Spicy Pizza Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #85

I was a big fan of Calbee's Pizza Potato series when I first came to Japan. They're potato chips that claim to have real cheese and pizza toppings on them. As time has gone on, perhaps my brain has realized that this is a gross concept (storing real cheese at room temperatures is gross, but this is obviously not real cheese), and I'm less enamored with them. Still, my tastebuds enjoy the flavor that is mildly reminiscent of pizza, and I find that I'm often compelled to purchase the limited edition flavors. The newest edition is just the normal chip with chili pepper added. You can see that it has received a grade of 5 out of 6 chili peppers. The chips were kind of spicy.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  They were worse than the originals.
Girlbot: 5   Her initial reaction was to give them a 4 for not being spicy enough. The second chip was apparently spicy enough to garner a 5.
Overall: 4.5

Happy Water Life Service

I think this guy is starting some new age Poseidon cult or something. Wait, no, that's my plumber.

Kira Kira Killer

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new song is called Kira Kira Killer. It could be translated to "Sparkling Killer".  She's apparently some super hero. At the beginning of the song, she chants, "L-U-C-K!" but she can't really pronounce "L" like an English speaker, so that's fun. Kira backwards in Japanese is raki or lucky, so the chorus is that over and over. My horrible translation of the chorus:

Sparkling Killer lucky lucky lucky
Look, the future is happy happy happy
Sparkling killer from the sky now
Coming now 1, 2, 3, 4
Sparkling Killer lucky lucky lucky
Look, the future is happy happy happy
Sparkling Killer thump thump thump* fall in love
Sparkling Killer Sparkling Killer
Sparkling Killer magical power
Completely a Sparkling Killer

*a heart beating sound

Obviously people will debate the significance of these lyrics for centuries to come, but we can all agree that killers create at least a bit of happiness in this crazy world. Also, lucky, lucky, lucky.

Mercedes' Mario Commercial

Have you seen this commercial yet? First it asks what a Mercedes GLA would look like if it were in an 8-bit world. Apparently it would be able to jump the flag pole and Mario would get his wish of becoming a human. Then it asks, "What would the real Mario be like? Turns out he'd be this really ugly super hero that still dies when stuff touches his shin. I prefer John "The Pest" Leguizamo's take on that reality a bit more, but it's pretty tough for anyone to out do the late, great Leguizamo.

Kodomoroid

Well, It looks like the robots are just about ready to take over the world. Japanese scientists have developed Kodomoroid (meaning kid-roid). It's supposed to look like a ten-year-old girl and is designed to read the news. Basically it's just a moving mannequin that uses some crappy voice technology. It has been reported that the voice can be changed, and you can even choose a man's voice. A ten-year-old robot girl with a man's voice? Maybe a little too erotic for the news if you ask me. The scientists also produced Otonaroid (or adult-roid). Look at her use her nimble hands.


Just a few modifications and she could be an unstoppable terminator.

Real Mario Kart

Saw these two dudes cruising around town the other day. A couple of notes:

-An old man asked them what they were doing, and they said they were just aimlessly driving around. Also, they were just driving with normal traffic on big, busy roads.
-All the pedestrians I saw were legitimately excited to see them. One grown woman screamed with excitement, and about six people in their sixties came out of a restaurant to get a better look.
-These dudes were both talking on flip phones, so one can surmise that they spent a large amount of their incomes on go karts/Mario and Luigi costumes.

Weekly Update

Some of the highlights here at the Times from the last week.

• Saw a dad with his three young daughters wearing a "I lost my virginity in Cancun" hat at the park.

• Talked to an old man who used to run some shops. He said that if he found out an employee was stealing a little cash from him, he wouldn't do anything. Apparently the employees that stole were also the best salesmen. There's a tip for all you aspiring salesmen (sorry, ladies, I don't think it would work for you).

• Found a section at the park where 4 leaf clovers aren't so uncommon. Guess who has three 4 leaf clovers, losers!!!! Girlbot wants to buy a bunch of lottery tickets. Seems pretty logical.

Babemobile

A lot of dudez out there don't believe me when I tell them I get more birds (popular US slang for women) than I can handle. They often say things like, "You're nose is the wrong shape for a human face," or, "I hate the way you talk." Hey, all I know is the birds dig what I'm selling. You really want to know my secret....


Behold my motor trike!

Caddie GoluGolu - Say Fore

I guess golf caddies in Japan are often old women? I, for one, would much rather have a grandma carrying around my clubs than some young man who's always talking about how his knees don't hurt. This group is supposed to be a bunch of those caddies, and they're singing about following golf's rules. First, they kick a guy for not yelling, "Fore!" Later, they absolutely rip into some guyz for not following the dress code. They also get angry at some golfers for playing to slowly.

This seems like somebody saw The Obachan Theme and decided they could make some money making a funny old lady song. It seems like the market is ripe for a few more Japanese elderly women rap groups.

Docomo UFO

This is just an ad for a new payment plan offered by Docomo (a cellphone company). The song they're singing is a cover of UFO by Pink Lady (you should click that link if you've never seen them before). Pink Lady was huge in the 70s, and the original UFO was much cooler than this updated version. It sounded way more like the genie's song in Aladdin (always a sign of a hit). Anyway, please waste some time watching Pink Lady and learning some cool dance moves.

A Sign Makers Meeting #2

Boss: So, did you fix up that sign warning people not touch downed power lines.
Ron: Yes, sir. Here it is.
Boss: (delighted chuckle) Okay, yes, yes. Still, I think there's one area you could improve.
Ron: You don't want the boy to be wearing underwear.
Boss: So you agree? It'll be so much funnier that way. Every time I've pantsed someone and gotten a real laugh...
Ron: No, you've just already told me it would be funnier that way several times.
Boss: Or maybe just more butt crack? How about that?
Ron: Honestly, sir, I don't really understand why we even need this much crack.
Boss: Well, I mean..., why else would someone look at this sign?
Ron: Because it's a sign on the street and people look at those.
Boss: Some of them maybe, yeah, but when I see butt crack... I'm interested. I'm going to read that sign.
Ron: Okay, well, I really think this is as much butt crack as I can justify.
Boss: (long sigh) Yes, Virgin Mary.
Ron: Umm, do you think that's a saying?
Boss: Uh, maybe read a bible for once in your life, jeez.

Morning Musume Cup No Fuchiko

This is an ad for a vegetable drink made by Kagome. The translated name is "One day of vegetables, one drink". It's a catchy name, but maybe they could add something like "yummy yummy gooooood!" to the end of it or something. In the ad, the old man is thinking, "I'm drinking this because it's healthy...not because I want..." Then the gals from Morning Musume (another horrible girls band) say, "Good morning!" The old man thinks, "That!" We see a bunch of Cup No Fuchiko and vegetables flying around. Apparently you have the chance of winning a very special Morning Musume Cup No Fuchiko if you purchase this drink. It's good marketing because you can see the dolls' underwear. It goes along with their new campaign, I guess. The other day, one of the girls wore an "I AM A WHORE" shirt to a TV shoot.

They made a couple other creepy videos where the girls sit on a cup and ask you to drink with them every morning. Here's one.

Subway Class

Subway put on a class in the rotunda of the mall near my house today. Basically a bunch of kids dressed up like idiots and made their own Subway sandwiches. I only saw the end where that dude up there told the kids they could take their Subway apron home, and several of the kids actually looked thrilled.

Of course it wouldn't really be a Subway class if Subman weren't in attendance. You can't tell here, but he had a pretty cool yellow cape on.

And here he is wondering how his life choices resulted in him putting on a sandwich suit for minimum wage.