Tsuyatsuya Prune Jelly

I've always wondered why people tell me I have "dry skin" or "a repulsive face." It turns out that I should be eating more prune jelly. The lyrics to this jingle really explain it all. Here's a rough translation.

If your stomach growls
It's your chance to be pretty.
Tsuyatsuya Prune,
Pretty is prune.
Tsuyatsuya Prune.

Sea Chicken & Mayo Chips

Japanese Food Review #58

 It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of canned tuna. That's why I was so excited to try Calbee's new Sea Chicken (that's what people call canned tuna in Japan) and mayo potato chips. Obviously I often use canned tuna as a dip for chips, so this had the potential of being another great time saver. I was met by the lovely sent of canned tuna upon opening the bag. It was quite strong, so I was surprised to find that the taste was not. It even seemed that the mayonnaise flavoring was stronger than the tuna. Looks like we'll still have to pour tuna all over our food.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3 They weren't that bad, but they shouldn't exist.
Girlbot: 2.5 She said she couldn't tell what the flavor was.
Overall: 2.75

Drunk Man on the Tracks

I was for some reason watching videos of drunk businessmen when I came across this. I guess this guy lost his wallet, freaked out and jumped on the tracks for some reason. This sets off the buzzer you hear in the video. When the station attendant comes over, the drunk dude decides its his chance to wrestle and take his shirt off. The station attendant keeps telling him to calm down as he tries to keep his hat on. Everyone else watches silently until the attendant runs away. Then an older gentleman scolds the drunk guy, who in turn apologizes as if his life depends on it. Man alive, that must have been a super nice wallet. Poor guy.

Watermelon Thief

What evil villain is stealing our produce this time?

Yomiuri Online reported that someone (or something) has been stealing watermelons and squashes in Chikusei, Ibaraki. Last week around 300 squashes and 20 watermelons were stolen from a field. The produce was apparently worth roughly $1500. A victimless crime, right? (Other than those greedy farmers).  The police in Chikusei don't seem to agree. In fact, they'd been warning farmers to be on the look out for watermelon thieves after 700 were stolen from a greenhouse last month. The citizens have remained vigilant. That's why they were able to announce that this time the produce was stolen sometime between 5:00pm on the 18th and 10:00am... on the 24th. So it could be anyone. Perhaps it was the mafia, or aliens, or 2nd graders using their bikes and backpacks to see how many they could steal before that idiot farmer sobered up.

Feel Windy

Obviously it's hard to keep the babes away with a bike like this. I mean, chicks just dig my feel windy need for speed attitude. Of course some neighborhood kids have spread the rumor that I have excessive gas, but little girls will be little girls, right?

Kodomo No Nomimono

Another fake beer for kids.

Kyary and AU

I think this is the third commercial Kyary Pamyu Pamyu has made in about the last month or so. This time she teams up with Goriki, AU's normal spokesperson (she's that girl with short hair who introduces Kyary). She's also kind of the it girl in Japan right now. The commercial features the song Norikotonoriwo. She keeps singing, "Norikaeru," which would usually mean changing trains, but I guess it's used for changing phone companies in this case. The ad is for a special discount for switching to AU. Kaeru means "change," but it can also mean "frog," so that explains why that frog has a moustache and why Kyary's doing that hand seizure dance.

Nori Kimchi Potato Chips

Last time we discovered that Pringles attempt to create a delicious kimchi flavored chip was less than wildly successful. Will Calbee fare any better?

Japanese Food Review #57

  Calbee has created these nori (seaweed) kimchi chips. Nori chips are quite common in Japan, and I have to admit I'm not a very big fan of them. Let's just say I've never walked into a bar and had someone say to me, "Hey, you're that guy who enjoys consuming nori chips, right?" (true story). Anyway, Calbee boasts that they've used real Korean seaweed and that the kimchi slowly becomes spicy in your mouth. Sounds like they've really put a lot of thought into making the perfect chip, but I'd say the fatal flaw with their recipe is that instead of trying to simulate the flavor of "good" kimchi, they instead went for the "rotten vomit" variety. It tasted like cheap American kimchi. I thought they were awful after the first chip, but I ate a couple more in case I was simply not accustomed to the flavor. After 4 chips, my verdict had not changed.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 1    It pains me to say this about a Calbee chip, but these may have been the worst chips I've ever tasted.
Girlbot: 1  She also said they were terrible. Then she ate nearly half the bag. I asked her why, and she said she had gotten used to them but didn't want to change her score.
Overall: 1

Pringles wins.
Is there no one out there that can make a delicious kimchi chip?

Ice No Mi

A little while back I was bemoaning the fact that Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new song Mi seemed to be just another song crapped out for the indiscriminate consumer. It turns out that it, like most of her singles, appears to have been written to promote another product. In this case, it's for Ice No Mi or "The Fruit of Ice" in English. This is perhaps her finest commercial yet. I'm guessing it could give you a seizure, and it's almost impossible to tell what is actually being sold. And why are giant ducks puking out the product? I've never tried Ice No Mi, but apparently they're frozen balls that are 80% fruit juice.

Korean Kimchi Pringles

This week, we will be taking an in-depth look at two kimchi flavored potato chips. Today we examine what the creative minds at Pringles have come up with, while tomorrow it's Calbee's scientists turn to impress.

Japanese Food Review #56

 First off, Pringles really nailed the can's design this time. The marketers are right. The question isn't, "What would Kimchi Pringles taste like?" The question is, "What if Pringles could move?" The answer, of course, is that eventually they'd tightrope above a pot of kimchi. One can safely assume that a Pringles chip, if animated, would have a difficult time controlling its center of gravity. So another even more intriguing question arises. "If only the slightest breeze were to occur, does it not stand to reason that the light chip with a large surface area might perchance tumble from the rope upon which it balances into the pot below? And what flavor would that spawn?" All great questions. Unfortunately, Pringles instead just made spicy chips and added some vinegar or something, so the mystery remains unsolved.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  Perhaps the worst Pringles I've ever tried.
Girlbot: 2 She was tempted to give a one, but you should never give the first entry a one in a competition.
Overall: 2.75

Ant Movers

Ants can carry ten times their own weight and the public simply adores them, so it makes perfect sense to use them as a logo for a moving company. I do, however, question the decision to use an ant missing three limbs, but I'm all for the ant wearing some unusual bow tie.

The Obachan Theme

I'm not entirely sure how reincarnation works, but apparently MCA has come back as an old woman in Osaka. This group is called Obachan, meaning "grandma" (it's also what you'd call any old woman). They're basically singing about how they wear insane clothes and like getting good deals. The video starts with them running towards a 1 yen fish sausage display.

Arson: Still a Cool Crime?

At first I thought setting fire to a pile of trash would be cool, but then I saw this sign which reads, "On the lookout for arson," and realized a nervous woman in her pajamas might alert the fire department, so the fire might not even cause much serious damage. I mean, what's the point?

Z-Machines

It's official; If you kill yourself, no one will care. This has nothing to do with the fact that you are less significant than other humans, it's just that the rest of us are going to be too busy rocking out to the Z-Machines! Many of us have long wondered when robots would finally take over the world. Well it seems the Z-Machines are about to do just that. This is because they have one advantage that other robots in the past have lacked: They're powered by Zima! That's right, Zima still exists and is popular in Japan, and they're creating robot bands. This song is played at 160 BPM, but Zima speculates that the robot can play at 1280 BPM. I doubt even Elvis could have done that! The video below shows the guitar robot playing at 1184 BPM, but it's too fast to sound cool.

Caesar Salad Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #55

Calbee brings us ruffled Caesar salad chips with real parmesan cheese powder! I'm not a huge Caesar salad guy to begin with, but I was pretty sure these would be much worse. In the end, they kind of tasted like Caesar salad and were edible.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4
Girlbot: 6 She said they were too garlicy. For the record, I didn't really taste garlic.
Overall: 5

Why You Are Laughing? Shut Up!

The other members of the UN torture committee were not laughing at Hideaki Ueda's horrible English. They were laughing at the content of his speech. In Japan, an arrested person isn't allowed to have a lawyer present when being interrogated. Another member mentioned that Japan's justice system is antiquated, and Mr. Ueda's response was, "Eh, ah certainly, ah, Japan is not in the middle age. We are one of the most advanced country in this field." Of course any intelligent person would laugh at this. It's the equivalent to the US saying they have some of the best gun safety laws in the world or Spain saying they have the lowest rate of siestas in Europe. Anyway, then Ueda yelled shut up a couple times, which I assume made most people laugh harder. Ueda was able to completely recover by again saying, "We are one of the most advanced country in this field," and adding, "That is our proud." I would say one of their other prouds should be their ability to consistently produce diplomats with such impeccable English.

Candy Beer

This drink looks like beer and tastes like cola. The mug shows the Nohara family from Crayon Shin Chan, a popular manga and anime in Japan. It's called Namaiki Drink, meaning cheeky drink, and it's sold at most grocery stores. It's a great way to encourage 2-year-olds to develop a drinking problem.

Mi

This is a preview of Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new song Mi. The lyrics are just "Pami" and "Mi." It seems like they're doing some sort of marketing experiment. Like, if we release the worst music in the world, but Kyary sings it, can we still sell it? The OK Soda of Japan?

Orion's Cocoa Cigarettes

Japanese Food Review #54

 I loved smoking candy cigarettes as a kid. I liked how they tasted, but I liked the idea of tricking adults into believing a 7-year-old was openly smoking even more. I remember being very disappointed when they stopped coloring the tips of the cigarettes red. When they disappeared from most stores, I was a little sad, but I'd already moved on to rolling fake joints and walking around town. Most grocery stores still carry candy cigarettes in Japan. They're called Cocoa Cigarettes, but they don't taste like chocolate at all (Girlbot says she can taste a hint of it). They remind me of the stick in Fun Dip perhaps crossed with Necco Wafers. I think I might know too much about old candy.

Gaybot: 7 This is a little high, but I still like fake smoking.
Girlbot: 5 She says the flavor is very good, but they're too hard.
Overall: 6

BABYMETAL

My little brother told me that this is the coolest thing going on in Japan right now. The kid just knows so much about world culture. This song is called Ijime (bullying) Dame (don't) Zettai (definitely). The English title is No More Bullying. Obviously, the best way to express this sentiment is through speed metal, but I applaud the director for having the vision to put guitar playing skeletons and some homeless guy from a fantasy novel in the video. Really brings the message home.

Officially, there are only three members in BABYMETAL. You would assume that a 3-piece metal band would have a drummer, a bass player, and a guitar player. BABYMETAL went another route. They consist of Yu-Metal (vocal/dance), Yuimetal (scream/dance), and Maometal (scream/dance). Honestly, I'd never even considered putting two scream/dance artists in my Japanese teenage girl metal band. I feel like a huge idiot.

Dream Jumbo

This is what a lottery ticket looks like in Japan. Actually, this is just what the Dream Jumbo ticket looks like. There are seasonal "Jumbos" which are drawings where the jackpot is at least 100,000,000 yen or more. This time 7 different tickets will payout 100,000,000 yen. I think this ticket shows an interesting look into the Japanese psyche. Apparently most people dream about robots with top hats, giraffes walking on two legs, penguins with cowboy hats and so on. This explains why many people say that their weekend plans are to sleep. If I could meet those cheerful monkeys, I'd be sleeping too right now.

Chicken Soup Curls

Japanese Food Review #53

Curls have the texture of those puffy cheese curls in America. I already explained this and more in my review of Okonomoyaki Curls. This time Meiji is bringing back a retro flavor all the way from 1968! I wonder why "chicken soup" hasn't remained a popular flavor? At first I had no idea what to do with these (should I pour them in my pants and try speaking to them through the language of dance?), but luckily there's a helpful message at the bottom. "Oooohh! Serve for snack." The flavor was pretty light. I may have guessed that it was basic salt flavor if I hadn't seen the package.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  If I'm having Curls, which I don't do often, I'm sticking with curry.
Girlbot: 7 She dislikes Curls, but tasted these and straightaway said, "They're good!" and gave them a 7. Then I offered her a second one and she retched. I think that makes sense somehow.
Overall: 5.5

Healty Life

Words with 2 H's are for fat people?

Kyary and KFC to Induce Vomiting

I have to hand it to Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. She really has the pop vomiting market cornered. First she had this GU commercial, and now she stars on a page that is designed to makes you sick to your stomach. Remember the KFC Krushers commercial? The slogan was kura kura which means dizzy. This is a strange slogan for a non-alcoholic beverage, but stranger yet is the new web page KFC made. It features an optical allusion that causes dizziness. After a few seconds a warning comes up telling you that you shouldn't look at the page for too long. What a brilliant idea for an ad campaign! If you still want to look, and you're a chicken if you don't (buck, buck, buuuuck), check out Kyary's Krusher page here. If any of you are trying to find a new way to expand your child's mind (what with the man saying you can't lace kids "apple juice" with hallucinogens), try forcing them to look at this for ten minutes.

Fit's Link No Limit Mint

Japanese Gum Review #8

 Lotte has created a new flavor of Fit's. The flavor is said to last 50 minutes, so pretty much it's "no limit." This dude roboty thing has something to do with Gundam, but I'll let you look that up yourself. Lotte says the base flavor is menthol and there's a skin of citrus flavor. I couldn't taste anything with a "citrus taste," but I do think I detected a hint of "gross chemical."

Ratings:
Gaybot: 1.5  I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst gum I've ever had.
Girlbot: 1  I think she chewed it for roughly 20 seconds, nowhere near the limit.
Overall: 1.25

Parking Lot Skyscraper

This would be the perfect thing for Godzilla to hit with his tail.

Dog Bartender

The company Nisshinbo has been running a series of commercials starring dogs. In this one, the bartender says, "People are sensitive to bad news, but I think there must be some good news out there." Then a sign comes up that says, "Making a clean energy company a reality," and a guy says, "A company we need now, Nisshinbo." This ad actually makes more sense than the others.

In this one, the song's lyrics are, "Nisshinbo does various things, but... Nisshinbo, I can't explain what a single one is." Then the ending is the same. Most of the ads are like this, telling us we need the company but not really explaining anything they're doing. Anyway, I like dogs playing ping pong, so I'll try to buy whatever it is they're selling.