Lark Ice Mint

I'll tell you, it's nearly impossible to quit smoking with this beautiful man staring at you all over town. These cigarettes are like Camel Crush Cigarettes. There's a capsule in the filter that you crush which releases "natural mint."

Instant Boobs

If you're like me, you spend most of your time at parties answering questions like, "Why are you here?" and, "Why do you hold your face like that?" With Instant Boobs, those questions will surely change to, "Can I touch your boobs?" and, "What happened to you during your childhood?"

Just follow these three simple steps:
1) Stick them on.
2) Rub them with force and watch them grow!
3) Be the life of the party!!

Nuiguruma-Z

Shoko Nakagawa, known as Shokotan, is starring in her first action movie. It looks like one of those tried and true stories. You know, a girl and a living teddy bear team up to fight zombies and stuff, but there is one treat that you can't see anywhere else. You see those pink, fluffy nunchucks she's using to ward off zombies? Well Shokotan made those very nunchucks as a child! She was born for this role! Look for it in the spring of 2014.

Shower of Music

Space Shower TV has a new ad campaign. This isn't an exact translation, but the slogan is basically, "Don't just listen, feel the music." You know how music kind of sucks until a gorilla shoot small cylindrical tubes out of the TV at you, right? Well that kind of stuff always happens when you watch Space Shower TV. I've found that eating massive amounts of mescaline also helps.

Tough Guy

Oh no you didn't! Don't make me get off my ladies bicycle, place my flowers in the basket, and teach you how to properly hold that ukulele!

Shio Tomato Ame

Japanese Food Review #47

Shio tomato ame means "salted tomato candy." I know that when I'm chewing on my daily salted tomato, I often think, "Why isn't this harder?" and, "Is there a way to make this more unhealthy?" Magically, neither of those questions crossed my mind while I was eating this candy. They're kind of cool looking red balls with a little green on top, and they really do taste like salty tomatoes.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3 They're not as horrible as I was expecting, but I can't imagine eating them over a tomato.
Girlbot: -1 This is unprecedented (and, as far as I'm concerned, against the rules). She says it's horrible and that she doesn't really like tomatoes in the first place (although recently she has started to like them). This, however, has a strange sweetness she hates.
Overall: 1

Pinpoint Fix

In this commercial, Aderans is offering Pinpoint Fix. It's some system that causes more hairs to grow out of a single spot on your head. It kind of looks like they just give you a really good comb over. Aderans knows that bald men love commercials that make hair loss seem like a joke, so their sales are sure to sky rocket. Also, none of the men look attractive by the end of the commercial.

S.E.D.

This is one of those huge time savers like how I used to have to say and type out "Laugh out loud" constantly. Don't make the mistake I have made several times, though. "OMG, I could go for an STD today!" "What?" "Oh, come on guyz. You know what I mean."

High Quality

If you're looking to get a sign made, I really recommend this place. Sure, they're not very good at spelling or putting spaces between words, but other than that... Like, they usually choose a pretty good font and stuff.

Juice=Juice

Juice=Juice (the = is silent) is the latest girl group presented by Hello! Project, the people who brought you Morning Musume (basically the group AKB48 is based off of). Juice=Juice is a great name for a band. It's like, you never really think about it, but it's so true. According to their site, the name was chosen because they're "freshly gathered," "freshly picked," "natural," and "100%." It seems perfectly natural for a group of old men to form a band of junior high girls and refer to them as "freshly picked," and then to make their first single, "Hug me before I ask you to." The oldest member is 19, and two of the members are only 14. One of the 14 year old girls is that amazing dancer with the dweeb shirt (if you don't get that shirt, then you're just too old, grandpa). Like other groups in Japan and Power Rangers, all the girls are assigned a color (look at their socks). But what's really new and hip is that the colors correspond with fruits this time! So you can say things like, "She has great dance moves, plus, I'm super into grapes, so she's my favorite."