Buddhism

A giant, happy demon standing at the entrance of a temple and showing off a sexy outfit.

Cheers to Your Rebirth

I was hoping I had finally found a bunch of born again Christians to hang out with, but it turns out this is just an ad for a plastic surgery clinic. I think the slogan, "Cheers to your new boobs," works slightly better, but what do I know.

Jonte' Moaning or Gaybot Jr. Part 2

Round one of this quiz went really well, but no one was able to come up with the correct answer. I think I've made it slightly easier this time. The rules remain the same: which video was made by Jonte' Moaning and which one by my little brother? Good luck.

Lcohol

I've found that the Japanese love a good play on words that makes no sense almost as much as they love store names that are impossible to pronounce. They also get a kick out of practical jokes. They know that you can't "Enjoy even without a alcohol." That's why one of the specials at this restaurant is the 2 hour all you can drink alcohol course (I recommend the straight whiskey and yelling at the other customers).

Boat Race

Horse racing is quite popular in Japan, but if you get tired of that, you can watch and gamble on boat races. I would assume that pretty much every race is fixed. It's kind of difficult to describe the thrill of witnessing your first boat race, but I'd say it's kind of like if a woman was cloned six times, dressed up in six different colored cat outfits, started hovering on the water, and, in unison, asked you what color you liked.

Japanese Food Review #35: 7 Spice Doritos

Doritos has matched the flavor of juicy meat with seven spices: garlic, paprika, onion, oregano, black pepper, cumin, and red pepper. It could easily be called fajita flavor or taco flavor. It's much better than normal taco flavor Doritos. I thought they were delicious, but real corn chips are nearly non-existent in Japan (or incredibly expensive), so I'm sure I might be overrating these. It's a small bag, but at 78 yen, it's quite a steal.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 8   They've become my go to corn chips while supplies last.
Girlbot: 7   She would like to eat them again.
Overall: 7.5

All Charge

One difficult thing about marketing energy drinks is trying to convince people that they need a drug stronger than coffee to make it through the day. Well, the folks at Morinaga bring to life a situation that we all can relate to. Say you're at work playing a Godzilla type character when the director walks up to you and says you're going to fight the heroes today. "Same old, same old," you think, right? But on this day you happen to be dead wrong, because the number of heroes in this film is much more than one dinosaur could be expected to fight. It's in this type of situation that you might want to use this product.

By the way, did you know that Godzilla is pronounced gojira in Japanese and is the combination of the words gorilla and whale (kujira)? I was super disappointed the first time I found that out.

No Tire No Life

Finally there's a place where all my tire enthusiast friends and I can get together and reminisce about all our old tire stories, like the time I bought or fixed that one tire. I know a lot of tire enthusiasts have the reputation of being homophobic, but we decided to color the 'T' pink just to show that we're more than cool with the gay lifestyle. Just our way of trying to make a difference in this crazy world.

Tips for the Frugal Traveler #1

McDonald's in Japan are offering a great deal on Big Macs and Mega Macs. If it takes more than 60 seconds to hand you a Big Mac from the time you finish paying, you get a free coupon for next time. One helpful tip is just to start screaming English at the employees. I find, "Wait, does this shit come with mustard! Seriously, somebody better tell me the mustard situation now!" works well. Also, dropping dropping your change behind the counter helps. If all else fails, go for the tried and true fake heart attack (as if I even needed to tell you).

Winning Brew

If you're anything like me, you've come down with a horrible case of World Baseball Classic Fever or H.E.R.P.E.S. for short. (Acronyms have never been my strong suit.) Anyway, Asahi has produced the perfect remedy: Winning Brew. It's not actually beer. It's a beer flavored drink called happoshu. The tax on malted beverages is incredibly high in Japan, so breweries produce these cheaper beverages that use less than 25% malt. An added bonus is that it tastes horrible and gives you a horrible hangover. It makes me wonder if Coors Light wouldn't be considered beer in Japan. The can is also made to look like a baseball, making it roughly three times fun as normal beers to throw at people's heads. The WBC is actually a pretty big deal in Japan.

Bruce-Pee

A: So what are you thinking of naming your new clothing store?
B: I've thinking a lot about that. You know how I love Bruce Lee, right?
A: How could I forget.
B: So I want to work that in, but, also, I've been going through this phase recently where I think urine is just hilarious.
A: Welcome to your 40s bro.
B: I think the rest writes itself.
A: ...Wait...Oh my God, that's brilliant!

Happy Everything

I think sometimes people get a little depressed this time of year. I find one look at this reminds me of how great life can be and puts a smile on my face. Enjoy!

Japanese Food Review #34: Cheesecake Ice Cream Mochi

 The standard mochi ice cream is called Yukimi Daifuku. It's usually about 100 yen for two pieces. It's excellent and you should try it if you haven't. This is one of their limited edition flavors. The ice cream and mochi apparently have some cream cheese in them and a triple berry sauce is in the middle. It tastes surprisingly like cheese cake.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 8  I wouldn't want it all the time, but if it would came out once a year, I would definitely buy it.
Girlbot: 10  This was her initial rating. I've bought it twice this month. I found it at another store and asked her if she wanted me to buy it, but she's already sick of it, so...
Overall: 9

Obama to Sell Car to Japan

I wonder if anybody is fooled by this impersonation. It does seem like something a communist would do, though.

Flair Fragrance

One thing I've noticed about attractive women is that they hate how strange men never seem to lean in and smell them on the train or at the gym. Well that problem is a thing of the past thanks to Kao. They've invented a fragrance that is activated when it comes into contact with moisture like your sweat. So no matter what you're doing, whether it's working in the kitchen or participating in a wet t-shirt contest, men will still attempt to smell you.

caRess

Guys, be honest. This happens to you all the time, right? After a long day of work you think, "Man, I could really go for a snack. And you know what? I worked my tail off today. I've definitely earned the luxury of consuming a scrumptious snack." Next thing you know you're enjoying your snack when it hits you, "Huh, wouldn't you know it but I think I could go for being caressed by a sex slave...Also, men's Onepiece?" Anyway, this place is perfect for us guys.

Hachiko

This is the famous Hachiko statue outside Shibuya Station. When I was taking these pictures I heard a Japanese woman explain why it's here to an American.
Woman: He's Hachi.
Man: Ok.
Woman: Ahh...He's good dog.
Man: .....Ok.
Then they walked away to continue their magical date.

Hachiko is here because he used to meet his owner at the station everyday after work. Then, in 1925, the owner died and never came home. I guess no one explained this very well to Hachiko, because he waited for his owner everyday for nine years until his death. It seems crazy that dogs were allowed to run around Tokyo by themselves. Even today, Hachiko is celebrated for being so loyal. This statue was made, and his body was stuffed and put in The National Museum of Nature and Science. That's pretty weird.

Golden Bomber

This song actually came out several years ago, but it became a big hit in 2012 and is still in the top ten. It's called 女々しくて　(memeshikute) meaning effeminate (which is sung over and over in the chorus). The video starts with a man apologizing to a woman and saying how difficult the break-up is for him. She says, "Don't touch me. What are you a woman?" The band writes their own music, but they don't/can't play instruments. I think it's supposed to be funny that they're fake playing here. They actually seem to be pretty funny in there interviews.

Flipping the Bird

It kind of warms the heart knowing that people all over the globe love middle fingers.

Japanese Children to Drink Bubbles from Toilet

 I got this on sale for 100 yen. Still a waste of money. It comes in four colors and two flavors of candy (cola and cider) are included. Neither of them taste particularly like candy or anything really.

Japanese Food Review #33: Boss Coffee Candy

Unless you've been living under a rock, you're well aware that the 20th anniversary of Boss Coffee has come and gone. They made this special bag of assorted coffee candies to commemorate the momentous occasion. You don't often see bags of candy that are made to look like a coffee vending machine. There are four mouth watering flavors: blended, slightly sweetened, black, and cafe ole. The cafe ole wasn't horrible, but black tasted like someone licked a stale coffee bean and rolled it in some sweet and low. That, only more chemically.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 2
Girlbot: 1
Overall: 1.5

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu--Furisodeshon

This song is about how Kyary is turning 20 at the end of the month. In Japan you become an adult on your 20th birthday. You can drink, smoke, vote, etc. I think this video shows all the great things you can do on when you become adult like drink fake wine, talk to cigar-smoking, rich monsters, dance with large candy canes, eat cake, and stab giant apples with a fork (if you know what I mean).

By the way, a furisode is a type of formal kimono women often wear on Coming of Age Day (when they're 20). It is often red and white (not always) and has long pieces of cloth that hang from the sleeves. I don't know what the shon part means. Might be the end of celebration, or it could be from desho (meaning "right?").

Your Doughnut!

It's handmade in a factory to give it that taste of home/coal.

New Raw Donut!

Hard to tell if this commercial's goal is to make you want to try this donut or to make you vomit in your mouth. This woman is actually pretty famous. Her name is Matsuko Deluxe, and I'm sure you'll shocked to learn that she used to be a man.

Dr. Jinushi

Two amazing riddles:
1) Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
2) Which came first, the Dr. Jinushi or the Where's Waldo?

Answers:
The egg and the Where's Waldo. What are you an idiot?

Japanese Food Review #32: Happiness Chips

Calbee makes a line of chips called "Shiawase" (meaning happiness) chips. Today I'll review two limited edition flavors. First up, Happiness Butter:

Many people assume that butter alone can create happiness, but in fact it takes the harmony of four flavors coming together to create true joy. In this case we have butter, honey, parsley, and sour cream. Sounds like a horrible idea, right?

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5   It wasn't horrible, but it was too sweet and didn't even really taste like honey. I don't understand why butter is a standard flavor in Japan.
Girlbot: 5  She wouldn't buy them again.
Overall: 4.25

Next we have Happiness Cheese:

It seems that one of the key components to happiness is honey, because it is the only ingredient found in both chips. The other three flavors are all cheese this time: gorgonzola, mozzarella, and parmesan. The honey flavor was stronger and more distinct this go around, while the cheese was just cheese as far as I could tell.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7  Surprisingly good.
Girlbot: 7  She would like to eat them again. (This seems to be her standard comment now. Kind of a cool catchphrase I guess.)
Overall: 7

Happiness Cheese, you win this round.

Baby Face Planet's

What don't you get about my new business idea, Dad? It's a restaurant which is in the possession of a planet named for the baby face which it resembles. It's not rocket science. Also, black, green, orange, red..., giant birds..., vegetation..., umm, food. I mean, come on!

High Class Toothbrush

This toothbrush is described as high class, and at first I thought, "Yeah, brown is sort of classy, I guess," but when I took a closer look I realized it is made of real goat and horse hair. Now I know the secret behind why all the elderly Japanese have such beautiful smiles (this and the absence of fluoride).

Fuchiko

I got this in a vending machine at the bowling alley.

Her name is Fuchiko. Fuchi means edge and Ko means child (it's often used at the end of women's names). You can see her underwear, so every time I have a cup of coffee, I'm incredibly aroused (nothing new there I suppose).

I can't believe I only bought one. There are six normal types, plus one secret type. I'm guessing she's in a swimsuit or something.

Looks like I have to collect them all. My life has meaning again.

Killer Mochi

People eat mochi all year round, but it's a special treat during the New Year's Week. Every year, several people die from choking on it. They're almost always children or elderly people. Yesterday in Tokyo alone, seven people went to the hospital (one man died) because of mochi. Anyway, please remember to chew your mochi.


I think it's embarrassing enough dying from a holiday treat, but now it's become national news.

Ultraman Assists Mochi Makers

Ultraman came to the mall today to make mochi. I thought he was actually going to make it, but apparently he can't see what he's doing, so he just did some punches in the air to sound effects, and two other dudes made the mochi. You could get your picture with him after they finished, but I seemed to be the only person over they age of eight without a child there, so I opted out.

Too Many Rules and Regulations

No smoking I can understand, but no cartoon bombs from the 1920s?