Kagome Ketchup Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #76

Kagome makes the most popular ketchup in Japan, and they've finally teamed up with Calbee to make a chip I might not have to dip in ketchup (or I could go for double the ketchup). This chip really did taste just like ketchup and somehow managed to not be awful. It could have been renamed McDonald's fries flavor, and I would've bought it. So, it's like eating fast food fries, but worse.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4.5 Again, surprisingly ok.
Girlbot: 7  She says she would be fine with buying them again someday. Apparently that earns them a 7.
Overall: 5.75

Porn Box

The top script reads, "This postbox is for adult magazines. Don't put garbage or newspapers in it.” The bottom explains that they'll also take porno books and DVDs. They seem to have forgotten to add, "Seriously, only your premo porn!" These boxes are found at some train stations in Gifu. I guess they think people will give up their porn and that will make the community better. A couple of thoughts:

1. If this did persuade you to give up your porn, why would you want to throw it away in the porn box in front of all the other train passengers, or would you just stand near the box until there's no one at the station?
2. If you're a kid who hasn't figured out how to watch porn on the internet, I bet you could figure out how to stick your arm into the local porn box at the station.

Turtle

One of my neighbors has a large turtle that is often trying to escape from the 2nd story balcony. I don't have to go to the zoo to see depressed animals anymore!

Daily Foods

People often wonder how Japanese people seem to stay so healthy. I tend to believe that the secret is the culture's emphasis on the importance of eating daily foods. These are the foods that you absolutely must eat everyday to stay healthy. You know, foods like milk, fruit yoghurt, butter, cheese, Gouda cheese, Camembert cheese, Edam cheese, cheese slicer, etc.

Kyary's ALOOK CM

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is in a new commercial for ALOOK glasses. Kyary's wearing a dress made of glasses and is starring alongside a goat in some sort of a wasteland (talk about every guyz sexual fantasy). The slogan at the end of the ad is ミレ　ミラレル or, "see, be seen." I think that, "see a goat, be seen by a goat," makes way more sense, but apparently it was too long. The ALOOK website explains that while it's true that glasses have become fashionable, most glasses look alike. There's a wide variety of clothing and hairstyles, so why isn't the same true for glasses? ALOOK's glasses will help you express your identity to the world. So... what kind of person are you? A neon green type of guy? No? Oh, so you're more into neon pink? No? Wait...so what kind of neon color are you into? Huh? Neon brown? I've never heard...wait...just brown? I get it. Have fun conforming with your brown glasses you fascist! Get out of our store!

KFC Christmas 2013

As I sort of promised you in my insightful piece on Lotteria's Merry Xmas package, today we will be looking at KFC's Christmas specials.

The two main packages will run you about $40 a piece. The only difference between the two is that the top one offers 8 pieces of original chicken, while the bottom only offers 4 originals and 6 chicken tenders. You also get a plate, a cake, and a salad (yuck) with chicken on top (yum?). If you want people to think you're classy, but you still really want KFC, you can choose from their special menu.

They offer a roasted breast (already hilarious) filled with shrimp-mushroom-cheese crean. Wait, but know shrimp dogs? Lotteria wins again.

Milky Cookies Review

Japanese Food Review #75

Milky is a brand of milk flavored taffy. That might sound weird/disgusting, but they're actually quite good. Still, it's not a flavor I would expect to translate well in cookie form. I just recently noticed these cookies in the local supermarket. Below Milky, it says "sabure" which means "sablé" (I guess that's a French shortbread). At the bottom of the box a message informs us that they have a half-cooked texture. Indeed, the cookies were of the softer variety and tasted like fake cookie dough. The outer ring is not delicious, but it's fine. The center, while still clearly being a cookie, was very sweet and soft and tasted way to much like the taffy version of Milkys.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5 I considered giving them a four because they're edible, but I will definitely never purchase them again.
Girlbot: 2 She only ate half a cookie.
Overall: 2.75

The Sun Lounge

If you want to look cool like these folks, just head to The Sun Lounge. I'm not sure where you can get one of those stylish crotch stars, but you could try asking the front desk.

Mottai Nightland Christmas

I think a lot of people get caught up in materialism. This time of the year you can't avoid questions like, "Whose pants are tightest around the ankles?" and, "Which video game has the most graphics?" But it's things like the above video that remind us of what this season is all about. From the golden unicorn that visited baby Jesus to those little ghost men acting like snow, this commercial tugs at the heart. I'm just going to call it like I see it. If you watched this and had even one dry eye by the end, I can deduce that you belong to some fake religion. Am I right?

Whisper Pure Hada

I've been getting a lot of e-mails from readers asking about Japanese sanitary napkins. Many of you are particularly interested in how they are marketed. A couple of thoughts on these requests:

1. I'm disgusted by you.
2. I'll do anything for my readers, and, God help me (I'm sure this is some sort of a sin), but I'm going to write a little about the subject. Let's look at the commercial for one brand, Whisper Pure Hada:

First off, hada means skin, so I guess they're guaranteeing that they can cure your horrible rashes. Also, I love the symbolism of the pink frogs (let's just say that if it were that time of the month for Dr. Spock, the frogs might be a lighter green). The big sell here is that the napkin is so absorbent that not only are your unspeakable liquids sucked up, but so are all of the terrible odors! Now you get why it's called "Whisper," right? I mean, it's not completely silent, but it's quiet compared to most women's traditional odor removal tactics (power vacuums, maracas, etc.). In the song they promise the smell will go to zero (the frogs say double zero). Furthermore, the day's worries will go to zero (typical women, no worries in the world other than the strong stench wafting from their bodies).