Uni Sex

The other fragrance bags the 100 yen shop offered were all floral and fruit scents. I chose Uni Sex because I love big cities (especially the smells). It turns out uni sex might be translated as "sweaty cologne guy" or something.

National Treasure No Longer Wreaks

This moat does not currently smell awful.

Matsumoto Castle in Nagano Japan is one of four castles designated as a national treasure. Here are some fun facts about the castle:

1. It was completed in the 16th century.

2. It is known as the crow castle because of its black exterior.

3. A horrible stench comes from the moat.

Wait a second! There are now only two fun facts because the stench is gone. Pumps were used to remove 100 tons of mud from the moat. The smell is gone and the water is also clearer. Apparently many castles in Japan have this problem because of the stagnant water. Many moats have carp in them with the hope that the fish will clean the water, but this method is not very effective. Other castles throughout Japan may employ this new strategy.

Source: Yomiuri Online
Image: MOILIP (from Wikipedia)

Mummified Body in Home Found

Will the mummies walk amongst us again?

A mummified body was discovered in the home of a family in Miyazaki on the 27th. According to police, the body could be that of the owner of the house who was believed to be in his 80s. The man lived with his wife and daughter. A member of a neighborhood council visited the home on the 16th with the purpose of honoring the man for living a long life by giving him a gift. The council member was unable to see the man and reported this to the city. This police got involved and eventually found the mummified remains under a tarp in the bed of a tatami room.

This is a problem that sometimes occurs in Japan. Families don't report a death in order to continue to collect benefits from the government. Still, it would be unwise to jump to any conclusions just yet. Perhaps the mother and daughter are huge Brendan Fraser fans (who among us isn't) and were hoping to inspire another movie in the mummy series. The police have said nothing yet concerning this issue.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Fit's Shiro-Kuma Gum

Japanese Gum Review #11

Lotte's newest gum is shiro-kuma (meaning polar bear) flavor, thus the super cute bear face package (I think we're all aware that polar bears and cats have nearly identical faces other than the sizes of their noses, so they can be drawn the same way). When the piece of gum hit my taste buds, I was instantly repulsed. This tasted nothing like raw polar bear meat. It turns out it's some sort of sundae flavor or something. The package says that fruit, azuki (sweet red beans), and condensed milk flavorings were used. But the flavor is just the tip of the polar bear dick, as they say.

There are instructions on how to make a polar bear.
Step 1: Chew delicious gum!
Step 2: Wrap gum in wrapper!
Step 3: You made me!
In my opinion, you can pretty much skip step 3 and it will turn out pretty much the same way.

Looks like my entire family is getting polar bears for Christmas this year.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 6
Girlbot: 6
Overall: 6

Halloween Mr. Donut

Golden Bomber and Mister Donut are back together at long last. This time they're promoting the traditional Halloween donuts we all know and love. The lyrics to the song are, "henshin shichao, Halloween." Basically it means, "Go and change, Halloween." So the members of Golden Bomber turn into your run of the mill Halloween characters: a vampire, a man witch/little red riding hood, and giant fork through head man. But wait! The lovable member Darvish hasn't changed! Oops, Darvish thinks he's supposed to take his clothes off for Halloween! Silly Darvish! Anyway, seriously kids, you should eat at Mr. Donut.

Toyota Aqua and Chocolate Disco

This is a commercial for Toyota's Aqua. I guess because it's a hybrid vehicle they chose to make a nature oriented time lapse video from different locations around Mt. Fuji. Perhaps they are also implying that the Aqua, like Mt. Fuji, is one of the great symbols of Japan. It's a very moving cm, indeed. And what beautiful music! The song is in fact a cover of one of the best Japanese songs of all time, Chocolate Disco by Perfume. It's a very odd choice. I would guess that most people under 70 recognize the music, and it makes the ad seem like a joke. Here's the original video. Please study the dance moves.

Toilet Paper

 

It's officially fall, so that means it's time to purchase your traditional Tom and Jerry Halloween toilet paper (with a chestnut scent).

Flair Style Girls Bar

It's the little things like putting a sign above the front door that reads, "Thank you for having discovered we!!!" that let's me know I'm a super important customer at Flair Style Girls Bar.

Duck

Reggie: I know we've already had this conversation like six times, but I really think this duck art you're doing would really go great with our company's tupperware line. All it would take is one little change and we could make you a very rich man.

Turbo: I know, you want the duck to have a top hat, but it isn't happening. That's not what this duck's about. He's no aristocrat. He's the kind of duck that gets the most out of life despite his meager earnings.

Reggie: Okay... wait.... What if it were a comically small top hat?

Turbo: ...Oh my God... You're right!

Reggie: I mean, it's the best of both worlds.

Turbo: You, sir, are a modern day Michelangelo.

Reggie: Tell me something my mom hasn't already told me a million times.

Turbo: Um...okay...ahh...I only have one testicle.

Reggie: ...

Turbo: It wasn't cancer or anything. I was just born that way.

Reggie: Yeah, I didn't actually want you to tell me anything.

Turbo: Oh.

Reggie: And you could have said a lot of things that my mom hasn't said that aren't your deep, personal secrets.

Turbo: Well, I guess it's only fair that you tell me something personal about yourself now.

Reggie: No.

Turbo: Come on, man. I've only got one ball here!

Reggie: Okay, ready... I've got two balls. They're, are you happy?

Turbo: What? I told you something super personal.

Reggie: That's equally personal. We both shared how many testicles we have.

Turbo: But... only one...

Reggie: So you're going to do it with the little hat?

Turbo: ...Yeah, alright.

Takanotsume Chips

Japanese Food Review #66

Takanotsume translates as "hawks talon" and is the name of a chile pepper in Japan. I guess the pepper looks like a hawks talon (the shape of which we are all much too familiar with). Takanotsume is also an anime (translated as Eagle Talon for some reason) and stars a character that's clearly Hitler Jr. (you can see him on the right side of the bag). I guess the great people at Calbee realized that if they made a spicy chip, they could finally justify putting a Hitler type character on a bag of chips.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  The pepper added almost no flavor at all. It was slightly hot and that was all.
Girlbot: 4  We were in agreement on this one.
Overall: 4

Man Taking Photos up Women's Skirts Blackmailed

This is okay, but don't blackmail that cool dude.

Tarou Yoshida (28) was arrested for blackmailing an office worker in Shinjuku on July 3rd. The office worker (48) was minding his own business at a building next to Shinjuku Station, using his smartphone to take a photo up a woman's skirt around 8:00pm. Mr. Yoshida stopped the man and said something like, "I saw what you did. Shall we go to the police station?" He then made the office worker go to a nearby ATM and pay him ¥500,000 (around $5,000) promising he wouldn't talk. Apparently this office worker has no sense of honor at all, because he later told the police of this incident.

Mr. Yoshida admitted to all of it saying, "Yeah, I did something wrong, but taking photos up women's skirts is wrong as well." This seems like a logical statement, but the police have not yet arrested the office worker (despite the fact that he admits he did it) because they haven't been able to identify the victim. The article doesn't say this, but I would guess he erased the photo(s) as well, so no evidence exists (except for the admission of guilt). It's kind of like how if you filmed yourself raping a raccoon, and then no raccoon came forward saying they had been raped, the police couldn't do anything about it, right? I'm trying to say that raping a raccoon is the perfect crime.

According to the police, in the same building another 28-year-old man, Kentaro Nagasaka, attempted to blackmail two men in their 20s again for taking photos of women's underwear. Really makes you think, "Wow, what a small world," or something, huh? Because of this, the police have warned people to be on the look out for both people taking perverted pictures of women and the horrible criminals trying to blackmail these fine citizens.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Fit's Kaki-Maze

Japanese Gum Review #10

 That dream you're always having about chewing persimmon-flavored gum is finally coming true (or should I say "gumming" true... no I for sure shouldn't say that). Kaki means persimmon and maze means mix, so unfortunately it's not a pure persimmon flavor. Grape and apple are also mixed in. Anyway, pretty psychedelic, huh?

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  It was not good. In in a blind taste test, I would have guessed it was a melon gum. To be honest, even if it tasted exactly like persimmons, I certainly wouldn't have guessed it.
Girlbot: 1  She wanted to give it a zero, but she upped it too a one because she was able to chew it for a minute.
Overall: 2

2 for 1 Big Macs

McDonald's is running a very special deal until the 19th: Two Big Macs for the price of one! You may have noticed that in English you're constantly saying, "Two for one Big Macs," but some marketing geniuses in Japan have created a way to say this in a simple word, "unbelie-value." You can hear the woman say it at the end of the ad. Really rolls of the tongue.

Dust Box

I'm pretty sure "dust box" is Japanese for "glory hole," but so far all I've gotten is a few strange looks from other passengers. Go figure.

Tokimeki Shower Memories

Space Shower TV has made a new 8-bit ad for their station. On TV it just ends with the girl saying thanks, but their are several alternative endings on the internet. Here, the babe reveals she's a robot. In another, she has telepathy and knows that you are either a dolphin or an alien (she's not very good at telepathy). Yet another babe mistakes you for 2Pac and wants to live with you on the West Side. By the way, the title might be translated as Palpitating Shower Memories.

titty & Co.

My mom's always telling me that I shouldn't go to places with "titty" in the title. She just doesn't GET IT!!! Titty isn't taboo anymore, Mom!!!! It's just something us young humans say!!!!

Minmin Daha

2S4W

Minmin Daha is a drink that helps you stay awake. Drinking it is kind of like hiring a woman to stand behind so she can hit you with a stick if you start to nod off (i.e. every guy'z fantasy).

Joy of Life

Yoko Ono is continuing to blow our minds after all these years. What does this mean? Is it a statement? A question? An incomplete thought? (It's an incomplete thought.) Or is this a metaphor for how Yoko Ono is an idiot? Only a true artist would choose to put her name on the bottom of a crappy billboard.

Ultra Train

Stardust Records has somehow managed to get Ultraman Ginga to team up with Chotokyu (Super Express Train) and make an amazing video. The collaboration is call ウルトラ超特急 (urutora chotokyu or Ultra Super Express Train). This video really brings me back to my days as a high school ruffian. My friends and I used to feed each other lunch before our self-imposed dance practice. Then we'd always get into a serious fight about one of messing up the dance routine (usually it was me, guilty as charged!).  So I'd go on the roof and practice by myself. Oh, and we always wore outfits that we imagined space ladies would someday be wearing. You know, high school.

Wild Boar Enjoys Day at Mall

I don't about you, but I think "chilling" at the mall can be a real boar... a wild boar that is! Yesterday in Oita, Japan there were likely plenty of "squeals" heard at a local shopping center because a wild boar went on a 40 minute rampage. "Hogwash!" you say, but I ham being completely serious! The boar smashed through a wall, went down an escalator and injured three people. One woman required 4 stitches and 2 other men sustained light leg injuries. The 1-meter-long boar was seen bleeding, but it somehow escaped and is still on the loose. So it seems like the movie Babe: A Pig in the City has magically come to life. Hopefully the boar can put some oinkment on its wounds!

Dream Bra

Peach John and Haruna Kojima have teamed up once again to make another bra-themed short film. In their first artistic look at the world of wearing underwear, Haruna's dress was torn off on the red carpet... and she completely owned it! In this film, she dreams of wearing a magical bra that allows you to high five teddy bears and stuff. Then she awakes to find that she's a model wearing the same magic bra! Or does she wake up!?

Haruna is a member of AKB48. She used to be on team A, but now she's on team B (I'm sure you all understand what I'm talking about). Anyway, apparently it's against the group's rules to date a man, but it's okay to walk around Paris in your underwear.

From A Navi

There are a couple competing sites to search for part time jobs and Japan. An (that's the name of a company) wisely chose to feature Kyary Pamyu Pamyu doing different jobs in their commercials, but From A has a panda working in theirs. Obviously both companies have made some intriguing arguments.

In this commercial the girl cook lady says, "Mr. Panda?" The panda explains that he found the job on From A. She says, "I don't hear anything." (So already you've just about bust a gut laughing, right?) Then the panda's thinking about how cute she is when he gets hit into the flour! She says, "Mr. Panda, are you okay?" And here comes the punchline... get ready... The panda says, "I'm a polar bear." Sometimes I feel like I could write commercials, but then you see a genius joke like this, and you realize you should just leave it to the experts and enjoy the fruits of their labor!

Rain

A typhoon hit Japan yesterday. It was no longer classified as a typhoon when it hit Nagoya, but at one point more than 100mm of rain fell in one hour alone. Much of Nagoya was flooded. These are some photos around my house. The rain let up for about 30 minutes and most of the water drained away quickly.

I guess it got a lot deeper than this elsewhere.

Lighter of the Future Jii

This is a lighter that can be recharged with any USB port. Also, this is insane. Here's a poor translation:

Now, in a remote laboratory, a new hero is born... Jii..... Jii..... Jii!
So, let's go.
A B C D E F Jii
I'm the lighter of the future Jii Jii Jii.
O P Q R S T USB
USB lighter Jii Jii Jii
Jii stands for the ji in next generation (jisedai). (new and safe Jii)
Jii stands for the ji in era (jidai). (thinking about ecology and stuff Jii)
Jii stands for the ji in freedom (jiyu). (wants to become a pirate king Jii)
Jii stands for the ji in gigolo.
(Then I think it's just sounds)
When I get tired from lighting too many things
I take off my pants and sleep in the USB port.
Look I'm back! Slide and light.
Wind is no problem. An invincible lighter. Jii
I want to join everyone. (I think he's talking about all the flying cigarettes)

Then the song repeats. That match lady dumps the normal lighter because he has to be thrown away. Jii says he'll keep recharging until he can light her heart. Match lady thinks this is wonderful.

Good for the environment Jii.
(chorus)
Everyone of the world, I love you SB.

Sweet Days

Ron: Ok, welcome guyz. I'm really excited to hear your ideas for our new "Sweet days" notebook series. Jon, you wanna start us off?
Jon: Thank you so much, Ron.
Ron: No problem.
Jon: So I was thinking.. what's sweeter than honey?
Don: Umm, sugar.
Ron: Oh, and I think several different types of syrup as well, right?
Don: Maple for sure.
Jon: Ok, that's probably technically true...
Don: Are pineapples sweeter?
Ron: That's quite possible. Wouldn't put it past 'em.
Jon: Ok, but... honey's sweet, right?
Ron: Not going to argue with you there, Jon.
Jon: So what if some bears were dressed up as bees eating honey?
Don: I don't think the bears are going to be able to fool the bees. I mean, aren't most bears much too large to even begin thinking about entering a hive?
Jon: They don't have to go in a hive. Maybe they just like dressing like bees.
Ron: So it's a sexual thing.
Jon: Umm...
Ron: This could work. Two sicko bears getting turned on by their skintight bee costumes, smearing honey all over their bodies.
Don: Oh, and they could get aroused by bee stings.
Ron: Right, and the slogan could be, "We love sweet honey," like they heat up honey jars in the microwave and then have sex with them or something.
Don: Genius as always, Jon.

G-cluster

This ad does a really good job of explaining what G-cluster is, but if you still don't understand, the company seems to have spent quite a bit of money making this long promotional video that also doesn't explain much. I guess it's a game console that lets you use a smart phone or tablet as a controller.

Secret Guyz

I'm sure you all recognize Shuto Yoshihara, member of the handsome actors group Naked Boyz (that's seriously a real thing). Well, he's back with a couple friends in his new band Secret Guyz. I guess the idea is that they all work as women during the day and are flaming homosexual super heroes when called upon. It's one of those formulas that will work song after song. Secret Guyz are on the same record label as Momoiro Clover Z.