JONTE' with BsGirls!!!

My little brother's EXACT look alike is back in the news. He threw out the first pitch for an Orix Buffaloes game. But first the crowd of approximately 42 people was treated to a dance number performed by the BsGirls and Jonte himself! By the way, I think the team thinks that Bs is a good way to shorten Buffaloes. It's written on their hats instead of just a B. They also use it for Bs TV and Bs Time. Anyway, Jonte made the bold decision of painting all of his body except his face gold for no reason. I think it was probably done to match his high heel boots (which none of the girls chose to wear). The song they chose ended in applause which actually made more awkward when the music stopped and there was no one there to cheer.

Mosdo!

Finally, Moss Burger and Mr. Donut have teamed up at long last! Mosdo is another witty combination of the names. You can get rice burgers at Mr. Donut (one with sweet beans and custard) and doughnut burgers at Moss Burger. This commercial shows the French Cruller Wound Chorizo. It's chorizo in a doughnut for only ¥390. I think that's a sign of the apocalypse or something.

Also, it reminds me of the time we made chocolate chip cookies at work. We made just two with chunks of chorizo instead of chocolate and gave those to an Ecuadorian guy we worked with. Everyone sat around saying how delicious the cookies were, and the Ecuadorian guy tried really hard to eat the cookies and be polite. It's funny because it's racist!

Coolish Bra

Peach John has made yet another short film starring AKB48's Haruna Kojima. This one is entitled I Am a Cold Women and is an ad for their "Coolish Bra," a bra designed to keep you cool in the summer. Apparently wind can go through the fabric or something. I, personally, choose not to wear a bra during the summer. Kojima plays some sort of ice princess who kills a bunch of men (I know all the ladies reading this are already thinking, "I've gotta get that bra!") I have to say, this seems super unrealistic. Not even one of the frozen guys is pantless or doing a jerking off gesture or something? Kind of hard to believe. Anyway, it turns out she likes casual guys who don't tie up their bow ties. In the end, Little Red Riding Hood becomes the next ice princess... because she wasn't horrified by the murders? ...Buy... bra... coolish good?

World Peace

Humans have been waging wars for as long as we've existed, and yet I still believe that someday the end of all fighting will occur. Why is this? It's difficult to explain, but perhaps I could share a story with you. It all happened when I was still a young boy. I was walking home from school with a few chums of mine, no doubt discussing whose pogs were indeed the raddest, when we came upon a pile of dirty magazines at the old football field. This, of course, was like finding pirate's gold and changed our lives for the better. When people ask me when I became a man, I do not tell the tale of drunkenly throwing a brick at a cop car, for I became a man long before that on a cool spring day at the old field. And look what I found today.

Look! It's a pile of dirty magazines strewn beside a swing set designed for very young children. Some  kind gentleman..., sorry, that's sexist. Some kind gentleman or gentlewoman that doesn't understand what the internet is did their darndest to help make some men today. But this park is on the other side of the globe from that worn down football field. Don't you see! We're all the same! If only everyone heard this story! How could you use chemical weapons on children when you know they're all capable of growing up to do something great like this! Spread the word!!!!

Hard Spiky Mist

This is from that time I was holding a hot product, "Nudy."

Haagen-Dazs Carrot Orange Ice Cream Review

Japanese Food Review #84

Haagen-Dazs has two new flavors in a series called SpoonVege. They've invented a way to eat vegetables with a spoon and make the process unhealthy all at the same time. The other flavor is tomato mixed with cherry. The carrot orange one sounded a little less gross, so that's what we're reviewing. The first bite tasted mostly like orange to me. It was pretty creamy (milky) and perhaps not quite as sweet as most ice creams. Later I could taste the carrot juice as well. It wasn't that bad and had a very nice texture, almost like real gelato.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4.5 Again, it wasn't bad, but I'm pretty sure it would have been better if it were simply orange (and likely equally as healthy).
Girlbot: 5  She doesn't like this kind of taste. It should be noted that she hates carrots, so this is a surprisingly high rating.
Overall: 4.75

Playground Equipment Update

The thing above is in Chikusa park. This reporter has heard from multiple sources that both the tubes on the sides and the blue structure itself were hallow at one point. It had always been assumed that the choice to fill in the equipment had been made because it had been too dangerous for small children. But is that all there is to the story??? Recently, a small boy was overheard saying that it was filled in because cats had been living inside of it. I believe the Gaybot Times is the first news agency to break this story.

It should be noted that the small boy spent most of the rest of the time talking about how intelligent a certain ant was for choosing a path that he wouldn't fall from. A little girl pointed out that the ant wouldn't fall from any of the paths and the boy replied by telling her how intelligent the ant was.

Still, this is a pretty big story for us.

Another Kyary Toothpaste Thing

There must have been a decision that Kyary's last toothpaste commercial seemed a little too much like a commercial for toothpaste. It's Kyary vs. Stains. She battles some curry, a chocolate bar, and a child coffee bean. She murders them all easily with the help of Ora². Then she says that cleaning your teeth is like cleaning yourself. I agree. When I have really clean teeth, I feel like I blew up a living being with a rainbow or something.

Kakeru Tomato

Kakeru means to put or pour on. It's an ad for a tomato sauce meant to be poured on fried chicken. The commercial starts out strange enough. The slow motion biting into chicken with a disgusting squishing sound was an odd choice. It gets weirder as it goes along. Perhaps they want us to think that eating this sauce will be like the first time we took way too much acid. It will take over our mind and we'll never be the same. Pretty good sales pitch.

A Sign Makers Meeting

Boss: Did you see the new sidewalk sign Yoshi submitted?
Gary: Yeah... really good color scheme.
Boss: Yes, yes, that's true... Um, the humans...
Gary: They're a little abstract.
Boss: Can you have him do it again.
Gary: Um, yeah, Gary's going through a really tough time.
Boss: Oh?
Gary: His wife left him for some young surfer and he claims she tried to poison him.
Boss: Oh my.
Gary: Between you and me, I'd say there's a better chance he poisoned himself and tried to pin it on her.
Boss: I... can we get him some help?
Gary: Well, I mean, at the same time he's been making some really interesting points.
Boss: What?
Gary: He's been making a lot of good observations about the nature of reality and our lack of understanding of it. Like, what is an arm? At what point is an arm no longer an arm?
Boss: ...So... we'll just go with this sign.

Kewpie 3 Minute Cooking Show

The West often thinks of Japanese culture as strange or silly. How can one watch something like the video below and not come to the conclusion that Japan is doing it right? Why is this not happening on your television?

This is the opening and ending to the Kewpie 3 minute cooking show (featuring one of those naked angel baby dolls because... cooking). They show the original version and then a Momoiro Clover Z version. This isn't a 1970s Godzilla movie. This is the future. The future is now.

ROK-KISS

ROK-KISS is a Korean dance group that is attempting to make slightly funny exercise videos. You're probably thinking ROK-KISS is a great name because you're a huge Kiss fan and you also like the cutting edge spelling of the word rock. It's even cooler than you imagined! ROK stands for "Republic of Korea" (way cooler than rock and roll) and Kiss doesn't seem to have anything to do with the band.   Here's an original song they made called "Hip Up." Apparently both Koreans and Japanese think hip means butt, so this song is about getting a tighter butt.

The song doesn't start until 0:40. By the way, "oshiri" means butt, and "mite" means look. You can understand almost everything they're saying now. They also do a couple Golden Bomber video covers. The videos are just dance versions. They've changed some moves and have added details about what muscles you're using. Here's their Memeshikute video.