If you listen to Pavement or have replaced your human genitalia with animal genitalia, this is the shop for you.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Alternative Human Shop
If you listen to Pavement or have replaced your human genitalia with animal genitalia, this is the shop for you.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Deep Fried Construction Company
And here's the paper showing all the possible toys. The secret fried construction equipment looks like a tank? So much fun!
Thursday, July 23, 2015
HQ Change
The Times staff would like to apologize for the lack of articles recently. We are in the midst of relocating our headquarters and should be back breaking news stories sometime next week.
Friday, July 17, 2015
JA Bank Summer Edition
I've written about JA Bank's squirrel commercials before. They're usually about opening a savings account in the winter. I think it has something to do with the high number of squirrel deaths in the winter or something. Anyway, they've decided it's probably okay to open a savings account in the summer and made a new hot jam.
One of my favorite summer activities is playing volleyball with a beach ball and having flames shoot out of my left eye before spiking the ball. The lyrics are basically:
Because it's summer summer summer summer, let's save.
JA!
(repeat 3 times)
Summer savings!
Sa-sa-sa-savings!
Or something like that.
They also made a bunch of other weird stuff.
The lady says she's saving money for her dream. The squirrels are both in love with her, and a physical confrontation ensues. Then she buys fireworks and everyone is super happy because the only thing better than sex with the woman you love, is fireworks with the guy who wants to have sex with the woman you love. The will he won't he shoot fire in my eye tension is to die for. So... please open a savings account?
One of my favorite summer activities is playing volleyball with a beach ball and having flames shoot out of my left eye before spiking the ball. The lyrics are basically:
Because it's summer summer summer summer, let's save.
JA!
(repeat 3 times)
Summer savings!
Sa-sa-sa-savings!
Or something like that.
They also made a bunch of other weird stuff.
The lady says she's saving money for her dream. The squirrels are both in love with her, and a physical confrontation ensues. Then she buys fireworks and everyone is super happy because the only thing better than sex with the woman you love, is fireworks with the guy who wants to have sex with the woman you love. The will he won't he shoot fire in my eye tension is to die for. So... please open a savings account?
Monday, July 13, 2015
C-SPAN
I'm sure you all know that I'm one of the biggest C-SPAN fans this side of Mt. Fuji. That's why I was so excited to see that they've come to their senses and finally opened clothing store in Japan. It was pretty radical. I will say they might want to hire some new clerks. Everyone just acted confused/scared when I started screaming, "Where are the Lindsey Graham socks?! Or which ones do you think he would like to receive for a gift?!" They eventually showed me some socks, but they wouldn't match Lindsey's eyes at all.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
How to Wash Human Hands
Since I brought up washing your hands two months ago, it seems like a perfect time to continue discussing the subject.
You see signs explaining how to wash your hands all over Japan. Especially during flu season, you almost can't avoid them (and the signs will also tell you to gargle). I don't know, I thought explaining how to wash your hands was not really a thing that had to be done. I used to be in charge of making sure some kindergarteners washed their hands before lunch. My instructions were as follows:
1. Wash your hands.
That was usually enough, but for some kids I might have to add:
2. (Dude,) all over.
I think I've got all the steps down, right? WRONG!!! It's a six step process, you idiots! Granted, six steps is probably too many to remember, but what if, instead of steps, you remember some weird poses related to a turtle and a wolf? That can't be too hard.
1. Pray pose. Okay, this has nothing to do with a turtle or a wolf, so it's likely the one you'll forget the most.
2. Turtle pose. You know how turtles are known for riding on top of each other and how that's not impossible? Do that, but with your hands!
3. Mountain pose. Again, no animals, but just remember how you or someone you know likes mountains.
4. Wolf pose. Stupid wolves, always dancing like Frankenstein and scratching their paws. Be like them.
5. Bike pose. What?!! A turtle on a bike?! This I will not soon forget!
6. Caught pose. Remember the old saying, "Turtle catches wolf. Don't even think about touching my wife. I'm a real mother-f@*king turtle, mother-f@*ker!"
There you have it! Your hands will always remain clean if you can somehow remember steps 1 and 3. Probably won't happen. Oh well, just be like a large majority of men in Japan and simply don't wash your hands.
You see signs explaining how to wash your hands all over Japan. Especially during flu season, you almost can't avoid them (and the signs will also tell you to gargle). I don't know, I thought explaining how to wash your hands was not really a thing that had to be done. I used to be in charge of making sure some kindergarteners washed their hands before lunch. My instructions were as follows:
1. Wash your hands.
That was usually enough, but for some kids I might have to add:
2. (Dude,) all over.
I think I've got all the steps down, right? WRONG!!! It's a six step process, you idiots! Granted, six steps is probably too many to remember, but what if, instead of steps, you remember some weird poses related to a turtle and a wolf? That can't be too hard.
1. Pray pose. Okay, this has nothing to do with a turtle or a wolf, so it's likely the one you'll forget the most.
2. Turtle pose. You know how turtles are known for riding on top of each other and how that's not impossible? Do that, but with your hands!
3. Mountain pose. Again, no animals, but just remember how you or someone you know likes mountains.
4. Wolf pose. Stupid wolves, always dancing like Frankenstein and scratching their paws. Be like them.
5. Bike pose. What?!! A turtle on a bike?! This I will not soon forget!
6. Caught pose. Remember the old saying, "Turtle catches wolf. Don't even think about touching my wife. I'm a real mother-f@*king turtle, mother-f@*ker!"
There you have it! Your hands will always remain clean if you can somehow remember steps 1 and 3. Probably won't happen. Oh well, just be like a large majority of men in Japan and simply don't wash your hands.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Zero Gravity Chair!!!!
It's finally here! The future is now! I can't believe it's happened in my lifetime! The zero gravity chair!
I guess some people might call it by another name, like maybe "shitty lawn chair", but I think this Japanese company knows that they have changed our reality. No more sitting on cushioned furniture for us.
I guess some people might call it by another name, like maybe "shitty lawn chair", but I think this Japanese company knows that they have changed our reality. No more sitting on cushioned furniture for us.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Curry Art
You've got to admit, spending all your time reading about and practicing latte art does get a little boring at times. That's why it's time to invest countless hours of your short life into making curry look strange. Let's take a look at some photos shared on Twitter.
One popular style is to make "curry panda". I think it might be considered a fun play on words. Curry pan (curry bread) is very popular, and "da" can mean "is" ....so that's something.
Also, making it appear that something is taking a bath seems to be a common theme. The bathing thing is often a bear (like in real life), but humans and other animals bathe, as well.
Ha ha ha! So fun!
A lot of people complain about the difficulty of obtaining penguin meat. Well, why not just imagine that you're eating penguins?
This lady says her kids hate carrots, so she decided to torture them. It is kind of a good parenting tip: If your children don't like a certain food, have them imagine that the food is a small, human-like creature. Then, force them to eat it and laugh at them when they cry.
This is supposed to be a sheep.
There you have it. Please enjoy your new hobby.
One popular style is to make "curry panda". I think it might be considered a fun play on words. Curry pan (curry bread) is very popular, and "da" can mean "is" ....so that's something.
こんどカレーパンダ作ってみよー 決定ー🎉 この前作ったコーギーオムライスより簡単そうやな笑 pic.twitter.com/hE6xs9iE39— KEITA (@k__ozaki) April 22, 2015カレーパンダ pic.twitter.com/ltXRltHA2I— くりこ✩ユゲリスト (@PanPanPandaex) April 7, 2015納豆カレーパンダ🍛🐼 pic.twitter.com/GmiBUvsfzZ— 澁谷 京香 (@KYOKA_0342) January 14, 2015Also, making it appear that something is taking a bath seems to be a common theme. The bathing thing is often a bear (like in real life), but humans and other animals bathe, as well.
俊太のお姉さんがすごくかわいいカレーライス作ってくれました☆ pic.twitter.com/VZO4lBv80n— hana (@hana08225587) February 7, 2014かわいい^^ RT "@yankumi72: 1月22日『カレーライスの日』 今日のランチか夕食に カレーは如何ですか^ ^♡ みんなと一緒にカレーです♪笑 みんなが今日も笑顔で 幸せ♡いっぱい感じる 一日になりますように…＊ pic.twitter.com/bHKoAutGmT"— macky (@mjshy125) January 22, 2014これすごかわいい RT @marikoushikubo: こんな可愛いカレーライスは食べられませんね！クマがカレー風呂でマッタリしてますよ！ pic.twitter.com/D82O6z4g— Ped'or (@maitre_pedor) April 26, 2012飲食業の知り合いの写真に癒されたぁ～～(*^∀^*)੭.°カレーライスのお風呂かな？笑 かわいい～！ pic.twitter.com/qukpr9Wf— .*☆YUMI☆*. (@yun_1029) August 22, 2012⭐️きまぐれkitchenよりお知らせ⭐️ 新メニューのお知らせ ニャンとも可愛い猫カレーライスが登場しました‼️ 土日、各１０食限定 ミニサラダ付き ８５０円 明日から登場します‼️ pic.twitter.com/P6XueYfu2y— 牛乳猫 (@milkcat0612) January 23, 2015Ha ha ha! So fun!
A lot of people complain about the difficulty of obtaining penguin meat. Well, why not just imagine that you're eating penguins?
@momoka_fairies ももかー♡ ペンギンのカレーライスだって！ 食べたい？ pic.twitter.com/WCB90ko3hk— nanaco (@fairiesnanaco) September 30, 2014今日のお昼はペンギンカレー！ ペンギンおにぎりを作るのが難しかったです。 pic.twitter.com/poezCuHxRN— 奈乃 (@nano_kc) March 15, 2015This lady says her kids hate carrots, so she decided to torture them. It is kind of a good parenting tip: If your children don't like a certain food, have them imagine that the food is a small, human-like creature. Then, force them to eat it and laugh at them when they cry.
子供のニンジン嫌いが悪化するカレーライス pic.twitter.com/XAld3LE6Rg— ニライカナイφ★ (@niraikanai07) June 3, 2015This is supposed to be a sheep.
"@kingjim: グループ会社で取扱い中のデコ弁グッズ、ペンギンのカレー温泉弁当も作れます。ﾎｶｧ… http://t.co/8yb1uNaDWp pic.twitter.com/9fbNRWQo52" こんなの出されたら食べられないｼﾞｬﾏｲｶ……(汗)— NANASHI (@SyKagura) March 10, 2015仕事の打ち合わせで 高円寺にある『ぽたかふぇ。』というとこに行ってきました サインを描かせていただきました！ カレーが可愛くて美味しかったです(^^) よかったら是非〜☆ @pottercafe pic.twitter.com/Iqge0VYTco— ほのぼのイラスト. (@ueicbl2wavk7) June 25, 2015There you have it. Please enjoy your new hobby.
English Mouth
You know, we do a lot of "joshing" around here at the Times. We give a lot of well meaning humans/companies quite the ribbing, and, we've got to admit, we get a kick out of it. But sometimes people get it so right that you just have to just stand back and try to hold back the tears. I've got to give "mad" props where mad "props" are due. The makers of this know what the people want out of a language school and communicate exactly what is going to happen.
And I think it was so heroic of them to choose a girl who seems to be hearing impaired to do the English speaking.
And I think it was so heroic of them to choose a girl who seems to be hearing impaired to do the English speaking.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Unagi Cola
うなぎエキス入り！ 静岡発の「うなぎコーラ」が21日に発売 http://t.co/keyQnRODRB #うなぎコーラ #うなぎ #静岡 #グルメ #ニュース pic.twitter.com/kIJ7pwVJKb
— RBB TODAY (@RBBTODAY) July 3, 2015
Kimura Drink will debut their new beverage Unagi Cola on July 21. Unagi means eel, so it's sort of a match made in heaven. No more chewing up eel and spitting into cola for me. The product will be sold in Shizuoka, a prefecture famous for its eel, in gift shops along the highway and such. It can also be ordered on Kimura Drink's website. The 240ml bottles will cost ¥200. If you order from the website, you'll be forced to order a case of 20 bottles for ¥4000.
The company actually designed an eel cola prototype 3 years ago, but the head of the company and others were very against selling the product because it wreaked of fish. We can thank some tenacious staff members who worked tirelessly to find the perfect amount of real eel extract to combine with cola that made it "easy to drink."
There are special days in Japan when people are supposed to eat eel. Recently, because people eat too much eel, the price has skyrocketed. Kimura Drink suggests drinking instead of eating eel for the event. I mean, baby birds essentially drink regurgitated fish and worms. Why not humans, too?
The company has made other "gift shop drinks" as well, like their green tea cider. They say in the future they would like to make new drinks for different regions. They're considering some sort of shrimp drink, for example. These truly are the end times.
Source: RBB Today
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Andy Warhol Mints
You can finally get mints that come in Andy Warhol cans. There are three flavors, mint, grape, and cola (everyone's favorite flavor for a mint). I got the grape one. The outside packaging looks like this.
There are 30 different "art cans" to collect! And the mints are very sour and don't really seem to make your breathe smell good! I gotta get all these cans!
My can:
Blah.
Here are the other cans I could've gotten:
Everyday is a roller coaster!
There are 30 different "art cans" to collect! And the mints are very sour and don't really seem to make your breathe smell good! I gotta get all these cans!
My can:
Blah.
Here are the other cans I could've gotten:
UHA味覚糖×アンディ・ウォーホル アートなのど飴缶登場
http://t.co/Ic5dfj6dSM
この間雑誌の撮影で、この飴缶のスタイリングしました。
飴缶かなりいい感じ！
コスパもいい。コンプめざして大人買いかなー☆ pic.twitter.com/9rnEVqnkg2
— 山口友里 (@kirakirahappy55) March 3, 2015
Everyday is a roller coaster!
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
TOKYO GIGANTIC GIRLS
This is an "art project" called Tokyo Gigantic Girls. Some may argue that this isn't really art per se, but you probably didn't notice that the title is written as 東巨, so it sounds like Tokyo, but it also has the kanji for "giant" in it. It's fun (i.e. art). Also, just think of how long the artist had to struggle coming up with a legitimate reason to point a camera up the skirt of a high school girl. If that video isn't enough for you, there are a lot more pictures and videos. There's an even more "artistic" video of a giant maid waking up.
I've got to say, I think I know what art is, and... shouldn't these girls be smashing stuff? At least pick up that train and shake it a little.
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