Corn Please

For the life of me, I'll never understand why people choose the cup. They're pretty much giving the corn away. Seriously, have you ever heard yourself say, "No, sir, you can keep your free corn that you are offering me. I'd rather not have this free of charge corn." You know why you've never said that? Because you'd have to be insane not to just take the corn! I'm sure you know a friend that likes corn even if you don't! Granted, it's a little harder to hold a corn of ice cream, and you have to eat it a little faster, but this is FREE CORN, PEOPLE!!!

Ice FUN Zone

I've always said you haven't lived until you touch a big block of ice that a bunch of other people have been touching.

Also, it looks like this has turned into Korean Week here at the Times. I probably won't have anything else about Korea after this.

Pizza Gets the Chicks

This is obviously a play on Domino's old slogan, "Made for homeless dog."

I don't mean to get super racist, but this is actually from Korea and not Japan.

Ventla

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

Ventla is a guy (or humans?) out of Tokyo. The most notable thing about them is that they plan to release 100 digital albums for free. They started in 2010 and already have 25 available. Even if you hate these songs, they've probably made something you'll like. Or perhaps you'll spend roughly 24 hours learning that you dislike all their works, and then you could make a post about that on Facebook, and some other humans will say they like that that happened. It's win-win. Here's a song:


Some of their other songs sound like they are trying to make the soundtrack to the next 8-bit Mega Man game to come out:


It should be pointed out that they sometimes sing:

Business Hair Removal

Every year it's the same thing. My wife asks me why I didn't get a promotion and I give the same old reply, "Ah, do you think the fact that you only allow me to spend 10% of my salary on full body waxes might have something to do with it? Just maybe?" Of course my bosses can tell that there are times during the year when licking chocolate syrup off my chest might not be an entirely pleasant experience. But my prayers may have been answered. This flyer is advertising "business hair removal" and shows the ideal hairless business man. It says it is important for a business man to feel clean. I'm not sure if business man is code for gigolo. Laser hair removal is quite popular with women in Japan. I know some men who have had all or just a section of their facial hair removed. This flyer says I can get two sections of my body done for ¥0! For example, two spots could mean both cheeks. Hopefully any cheeks are fine.

Wasabi and Cream Cheese Chip Review

Japanese Food Review #83

This is another of Calbee's limited edition potato chips. Which reminds me:

Q: What did the psychologist flower say to the sexually unfulfilled flower?

A: Call-bee.

Seriously though, if anyone knows how I could get in contact with a popsicle stick factory... I would be perfect for a job there, and I just really need this right now.

I've never had actual wasabi mixed with cream cheese, but it did sound like an interesting combination. As it turned out, while I could taste both, the flavoring was pretty light. It was kind of the poor man's sour cream and onion (not to be sexist or anything).

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6  It should be noted that I'm a big sour cream and onion man.
Girlbot: 5  She said it was too so-so. I forgot to tell her that phrase doesn't really make sense.
Overall: 5.5

Compact Hospitality Bra

Most people close to me know that I'm a bit of an expert with the ladies. I know a lot about how their minds work, like how they like chocolate and stuff. I've also always said that women want super gimmicky bras. They should be like toys and you should be able to stuff crap in them. Great minds think alike, because some Japanese fashion scientists working at Triumph had the same idea. This bra is called Omotenashi (meaning hospitality) Compact Bra. The front reads magokoro meaning sincerity or true heart. The bra pads can be removed and used as little pouches. One holds a little towel while the other holds a collapsable cup. There are little hands pressed together in the front (a very polite gesture), and the gloves in the back can be used to hold the bra and all its gadgets. Of course, those little hands in the front make a normal blouse look ridiculous, but a thick, sexy, wool pancho can still be worn without anyone noticing the costume you have on underneath.

Cherry Head Politician

Did you guyz see this picture of a politician wearing a giant cherry on his head? The man is the lieutenant governor of Yamagata prefecture and he was speaking at the city hall in Sendai. The purpose of the meeting was to plan for the "World Conference on Disaster Reduction" which will be held next year in Sendai (a city itself ravaged by the earthquake and tsunami of 2011).

So why was he wearing a cherry on his head? The most obvious answer is he was pointing out that attempting to avoid disasters is futile. After a few more trips around the sun we will all be dead, and it won't be many more trips around before no one remembers who you were. None of this means anything. Why do we wear ties, sit up straight, and pretend we are doing something meaningful? Look,  you can wear a cherry on your head. It doesn't matter. When you look at the big picture, nothing will change from what we do here. No one will remember even that a crazy man was wearing a cherry. What are we doing? I have a ton of whiskey in my car. Who's with me?

No, wait, kind of the opposite. He's just an idiot trying to appeal to cherry farmers in his home prefecture.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Momoiro Clover Z Live

Momoiro Clover Z's 2013 tour can now be seen on Blu-ray and DVD. It's quite the steal. Only ¥5,800 on Blu-ray (about $60) plus tax! You don't need to watch this, but it is interesting to note that Momocuro seems to be starting some new age sect of Hinduism!

Also, I saw a clip of them on TV the other day that actually made me like them a little more. They went to a small fishing village in Aichi-ken all dressed up. The idea was to see if they could find their fans and to see if all the old folks there knew who they were. At one point, a bunch of young fans found them. One 18-year-old boy in particular was in love with one of them. He was encouraged to "confess" his love. (This is, I find, kind of a weird thing about Japanese, but telling someone you like them is a confession. Also, I think it might be more common to ask a couple, "Who confessed?" than, "Where did you meet?") Anyway, the boy started confessing the way you're supposed to. Basically, scream it like you're talking to a drill sergeant and then bow. One of the other members of Momoir Clover Z "kancho-ed" him. (Kancho literally means "enema" and involves sticking your two index fingers up the victim's butt). Everyone thought it was funny, but they pointed out that it was a bit strange for a 20-year-old celebrity to kancho an 18-year-old. Some things are true in any culture.

Mr. Japan Dance Rehearsal

I know a lot of you might be a little Mr. Japaned out, and the rest of you don't even want to think about how we're still about 340 days away from the next Mr. Japan competition, but this it still worth a look. The video of the rehearsal is closer, so you can really see how cool they are. Also, they do a lot of cool, orchestrated grunts that you couldn't hear at the real event. Sweet dreams tonight, my friends.

Construction Gods

Apparently it's traditional to have a priest bless your land before a building is constructed.

Here is a makeshift shrine. Presumably some members of the company in charge of making the building and the family that owns the land were in attendance. It was weird. I thought they were starting construction because a couple guys took a ton of time measuring where the shrine would be. I guess Godzilla hates when you pray two centimeters to the left.

Apple Pie Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #82

We all learned in history class that Johnny Appleseed was a real human with oh so many blisters upon his feet, but what your junior high teacher didn't tell you is that he was a horrible sex addict. Apparently after Johnny reached his goal of "American pie-ing" a lady in every state, he started trying to knock every continent of the list. I wonder if he knew that his sex vacation in Japan would someday lead to apple pie potato chips. I'm going to guess that a great man like him probably knew this was coming. For shame, Mr. Appleseed!

Anyway, Calbee is making a series of chips with famous flavors of different regions in Japan. Everyone knows that northern Honshu is famous for apple pies, so why not make it in chip form?

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  It's really not that bad. The sweet apple taste is pretty faint and there's only a little salt. Also, the bag said there would be a cinnamon flavor, but that was even fainter. Surprisingly edible.
Girlbot: 4  She said it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good.
Overall: 3.75

Hearsays

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

This is another band on Dead Funny Records. They're two guys and two music gals from Fukuoka. Their label says they sound like Liz Phair or the Breeders. I probably only know the singles, but I'm pretty sure they don't sound like Liz Phair. They definitely have an American 90s indies sound, though. Three of them have normal Japanese names, and the lead singer goes by Zebra. Zebra's English pronunciation is actually okay. Here's a song about blind people.

Embarrassing Drunk Moment

This guy isn't all that drunk, I guess.

Everybody has one of those stories where they drank a bit too much in front of their co-workers and did something embarrassing. Maybe you spilled a margarita your crouch and everyone now calls you "Marga-pee-pee-pants" (a witty play on words). Or maybe your tongue got a little too loose and you revealed your love of Mein Kampf and now everyone calls you, "that horrible neo-Nazi guy we're trying to get fired." Well guess what? A man in Karatsu, Saga has it even worse than you.

A public employee in his 50s went drinking with his co-workers and then planned to take a 9:38 train home. Apparently he had done some serious drinking in between the time work ended and 9:00, because he was so drunk that he didn't get on the train! Can you imagine the razzing he'd get at the office the next day! But wait, there's more.

At some point he fell on the tracks and an out-of-service train ran him over. Oh, also he doesn't remember this. Actually, he doesn't remember anything until almost six hours later. At around 4:10 am he woke, saw that his left leg had been severed at the knee, and called for an ambulance. I'm sure there were a lot of fun jokes about how he can't handle his sake around the office! A lot of hop to it comments and stuff.

Source: Asahi Shimbun Online

Table Manners

Mom's telling kids not to play with their food exists in Japan as well. My question: What kind of sick child brain would think you could play with this? Faces are for eating, kid!

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Family Party

Kyary's newest 8-bit single is about understanding what's important in life and staying with the people you love. I think that's why the video depicts her battling a robot in some sort of incomprehensible game. In the end, Kyary, the robot, and the effeminate referee are all winners... just like how families... space tournaments... demon dog... cake card.

Communist Poster

The communist party in Japan is still alive and sort of well. They only have 8 and 11 members in the lower and upper houses respectively, but their posters can be seen all over the country.  They claim to be Marxist, but they're just a normal left wing party. You'd think that at some point they might want to change the name, but apparently there's not too much of a stigma associated with the term "communist." Either that or the Japanese are just super into gulag culture.

The poster above is typical of their recent one's which often depict cartoon characters (I'm pretty sure Stalin used similar tactics). The dork lady is saying, "We won't forgive black companies!" Black companies are just companies that break labor laws, like having workers work more hours than are legal and the likes. The current laws don't seem to be enforced at all. Anyway, that four-eyes commie-scum has a point. Still, the counterpoint is so easy to make, "Go back to Russia! Oh, and by the way, only whores wear all purple! I spit on you and your children!"

Old Lacy Bed

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

This band hails from Nagoya (a huge shout out to my Na-town peeps). All four members are women, so they're kind of like the Spice Girls minus maybe Sporty Spice or something. Also, unlike the Spice  Girls, they're Japanese, can play instruments, and don't really, really, really wanna zigazig ha. Nonetheless, there seems to be some real "girl power" present with this foursome. The songs of theirs I've heard are pretty simple, but there's some uniqueness to them that makes them interesting. Here's their song Little Girl.

Tori Chiki Ban Ban

Apparently this is a fried chicken place in Kyushu.  Tori means bird or chicken and "chiki" comes from chicken. Ban ban is how bang bang is written in Japanese. So, it's "chicken chicken bang bang" or "bird chicken bang bang." Take your pick. Sometimes you might see a chicken place that has a cartoon chicken mascot. This works well because most people (I can safely assume I am like most people) like to imagine that the meat they are ripping into was at one point a cute character that children adore. This restaurant has turned that concept upside down.

I guess the idea is that some assassin monkey dresses up as a chicken, probably "gets to know" all the hens, and then murders them. The consumer then can enjoy the lifeless carcasses. It turns out, this is also kind of fun to think about while you eat meat.

Dolce Time

Boss Man: Okay team. We've really got to hammer out an ad for Dolce Time. Remember, this product has cookies and raspberry sauce covering cheese flavored ice-cream. Something working with that would be great. So, did you guyz come up with anything?

Terry: ...trampoline?...

Boss Man: I don't think I'm following you, Terry.

Bob: No, he's right. My cousin is super good at trampolines and can run up walls and stuff.

Boss Man:...Okay...ahh...Did anyone come up with a jingle or anything?

Ron: You know how there's that one one sound  "che" in dolce?

Boss Man: Excuse me?

Bob: Actually, yeah, it's for sure a syllable.

Ron: Yeah, so I was thinking, che, che, che, dolce.

Boss Man: Oh, a man with rhythm. I like this. Anything else?

Terry: Mexican wrestling?...

Boss Man: Terry, why are you looking at the wall?

Ron: Oh yeah, a wrestling mask with "che" written on it!

Bob: My trampolining cousin's hobby is making wrestling masks!

Boss Man: It's not trampolining?

Ron: There should be an old guy watching that says it's dangerous. That would be a really good punch line.

Boss Man: I don't think you're using the term "punch line" appropriately. Is this seriously what you guyz want to do?

Bob: Boss Man, I just sexted my cousin and he's totally in!

Boss Man: (heavy sigh) Okay, just next time say texted.

Bob: ...But I made a penis joke in the text.

Boss Man: Still, just for me, say texted.

Bob: Sure thing, Boss Man.

Teriyaki Chicken Pizza Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #81

Calbee has finally gotten around to making a pizza potato chip with everyone's favorite topping: teriyaki chicken. Like all Calbee pizza chips, there are globs of cheese on every chip. I'm very ashamed to admit this, but I don't believe I've ever actually had real teriyaki chicken pizza, so I don't know what exactly it should taste like. Apparently it has seaweed and mayonnaise on top.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  It tasted like a teriyaki chicken chip. The cheese flavor was very faint, and there didn't seem to be any other flavors.
Girlbot: 3  She only had one chip and wasn't impressed.
Overall: 4