Boy Talk - Street Drugs

Robot Baseball... Jackie Robotson?????

In the 90s, many believed that the game Super Baseball 2020 was simply science-fiction. Their small brains couldn't understand how much human brains yearn for the day when men, women, and robots, yes robots, all compete in a futuristic baseball match. Also, home runs should only count if you hit it to center. There should be like glass or something covering the crowd so the ball falls back into play. That would be awesome. Also, why doesn't baseball have "stop zones" where the ball automatically stops yet?

Well, it seems that we may only be six short years from seeing games played at Cyber Egg Stadium (such a cool name)!


It's cool that they even made it look like a 90s video. It's good to know that there are at least a few dedicated scientists trying to answer the question, "Can I devote my entire life to making something no one wants at all?"

Mustard Chips (No Spice No Life)

Japanese Food Review #92

You're likely all aware that my mantra is, "No spice no life." It's pretty much running through my head all the time, and, yes, on more than a few occasions I've ended up screaming it at an unsuspecting stranger. Well, imagine my surprise to find it written on a bag of chips! That wasn't the first thing I noticed, however. That would be that young, sweaty, Hitler-like character clutching some mustard. This bag has everything you'd want.

It's made by Calbee, which, if you wrote out the Japanese in English, would actually be Karubii. But here on this bag in giant writing it reads, "Karabii." This is because they've combined "karaii" (spicy) with Calbee. It's super witty and fun.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 8  This may be a little high, but they were very good. They really tasted like spicy mustard and were still that same high-quality Calbee chip.
Girlbot: 7 She said they were better than she had expected.
Overall: 7.5

Kikagaku Moyo

Kikagaku Moyo (meaning "Geometric Patterns") is a Japanese band. In an interview for the Austin Psych Fest, their drummer claims they don't fit into one genre of music. On the other hand, they have a sitar player in the band. Not a dude that can play the sitar but usually plays guitar... A sitar player. In the same interview, he says the name comes from one of the first nights they were playing together. They jammed all night in the dark, and he could see geometric patterns behind his eyelids. "We were between sleep and awake..." Anyway, I think it's safe to say they're a 60s psychedelic revivalist band... or something.

They came out with their first EP in 2013 and have two out this year. This is from the latest, Forest of Lost Children. It's worth listening to the whole thing.

Premium 4 (Hard Gay)

Pizza Hut wowed the world with their cat employee campaign. What could they possibly do for an encore? Get Razor Ramon HG, of course. Razor Ramon is a comedian and former wrestler. He's got a really creative name. You see, he took the name of a famous, American wrestler, Razor Ramon, and combined it with HG. That counts as a new name, right? Oh, and HG stands for hard gay.

The ad is for Pizza Hut's 4 pizza (now called the Premium 4). It's a pizza with 4 different parts. The voice over says, "The 4 up until now," and Mr. Hard Gay repeats the line. Then they say, "The Premium 4," and now he's got a super cool cape on. Basically, if you had the choice between some random guy and a guy with a cape, who would you choose? If you didn't choose the cape, you're an idiot.

Regain Energy Drink

This commercial is for Regain, an energy drink that helps you work. I guess if you drink it, it's kind of like having a demon woman shoot a large amount of electricity into your body. She's pretty good looking, so it's totally worth it.

The demon woman is played by a model named Sumire. She's actually depicting an 80s manga character named Lam from the comic Urusei Yatsura. Lam was a demon alien who could fly and make electricity, so the ad makes perfect sense.

Fiorucci Happy!!

The Italians have finally figured out how to get Japanese teens to support the Confederacy.

Coacher

Bossman: Oh these signs! We've got to get up these signs!
Underling: Excuse me, sir? I have a question about one of the signs.
Bossman: For the 500th time, they all go on the wall!
Underling: Yes, I understand, but this coacher and mascot one...
Bossman: The wall, damn you!
Underling: It's just, I know the verb "play" is "player" in its noun form, but I feel like their might be a more common noun than coacher. Would you like me to check?
Bossman: Listen grammar boy, no one is going to care because they can't see the sign because it's not on the wall!
Underling: I have my phone here. It would probably take me five seconds to check.
Bossman: If a signs not up... it's not a sign! You can't read something that's not a sign, get it!?
Underling: I'll get the sign up right away, bosser! 

Pink Beer

I've often complained that, "Beer isn't really that cute," and, "Beer is almost alway identifiable as beer," but that has all changed thanks to Asahi's new pink beer! It's actually a happoshu (low malt beer) and not a true beer. This one boasts that it has 50% less sugar. I thought I'd probably need to add a couple spoonfuls of sugar, but it turned out to be okay without it. It says the drink contains rose hip, so theoretically that's why it's pink. It also calls itself a "beer cocktail" and says it smell of hops. Surprisingly, it wasn't bad. I usually hate happoshu, and this wasn't good, but it tasted like there were some hops in it instead of just tasting like a somehow worse version of Coors Light.

Poop Bread

The Times traveled to Korea to bring you this story. One should note that the food reported upon is not Japanese and is therefore ineligible to be a part of the Japanese Food Review series.

People often claim that Japan is a world leader in edible poop, but it seems that the Koreans are quickly catching up.

These were being sold at an outdoor stand in Seoul. They're called dong pang, or dong bang, or tong pang, or something (I don't speak Korean). Dong is a word for poop, and pang is a word for bread. Apparently Korean poop looks just like Japanese poop and just like soft serve ice cream in the rest of the world. These were similar to tai-yaki, the treat that's shaped like a fish and usually filled with sweet red beans (anko). The poop was filled with the beans and had a little bit of walnut as well. Nothing special. It was pretty good. They were only $1.
Guess I'd give it a 5.

They had a sign that said Dong-tteria and looks like a Lotteria sign. Lotteria is basically a Korean McDonald's and is also quite successful in Japan.

JA Bank 2014

There's a new edition of one of my favorite Japanese commercials. The song is just two lines repeated over and over:

Winter saving is JA.
Winter is the season for saving.

This song is so true. Humans are kind of like squirrels, and squirrels are famous for spending all their acorns on fireworks and whores in the fall. Then they spend all winter saving up the bountiful winter gifts nature offers them. You almost never hear about squirrels doing cocaine at one of their frugal holiday parties, just like us humans. So you should open a savings account at this particular bank now, though, yeah, it's not winter yet.

Colac

Thought we'd stick with the poop theme.


This is a commercial for Colac (コーラック), a constipation medicine. That cute, pink deer is talking about how she hasn't had a bowel movement in three days. Then that sexy deer comes through crapping all over the place showing that it's not only the outside of her body that's perfect. The pink deer thinks that looks nice. We are told to buy Colac and the red arrow on the right reads, "My first constipation medicine." You'll probably want to put that in a scrapbook to show your third husband's kids or something. The story repeats itself with a goat mailman? The commercial ends with the deer pooping on the sentence, "You only need to take it when it won't come out."

Mr. Toilet

O-toire-san, or Mr. Toilet, is a delightful book for young Japanese children with everyone's favorite mustached toilet. There are so many wonderful characters like the urinating squirrel, the pooping snake, the turtles that do morning exercises with Mr. Toilet, and, of course, the young, diaper-wearing giraffe. Your kids will love all the grunts and groans and onomatopoeic sounds the excrements make! Also, there are so many great puns. What 1-year-old doesn't love a large amount of puns?

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT!!!!:

The baby giraffe does end up pooping in Mr. Toilet. The poop, which is at least as large as the giraffe's body, yells, "Hello!" when he comes out. Is is sexist of me to assume the poop is a he? Sorry ladies.

Nikkei Gets You Laid

Nikkei is a financial newspaper similar to the Wall Street Journal. That might not be true. I've never read either of them. This is their latest ad campaign. The top left says, "Update yourself." The big, red writing reads, "Read and you'll see the difference." The babes are all over that dude on the left saying, "Because he reads Nikkei, he knows a lot about the economy and trends," and "It's also the reason he's done a string of good presentations." The lonely virgin playing a video game on the right is saying, "His secret is Nikkei!" I've been doing a ton of research, and it turns out that chicks prefer a guy pretending to be rich over a man who openly, virtually breeds horses.

People might think it's weird to use a comic to sell something to rich men, but the message behind it is true. Like, information is power or something. For instance, did you know that some crocodiles have two penises? I mean, I've never confirmed this, but one can safely assume that at least some have had this deformity. Anyway, next time you're at a bar and some random babe pulls the old, "After awhile, crocodile," line on you, try telling her this fun crocodile penis fact. It's almost guaranteed to get some sort of reaction!

Learn English from Sushi!!

Despite being forced to study English for around eight years, most Japanese can barely speak it at all. This will all likely change thanks to NHK's "kids" programming (pronounced "keez in Japanese, a good first step). One of the shows aimed at 5th and 6th graders follows some talking sushi (that live in sushi town) around. Here's a link:

You live on Noren Island

It's a great idea to use sushi as characters. That way kids get to learn helpful words that native speakers basically can't avoid saying like tuna, squid, shrimp, and uni. I recommend watching scene 02, and maybe scene 07 as well... or all the ones with the sushi if you're looking to waste your day.

Coffee Melonpan Review

Japanese Food Review #91

I deeply apologize. I bought this on sale and tried to remove the sticker that said it was discounted. It looks horrible.

One thing I've always disliked about canned coffee is that it doesn't come in bread form. That has all changed thanks to Dydo. I've always know that Dydo is just about the coolest canned coffee company  out there. And I'm talking "nearly as cool as the Blue Man Group" cool. Just check out one of many videos they made showing a cool way to shake your can of coffee. This is called Lock Edition:



So they've already blown our minds this year, but now they've somehow figured out how to put that stale coffee taste into a melonpan. Melonpan, or melon bread, doesn't actually taste like melon, it just sort of looks like one. It's normally a light, sweet bread covered in a thin, sort of hard layer of cookie dough.

This coffee melonpan had whipped cream inside of it. It was a very low quality cream. I'd say Twinkies have a higher quality cream. The bread didn't really have a hard outside, but it really did taste like sweet, burnt coffee.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 2  It was very bad, but it's not the worst thing I've ever had.
Girlbot: 0  She wanted to give it a -1 (very against the rules here at the Times) despite the fact she ate the entire quarter of the melon I gave her. Other than that, all she said was, "I don't want to eat it again."
Overall: 1

2 Male Hyenas Refuse to Make Offspring

Fun ice cream cones or gay zoo propaganda?

I've heard of doggy style, but forcing two male hyenas to have sex in a cage style? That's not a style, is it? Well, apparently at Sapporo's Maruyama Zoo it is. The zoo announced on the 25th that the two hyenas they've been making breed together since 2010 are both male. The hyenas were never seen "banging" and, in fact, were constantly fighting when put together. One can assume that the local zoo scientists didn't find this odd because female humans often hit and bite them when they attempt to copulate.

The hyenas were a gift from Sapporo's South Korean sister city, Daejeon. It's a typical sister thing to do, tricking you into trying to make male animals have sex together. Man, it looks like the two countries are even after that whole first half of the 20th century prank Japan pulled on Korea.

It might not be that simple, however. All the zoo scientists claim that this wasn't a "wicked" prank and that it is difficult to distinguish between male and female hyenas. The zoo had to put the two to sleep to make sure. I guess the female's clitoris is bigger than the male penis. This means that South Korea may still be looking to do some other awesome prank in the near future.

Source: Doshin Web

Butt Appears Five Years Younger!!!

Some scientists at the Wacoal corporation discovered something shocking. It turns out that if you wear some underwear that a grandma might think looks nice, your butt will look five years younger! The marketing geniuses at Wacoal decided to have the commercial begin with a women's face near a women's butt. Then someone whispers, "butt." Underwear is put on, and the women's voice keeps whispering, "Amazing." We learn that the butt, thighs, and waist all appear five years younger. And the face staring at the butt is also the head that belongs to the butt's body! It's all very artistic and European.

Yaki-imo Ice Review

And now for part two of the first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge.
Japanese Food Review #90

Yaki-imo means baked sweet potato and is a popular treat in the colder seasons in Japan. Oh, and ice means ice cream. You'll often see dudes driving around in little, white farmer trucks selling them and playing a tape of a guy screaming yaki-imo. Here's an example if you care:



The outside of this treat is a type of wafer simulating the skin of the potato. It's basically a stale ice cream cone and is used with a lot of other year round ice cream treats. Then there's a little chocolate and a sweet potato flavored ice cream. The ice cream really did taste quite a bit like a real sweet potato.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6.5  First off, I'm a pretty big fan of yaki-imos, and I would prefer the real thing. Still, this was tasty and a little fun or something. I wouldn't mind having one like once a year.
Girlbot: 7  She was very impressed with how well they captured the sweet potato flavor.
Overall: 6.75

It looks like the yaki-imo has defeated the chestnut ice cream! Wow! What a year!

Häagen-Dazs Waguri Review

Well, it's fall again. That means it's time for our first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge. There are two entries this year!
Japanese Food Review #89

Waguri means Japanese chestnut. I guess it's slightly different from other countries' chestnuts. I'm not really sure. I don't eat a lot of plain chestnuts, but they have many good sweets made from them around this time of year in Japan. The ice cream was white with very thin swirls of sweet chestnut flavoring. The swirls were few and far between. It was as if Häagen-Dazs did not truly believe in their own creation, so they tried to cover most of the taste with a sort of generic ice cream. But as any great dancer knows, no one wants to see a dancer shake his (or her) ass half-heartedly.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5 It was fine, but I expect more than fine from a fake European company.
Girlbot: 5  She said it was basically vanilla ice cream but worse.
Overall: 5

Check back soon for the conclusion of the first annual Autumnal Ice Cream Flavor Challenge.

Cat Killer Caught

Has Hitler the cat gained the ability to control feeble-minded humans?

Earlier this summer it became apparent that a cat serial killer was on the loose in the Ota Ward of Tokyo. Police were finding many dead cats and cat food laced with poison. It reminded me of when Johnnie Walker killed all those cats to make a flute out of their souls and almost reported the story, but I realized no one would know what I'm talking about. Also, it's not a very uplifting story and adds no value to your life.

Anyway, they caught the killer. If you want to read a real English write up, here's the Asahi Shimbun's one.

Some highlights from around the web:

*The police found the 33-year-old killer around 2:30am in a parking lot choking and slamming a cat into the ground. The police used this clue to deduce that this man might kill cats.

*The police then questioned him about the 45 dead cats they had found during the summer. He replied that he'd killed more than 45. This was the second hint that he may have been the killer.

*The police checked his bicycle basket and found 4 dead cats. It was looking more and more like the police had likely found their man. By the way, that brings the total to 50 known dead cats.

*The man said he'd mixed anti-freeze and farm chemicals with cat food. The police had their man!!!

*The man said he killed the cats to get stress out (this is a new strategy I'd never heard of), and because he was angry that his neighbors were feeding stray cats. He wanted to reduce the number of strays.

*The man claims to be a cat lover. Later the police checked his house and found his pet cat that seemed to be well cared for.

*The man is named Shinya Kuboki and is a computer programmer. So far there has been no mention of him claiming to be Johnnie Walker or the magic flute.

Other Sources:
Yomiuri Online
Nikkan-Gendai

Chubbiness

Thought I'd share this with you in case you don't already have a eating disorder.

This new pop group is called Chubbiness. I know, they're disgusting to look at, but if they're as musically talented as the Fat Boys, you just can't help but listen. Try shutting your eyes if it's too much for you. On the Chubbiness website you can check each members stats, including their height and weight (including the date it was measured). The heaviest girl weighs 63 kg (139 pounds) and stands 161 cm tall (5'3").

I'll give you a moment to go clean the vomit out of your mouth.

Kind of a fun fact, that's considered to be in the normal weight range if you look at her body mass index. God, science is so stupid.

The Halloween displays have been up at a lot of stores for about two weeks. I can't believe Halloween is less than fifty days away! Here are some paper plates that are sure to make you the coolest out of place man at a children's Halloween party!

"Now, it is Halloween today! I will carry out appearance of a pumpkin and will surprise everybody!"

Again, this quote sounds like something Jesus would say, but I could totally see Mary teaching Jesus about this. We'll never know for sure because most contemporary bibles leave out almost of the Halloween party chapters.

Christmas Everyday

I wish I could be Christmas everyday.

I'm not really sure who came up with this quote. Maybe Jesus? Anyway, these decorations are hanging up year round at Big Echo, a karaoke place.

Dome Sweet Dome

I've been getting a lot of fan mail requesting pictures of people walking on the Nagoya Dome. It's actually a little odd how many letters have been about this subject lately. I secretly suspect that most or all of the letters are written by a very drunk me. Well, enjoy guyz! There's no place like... dome??!?!!??

Pet Monkey

The pet shop in the mall by my house is selling a monkey. It's only about $4,500 if anybody wants to go in on it with. I've got a couple surefire ideas to make our money back. Obviously one involves a small cowboy costume and some rockets or something. Also, I've got this idea for a show where Hitler is reincarnated as a small boys pet monkey. I was thinking it would be a comedy, but I'd be willing to do a serious drama as well if you invest more than 50%.

Gurapote Review

Japanese Food Review #88

Gurapote is short for granola potato chip (because you can't say "gra" in Japanese). The bag says it is full of granola and is a non-fried chip high in iron and fiber. It seems pretty healthy. The top three ingredients are potato, oil, and sugar. Today we'll be examining their orange cocoa flavor.

The chips are very light and are not salty at all. They're pretty sweet. They seemed more like healthy potato cookies than a chip.The chocolate flavor was stronger than the orange. I guess I wouldn't have realized granola had anything to do with the chips if I hadn't seen the bag. I thought I wouldn't like these, but we ate the entire (quite small) bag very quickly.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6 There's a possibility I'll buy them again. I at least am interested in trying the other flavors.
Girlbot: 4 They were better than she expected, and she would eat them if offered to her, but she will never purchase a bag herself.
Overall: 5

Basically Immortal

People often ask me how I can live in a country with some many earthquakes, tsunamis, and the such. Listen dudez, I've got a disaster prevention hood. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be just fine.

CocoKawa

Reina Triendl has come out with the jam of the year. It's used in an ad for Daihatsu's Cocoa car. They've very cleverly combined "cocoa" with "kawaii" (cute) to produce the new super word "cocokawa." It's a word that has so many uses, like..., well, I can't really think of a way to use it in a sentence, but it's just so much fun! We all remember how the old Cocoas reminded us of vomit, but now you can choose the colors of the car (both inside and out) through a simulator on their website, so it's pretty cute.

In the song Triendl asks, "Where's your CocoKawa?" Then there's a bunch of gibberish before saying, "Let's find it." It kind of sums up 2014 for me.

KFC Colonel's Day

Happy birthday dead guy that's now a cartoon character!

Did you know that KFCs in Japan celebrate Colonel's Day? I guess Colonel Sanders was born on September 9th, so you can get discounted chicken and stuff this month.

Who cares? No one, but if you follow the Japanese version of KFC on Twitter and tweet about it, you'll be entered to win an amazing prize. (You should click on that link and scroll down to see what I'm talking about). They're calling it "the drool without thinking 3D chicken" campaign. You can win a keyboard that only has the K, F, and C buttons labeled. All the other ones are 3D pieces of chicken (only 1 winner), or a drumstick mouse (1 winner), or a chicken USB memory stick (1 winner), or chicken earrings (47 winners).

Don't miss out on this chance to give KFC free advertising!

Brown Rice Soup

This was on the side of a brown rice soup box. Everything else was written in Japanese, and the part above was only written in English. It's just another in a long line of products claiming to be able to improve a family's health by harnessing the theoretical energy source of migrating birds. Sounds almost too good to be true.

Cup No Sokoko

I've written about Fuchiko a couple times. Basically she's an action figure you can get in a vending machine that hangs on the edge of your glass.... or so we thought! Now she's being crushed by the glass. Actually, this toy is called Sokoko. Soko means bottom (whereas fuchi means edge), and ko is a popular ending for women's names. Sokoko can face in either direction.

 A couple of critiques:
-A more realistic Sokoko might of been fun. Maybe at least a few ribs poking through?
-Unlike the Fuchiko addition, we are unable to see her underwear (at least in this incarnation). Truth be told, this toy is barely erotic at all. What's the point of buying it?

Here's the paper showing the other versions:

TEMPURA KIDZ vs Charisma.com

Tempura Kidz, best known for being Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's backup dancers, have teamed up with Charisma.com, an electro-rap group. Maybe they don't know what "vs" means. The song is called Miira Kira meaning Mummy Killer. One site said that mummy is a metaphor for empty humans who have no will, or for people who hide their true selves (like a mummy does with bandages. Show us your rotting corpses you damn mummies!). I guess they want to kill those people, or just stop them from being mummies. I've got a big problem with their use of mummies. In the video a mummy bites someone who then becomes a mummy. What? Mummies ARE NOT zombies!!! I mean, maybe that mummy got bit by some sort of zombie monkey, but you need to explain that!

The video is supposed to look like an 80s countdown show in Nagoya. Every song on the countdown is the song we're listening to! I think they were hoping the video would be funny. The host drinks whiskey during a break. I liked that, I guess.

By the way, Charisma.com might be sort of big someday, so... I don't know, memorize them or whatever. They're pretty weird and hate a lot of stuff. The actual music (not the rapping) sounds kind of K-poppy to me. Here's maybe their first single? MC Gonchi commits a murder suicide at the end of it. They say it's about how they hate girls who say "kawaii" (cute) too much and just basically young people caring about fashion. "You're cool but fool" is part of the chorus. So that explains why they murdered those shadow people with green blood before taking their own lives.

Robot Dog Hospital Closed!!!

If you don't understand Japanese, you can probably skip watching this video. The videos starts by showing us a 62-year-old woman playing with her robot dog, Hokuto. She talks about how Hokuto is a member of the family and how, when she's out, she thinks about "the child" waiting for her at home. But this video is not about mentally ill robot dog lovers. It's about how the "clinic" for the AIBO robot has closed down.

When people bought these pets ten years ago, they thought their friend would be with them forever (mostly because they have no concept of what forever means). Now, Hokuto has a bum leg and there is no doctor for him. They also show a man with an AIBO that suffers from battery problems and can only stay awake a few minutes at a time. He recalls that his junior-high-aged daughter said she wanted to take the dog with her when she got married. He still hopes to make this childish dream (that the daughter likely no longer cares about) come true.

Luckily, some other crazy people have opened a shop where they try to repair these robot dogs using old parts of other dead robot dogs. The owner says that he understands why the original maker's hospital closed down, noting that there's no real profit in the business. He's doing this simply to "give people a member of their family back."

Consomme Punch Review

Japanese Food Review #87

I'm sure you are all aware that Natbot reported that Sharbot would like to read a review of a snack that Girlbot enjoys. First, a bit of a spoiler..., this is that review! A heated discussion was had before selecting this snack, for most of the snacks Girlbot enjoys are snacks that I, Gaybot, also enjoy. Also, most of the snacks she likes are pretty boring, like salt-flavor potato chips.

Anyway, consommé is one of the most common chip flavors in Japan. You know that soup you never choose to eat? Maybe you'd like it in chip form? The bag claims it is "the delicious taste you'll never tire of." Calbee chose to add the word "panchi" or "punch" presumably because it has a lot of flavor and not because it makes you want to punch pillows to get out all that pent up anger you have for your gerbils or whatever. I must say, Consumme Punch commercials are among the finest I've ever seen. There are a bunch of them and none of them make any sense. Please search for more yourself.

The first time I tried them I thought they were awful. I've actually avoided eating them the last couple of years even though they're almost always offered at parties and the likes. Perhaps the taste was just too foreign at the time, but they're really not that bad. For Girlbot, this was her favorite snack as a child. In the past, she would have given them a 10.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  Again, they are not awful, but I can't imagine choosing to buy these.
Girlbot: 9  She thinks it's a sign of becoming an adult that she only gives these a 9 now.
Overall: 6.5

Pizza Cat

During Pizza Hut's latest round of market research, one interesting fact stuck out. Take a look at this Venn diagram:

 It turns out that cat video viewers and Pizza Hut lovers are basically the same people! But what to do with this new found information? This is where some genius marketers stepped in. It turns out that both "hut" and "cat" have a "t" in them, so... Pizza Cats! Get it!


They made a web series about a Pizza Hut run by cats. This seems like a great idea, but they decided to make all the episodes as boring as possible (I guess I don't really get marketing). For example, here's episode three, Strategy Meeting! Get Pumped up!


I guess I get the joke. It is funny that cat's can't talk and don't have opposable thumbs to write stuff down at a meeting, but maybe we should be able to hear them think about how they hate Mondays? Maybe some genital licking? I don't know. By the way, if anyone wants help marketing their product, let me know. I've got a ton of ideas like these.

Cool Car Stickers

I don't have much to say about this. These are some stickers on a jeep like vehicle. Just another example of middle fingers on your car being acceptable and how some people are super against kissing... or can't read or something.

The Statue of Too Much Liberty

This is toy you can get in those "gacha gacha" capsule vending machines. It basically translates to the Statue of Too Much Liberty. It's interesting to note that the Statue of Liberty in Japanese is 自由の女神 which directly translated means "goddess of freedom." Maybe we should change the name? Anyway, Japan is making a mockery of our blessed statue! Her toes! Her naked toes! She would never show the public those! And her thick short fingers! Those are completely different from the ones most adolescents fantasize about!!!

Okay, those of you that know me personally know that I am definitely not a pro-war type of hombre. But you also know that I'm very for isolated air strikes on foreign companies. Get off the can Obama! Oh, I'm over reacting? Look at the other statues!

 There's a "shy" one, a "laying down" one, and a "making a bridge" one!

And a "sculptor" one and an "inviting" one! Again, we've all had dreams about some of these, but you can't just openly depict it!!!

Oh, they also made a weird video:

She's flirting with that camera guy. She asks him what kind of women he likes. He likes tall, free women with noses that stick out. But, alas, he's married.

Pain Problems?

Whether you've got a sharp pain on the tip of your butt, or... I guess like the corner of your butt...? We've got a giant thumb that can help.

Bacon Mustard Deepo Review

Japanese Food Review #86

There has been a lot of "buzz" about Calbee's new brand of thick potato chips. You'll recall that Girlbot and I didn't have a favorable view of the first round of Deepo chips. Well, Calbee reacted quickly by producing a new flavor: bacon-mustard. Of course, bacon-mustard is a flavor we're all very familiar with. It's probably been around since the time of Moses. Could the Calbee scientists really capture this traditional flavor in chip form? Um, yeah, I guess. The mustard was of a spicy variety and there was kind of a pork flavor in there as well.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6  I thought it was an above average chip. The flavor was somehow familiar and interesting. Not great, though.
Girlbot: 3  She wouldn't get them again. Also, she felt the spice wasn't properly mixed. Some chips were quite spicy while others were bland. She preferred the spicy ones. Get on that Calbee!
Overall: 4.5

Hey Dudez

I guess I took a month off again. Also, I guess I'll try to continue publishing articles for this important source of information.

I've been pretty busy. For example, I packed a bag for a trip to the in-laws. I was assuming that I only had three pairs of shorts that aren't pajamas/swimsuits/gym shorts. Turns out two of them have sizable holes in the butt. You truly learn something new everyday.

Anyway, it's Obon in Japan. All the ghosts are visiting their old homes this week. I've been advised not to go swimming. Apparently the ghosts are friendly, but it's just too tempting to drown someone when you get the chance (even us living can relate, right guyz?).

I think that's all the information you'll need for today. And just like that, the Times is back!!!!

Learning about Poop

This is a new exhibit at a science museum in Tokyo. Kids learn about poop by putting on poop hats and sliding down a toilet into the exciting, poop-filled sewer. After that, they can listen to the toilet chorus sing. And of course there's a stand where they can make clay poops and set them in Japanese style toilets. I mean, this is science were talking about. I guess it's a little boring, but at least the kids are learning.

Spicy Pizza Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #85

I was a big fan of Calbee's Pizza Potato series when I first came to Japan. They're potato chips that claim to have real cheese and pizza toppings on them. As time has gone on, perhaps my brain has realized that this is a gross concept (storing real cheese at room temperatures is gross, but this is obviously not real cheese), and I'm less enamored with them. Still, my tastebuds enjoy the flavor that is mildly reminiscent of pizza, and I find that I'm often compelled to purchase the limited edition flavors. The newest edition is just the normal chip with chili pepper added. You can see that it has received a grade of 5 out of 6 chili peppers. The chips were kind of spicy.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  They were worse than the originals.
Girlbot: 5   Her initial reaction was to give them a 4 for not being spicy enough. The second chip was apparently spicy enough to garner a 5.
Overall: 4.5

Happy Water Life Service

I think this guy is starting some new age Poseidon cult or something. Wait, no, that's my plumber.

Kira Kira Killer

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new song is called Kira Kira Killer. It could be translated to "Sparkling Killer".  She's apparently some super hero. At the beginning of the song, she chants, "L-U-C-K!" but she can't really pronounce "L" like an English speaker, so that's fun. Kira backwards in Japanese is raki or lucky, so the chorus is that over and over. My horrible translation of the chorus:

Sparkling Killer lucky lucky lucky
Look, the future is happy happy happy
Sparkling killer from the sky now
Coming now 1, 2, 3, 4
Sparkling Killer lucky lucky lucky
Look, the future is happy happy happy
Sparkling Killer thump thump thump* fall in love
Sparkling Killer Sparkling Killer
Sparkling Killer magical power
Completely a Sparkling Killer

*a heart beating sound

Obviously people will debate the significance of these lyrics for centuries to come, but we can all agree that killers create at least a bit of happiness in this crazy world. Also, lucky, lucky, lucky.

Mercedes' Mario Commercial

Have you seen this commercial yet? First it asks what a Mercedes GLA would look like if it were in an 8-bit world. Apparently it would be able to jump the flag pole and Mario would get his wish of becoming a human. Then it asks, "What would the real Mario be like? Turns out he'd be this really ugly super hero that still dies when stuff touches his shin. I prefer John "The Pest" Leguizamo's take on that reality a bit more, but it's pretty tough for anyone to out do the late, great Leguizamo.

Kodomoroid

Well, It looks like the robots are just about ready to take over the world. Japanese scientists have developed Kodomoroid (meaning kid-roid). It's supposed to look like a ten-year-old girl and is designed to read the news. Basically it's just a moving mannequin that uses some crappy voice technology. It has been reported that the voice can be changed, and you can even choose a man's voice. A ten-year-old robot girl with a man's voice? Maybe a little too erotic for the news if you ask me. The scientists also produced Otonaroid (or adult-roid). Look at her use her nimble hands.


Just a few modifications and she could be an unstoppable terminator.

Real Mario Kart

Saw these two dudes cruising around town the other day. A couple of notes:

-An old man asked them what they were doing, and they said they were just aimlessly driving around. Also, they were just driving with normal traffic on big, busy roads.
-All the pedestrians I saw were legitimately excited to see them. One grown woman screamed with excitement, and about six people in their sixties came out of a restaurant to get a better look.
-These dudes were both talking on flip phones, so one can surmise that they spent a large amount of their incomes on go karts/Mario and Luigi costumes.

Weekly Update

Some of the highlights here at the Times from the last week.

• Saw a dad with his three young daughters wearing a "I lost my virginity in Cancun" hat at the park.

• Talked to an old man who used to run some shops. He said that if he found out an employee was stealing a little cash from him, he wouldn't do anything. Apparently the employees that stole were also the best salesmen. There's a tip for all you aspiring salesmen (sorry, ladies, I don't think it would work for you).

• Found a section at the park where 4 leaf clovers aren't so uncommon. Guess who has three 4 leaf clovers, losers!!!! Girlbot wants to buy a bunch of lottery tickets. Seems pretty logical.

Babemobile

A lot of dudez out there don't believe me when I tell them I get more birds (popular US slang for women) than I can handle. They often say things like, "You're nose is the wrong shape for a human face," or, "I hate the way you talk." Hey, all I know is the birds dig what I'm selling. You really want to know my secret....


Behold my motor trike!

Caddie GoluGolu - Say Fore

I guess golf caddies in Japan are often old women? I, for one, would much rather have a grandma carrying around my clubs than some young man who's always talking about how his knees don't hurt. This group is supposed to be a bunch of those caddies, and they're singing about following golf's rules. First, they kick a guy for not yelling, "Fore!" Later, they absolutely rip into some guyz for not following the dress code. They also get angry at some golfers for playing to slowly.

This seems like somebody saw The Obachan Theme and decided they could make some money making a funny old lady song. It seems like the market is ripe for a few more Japanese elderly women rap groups.

Docomo UFO

This is just an ad for a new payment plan offered by Docomo (a cellphone company). The song they're singing is a cover of UFO by Pink Lady (you should click that link if you've never seen them before). Pink Lady was huge in the 70s, and the original UFO was much cooler than this updated version. It sounded way more like the genie's song in Aladdin (always a sign of a hit). Anyway, please waste some time watching Pink Lady and learning some cool dance moves.

A Sign Makers Meeting #2

Boss: So, did you fix up that sign warning people not touch downed power lines.
Ron: Yes, sir. Here it is.
Boss: (delighted chuckle) Okay, yes, yes. Still, I think there's one area you could improve.
Ron: You don't want the boy to be wearing underwear.
Boss: So you agree? It'll be so much funnier that way. Every time I've pantsed someone and gotten a real laugh...
Ron: No, you've just already told me it would be funnier that way several times.
Boss: Or maybe just more butt crack? How about that?
Ron: Honestly, sir, I don't really understand why we even need this much crack.
Boss: Well, I mean..., why else would someone look at this sign?
Ron: Because it's a sign on the street and people look at those.
Boss: Some of them maybe, yeah, but when I see butt crack... I'm interested. I'm going to read that sign.
Ron: Okay, well, I really think this is as much butt crack as I can justify.
Boss: (long sigh) Yes, Virgin Mary.
Ron: Umm, do you think that's a saying?
Boss: Uh, maybe read a bible for once in your life, jeez.

Morning Musume Cup No Fuchiko

This is an ad for a vegetable drink made by Kagome. The translated name is "One day of vegetables, one drink". It's a catchy name, but maybe they could add something like "yummy yummy gooooood!" to the end of it or something. In the ad, the old man is thinking, "I'm drinking this because it's healthy...not because I want..." Then the gals from Morning Musume (another horrible girls band) say, "Good morning!" The old man thinks, "That!" We see a bunch of Cup No Fuchiko and vegetables flying around. Apparently you have the chance of winning a very special Morning Musume Cup No Fuchiko if you purchase this drink. It's good marketing because you can see the dolls' underwear. It goes along with their new campaign, I guess. The other day, one of the girls wore an "I AM A WHORE" shirt to a TV shoot.

They made a couple other creepy videos where the girls sit on a cup and ask you to drink with them every morning. Here's one.

Subway Class

Subway put on a class in the rotunda of the mall near my house today. Basically a bunch of kids dressed up like idiots and made their own Subway sandwiches. I only saw the end where that dude up there told the kids they could take their Subway apron home, and several of the kids actually looked thrilled.

Of course it wouldn't really be a Subway class if Subman weren't in attendance. You can't tell here, but he had a pretty cool yellow cape on.

And here he is wondering how his life choices resulted in him putting on a sandwich suit for minimum wage.

JONTE' with BsGirls!!!

My little brother's EXACT look alike is back in the news. He threw out the first pitch for an Orix Buffaloes game. But first the crowd of approximately 42 people was treated to a dance number performed by the BsGirls and Jonte himself! By the way, I think the team thinks that Bs is a good way to shorten Buffaloes. It's written on their hats instead of just a B. They also use it for Bs TV and Bs Time. Anyway, Jonte made the bold decision of painting all of his body except his face gold for no reason. I think it was probably done to match his high heel boots (which none of the girls chose to wear). The song they chose ended in applause which actually made more awkward when the music stopped and there was no one there to cheer.

Mosdo!

Finally, Moss Burger and Mr. Donut have teamed up at long last! Mosdo is another witty combination of the names. You can get rice burgers at Mr. Donut (one with sweet beans and custard) and doughnut burgers at Moss Burger. This commercial shows the French Cruller Wound Chorizo. It's chorizo in a doughnut for only ¥390. I think that's a sign of the apocalypse or something.

Also, it reminds me of the time we made chocolate chip cookies at work. We made just two with chunks of chorizo instead of chocolate and gave those to an Ecuadorian guy we worked with. Everyone sat around saying how delicious the cookies were, and the Ecuadorian guy tried really hard to eat the cookies and be polite. It's funny because it's racist!

Coolish Bra

Peach John has made yet another short film starring AKB48's Haruna Kojima. This one is entitled I Am a Cold Women and is an ad for their "Coolish Bra," a bra designed to keep you cool in the summer. Apparently wind can go through the fabric or something. I, personally, choose not to wear a bra during the summer. Kojima plays some sort of ice princess who kills a bunch of men (I know all the ladies reading this are already thinking, "I've gotta get that bra!") I have to say, this seems super unrealistic. Not even one of the frozen guys is pantless or doing a jerking off gesture or something? Kind of hard to believe. Anyway, it turns out she likes casual guys who don't tie up their bow ties. In the end, Little Red Riding Hood becomes the next ice princess... because she wasn't horrified by the murders? ...Buy... bra... coolish good?

World Peace

Humans have been waging wars for as long as we've existed, and yet I still believe that someday the end of all fighting will occur. Why is this? It's difficult to explain, but perhaps I could share a story with you. It all happened when I was still a young boy. I was walking home from school with a few chums of mine, no doubt discussing whose pogs were indeed the raddest, when we came upon a pile of dirty magazines at the old football field. This, of course, was like finding pirate's gold and changed our lives for the better. When people ask me when I became a man, I do not tell the tale of drunkenly throwing a brick at a cop car, for I became a man long before that on a cool spring day at the old field. And look what I found today.

Look! It's a pile of dirty magazines strewn beside a swing set designed for very young children. Some  kind gentleman..., sorry, that's sexist. Some kind gentleman or gentlewoman that doesn't understand what the internet is did their darndest to help make some men today. But this park is on the other side of the globe from that worn down football field. Don't you see! We're all the same! If only everyone heard this story! How could you use chemical weapons on children when you know they're all capable of growing up to do something great like this! Spread the word!!!!

Hard Spiky Mist

This is from that time I was holding a hot product, "Nudy."