Everything you want to know.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Lord

A: What do you want to name our new technology center?
B: I don't know. I was thinking "Jesus Christ Is My Lord and Savior" has a nice ring.
A: That does seem like an appropriate name for a technology center, but I don't think it would fit on a business card.
B: Oh, peanut farts!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Wait, It's Illegal to Urinate on People?

It's ok for people to watch you, though.
Yomiuri Online reported that a man (22) in Kasuga, Fukuoka has been arrested for urinating on a high school girl. The girl (18) was riding her bicycle home when the man somehow made an awesome (one can assume) surprise piss attack. The man says he's a construction worker. Whistling and howling at women likely wasn't working all that well, so the old "urinate on the passerby" probably seemed like the next logical step. The police had actually already been on the lookout for the man because in the neighboring city of Onojo, he had been witnessed trying to piss on others about ten times since the middle of August. It's been a busy month.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Italians Have Big Noses


This is an ad for Gusto's Southern Italian Fair. Gusto is a family restaurant you can find in almost any town in Japan. The two Japanese guys are the comedy duo Ungirls (meaning not girls?) and they're supposed to look like Italians. You know how Italians always have blond hair and huge noses, right? I mean, we've all seen Pinocchio. Anyway, Italians look stupid and it's funny so you should eat at Gusto.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

If You Can't Steal, Burn?

Even cartoon warning signs didn't stop this "gnarly" dude.
Kochi, Japan has had a burning problem... and it has nothing to do with people's crotches! (To be serious for a second, I'm sure numerous people in Kochi have crotch issues that require medical attention). Yomiuri Online reported that on June 30th someone set six separate fires. On the 26th of this month, the police arrested a man who is suspected of having started at least one of the fires. He is accused of starting fire to a cardboard box full of rags that he placed upon a home's air conditioner at 1:15am. Damage was only done to one exterior wall of the home. The accused dude is a college freshmen and offered this explanation, "I was irritated that I can't rob stuff so I set a fire. Burning stuff was fun." There was no explanation for why he can't rob stuff, but one can assume it has to do with a lack of courage. Perhaps this man was born with a medical condition like "super tiny balls" or something.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Spicy Curry Kaki No Tane

Japanese Food Review #65

Confession time guyz! Um, yeah, there's usually some Kaki No Tane in my house and quite often it's wasabi flavor! It goes well with beer. Kameda brings us this limited summer edition of the snack. I bet when I say, "summer," most of you involuntarily scream, "spicy curry," without even thinking. They're basically the same thing. These weren't actually hot at all, but they did taste like curry and were a tasty treat.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7
  These are as good as the wasabi ones, and though they aren't an amazing snack, they are slightly healthier than chips and complement alcohol well.
Girlbot: 7  They were better than she was expecting.
Overall: 7

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Bicycle Seat Thief


FNN News reported that Joji Kondo (35) was arrested on the 22nd after he was caught stealing three motorized bicycle seats in Yokohama. The value of the three seats was estimated at 18,000 yen. Clearly just another dude trying to make a quick buck in the high stakes world of bicycle seats, right? But when the police searched Mr. Kondo's home, they discovered 197 more seats. All of the seats were leather. Mr. Kondo is clearly a wise man, because he knew exactly what he needed to say. He was quoted as saying, "You can tell which ones women sat on by smelling them. I like the touch and the smell of the leather." The report doesn't say anything about it, but I'm sure the police let him walk after that defense. Actually, another article gave a different quote. It said he likes to smell and lick the seats.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Making Friends

Because I am a genius, it's very difficult for me to socialize with "normals." I often feel lonely and long to "shoot da shit" with my fellow human beings. Luckily, I have discovered that a large number of intellectuals are active on youtube, and I have been able to interact with them. I thought I'd share a few of these stimulating conversations.

This first one is from the candy toilet video I made. In it, I added a surplus of water causing the miniature toilet to overflow with candy foam.

Kathryn: You suppose to use the top part of that rectangle thing to put the water in it not just put how many water you want to hae
Kathryn:  Have
Kathryn: The one with the eyes the top part
Gaybot: Wait, just to be clear, how many water should I put in the one with the eyes?
Kathryn:  Like two scoops lol
Kathryn:  Or 1 either one

Needless to say, we will be friends for life. This next lively conversation comes from my  second candy beer video in which I play the role of a "Johnny B. Kool" type character.

Brandon: Weirdo
Gaybot: Is that a racist slur? Shame on you.
Brandon:  I'm 13 Dumbass
Gaybot:  Call me old-fashioned, but being 13 isn't an excuse for your extreme racism.
Brandon:  Ur still a weirdo to me
Gaybot:  What? I politely explain that you're racist and I'm the weirdo? Unbelievable.
Brandon: Yup

Sometimes two geniuses have a difference of opinion which leads to a fierce debate, but in the end, both genius hearts are still overflowing with respect. Really, what a brilliant move to feign as if he didn't understand the word racist.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Cat Woman

The only thing I find sexier than cats is not having to worry about looking a woman in the eyes.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Babe Alert

Something tells me there's a super cool dude who just loves being alive underneath this costume.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Monkey Business


I've always said I love monkey business...LITERALLY!! This is a bit old, but there's a restaurant in Japan with monkey waiters. You might think I'm going "bananas," but I think enslaving monkeys is "chimply marvelous." You might say that slave labor is the monKEY to a successful business! If you're wife doesn't want to join you at this fine establishment, you can tell her that's fine. You'll just "spank the monkey" or "have sex with a Brazilian prostitute." One problem with the monkey waiter system: the waiter might "throw their own feces in your food." (I love puns.)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Kirin Aki Aji

The major breweries in Japan produce several seasonal beers, and I think my favorite is Aki Aji or Autumn Flavor. Maybe it's just because it has a little more alcohol in it so I don't have to mix it with as much whiskey to "feel right." Anyway, I noticed that stores are already carrying it. Summer is officially over. You can no longer tell women that horrible rash you have is caused by "summer sweats." Think of a new excuse, fellas, and enjoy the taste of autumn.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Toyota Porte


In America I when I see a car commercial I'm usually left wondering why I would want to buy the featured car, but in Japan they do a really good job of letting you know what the car is designed for. Like if you're some sort of bird man who's somehow impregnated a woman, you should probably convince her to drive you around in a Toyota Porte, or something.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Gourmet Doritos: Smoke Bacon

Japanese Food Review #64
The chefs at the Doritos compound have created smoke bacon flavor chips. It should be stressed that these are not smoked bacon Doritos, but are rather the flavor that one could feel in their mind if they literally smoked several pounds of bacon. I'm assuming that smoking bacon has become a popular fad among the youths of Japan much as smoking banana peels or crack cocaine have been in the past. Surprisingly, the concept of inhaling bacon in your lungs tastes very much like bacon indeed, at least according to these particular Doritos chefs.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5.5 These chips were only average, but were fun to try once.
Girlbot: 4 She says they tasted very much like bacon, but she didn't like the flavor.
Overall: 4.75

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Return of Hitler Jr.

Hitler Jr. was back and better than ever. By that I mean that he still walks like a T-rex. I guess he's from some anime called Eagle Talon wherein he attempts and fails to take over the world in each episode. He's not actually called Hitler Jr., but what else could he be? Maybe a nephew or grandchild.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Mug Head

Human A: You can go as anything you want. Just go nuts.
Human B: Umm... I guess I've sort of been into drinking coffee lately.
Human A: Okay, okay. That's something.
Human B: Oh! And I've got a box that fits over my head!
Human A: I'm pretty sure we know who the life of the party is gonna be! Dude, you are the best! I love you!

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

American Noodle: Burger Style

Japanese Food Review #63

 There was such a massive response to the hot dog ramen post that I just had to do a hamburger one as well. Again, the actual flavor of this isn't burger, it's pepper meat. I think we're all overly familiar with the pepper meat flavor, so there's no need to explain anything in this post. I will say, there is actually dehydrated cheese in this cup. That's kind of cool and mostly disgusting.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  It's not horrible, and it tastes more like a cheeseburger than the hot dog one tasted like a hot dog, but, to me, that's actually a bad thing.
Girlbot: 5  She preferred this one, but doesn't think it's great.
Overall: 4.5

Hot dog eeks out a narrow victory.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Young Dragons

I've never claimed that I'm fluent, but I'm pretty sure "young dragons" is Japanese for "flaming homosexuals." I propose that everyone start using the term in their everyday conversations. For example: "Maybe Putin hates young dragons so much because he's afraid to admit there's a little young dragon in himself," or, "I wonder if Jesus really hated young dragons. What do you think Grandma?"

Monday, August 12, 2013

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Dr. of Love

Visual approximation of doctor.
Yomiuri Online reported that a doctor filmed women in a public bathroom. A young doctor (28) in Toyama came up with a brilliant scheme. Last year in December during a large medical check-up, the hospital was employing extra part-time workers. Many of these workers were women, and he devised that they would likely use the employee bathroom at some point. To most of us, these are simply interesting facts, but to this genius doctor, it was an opportunity to enact his perfect plan. He placed a small video camera in the women's bathroom and... I guess that was the end of his plan. Apparently the camera captured the images of several women. Unfortunately, some "feminist" discovered the camera on March 28th. He turned himself in the next day. It's unclear why he left the camera in the restroom for over three months. When questioned about his motives, he said, "I was just curious. I thought I'd check out the video."

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Chaos

I know I can get carried away sometimes, but I'm pretty sure CYbER dYNE is one of the finer studs and leather shops I've patronized in Eastern Asia. It's just got a certain class that a lot of its competitors seem to lack.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Genie

I'm pretty sure my first wish would be for the genie to have some debilitating machine claw appendages.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Mr. Oscar Himself

Imagine the excitement of the crowd when the Tom Hanks made an appearance and made his patented "I'm an idiot" face.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Angel Warrior Lady

At first you think, "Ah, yeah, that's definitely the sexiest woman I've ever seen," but then you see the seductive way she walks because she can't seen through her mask...
and suddenly "sexiest woman in the history of the world" no longer does her beauty justice.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Sunday, August 4, 2013

World Cosplay Summit 2013

The WCS took place this weekend. Today in Osu there was a huge cosplay parade. I'll be sharing some photos of the event throughout the week. Here's a taste. First off, this dude was near the front of the parade, and he really got the crowd pumped up. I think he was the first person to completely stop the parade so he could do a bunch of cool poses.

Then he seemed to remember that he's horribly depressed...
What?! The depression was a total fake out! This dude was still on his game!

This dude rules.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

American Noodle: Hot Dog Style

Japanese Food Review #62

 When you think America, the first thing that probably comes to mind is dehydrated hot dog slices inside a cup ramen container. Nissin has captured the flavor of this American mainstay perfectly. The actual flavor is "hot chili" and it was actually quite spicy. I usually don't buy cup ramen. People often think of it as a meal, but I'm pretty sure it has the same nutritional value as a bag of Doritos and a cup of hot water. Anyway, maybe because I haven't had any cup ramen in years, this was surprisingly not horrible.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5
Girlbot:  4.5 She likes cup ramen and found this to be slightly below average, but still pretty good.
Overall: 4.75

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Good Will

Japanese Good Wills are so much better for dropping acid at than American ones.