Lark Ice Mint

I'll tell you, it's nearly impossible to quit smoking with this beautiful man staring at you all over town. These cigarettes are like Camel Crush Cigarettes. There's a capsule in the filter that you crush which releases "natural mint."

Instant Boobs

If you're like me, you spend most of your time at parties answering questions like, "Why are you here?" and, "Why do you hold your face like that?" With Instant Boobs, those questions will surely change to, "Can I touch your boobs?" and, "What happened to you during your childhood?"

Just follow these three simple steps:
1) Stick them on.
2) Rub them with force and watch them grow!
3) Be the life of the party!!

Nuiguruma-Z

Shoko Nakagawa, known as Shokotan, is starring in her first action movie. It looks like one of those tried and true stories. You know, a girl and a living teddy bear team up to fight zombies and stuff, but there is one treat that you can't see anywhere else. You see those pink, fluffy nunchucks she's using to ward off zombies? Well Shokotan made those very nunchucks as a child! She was born for this role! Look for it in the spring of 2014.

Shower of Music

Space Shower TV has a new ad campaign. This isn't an exact translation, but the slogan is basically, "Don't just listen, feel the music." You know how music kind of sucks until a gorilla shoot small cylindrical tubes out of the TV at you, right? Well that kind of stuff always happens when you watch Space Shower TV. I've found that eating massive amounts of mescaline also helps.

Tough Guy

Oh no you didn't! Don't make me get off my ladies bicycle, place my flowers in the basket, and teach you how to properly hold that ukulele!

Shio Tomato Ame

Japanese Food Review #47

Shio tomato ame means "salted tomato candy." I know that when I'm chewing on my daily salted tomato, I often think, "Why isn't this harder?" and, "Is there a way to make this more unhealthy?" Magically, neither of those questions crossed my mind while I was eating this candy. They're kind of cool looking red balls with a little green on top, and they really do taste like salty tomatoes.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3 They're not as horrible as I was expecting, but I can't imagine eating them over a tomato.
Girlbot: -1 This is unprecedented (and, as far as I'm concerned, against the rules). She says it's horrible and that she doesn't really like tomatoes in the first place (although recently she has started to like them). This, however, has a strange sweetness she hates.
Overall: 1

Pinpoint Fix

In this commercial, Aderans is offering Pinpoint Fix. It's some system that causes more hairs to grow out of a single spot on your head. It kind of looks like they just give you a really good comb over. Aderans knows that bald men love commercials that make hair loss seem like a joke, so their sales are sure to sky rocket. Also, none of the men look attractive by the end of the commercial.

S.E.D.

This is one of those huge time savers like how I used to have to say and type out "Laugh out loud" constantly. Don't make the mistake I have made several times, though. "OMG, I could go for an STD today!" "What?" "Oh, come on guyz. You know what I mean."

High Quality

If you're looking to get a sign made, I really recommend this place. Sure, they're not very good at spelling or putting spaces between words, but other than that... Like, they usually choose a pretty good font and stuff.

Juice=Juice

Juice=Juice (the = is silent) is the latest girl group presented by Hello! Project, the people who brought you Morning Musume (basically the group AKB48 is based off of). Juice=Juice is a great name for a band. It's like, you never really think about it, but it's so true. According to their site, the name was chosen because they're "freshly gathered," "freshly picked," "natural," and "100%." It seems perfectly natural for a group of old men to form a band of junior high girls and refer to them as "freshly picked," and then to make their first single, "Hug me before I ask you to." The oldest member is 19, and two of the members are only 14. One of the 14 year old girls is that amazing dancer with the dweeb shirt (if you don't get that shirt, then you're just too old, grandpa). Like other groups in Japan and Power Rangers, all the girls are assigned a color (look at their socks). But what's really new and hip is that the colors correspond with fruits this time! So you can say things like, "She has great dance moves, plus, I'm super into grapes, so she's my favorite."

Rice Force - Queen of Mask

They try to play this off as some sort of beauty product, but I think we all know that Rice Force is the female Asian equivalent of the KKK.

Black Toothpaste

Sumigaki is a toothpaste that uses charcoal as an ingredient to fight bad breath. There's enough charcoal to make the toothpaste black, but they claim that it whitens your teeth. Sumi means charcoal and migaki means brush, so we have another witty product name here. In the rest of the world, you might have trouble brushing your teeth with horse hair and charcoal, but not in Japan.

Cheese Curry Pringles

Japanese Food Review #46

 This flavor is only available for a limited time, so get it while you can. They're pretty tasty. The cheese flavor is very faint, but it is there. I also made a couple interesting discoveries. Apparently, you can put two Pringles in your mouth and you look just like a duck! You can say, "Quack, quack," and do other duck related things. All your friends will laugh and scream and start playing the Pringles can like a bongo. Then, in my experience, you'll wake up in the bath tub and all the water will have turned "Pringles curry color."

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7  A solid flavor of Pringles.
Girlbot: 5  She said they were very good, but she couldn't taste the cheese, so they get penalized.
Overall: 6

Roof Battle

Yesterday, the police attempted to arrest Shinsaku Matsumoto (34) in Inazawa, Aichi under suspicion of stealing a car. He wouldn't open the door to his apartment, so the police ended up breaking in. He grabbed a knife and the 30-year-old woman he was living with and fled to the roof of the two-story apartment. Then he just sort of hung out for six and half hours. Finally, at around 8:30, the police did whatever the hell they're doing in this video. Notice the long pole with a U-shape on the end of it. You often see those hanging on the wall of a teacher's office in schools. They seem like the most poorly designed weapon ever.

Mind Your Manners 2

Just a friendly reminder for anyone trying to figure out how to "accidentally" burn a child's face.

Aliens Attempt to Mate with Our Women

A couple male aliens have been seen "hitting" on an Earth woman. The aliens possess the powers of changing outfits slightly and shooting cute lightning out of there eyes. Luckily, alien Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is pretending to be a sexy lady so she can shrink the males of her species. (Kind of like when that hooker turned out to be a police officer. Remember dad?) Of course all this makes me think only one thing: Where can I get a pair of those cropped pants!

First Birthday

Happy birthday Jesus! I mean Gaybot Times.

The Gaybot Times is celebrating it's first birthday today. It's a really special day. Basically I've started drinking earlier than normal in an attempt to cry less (it's not working). Otherwise, it's like most other days. I thought we'd take a look at how you, the readers, have discovered the wealth of knowledge that is The Gaybot Times. Here are my favorite google searches people have done that resulted in finding this site.

Honorable Mentions:
*cool ranch dorito taco: This was actually searched for at least 5 times, though I've never written about it.
*kyary pamyu pamyu is gay: This, again, was searched for several times. I'm not sure if it's lesbians hoping she is gay, others just wondering, or people looking for bad reviews of Kyary.
*"handsome man" train: I'll be honest, I can't remember everything I search for, and this could very well have been me.

The Top 5:
5. christmas sex: This was searched for more than anything else on the list. It's good to know that several people with some sort of a Santa fetish visited the site.
4. squirrels with bow ties: This is one of the few things that I actually wrote about. Apparently me and at least five other people in the world are super into this new style.
3. penis shaped trees: Hey, what else are you going to do on a Tuesday morning other that search for dick trees?
2. Japan gay dance evolution: I know very little about this subject, but it sounds fascinating!
1. how to make invader sex machine: I'd like to apologize to this reader for not being of any help, but I'd like to thank you for teaching me that the invader sex machine exists!

Mr. Japan

Did you know that there is such a thing as a Mr. Japan contest? It's not like Mr. Universe where men compete to see who is the best at taking steroids and fake tanning. This is more like a Ms. America style beauty pageant, except it's men wearing swimsuits, posing, and just being fabulous in general. This video is of a rehearsal for a dance they did during the competition. There's a very good chance you don't enjoy this as much as me, but just keep in mind these guys are trying to look as cool as they possibly can. At the very least you're going to learn some cool new dance moves.

Domino's Milky Pizza

 

Your days of dipping pizza into milk may have finally come to an end thanks to Milky Pizza from Domino's. Mille-feuille is a Napoleon (the pastry), but this pizza actually has very little to do with either milk or the delicious sweet. It just has an extra layer of cheese that is creamy like rotten milk. They did come up with a catchy slogan. "A taste you've definitely never tasted before, probably." I asked Girlbot if using "definitely" and "probably" together is some sort of joke I don't understand. She said, "No, it's very Japanese," and was unable to explain why you would ever choose to use both words.

Dororich

Do you like sex with cheerleaders? Then you'd for sure be into this coffee jelly and whipped cream drink..., or something.

Fried Chicken Doritos

Japanese Food Review #45

 It's well known that Pepsi and Frito Lay teamed up to make Cheeseburger Cheetos, but did you know they also produced Fried Chicken Doritos? They didn't really taste like fried chicken, but maybe dipping them in Pepsi would have helped.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5.5:  They're not bad, but they're closer to boring than good.
Girlbot 4:  They weren't as good as she was expecting.
Overall: 4.75

Slot Pachinko

 

How do you get customers to flock to your establishment to play pachinko and slot machines? Why not explain in a foreign language that it's the most popular amusement in their country? And I'm sure people are dying to know why you expanded your Slot area.

 

Eggs-pert Creates Eggs-cellent Eggs

I think we've all been there. You bite into an egg only to realize that the texture is almost nothing like pudding. You vomit in your mouth and try to take a mental note of the eggs-perience. Well, making eggs has finally become incredibly complicated. Fuwatoro eggs are spun at a high speed, checked with a light to see if they've been adequately spun, and cooked at a fixed temperature so the egg comes out looking like pudding. Life just might be worth living.

Why Aren't There More Babies in Japan?

Why hasn't this man fathered a child?

My Navi News reported on the dating habits of young Japanese hoping to shed light on the reasons for Japan's low birthrate. 3616 people ages 20-49 were interviewed. There were a few interesting findings.

1. Over 30% of unmarried men in their 30s had never dated a single woman, while this was only true for 15% a women in the same category. While this number seems high for men, the question doesn't ask if they've dated members of their own sex. Also, this is a guess, but many men seem to deny that they are dating the woman they are with.

2. When married people were asked, "Why did you decide to get married?" the number one answer for both sexes was, "Because I liked and wanted to be with my partner." What's surprising is that this answer only accounted for about 50% of responses. 10% of marriages occurred because of pregnancies, and close to 10% were because of age.

3. When unmarried women were asked, "What's the lowest yearly salary a man has to make before you'd consider marrying him?" over 30% said, "5,000,000 yen." That's over $50,000 a year. The article pointed out that the average young salary man (who are supposed to make more money than most people) makes less than this. Salary men in their early 20s make only 2,620,000 yen a year, and even salary men in their upper 30s make only 4,980,000 yen a year on average. So basically, most women in their 20s and 30s should be looking for a sexy, single 50-year-old.

Tips for the Frugal Traveler #2

For me, every vacation I go on starts out well enough, but by day two or three I can't shake the thought, "Man, I'd really like to read about sports. That, or page through an erotic magazine. I don't have enough money for both! What am I going to do!" In Japan, the answer is simple: buy a sports newspaper.

A sports newspaper is a thin paper that almost only has sport stories. It's a great idea, but I guess some people were a little bored by the lack of variety, so now, almost all sports papers have a one or two page erotic section.

This is just a corner of the page. I can't show the rest because there's actual bare breasts and stuff. Many of the articles are similar to letters to Penthouse, except there are usually pictures to go along with them, which gives them way more of a "news" feel. Also, you might think you'll now have to read the sports in private, but don't worry. I've seen old men reading only the porn sections on crowded trains, so feel free to learn about "the news."

New Way Discovered To Learn Underwear Color

Possible outfit of caller.

Yomiuri Shimbun reported that a man called women and asked about their underwear yesterday. Around 12:10 pm, a 46-year-old housewife received a call from an unknown number. The man calling said, "An underwear thief has been apprehended and I'd like to ask you a few questions." He went on to ask about the color and brand of her underwear. An hour and ten minutes later, a 25-year-old woman received a similar call. The article did not say whether or not the man was impersonating a police officer and failed to give a detailed account of the underwear. Also, just to point out, this story was written about in a national newspaper. I'm pretty sure if were still in junior high, I would immediately find a public phone and start calling women about their underwear and then buy all the newspapers the next day.

The Stylish Invader in America

Everyone is worried about some fat, prepubescent Korean nuking us, but meanwhile our shores are already under attack by Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. All are fat cops are turning into stylish lady Spocks.

Cute Baseball

Nikumaki Onigiri

Japanese Food Review #44

 Nikumaki means wrapped in meat, and onigiri is a rice ball, so this is just rice wrapped in meat and covered in tare sauce. The meat is pork, so it's pretty close to eating bacon and rice together. You can find this snack at festivals and big rest stops on the sides of highways. This particular stand was up for hanami (flower viewing).

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7  It was good, but wasn't worth the 400 yen it cost.
Girlbot: 8  She would normally give Nikumaki Onigiri a 9, but I guess the rice was too dry (looks very moist in the photo) and the meat was too oily.
Overall: 7.5 

Golden Bomber and Mister Donut Do It Again

I've written about the Doughnut Exercise before, but this time Golden Bomber shows us how it's truly done. Obviously this song is mostly aimed at children, but I think it is also supposed to trick parents into thinking Mister Donut can be good for your kids.

Love Robot

This video was made by an, a Japanese website used for finding part-time jobs. They made a pretty good Kyary Pamyu Pamyu commercial in the past. For some reason they made a video about a dream service: sending a love robot that helps you find a part-time job and works with you. I don't think you really need to watch this, but they actually went through the trouble of making English subtitles even though their website is only in Japanese. Imagine pitching this idea:
"I was thinking if we made a video with a love robot, it would really help our company for some reason."
"I agree with you up to a point, but don't you think that's a little too heavy of a subject matter?"
"Oh yeah, that's why I thought it would be great comic relief if every time the guy tries to touch his love-bot, he gets shocked."
"Oh my god that's hilarious! Take as much yen as you need!"

Tits

I think everyone knows that I'm super into French culture, like cafes, and tits, and stuff.

Buddhist Priest Kills Mother

Is this demon up to his old tricks?

FNN News reported that Hiroyuki Hatakeyama fatally stabbed his mother in Fukuoka on Saturday. I know what you're thinking, "I liked this story better when it was called Oedipus Rex and the mom killed herself after sleeping with her son. Also, bloody eyes and stuff." I couldn't agree with you more, but there are a few details that make this story slightly interesting. For one, the son was the head priest of a Buddhist temple. Granted, this probably just means that his family owned the temple and he was forced to be a priest (he killed her in their home on the temple grounds), but I thought most priests weren't into murder. Second, the man is 61 and the mother was 85. I guess this means the old adage, "A son over forty never stabs his mother in the gut," just isn't true. Lastly, the only quote I've seen from the man is, "My mother was always nagging me, so I stabbed her in the stomach with the intention of murdering her." It will be interesting to see how the court rules in this case. It sounds like the mother really had it coming.