Apple Pie Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #82

We all learned in history class that Johnny Appleseed was a real human with oh so many blisters upon his feet, but what your junior high teacher didn't tell you is that he was a horrible sex addict. Apparently after Johnny reached his goal of "American pie-ing" a lady in every state, he started trying to knock every continent of the list. I wonder if he knew that his sex vacation in Japan would someday lead to apple pie potato chips. I'm going to guess that a great man like him probably knew this was coming. For shame, Mr. Appleseed!

Anyway, Calbee is making a series of chips with famous flavors of different regions in Japan. Everyone knows that northern Honshu is famous for apple pies, so why not make it in chip form?

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  It's really not that bad. The sweet apple taste is pretty faint and there's only a little salt. Also, the bag said there would be a cinnamon flavor, but that was even fainter. Surprisingly edible.
Girlbot: 4  She said it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good.
Overall: 3.75

Hearsays

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

This is another band on Dead Funny Records. They're two guys and two music gals from Fukuoka. Their label says they sound like Liz Phair or the Breeders. I probably only know the singles, but I'm pretty sure they don't sound like Liz Phair. They definitely have an American 90s indies sound, though. Three of them have normal Japanese names, and the lead singer goes by Zebra. Zebra's English pronunciation is actually okay. Here's a song about blind people.

Embarrassing Drunk Moment

This guy isn't all that drunk, I guess.

Everybody has one of those stories where they drank a bit too much in front of their co-workers and did something embarrassing. Maybe you spilled a margarita your crouch and everyone now calls you "Marga-pee-pee-pants" (a witty play on words). Or maybe your tongue got a little too loose and you revealed your love of Mein Kampf and now everyone calls you, "that horrible neo-Nazi guy we're trying to get fired." Well guess what? A man in Karatsu, Saga has it even worse than you.

A public employee in his 50s went drinking with his co-workers and then planned to take a 9:38 train home. Apparently he had done some serious drinking in between the time work ended and 9:00, because he was so drunk that he didn't get on the train! Can you imagine the razzing he'd get at the office the next day! But wait, there's more.

At some point he fell on the tracks and an out-of-service train ran him over. Oh, also he doesn't remember this. Actually, he doesn't remember anything until almost six hours later. At around 4:10 am he woke, saw that his left leg had been severed at the knee, and called for an ambulance. I'm sure there were a lot of fun jokes about how he can't handle his sake around the office! A lot of hop to it comments and stuff.

Source: Asahi Shimbun Online

Table Manners

Mom's telling kids not to play with their food exists in Japan as well. My question: What kind of sick child brain would think you could play with this? Faces are for eating, kid!

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Family Party

Kyary's newest 8-bit single is about understanding what's important in life and staying with the people you love. I think that's why the video depicts her battling a robot in some sort of incomprehensible game. In the end, Kyary, the robot, and the effeminate referee are all winners... just like how families... space tournaments... demon dog... cake card.

Communist Poster

The communist party in Japan is still alive and sort of well. They only have 8 and 11 members in the lower and upper houses respectively, but their posters can be seen all over the country.  They claim to be Marxist, but they're just a normal left wing party. You'd think that at some point they might want to change the name, but apparently there's not too much of a stigma associated with the term "communist." Either that or the Japanese are just super into gulag culture.

The poster above is typical of their recent one's which often depict cartoon characters (I'm pretty sure Stalin used similar tactics). The dork lady is saying, "We won't forgive black companies!" Black companies are just companies that break labor laws, like having workers work more hours than are legal and the likes. The current laws don't seem to be enforced at all. Anyway, that four-eyes commie-scum has a point. Still, the counterpoint is so easy to make, "Go back to Russia! Oh, and by the way, only whores wear all purple! I spit on you and your children!"

Old Lacy Bed

Japanese Indie Music Sundays

This band hails from Nagoya (a huge shout out to my Na-town peeps). All four members are women, so they're kind of like the Spice Girls minus maybe Sporty Spice or something. Also, unlike the Spice  Girls, they're Japanese, can play instruments, and don't really, really, really wanna zigazig ha. Nonetheless, there seems to be some real "girl power" present with this foursome. The songs of theirs I've heard are pretty simple, but there's some uniqueness to them that makes them interesting. Here's their song Little Girl.

Tori Chiki Ban Ban

Apparently this is a fried chicken place in Kyushu.  Tori means bird or chicken and "chiki" comes from chicken. Ban ban is how bang bang is written in Japanese. So, it's "chicken chicken bang bang" or "bird chicken bang bang." Take your pick. Sometimes you might see a chicken place that has a cartoon chicken mascot. This works well because most people (I can safely assume I am like most people) like to imagine that the meat they are ripping into was at one point a cute character that children adore. This restaurant has turned that concept upside down.

I guess the idea is that some assassin monkey dresses up as a chicken, probably "gets to know" all the hens, and then murders them. The consumer then can enjoy the lifeless carcasses. It turns out, this is also kind of fun to think about while you eat meat.

Dolce Time

Boss Man: Okay team. We've really got to hammer out an ad for Dolce Time. Remember, this product has cookies and raspberry sauce covering cheese flavored ice-cream. Something working with that would be great. So, did you guyz come up with anything?

Terry: ...trampoline?...

Boss Man: I don't think I'm following you, Terry.

Bob: No, he's right. My cousin is super good at trampolines and can run up walls and stuff.

Boss Man:...Okay...ahh...Did anyone come up with a jingle or anything?

Ron: You know how there's that one one sound  "che" in dolce?

Boss Man: Excuse me?

Bob: Actually, yeah, it's for sure a syllable.

Ron: Yeah, so I was thinking, che, che, che, dolce.

Boss Man: Oh, a man with rhythm. I like this. Anything else?

Terry: Mexican wrestling?...

Boss Man: Terry, why are you looking at the wall?

Ron: Oh yeah, a wrestling mask with "che" written on it!

Bob: My trampolining cousin's hobby is making wrestling masks!

Boss Man: It's not trampolining?

Ron: There should be an old guy watching that says it's dangerous. That would be a really good punch line.

Boss Man: I don't think you're using the term "punch line" appropriately. Is this seriously what you guyz want to do?

Bob: Boss Man, I just sexted my cousin and he's totally in!

Boss Man: (heavy sigh) Okay, just next time say texted.

Bob: ...But I made a penis joke in the text.

Boss Man: Still, just for me, say texted.

Bob: Sure thing, Boss Man.

Teriyaki Chicken Pizza Potato Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #81

Calbee has finally gotten around to making a pizza potato chip with everyone's favorite topping: teriyaki chicken. Like all Calbee pizza chips, there are globs of cheese on every chip. I'm very ashamed to admit this, but I don't believe I've ever actually had real teriyaki chicken pizza, so I don't know what exactly it should taste like. Apparently it has seaweed and mayonnaise on top.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 5  It tasted like a teriyaki chicken chip. The cheese flavor was very faint, and there didn't seem to be any other flavors.
Girlbot: 3  She only had one chip and wasn't impressed.
Overall: 4