Teacher Walks Home in Sneakers...and Nothing Else

Take your clothes off, you fool!

I think this story could be considered a Christmas miracle of sorts. A temporary teacher (that probably means he was hired for a year or less while a full time teacher is on maternity leave or something) was arrested for walking down the road near his home around 2:00 AM wearing nothing but sneakers. Wait, check that... He was also wearing a backpack full of his clothes. The man had a perfectly logical explanation. You see, he had just attended his school's year end party. In Japan, these parties usually involve binge drinking. Apparently this teacher had partaken a little too much in the festivities. So that explains it, right? Just some drunk guy... but no! It seems this teacher had a very good reason for walking in the nude. He told officers that he removed his clothes to sober up. I knew there was a reason I'm always dropping my pants at bars! Let this Christmas miracle be remembered henceforth. I mean, first it was the birth of our lord, and now the discovery of how to sober up quickly. When I think of how many job interviews I ruined just because I didn't know this simple trick! Anyway, I guess getting sober is still against the law in Japan.

Santaman

Here's Santaman in his classic "will he, won't he come out of the closet" pose. Enough kidding aside, it truly is a lovely costume. Also, below "Santaman" it says "Santamaria," so I guess that's the female equivalent. Or Santamaria could be Japanese for Mrs. Claus. You truly learn something new everyday!

Dynamite Boat Race

I know I shouldn't post such an arousing video on this, one of the holiest of all eve's, but I just couldn't help myself, and they are kind of wrapped up like presents. I don't want to bore you with a long explanation. I think we all know that anonymous cat women equals go see a boat race, but I would like to focus your attention a little bit on the saucy red cat. At the end of the commercial you are ordered to guess who she is. I'm pretty sure she's Naomi Watanabe who is perhaps best known for being the Japanese Beyonce. She's also the big boned lady in most Fit's gum commercials. Merry Christmas to one and all!

Juice=Juice -- Don't be spiteful, but embrace me

I've been getting so much mail asking me what Juice=Juice is up to, and I always give the same answer, "Juice=Juice is just being Juice=Juice." I've recently received a few violent threats, so today I'll be giving a more concrete answer. One of the girls' newest songs is entitled Don't be spiteful, but embrace me in English. This is a horrible translation. It should be something like, "Don't be mean. Hold me." Anyway, it marks something of a change in direction for the gals. You'll remember that in their first single Hug me before I ask you to they wore socks symbolizing which type of fruit they were. That seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps the group hasn't been as successful as they were hoping, but the music and their overall style are different as well. I can't really describe it. It's kind of like if a guy was having trouble getting girls to notice him and then decided to take up tap dancing.

Again, there are some questionable lyrics. Some of the members are still in junior high, and they were made to sing:

Hey, what do you like about me.
Hey, touch me.

Maybe those don't sound so bad, but the first line could be translated, "What part of me do you like?" (this could be a physical part or not) and the second line could more accurately be, "Touch me and see." If the girls were writing their own music that would be one thing, but Tsunku (a 45-year-old man) wrote it.

Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger

These dudez are basically the newest Power Rangers in Japan. This time they've got some electric dinosaur. I don't know anything about the show, but Wikipedia says it features samba, so it's probably pretty good. That thing on the left can make Christmas noises, and again the advertisement acts like it's awesome that the head of the dinosaur can come off... just as baby Jesus would have hoped.

Anpanman Christmas Cake

Anpan is a bread filled with sweet red beans. That character in the middle is Anpanman, and his head is that type of bread. On either side are Currypanman (Curry Bread Man) and Shokupanman (Sliced Bread Man). Several other characters are depicted around the cake. Most of the characters are food, but some, like the villian Baikinman (Germ Man), are not. Merry Christmas everyone!

Tsutaya and AKB48

Tsutaya is a movie and music rental chain in Japan (which still exist because there's nothing like Netflix here) and it has just turned 30-years-old! To celebrate the occasion, three members of AKB48 dressed up in sexy Santa outfits and exploded giant phallic symbols together. The lady with the reddish brown hair is Haruna Kojima, star of those magic bra commercials. The two other girls ask her how old she is and she replies with a haughty, "Eh?" Probably most of my readers don't understand why this is a funny joke, so let me try and explain it to you. You see, Ms. Kojima is a woman, and many women would like to keep their age a secret because this can be advantages when searching for potential mates. Women can only reproduce for a fixed period of time, and this fact has many ramifications on societies. One effect is that most males of the species prefer younger females (like when Sir Paul McCartney was banging that young one-legged chick). As it happens, Ms. Kojima appears to be young, but she is in fact 25.

I'll pause a moment while you rinse the vomit out of your mouth.

...

Suffice it to say, she'd be lucky to score with my grandfather, and he's been dead for ten years. That's why the joke in the commercial was so funny.

Kamen Rider Gaim Cake

Little girls everywhere will be happy to know that they can get their very own Kamen Rider Gaim Christmas cake this year. Look, a little action figure comes with the cake,and, get this, the head rotates! Also, you get a little sound making device that says, "Merry Christmas," "Jingle bell," and, "Happy time." The batteries are sold separately. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Kumamon Cake

I can't tell you how much mail I get requesting me to write about the erotic bakery scene in Japan. Yes, it's true that I'm an expert on the subject, but this is just one topic I don't want to cover. I mean, if I publish all my knowledge, suddenly my favorite little bakery is crowded with other erotic cake enthusiasts. Instead, I've decided to take a look at some cakes you could have ordered for Christmas (in Japan you traditionally eat a cake on Christmas Eve).

This is a Kumamon cake. Kumamon is a character from Kumamoto amd kuma means bear.

 As you can see, it's a traditional "face cake." It's just a chocolate dome, and they give you some plastic pieces to make Kumamon's face. Nothing says Christmas like enjoying the sweet, sweet innards of a bear's face.

Keep reading all week for more Christmas cake news.

Santa-san

I think there was some study that people get depressed during the holidaze because they don't hear enough Christmas songs. Well, Momo Clover Z is here to help with their song "Santa-san." It's a couple of years old, but it will still help you celebrate the birth of our lord and savior. It's got of ton of great ideas, like treating each other like Christmas trees, locking someone in the fridge while caroling, hitting all your friends in the face with Christmas cakes (hilarious), and, or course, Christmas hog piles. Also, I'm guessing this song holds the record for the most times "Santa" is said in a song since the chorus is his name over and over (quite catchy).

The Walkman Is Back

Leader: Okay guyz, for some reason the Walkman isn't consider to "be jammin" by today's youth. How are we gonna right this ship?

Short Legs: Well, according to our research, a lot of young people "are into" music, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe our product can be used for hearing music?

Leader: No, I should have made that clear. Everybody, did you get that? The Walkman can be used to play music while walking.

Short Legs: So, um, maybe we could use some cool music?

Leader: Intriguing. Any ideas on what music we could use?

Four Eyes: Ahh, my little sister is always listening to this song "I Love Rock N Roll."

Leader: Your sister is in her 50s, right?

Short Legs: Is that that Weird Al song about ice cream?

Four Eyes: No, it's that Joan Jett song about having sex with a 17-year-old boy.

Leader: Oh, having sex with 17-year-old boys is still cool, right?

Short Legs: It's just one of those things that never goes out of style...

Leader:...Like the Walkman! Looks like we've got our commercial gentleman, unless anyone has any better ideas.

Rico: Actually, I stayed up all last night working on...

Leader: Okay, just to be clear, my stomach is growling for a popcorn break right now, so whatever you say better be good enough to justify keeping my tummy from getting the yummy goodness it deserves.

Rico: ...No...I was just working on how...I think we need more popcorn breaks...and we should have one now...and...

Leader: Great minds think alike, Rico!

Kagome Ketchup Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #76

Kagome makes the most popular ketchup in Japan, and they've finally teamed up with Calbee to make a chip I might not have to dip in ketchup (or I could go for double the ketchup). This chip really did taste just like ketchup and somehow managed to not be awful. It could have been renamed McDonald's fries flavor, and I would've bought it. So, it's like eating fast food fries, but worse.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4.5 Again, surprisingly ok.
Girlbot: 7  She says she would be fine with buying them again someday. Apparently that earns them a 7.
Overall: 5.75

Porn Box

The top script reads, "This postbox is for adult magazines. Don't put garbage or newspapers in it.” The bottom explains that they'll also take porno books and DVDs. They seem to have forgotten to add, "Seriously, only your premo porn!" These boxes are found at some train stations in Gifu. I guess they think people will give up their porn and that will make the community better. A couple of thoughts:

1. If this did persuade you to give up your porn, why would you want to throw it away in the porn box in front of all the other train passengers, or would you just stand near the box until there's no one at the station?
2. If you're a kid who hasn't figured out how to watch porn on the internet, I bet you could figure out how to stick your arm into the local porn box at the station.

Turtle

One of my neighbors has a large turtle that is often trying to escape from the 2nd story balcony. I don't have to go to the zoo to see depressed animals anymore!

Daily Foods

People often wonder how Japanese people seem to stay so healthy. I tend to believe that the secret is the culture's emphasis on the importance of eating daily foods. These are the foods that you absolutely must eat everyday to stay healthy. You know, foods like milk, fruit yoghurt, butter, cheese, Gouda cheese, Camembert cheese, Edam cheese, cheese slicer, etc.

Kyary's ALOOK CM

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is in a new commercial for ALOOK glasses. Kyary's wearing a dress made of glasses and is starring alongside a goat in some sort of a wasteland (talk about every guyz sexual fantasy). The slogan at the end of the ad is ミレ　ミラレル or, "see, be seen." I think that, "see a goat, be seen by a goat," makes way more sense, but apparently it was too long. The ALOOK website explains that while it's true that glasses have become fashionable, most glasses look alike. There's a wide variety of clothing and hairstyles, so why isn't the same true for glasses? ALOOK's glasses will help you express your identity to the world. So... what kind of person are you? A neon green type of guy? No? Oh, so you're more into neon pink? No? Wait...so what kind of neon color are you into? Huh? Neon brown? I've never heard...wait...just brown? I get it. Have fun conforming with your brown glasses you fascist! Get out of our store!

KFC Christmas 2013

As I sort of promised you in my insightful piece on Lotteria's Merry Xmas package, today we will be looking at KFC's Christmas specials.

The two main packages will run you about $40 a piece. The only difference between the two is that the top one offers 8 pieces of original chicken, while the bottom only offers 4 originals and 6 chicken tenders. You also get a plate, a cake, and a salad (yuck) with chicken on top (yum?). If you want people to think you're classy, but you still really want KFC, you can choose from their special menu.

They offer a roasted breast (already hilarious) filled with shrimp-mushroom-cheese crean. Wait, but know shrimp dogs? Lotteria wins again.

Milky Cookies Review

Japanese Food Review #75

Milky is a brand of milk flavored taffy. That might sound weird/disgusting, but they're actually quite good. Still, it's not a flavor I would expect to translate well in cookie form. I just recently noticed these cookies in the local supermarket. Below Milky, it says "sabure" which means "sablé" (I guess that's a French shortbread). At the bottom of the box a message informs us that they have a half-cooked texture. Indeed, the cookies were of the softer variety and tasted like fake cookie dough. The outer ring is not delicious, but it's fine. The center, while still clearly being a cookie, was very sweet and soft and tasted way to much like the taffy version of Milkys.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5 I considered giving them a four because they're edible, but I will definitely never purchase them again.
Girlbot: 2 She only ate half a cookie.
Overall: 2.75

The Sun Lounge

If you want to look cool like these folks, just head to The Sun Lounge. I'm not sure where you can get one of those stylish crotch stars, but you could try asking the front desk.

Mottai Nightland Christmas

I think a lot of people get caught up in materialism. This time of the year you can't avoid questions like, "Whose pants are tightest around the ankles?" and, "Which video game has the most graphics?" But it's things like the above video that remind us of what this season is all about. From the golden unicorn that visited baby Jesus to those little ghost men acting like snow, this commercial tugs at the heart. I'm just going to call it like I see it. If you watched this and had even one dry eye by the end, I can deduce that you belong to some fake religion. Am I right?

Whisper Pure Hada

I've been getting a lot of e-mails from readers asking about Japanese sanitary napkins. Many of you are particularly interested in how they are marketed. A couple of thoughts on these requests:

1. I'm disgusted by you.
2. I'll do anything for my readers, and, God help me (I'm sure this is some sort of a sin), but I'm going to write a little about the subject. Let's look at the commercial for one brand, Whisper Pure Hada:

First off, hada means skin, so I guess they're guaranteeing that they can cure your horrible rashes. Also, I love the symbolism of the pink frogs (let's just say that if it were that time of the month for Dr. Spock, the frogs might be a lighter green). The big sell here is that the napkin is so absorbent that not only are your unspeakable liquids sucked up, but so are all of the terrible odors! Now you get why it's called "Whisper," right? I mean, it's not completely silent, but it's quiet compared to most women's traditional odor removal tactics (power vacuums, maracas, etc.). In the song they promise the smell will go to zero (the frogs say double zero). Furthermore, the day's worries will go to zero (typical women, no worries in the world other than the strong stench wafting from their bodies).

Stride Gum Hard Case

Boss Man: Ok, guys, we're introducing a new hard case with more than twice as many pieces of gum inside. Any ideas on how we can move some units?

Employee 1: ...ah...move units...?

Boss Man: Yes, basically can you think of a way to make this product appealing so people want to purchase it.

Employee 1: Oh, right...Well, maybe we start with some sort of an ape man...

Employee 2: Why do you have an ape man in everyone of your pitches?

Boss Man: Hear him out.

Employee 1: Well, maybe he eats a piece of gum...

Boss Man: Brilliant.

Employee 1: And then he transforms into a man with a huge head of hair that... is shaped like a giant pack of gum.

Boss Man: I'm not often moved to tears, but...

Employee 2: I don't really get it. Is the hair like hanging off the side of his head or what?

Employee 1: He's floating in space you idiot!

Boss Man: What's with the negative attitude, Employee 2? And another thing, your breath smells like horse crap!

Employee 2: It's Sam, and I've already said several times that there appears to be quite a bit of some sort of animal feces smeared in the carpet of this room.

Employee 1: (In a very comical voice) "It's the carpet, not all that horse crap I ate for lunch." (Returning to his normal speaking voice) Ah, ever heard of a toothbrush?

Boss Man: (Chuckles) OMG, Employee 1, you've just earned yourself a raise.

Employee 1: Thank you so much, Boss Man.

End scene

Mie Tourism

Mie, a prefecture in central Japan, only has a couple true tourist spots. There's Ise Shrine and the pilgrimage trail to the shrine, Kumano Kodo, and that's about it. Perhaps the race track in Suzuka sometimes draws tourists, but other areas have trouble getting visitors. For example, why would anyone want to go to Yokkaichi?

1. There's a Santa love hotel near the station.
2. You can try to discover where that strange smell is coming from.
3. ...

A bit of a problem if you're working on the Mie tourist board, isn't it? Luckily, some genius assigned mascots to each area of Mie:

Most of the mascots are a type of food made in a certain area. "Wait, they have tomatoes there? Cancel are honeymoon in Thailand!" I'm pretty sure that's how it works.

Momoiro Clover Z Q-tips

Have you ever been annoyed that you can't support your favorite band through your choice of cotton swabs? Well, Momoiro Clover Z is changing all of that. You can buy a 5 pack for ¥500 with a color representing each member. Which of the girls will you choose first to clean out your ears. And who will have have the honor of being stuck up your constipated baby's anus? That's for you to decide!

Labor Thanksgiving Day (Nov. 23)

Today, Saturday, was Labor Thanksgiving Day (勤労感謝の日) in Japan. Before the end of WWII, the holiday was a harvest festival known as Niiname-sai. Then, at the urging of the U.S. (at least according to the Japanese Wikipedia page), the holiday was changed to Labor Thanksgiving Day (apparently with the idea being to combine the two American holidays of Labor Day and Thanksgiving into one). Now it's just a public holiday, and other than not having to work, little is done to celebrate the day. This year the holiday fell on a Saturday. Some companies require employees to work on Saturdays, so those employees were given the day off, but basically everyone else gets screwed out of a national holiday. What a great way to celebrate all the hard labor the citizens are doing, by letting them have Saturday off. On a side note, when a holiday falls on a Sunday, people are given Monday off.

Lotteria Merry Xmas

While people in America are wasting their time thinking about what to prepare for Thanksgiving, the Japanese are festively making reservations to eat fast food fried chicken on Christmas Eve. Most restaurants ask that you place your order buy the end of November. I know a lot of readers out there are too busy to look at advertisements themselves, so I've decided to place this unpaid advertisement on The Gaybot Times as a service to you. Lotteria has changed their menu slightly this year. They are still offering boneless chicken and juicy chicken pieces, but the french toast has been replaced by raisin danishes (a very risky move), and the pigs in a blanket have been replaced by ebi-dogs (think stick docks but with ebi instead of hot dogs. Also, ebi means shrimp). It appears Lotteria is taking a step backwards this year, though the 2 packets of Heinz Ketchup is a nice touch. Will one of Lotteria's competitors offer a more scrumptious menu? Check back soon to see if I remember to write about that!

JA Bank

You know how a squirrel's life depends on its ability to save food for the winter, right? Well that's why a giant squirrel is the perfect mascot for opening a savings account. JA Bank has made several squirrel based ads (the one above is the best in my opinion). Each ad ends with the slogan, "This winter save money at JA." Now you understand why 12 giant squirrels are dancing on the moon. Maybe you want to check out some other ads that make sense:



Too cute for you? Try another version:

There are 19 of these if you hunger for more.

Sheena Ringo - Netsuai Hakkaku Chu

Ringo Sheena is already a pretty strange musician, but her latest song and video are a new brand of weird for her. She teamed up with Yasutaka Tanaka of Capsule (also the guy who writes Perfume's and Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's songs). The song sounds much more like Capsule than Ringo Sheena, and Ringo, who normally doesn't dance, busts out some moves I'll for sure be making part of my repertoire.

I haven't figured out a good translation for the title, but it literally means, "detecting passionate love." In the video, the paparazzi (or something) kill Ringo, and then another Ringo (the lover of the first Ringo?) murders a bunch of people. The highlight comes at 2:50 when she throws 2 ninja stars that make 4 slices across some dude's face. Also, there are 6 Ringos dancing and singing. Enjoy.

$25,000 Stolen from Widow

Visual approximation of woman.

A farm working woman (65) in Chikusei, Ibaraki experienced a wacky, unlucky series of events. First, her husband died (that's not funny). In Japan, people give large gifts of money to the family of the deceased when attending funerals. This woman did what we'd all do: put the ¥2,500,000 (about $25,000) she received in a paper bag and put it in a coin locker at the funeral home when she attended her husband's funeral. Then she made a couple common mistakes (I think we've all had this experience).

1. She forgot to lock the locker.
2. She forgot that she'd put $25,000 in the locker.

It seems that the fact she'd placed the money in the locker on the morning of the 10th slipped her mind until the evening of the 15th. On the morning of the 16th she called the funeral home... and some monster had stolen the money! What an unlucky lady! What's next? Is she going to smell bad because she forgot not to smear rat droppings in her hair? Stay tuned!

Source: Yomiuri Online

Pizzana Review

Japanese Food Review #74

 I'm what you might call a "human that enjoys pizza." So under normal circumstances I would be excited to hear that Meiji has developed a pizza snack using a new technology. The problem is that this technology is call "sauce in snack," and the sauce on the cover appears to be strawberry jam. I asked Girlbot how she thought they'd be. She said that they would be better than you would think (this seems to be a strange thing to say when I ask you what you think it will taste like). She predicted a 6. Thankfully, the actual snack did not match the image on the bag.

It looked and tasted more like soggy bread.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 2 The actual flavor was fine, but "sauce in snack" is as gross as you would expect.
Girlbot: 3 They were worse than she was expecting. She thought the outside cracker should have been harder.
Overall: 2.5

No need to try these, dear readers.

Ice Cream

Will: I was just thinking about how cool that is that the "messenger of happiness" is also the symbol of ice cream.
Bill: Wait, I thought it was the angel.
Will: Um, same difference noodle brain. (audible chuckle) What is your brain made of noodles or something?
Bill: Come on, you know it's not!
Will: Hmm, I'm kind of hungry for spaghetti... Oh hey! Maybe I should cut open your head and eat your brains cause it's probably spaghetti or something!
Bill: I will murder you with a wrench!

End Scene

Caramel Pudding Yukimi Daifuku

Japanese Food Review #73

Yukimi Daifuku is a brand of ice cream mochi. One of their special flavors is custard ice cream with a caramel center (that's what the standard pudding is in Japan). Another fun fact: The Japanese word for pudding is purin. There's you Japanese lesson for the day. It's no secret that I'm a big fan of Yukimi Daifuku and find eating it to be a nearly erotic experience (at least part of that wasn't a secret). This flavor was good, but I still prefer the standard vanilla and last year's cheesecake flavor to this.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6.5 It was kind of fun, but I don't need to eat it again.
Girlbot: 10 First off, Girlbot is super into this type of pudding. Secondly, this was better than she was expecting because the caramel was quite bitter and not really sweet. If it had been sweet, it would have ruined the mochi. Just to point out, she gave the cheesecake flavor a 10 as well.
Overall: 8.25

Cheers with Dad

This is an old commercial for Qoo, a fake orange juice aimed at children. This ad encourages you to drink Qoo while your dad drinks a beer before bed.

Firefighting

This poster is telling us to put fire detectors in our homes. The bottom caption reads, "We're all heroes!" I like how the firefighters are wearing effeminate scarves and know karate (Girlbot says he's just doing a cool pose and it's not karate. Also, they are cute and in no way funny).

Find the Toilets

I've been blessed because two buildings are being torn down near The Gaybot Times offices. And lucky for you, we've invented a new game. It's called "Find the Toilets in the Wreckage" (I don't know, that's a working title, but it's pretty catchy). How many toilets can you find in the photo above? Too easy? Here's another angle that's a bit more difficult:

This second one might be impossible.

Hint:
There are three in the top photo and four in the second. Have fun searching!

Hopefully some more building with multiple toilets will be destroyed so we can play another round.

Ham Burglar Done in by Saliva

It was the perfect disguise... if it weren't
for that mouth hole that allows licking.

Katsuhiko Iwamoto (60) was arrested last August for burglarizing 27 restaurants and coffee shops between December and June. He stole money, of course, but also raided the refrigerators. On at least 7 occasions he made himself a meal before fleeing. He enjoyed ham, gyozya, etc. In all, he stole ¥2,000,000 worth of items (about $20,000). At one establishment, he made fried bean sprouts. Up to this point you're probably thinking, "Wow, cool, this guy is a modern day Robin Hood..., or something. I wonder if he wears a green pancho?" But here's where the story takes a turn for the worse. Turns out this man has no manners at all, and he didn't even do the dishes. Because of this, investigators were able to secure DNA from the spit he slobbered all over the utensils and plate he used. This ended up being his downfall. The unemployed man wined, "I don't have any money and I was hungry." One can assume the judge retorted,"Sorry, but I don't understand filthy pig language. Can we get a translator in here?"

 Source: Yomiuri Online

Patriotic Elephant

It's amazing to think that Japan, a country that had already developed the technology of "elephant mind control," somehow lost WWII.

English Lesson: Stick Docks

I think I can safely assume that a large percentage of my readers are Japanese attempting to study English. I write about the culture they know and love in a "hip" or "gnarly" way. That might all sound a little technical, but to put it in layman's terms, they read The Gaybot Times so they can learn how to be "b-b-b-bad to the bone" like me. Hopefully this will be the first of many English lessons. Today we will learn how to use the popular phrase "stick docks."

Stick docks are a wildly popular food in the West, so the phrase may simply refer to the foodstuff most people consume daily. However, it is also used heavily in business.

Example:

Business Human 1: How is business with those new goods you have been telling the humans at our office so much about.

Business Human 2: Oh, those goods are selling like stick docks.

Note: Business Human 2 may or may not wink towards the end of that statement.

 This concludes the first lesson. Let me know if you have any questions. Oh, and don't forget to keep studying... that is if you want to make the big stick docks! (wink)

Stew Popsicle Review

Japanese Food Review #72

Gari Gari is a type of cheap popsicle in Japan. It's a normal popsicle on the outside and chunky on the inside (it's supposed to be like a snow cone). Normally the flavors are sweet, but last year they made a corn pottage flavor popsicle, and this year we have a stew one. It should be pointed out that stew, pronounced shi-chew in Japanese, is almost always a white cream based stew in Japan. The package boasts that there are real potatoes inside.

First I licked the outside. It was sweeter than I expected. It was almost vanilla ice cream flavor, but then there was a fairly gross stew aftertaste. I bit in. It was not good, but clearly it was edible. Another bite. Hit a potato chunk. Pretty disgusting. It was a real potato, and it was soft, which means there's some weird chemical keeping it soft in the freezer. I took one more bite. Got a couple more potato chunks. Decided that was enough. I ran it under some water. Of course many of the chunks fell away, but you can see that there were a lot of sizable hunks of potato.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 2 It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, but it still shouldn't exist.
Girlbot: 3 She agrees that it's not that bad, but she can't eat it. She took one bite, seemed pleasantly surprised and said, "Hmm, it's very bad."
Overall: 2.5

Cat Piss

I've been seeing a bunch of cool handmade signs about urine lately. This one was at the zoo near some leopard cages. It reads, "PEE sometimes flies out, so be careful!!" One, I didn't know leopards were that awesome at urinating (it would have to fly at least 5 feet to get you), and two, this means at least one person has been pissed on by a leopard at the Nagoya zoo.

Pumpkin Haagen-Dazs Review

Japanese Food Review #71

 The "Pumpkin Flavored Treat Spooky Fun Challenge" rages on. Today, Haagen-Dazs is presenting a pumpkin (actually squash) flavor ice cream. There were actually little chunks of squash in it, and it did taste like sweet, milky squash.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  I like squash, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather have normal squash with vanilla ice cream (though I've never tried that)
Girlbot: 8 She said it wasn't as good as their purple potato ice cream. Still, she wanted to give this a 9 (same score as the potato one), but I convinced her she should probably lower the score.
Overall: 6.5

Not the strongest Haagen-Dazs, but it was still victorious.

Brain Reading Camera

This product was created by the Neurowear, the same company that brought us Necomimi (brain controlled cat ears) and a brain controlled tail. You should probably watch a bit of those if you haven't. This product requires that you wear your i-phone on your head (I'm already loving it), reads your brainwaves, and records things it thinks you enjoy. Later you can look at what you enjoyed. It would really help me, like, "Oh, I really liked looking at the floor while drinking whiskey. I'll have to try that again. I would have never remembered that." The product ranks how much you like things from 0 to 100 and records things that score above 60. If you actually watch the video, you can see that the meter is constantly flying all over the place. It will hit 61 and be in the 30s in less than 2 seconds. It's as if this machine doesn't really work, or perhaps that woman was flooded with conflicting emotions when she saw that picture of fireworks.

Pumpkin Pudding Kit Kat Review

Japanese Food Review #70

 In honor of Hallow's Eve, this week The Gaybot Times is holding a "Pumpkin Flavored Treat Spooky Fun Challenge." Just like in the potato challenge, there are only two entrants. Nestle created the first entrant. Kit Kat is celebrating this most holy of holidaze by creating a flavor that symbolizes a treat we all know and love: green jack-o-lantern filled with pumpkin pudding that magically doesn't ooze out of the eyes and mouth. I would normally call that a squash, but I guess Japan follows Australian English in this instance and green things are also pumpkins. Like most flavored Kit Kats, it's made with flavored white chocolate. It was very sweet, I'd say creamy (puddingy?), and had a bit of a squash taste to it.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  It was interesting, but in the end it was too sweet, and it's difficult to say if it tasted like pumpkin pudding since I don't know what that is.
Girlbot: 3  She said it smelled like a pumpkin, but it tasted like plain white chocolate. I vehemently disagree.
Overall: 4

Will the other snack also not be very good. Check back soon for the exciting conclusion!
 

Wait... Don't Publicaly Urinate?

This classy sign is on the wall of a Yoshinoya parking lot. It reads, "Standing and urinating is prohibited." First off, I guess I've been urinating all wrong. Apparently I'm supposed to put my arms on my back, and there's no reason I shouldn't smile. Also, I have no idea why they want us to crouch while urinating on this wall. Despite this, I call on all good citizens to make handmade signs instructing us on the dos and don'ts of the urination process.

Trick or Loft

Every year the department store Loft makes a Halloween theme song. This one is amazing. Dare I say it's better than the 2011 song? This has got to be played at every Halloween party this year.

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Mottai-Nightland

You may remember a bit of this song from the AU commercial it was featured in. It combines the Japanese term "mottainai" (meaning "what a waste") with the extremely common English phrase "Nightland." So that pretty much explains why Kyary transforms into a dog and craps strawberry ice cream. Other than that, this is pretty much a rip off of Super Mario Bros. 2.

As usual, her lyrics are gibberish. The chorus is basically:
Because it's a waste, because it's a waste, 
I think of my dreams and cry.
Because it's a waste, because there's not enough,
I do mean things.

It's amazing how much those lyrics and the video perfectly capture the "nightland" in my head. Again, I should probably mention that I'm suicidal.
 

Hamsters

I guess the old saying, "Japanese hamsters are totally insane," really is true.

My Husband's Girlfriend

Everyone knows that American television is stale and old. Well thank gosh for the creative minds of the Japanese. This new drama is coming out tomorrow looks wonderful. It's called 夫のカノジョ (otto no kanojo) or Husband's Girlfriend. It's about a 39-year-old housewife who mistakenly thinks her husband is having an affair with a 20-year-old at his office. Already sounds super interesting, right? But then, through a magical twist, the wife and young woman switch bodies! Where do they come up with this stuff!? It's pretty much every male's fantasy of a woman who has your wife's body but the mind of a random 20-year-old girl (way easier to beat at strip poker, etc.). You can see on the poster above that the dad is really upset, but also excited at the prospect of a very unusual Ménage à trois. The little boy in the corner is saying, "Which one's mama?" And the wife is doing the cartoon version of girl angry which is very common on Japanese television.

Heparize W Hyper

I think this is a product for all those business men who gave up their dream of being a gay actor on Broadway. It's a drink that you should have after consuming a large amount of alcohol. You know, one of those drinks with turmeric and liver extract. In Japan, there's usually a large selection of these at any convenience store. I know they're supposed to help you avoid getting a hangover. I'm guessing this one is also supposed to help your liver (that's why there's a cute liver on the bottle maybe).

They're singing about how they're going home, and then the people inside ask them if they have Heparize. Then they drink it and that guy makes an awesome sound. The end.

Country Ma'am Yaki Imo Review

Japanese Food Review #69

First off, yes, it's hilarious that this is the 69th review. Secondly, we're all super excited about the conclusion of "Potato Dessert Challenge Week." I'm sure you remember that Haagen-Daz Murasaki Imo received an outstanding 8.5 overall rating. How will Country Ma'am's entrant fare? You'll have to look a couple of inches below to find out! It's no secret that I enjoy a good Country Ma'am cookie. This is one of their autumn limited edition flavors. Yaki imo literally means "cooked potato," but actually they're baked sweet potatoes. Again, the cookies really did taste like sweet potatoes. The package has instructions for heating the cookies in the microwave or toaster oven. I ignored this and ate them at room temperature. I apologize if this unfairly affected the results.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7.5  They were quite good, but they didn't feel as unique as the ice cream.
Girlbot: 6  She says they were good but not great. She also said eating them made here think, "Fall has arrived."
Overall: 6.75

A  valiant effort by Country Ma'am, but in the end, Haagen-Daz was just too much for Japanese cookie makers.

Pocket Album

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I find that's true especially when the words are gibberish pouring out of a madman.

Haagen-Dazs Murasaki Imo Review

Japanese Food Review #68

There's been a lot of buzz about how it's "Potato Dessert Challenge Week." I regret to inform you that there were only two entries this year, but I assure you that they are both strong competitors. First up is this murasaki imo ice cream. Murasaki means purple. Imo means potato. It's just a type of purple sweet potato. The ice cream really did taste like murasaki imo. Of course it was sweeter and creamier than the real potato. It was quite good, and I've always said we don't put enough purple things inside our body.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 8 I wouldn't give it such a high rating if it were around all the time, but it was a unique treat that you should try if you have the chance.
Girlbot: 9 She punished it for being too expensive (more than twice as expensive as normal ice cream), but on taste alone, she would have given it a 10.
Overall: 8.5

 This is going to be tough to beat. What will happen next!

Wally Cook

I find it's best to always keep the customer wondering whether the name of your creation cuisine restaurant is "Wally Cook" or "Wally Cock."

Life in the Future

Check out this link. It's an artist's concept of life in the future. It was made in 1969 and is predicting what the world would be like in 1989. The drawing is called "Computer Life." I mean, they got the clothes right, and they also got the fact that we'll all be Caucasian right, but they made a few mistakes. We don't have hovercrafts, or kitchen robots, or specialized family finances computers. I guess now we have TV phones, and automated vacuums, and we sort of have 3D TVs. When will we finally get automated irons? What a great idea.

Link Trash Bag

Here are some things that you might enjoy looking at.

Calbee, perhaps best known for their potato chips, made some awesome ads starring a human-dog. There's also this soccer one that I don't like quite as much.

It was probably bad news for Fukushima Co. (a refrigerator company based in Osaka) that the word "Fukushima" became synonymous with nuclear waste. Well, problem solved thanks to the company's new character, Fukuppy. In case you were wondering, Fukuppy was born in a refrigerator. Also, he/she doesn't know his/her gender yet... because he/she's just an egg silly!(It's not because nuclear waste has affected his/her genitalia.)

Did you know a band called Ass'n'aRRow existed?

The new Caplico commercials are worth checking out.

Red Shoes

Human A: I'm sure you're all aware that the new theme for our color photo album books is "red shoes." Obviously we're gonna get a dog wearing a hat to stand behind some, what else, red shoes. And yes, the slogan will be something like, "These shoes are just the right size for me." But here's the kicker: some of the background will be the same color as the font so it will be really difficult to read! It's like a metaphor for being human, or struggle, or something!

Human B: Sir, can I just say you better hope you don't get crucified...

Human A: Wha.. wha... what!?

Human B: ...because you're a modern day Jesus! Bravo sir!

Seal Show

I think most people don't take the time to consider how "radical" a seal show on another planet would be. I mean, of course the other planet has to have random basketball hoops built into to their mountains for it to be super awesome.

Kyary's Toothpaste Commercial

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu and Ora² have finally teamed up. The slogan is, "Brushing your teeth is like making yourself shine." The special Kyary toothpaste site has a really weird poem about brushing your teeth. Also, you can get some app for your phone to make your photos cute if you buy the toothpaste.

When Kyary brushes the giant cartoon tooth in the commercial, and little message pops up in the corner telling us its only an image. They're basically admitting the commercial isn't completely based in reality.

Get Rich Quick: Monkey Business Edition

Maybe they should be stared at their eyes.

We all know the famous saying, "Monkey see you, monkey hump you," but, "Monkey see you, monkey bite you?" Now I've heard everything. Between August 28th and September 7th 18 people were bitten by wild monkeys in Hyuga, Miyazaki. You're probably thinking, "So what? I alone was bitten by a similar amount of animals during that time period," and I hear you, but here's where the story gets interesting. Through a combination of donations and money from the government, each of the victims was awarded ¥20,000. That's about $200! So the get rich quick scheme goes like this:

1. Somehow go to Hyuga.
 2. Find a band of monkeys.
3. Stare them in the eyes (or throw rocks or something).
4. Collect your check.
5. Make a wise investment (let your money make you money).

There seems to be another scheme involving monkeys. In the same city a group of wild monkeys made their way into a vacated home. The fire department was called in to deal with the monkeys (if you can deal with fire, you can for sure handle monkeys). Some walls were damaged by the firemen (again, you deal with fire and monkeys in the same exact way: chopping walls). The owner of this house was given ¥360,000 (or about $3,600) in compensation. So the other get rich quick scheme is pretty much like the first one, but step one is now, "Own an abandoned house in Hyuga," and step three is, "Release band in home."

Source: Yomiuri Online

Taiwan Ramen Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #67

 Apparently Taiwan ramen doesn't exist in Taiwan. It was invented by a Taiwanese guy in Nagoya. The original shop, Misen, is right next to Imaike Station, though you can now get it all over Nagoya. It's ramen with green onions, a ton of chili pepper, garlic, and ground pork. Though the Japanese usually don't prefer hot food, this ramen is legitimately spicy. So thank god Koikeya has finally made a Taiwan ramen potato chip.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 4 There was a little garlic and a little meat flavoring, but mostly it was just chili pepper. The soup is good, but it's not my favorite ramen. This is much worse.
Girlbot: 2.5 She really likes the ramen, and this was not as good as she was expecting.
Overall: 3.25

Kyary's Smart Value AU CM

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is back with another classic commercial. This time the guy in charge of putting stuffed animals in Kyary's hair asks her if she's enrolled in the "smart value" plan. She doesn't know that this is in reference to AU's plan that saves you $15 a month, so a bunch of ghosts with the symbol モ (mo) for noses appear. To the layman this may seem strange, but of course the mo stands for mottainai, or "what a waste". Goriki and the others become worried when Kyary doesn't leave the dressing room. Turns out she's just dancing with the ghosts and singing her new single Mottainai Dorando. She's saying, "Because it's a waste, because it's a waste I think of my dreams and cry." That's the kind of message most cell phone companies want associated with their product. I don't know why they don't add the catch phrase, "Kill yourself."

Fuyu Monogatari

Fuyu Monogatari or "The Winter's Tale" is now in stores. It's Sapporo's limited edition winter beer they put out every year. It's okay. Tastes quite a bit like their normal beer. Just thought everyone should know that winter has begun.

Babymetal Live Legend I D Z

It's common knowledge that BABYMETAL is the future of music, but as it turns out, "The legend of the trilogy was written in the book of the fox apocalypse." Who woulda thunk it, huh? This video starts out with a really confusing (but awesome intro) and then shows clips of a live show. I think I actually have to go to one now.

To Become a Boat

The "Battle of 6" boat race girls are back, and this time they're getting a bit metaphorical. The red cat says, "I want to feel a boat with my whole body." Of course we've all had this thought, and I have a theory that these thoughts increase when I'm wearing one of my sexing cat uniforms. The blue cat asks, "How would you do that?" Ah, yes, reality has once again stepped in the way of man's ancient desire to truly feel a boat, not just with our hands, or feet, or skin for that matter, but to have it be a part of us. The red cat says, "Like this," and magically jumps inside the boat. Indeed, "possible" and "impossible" are simply man made constructs. If we become "sexy cat women" anything is possible. So obviously the cats are humanity in this metaphor. The boat is probably Mechagodzilla or something. The driver might be my mom. I'm not sure about that one.

Drink Vinegar

I'm pretty sure that if you drink just one more cup of vinegar than you normally do a day, you'll be much healthier. Or, for sure your body will change somehow.

Uni Sex

The other fragrance bags the 100 yen shop offered were all floral and fruit scents. I chose Uni Sex because I love big cities (especially the smells). It turns out uni sex might be translated as "sweaty cologne guy" or something.