I went to Hounen Matsuri yesterday. It's a festival with rituals performed hoping for a good year of farming and fertility. It's so nice to see traditional, real Japan.

It's a great time to enjoy treats that you can only find in Japan, like these special chocolate bananas with marshmallows attached.

Contrary to popular belief, the pink and brown ones are roughly the same size.

Praying for a child has never tasted so sweet... except for this one night involving chocolate syrup and handcuffs.

I just love religions! I was so moved that I vomited in the middle of the crowd. Talk about the holy spirit. Oh, also there was unlimited free sake.

English Okey

You're not going to have any trouble communicating with these guys. They're pretty much wizards of the English language.

AU Strikes Back

After seeing what Docomo was up to, AU had to take drastic measures. They decided to have Kyary Pamyu Pamyu be a pink witch promoting some sort of lucky application.

A very strong move indeed. I don't know what it is, but pink stars always make me want to support a company.

Docomo D Video

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Docomo is a cell phone company and D Video is their product that allows you to watch TV programs and movies on your phone, computer, or television. I think it's pretty much Hulu Plus. Anyway, they've been making some pretty good commercials for it. The one above is titled "Dancing Girls Edition."

This next one isn't as good, but it barely makes sense and features another cool dancing girl.

The radical girl says she broke up with her boyfriend. The other girl asks why. She replies, "Boys are boring. Dancing is better than boys." What follows is not the hot lesbian dance scene I was hoping for, but I think I still learned a few dance moves, and it certainly made me want to purchase whatever it was that they were selling.

Always be Active

This is pretty much my new mantra. Basically, I'm going to try to eat everything, even it doesn't appear to be food. It's going to be a super interesting documentary.

BABYMETAL - Gimme Chocolate!!

When you think of death metal, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you answered, "My strong desire to eat chocolate," then you're probably a member of the hit band BABYMETAL.

A lot of people seem to think that the theme of eating chocolate doesn't fit with this genre very well, but she sings about many real world problems, like how she's recently been worried about her weight, but wait, chocolate is good, right? Wait! Of course, there are more carefree sections where she just sings about how good chocolate is.

The Paellas

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

I've decided that I waste a lot of time looking for Japanese indie bands, so I may as well make it a weekly article. I would guess the majority of The Times' six readers don't really care about this, but it will probably only last 3 or 4 weeks. First up... The Paellas. They're a four member band from Osaka. They say they have two original members (the bass player and the singer). I assume there were previous members, or else it was just some rad bass action. I could try to tell you more, but I think the  band put it best when they said, "we are indie LO-Fi guiter 'NITETIME SURF POP' band in Japan,Osaka! please checking our sound!!" 

I think that's everything you need to know. You probably don't even need to listen, but if you want to, here's a video they made for their song "Following." (The real music doesn't start until around 0:54).


This song was put out by Dead Funny Records. You can hear the whole album on bandcamp.

If you want to listen to another song, why not check out #9 "Fall Even Further" or #5 "Distance"?

Haagen-Dazs Rose Review

Japanese Food Review #78

Flower Flavor Ice Cream Week rages on here at The Times.  We all know how the sakura entrant faired. Now let's compare it to a rose ice cream.  The top of the ice cream was again covered in some red sugar sauce, but...

...unlike the sakura ice cream, there are not three layers of the sauce. This is obviously a huge no-no, and large deductions were made accordingly. The ice cream basically tasted like a weak strawberry flavor. There was a little rose smell, and Girlbot felt that it was like eating perfume.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  It wasn't actually that bad, but strawberry ice cream is much better, and I'm not even a huge fan of that.
Girlbot: 2  She particularly hated the red sauce (which I think was actually quite close to the sakura one that she liked).
Overall: 2.75

Conclusion: Sakura wins in a landslide!!!!

Outdated Laws

Of course Japan is home to many strange laws, but to me the weirdest has to be that dog owners are required to "go" (crap in their pants) after every time their dog does! I mean, maybe this made sense in the Edo period when both dogs and humans ate primarily rice? Now it just seems way too old fashioned.

Sexy Bunny

You know, American parents like to act like they're all "enlightened," but even today most parents will deny that they want their 3-year-old daughters to be sexy honey bunnies. Puritan idiots.

Haagen-Dazs Sakura Review

Japanese Food Review #77

Well, it is once again Flower Flavor Ice Cream Week here at The Times. This year there are only two entrants... and they are both from Haagen-Dazs! First up is their sakura, or cherry blossom, flavor. Japan has a lot of sakura flavored food this time of year, like Starbuck's sakura frappuccino. Mr. Dazs had a little trick up his or her sleeve for this one.

What?! Three layers of sakura! The ice cream was perhaps plain flavor. The sakura parts weren't ice cream. They were kind of syrupy. The combination actually sort of tasted like sakura mochi, but it wasn't salty at all.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4.5  It was cool that it didn't just taste like fake sakura flavor, but it was just okay.
Girlbot: 7   She says she would never purchase it again, but if there were another in the freezer, she would eat it.
Overall: 5.75

Will Haagen-Dazs be able to beat these strong marks? Check back later this week.

Sleeping Trouble?

I've been getting a lot of mail asking for advice on how to get to sleep (great questions everyone). Well, what I've been doing lately is watching the video below over and over. I find it helps if it's projected on the largest wall of your living space and the volume is turned up all the way.
That's right! It's the highlights of the 2013 Mr. Japan competition! I find that sleeping trouble often stems from thoughts about the pointlessness of existence! But watching this shows all that's good with the world. Plus, it's a healthy reminder that the 2014 competition is just around the corner. Maybe, just maybe, life is worth living! Sleep easy tonight, friends!

Explaining Fire Safety

Every parent knows it's nearly impossible to explain fire safety to children. Luckily, a Japanese artist has made the job simple for parents.

Listen kids, a fire detector, well, it's sort of like a white pig that's both cute and horrifying at the same time. It yells pi pi if it sees a fire. Then, of course, there's a magic cat that spots the fire with its lightbulb eyes. This makes the cat happy as it contemplates shooting the fire with some sort of  anti-fire spray can. And, you know, uh, red elephant that's supposed to be a fire extinguisher? Fire extinguisher's are a lot like tea kettles... in that... I think the point is that the elephant is wearing a dress so we know it's a girl. Only girls wear dresses, got that? No one will love you if you wear a dress, okay? Any questions about fire safety?