GU Gaucho Pants

Here's the latest commercial GU has made for their new campaign. The three ladies are Yuu Kashii, Haru, and Mizuki Yamamoto. The idea is there's a girls meeting between the world's three most beautiful girls. The three women seem to hate life. The slogan at the end is, "You don't want to try, right?"

Anyway, that Cleopatra lady wants to be fashionable but be able to relax. The Helen of Troy lady says the solution is gaucho. She later makes fun of Cleo's hair and Cleo says, "That's my meat." She's angry! It's really a very hilarious joke. In between they wear gaucho pants and walk on treadmills. It's a very solid ad.

Butter Chicken Curry Jagarico

Japanese Food Review #96

Jagaricos are crispy potato snacks shaped like fries. I'm sure most of you remember three years ago when we reviewed Spicy Cheese Jagaricos. They received an overall score of 2.5. How will the curry incarnation fare?

First off, we have to give it up for the packaging.

All barcodes should be Taj Mahals from now on.

The giraffes are Indian! That's fun!

The flavor was also of a high quality. It tasted very much like an Indian curry. Most curry flavor snacks in Japan are supposed to taste like Japanese curry. I like that flavor, but I prefer Indian curry. This was the first time I have tasted a potato snack with this particular flavor. The butter flavoring was strong as well, but not at all gross or overpowering.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 9  I don't know that I'd want to eat them all the time, but I'll definitely buy them again if they are re-released in the future.
Girlbot: 7  She was surprised by how much they tasted like curry and was happy they weren't spicy.
Overall: 8

A very solid score for the Indian giraffe family.

Mochi Injures 5

This wants to murder you.

Of course every year people die from choking on mochi, or rice cakes, but now the treat is finding new ways to hunt human prey. At a festival in the South Village of Okayama, three women and two elementary school students were hit in the head by mochi and taken to the hospital.

According to the fire department (because apparently they're in charge of not only cats in trees, but mochi related head injuries as well) at 3:30pm an event was held where mochi was thrown from a stage into a crowd. This is a common event. Often the mochi has paper connected to it saying you won a prize. The fire department went on to explain that the mochi was round as well as pink and white. Good to know.

The festival organizers said they froze the mochi beforehand to prevent molding, and they admit that they may not have properly thawed the mochi.  They said, "We apologize that we injured people during an event that should have been fun. We will examine how to improve things like our preparation method." One would expect the investigation to take at least a few months. One solution could be to first touch the mochi to determine if it's as hard as a rock. If it is, you could ask yourself if you would like to be hit in the head with it. If not, think twice about throwing it at others.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Bones Found in Toilet

We all need to mourn in our own way.

I think when you first visit a foreign country, you are fascinated in the ways it's different. But the longer you stay there, the more you realize the similarities far outnumber the differences. We're all just humans at the end of the day.

Today I saw a story that really brought this home for me. I, like most people, grew up hearing my father's plan for his funeral multiple times a year. It was a little silly, and he admitted it wouldn't really happen, but it still brought joy into the old man's heart. The plan was to be cremated and flushed down a public toilet while his closest friends pissed on his remains. Well, it warms my heart to report that there must have been a Japanese version of my father out there.

You see, what appears to be a large amount of cremated human bones was found in a supermarket's toilet in Tokyo on the 23rd. No other details were released, but I think we can safely assume that two or three elderly men urinated all over their dear friend and then ran for the exit upon realizing that bones don't easily flush down toilets. You're in a better place, Japanese dad.

Source: Yomiuri Online

Teruki Goto

Political posters in Japan are often humorous, but this one for the guy running for the mayor of Chiyoda takes it to a different level. You probably couldn't tell from the poster, but this man is likely clinically insane. He's right wing... mostly. Like, he thinks the Nanking Massacre is a fabrication told by foreigners. He wants less foreigners in Japan. Japan should restore its traditional values. That kind of jazz.

But he also has thoughts that don't seem conservative at all. For example, all women should receive free birth control until age 25. This is especially surprising because almost no one in Japan uses birth control and most of the talk is about how to increase the birthrate.

Then he has thoughts that aren't really on anyone's radar. He wants to popularize the use of surgeon robots. He wants to develop a medicine that cures baldness. He thinks Japan should win the FIFA World Cup. You know, the kinds of things mayors control.

He has opinions on everything. If you can read Japanese, you should check out Teruki Goto's site. I've only read maybe 5% and already found these cool facts

KFC Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #95

I know you're all thinking, "Didn't you already review these in November of 2012?" You really all are idiots, aren't you? We reviewed salty ginger KFC chips last time. These are boneless crunchy salt KFC chips. We gave the ginger chips a rating of 3.5 and concluded that the Colonel was spinning in his grave. Will the Calbee chip scientists fair better this time around?

First off, I don't know why they chose to simulate boneless chicken if they wanted to make them crunchy. Bones are the crunchiest part, right? The chips were a little spicy and had a lot of black pepper on them. I haven't been to KFC in awhile, but this never used to be a staple of their product. There was a bit of a chicken taste, but it didn't bring KFC to mind. It was similar to the chicken flavoring in cheap instant ramen.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 5  I like black pepper chips, but Calbee's plain black pepper chips are much better than these.
Girlbot: 0  She couldn't eat these, and she loves potato chips. She said they were too spicy and tasted bad.
Overall: 2.5

Ladies and gentlemen..., he's still spinning.

Teacher Buries Kittens Alive

Some parents argue that cats should not be murdered/tortured by teachers.

A male high school teacher in Chiba was arrested for burying five kittens alive on school property. The teacher, in his 30s, had three male students assist in digging the hole. Later, by himself, he buried the kittens, which appeared to be no older than 5 days old.

In his statement he said, "I buried them without thinking of the consequences. I didn't think about what the students would think. I'm very sorry." In his defense, it is always difficult to guess how other humans feel about burying things alive, especially when those humans are in a younger age group. The world changes so fast!

Sources: Yomiuri Online, asahi.com

Refrain from Skipping

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that we've finally outlawed skipping, but, at the same time, speed walking, winking, hand gestures, and general frolicking are all more or less accepted as permissible. We still have a long way to go as a society. #justsayin

Side note: The Japanese actually says no skipping rope.

R2-D2 Plane

ANA has finally come out with a silent film promoting their new R2-D2 jet that will start service in the fall.



You can get a little more information or watch the video with stars in the background on ANA's website. It might seem like a pointless promotion, but they explain why they chose R2-D2:

"No. 1 reliability! Popular character who connects the Star Wars episodes. In the long adventurous journey, R2-D2 reached a unique personality. Highly loyal and whenever he faces challenge he comes up with an original idea to succeed the mission."

Definitely brings a tear to the eye. It was a really cool idea to hire a writer who, like R2-D2, is unable to speak English. I think it's safe to say that someday they will reach a unique personality as well!

Taco Bell Access Rap

Taco Bell is opening up in Tokyo!!! In honor of the event, they decided to remind us once again that the only thing "más good" than fake, cheap Mexican food, is fake, cheap rap about fake, cheap Mexican food. The rap starts by explaining how to get to the store. They magically find a way to make what should be a seven second explanation take two minutes. And then the beautiful chorus:

Tacos, burrito, crunch wrap,
Nachos, fajita, quesadilla, 
Japan original taco rice.
ima sugu choudai!(Give it to me right away)
Taco Bell choudai! (Give me Taco Bell)

The Gyojah Boyz (Pilgrim Boyz?) have really outdone themselves this time. Fun note, one of the MC's is called MC 卍. Yes, it's a backwards buddhist swastika, but still fun.

Amazing Family Mart Spring Festival

I've already written extensively on the subject of Ultraman being a modern day Jesus. It seems Family Mart, a popular convenience store, has decided to use Ultraman in a sort of Easter substitute celebration.

Editor's note: Family Mart has deleted the commercial from youtube. Here is another monster thing they made if you really need to see a convenience store monster.



You see, those monsters are demonstrating that if you spend over ¥700, you get a raffle ticket and can win a great prize. That crazy monster gets his claw stuck in the box! Religion can be fun after all!

Kinniku Man Toy

I used to collect muscle man toys as a kid, so I was very aroused to find this toy. I think it's really cool that there's an earphone jack for each of the toys. I love pushing my toys in and out of my phone. Also, they chose a really nice color for the plug. It isn't too distracting and fits right in.

There are five different toys showing finishing "holds" in all. Check out the lineup:

I was hoping for the top one that makes me feel like a real man, but I got the second best one.

It's called the toilet flush. This guy is a urinal and is murdering someone. It's fun! Oh, and I'm pretty sure he has a poop hat on. I'm so glad I was able to find more poop news for the blog.

Open to Change Zima Commercial

A lot of you know that the main reason I can't move back to America is my debilitating addiction to Zima. Well, my illness just got that much radder!



Zima is back in a BIG way! Zima truly is clear magic!

Maybe you think that ad doesn't make sense, but you probably just don't understand how they're making a bunch of new flavors like peach and coconut. You don't get that because they don't explain that at all in the commercial. Also, even if you know that, the commercial has nothing to do with the "open to change" theme.

Just thought I'd point out that the views are in the 30s and this video has been up for over a month. It's about to blow up!

Pepsi Pink Cola

Japanese Food Review #94

I hope this doesn't "ruffle" any feathers, but I'm going to review a drink as if it were a food. No hate mail, please.

One thing I hate about cola is that it's brown and tastes like cola. Luckily, Pepsi in Japan often has limited edition flavors. Perhaps you remember Salty Watermelon Pepsi. It wasn't good.

When I first opened Pepsi Pink, I thought it smelled like a fake fruit punch or something. Then I tasted it, and it had a little bit of a cola flavor mixed in. I didn't know this at the time, but it was released once before in 2011. At that time, the bottle said it was strawberry and milk flavor. I did think it had a faint fake strawberry taste, but I didn't notice any milk flavor.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I'm not a big fan of Pepsi, but this was sort of nice to try one time. It, at least, had an original taste.
Girlbot: 7.5  She almost never drinks soda. Like, she doesn't know if she prefers Pepsi or Coke and can't remember how they taste. Still, she thinks this is slightly better than Pepsi.
Overall: 5.75

Crash Biscuit Cake

Um, pretty sure you meant Crash Cookie Cake, you idiot!

Deoball

This ad is for a deodorant ball. The best part is when the balls shoot out of the Deoball fairy lady's armpit. It's cool that all the women appeared to be on the verge of death and then wanted to show off their armpits at the end. I also like that the containers look exactly like their lip balm containers called Chulip. Chu is the sound a kiss makes in Japanese. Um, check that out I guess:




See? Same shape. I can easily see waking up after a destructive night of drinking and wanting to kiss something my girlfriend (the one who probably really left me last night) has touched to her lips, and then I accidentally make out with her deodorant, get violently ill, and end up in rehab. Or maybe I develop an armpit fetish and mistakenly kiss lip balm. That would be sort of fun, too.

These products are all made by a company called Rohto, by the way. I wanted to show the difference in their marketing to men and women. So that top commercial was girly and colorful. Below is a soap for men that specializes in making you not smell (unlike that soap you use now that doesn't actually clean you).




So women want to be cute fairies and men want to be evil Greek gods or something.

Goteara Pork

The old Goteara Pork ad was about as good as it gets. Every time I walk by sausages in a grocery store that song comes to mind. It took me a long time to come to terms with this, but I guess the new campaign is okay. The song is crap, but it's sufficiently strange. Actually, the whole thing almost seems like a parody of a Japanese commercial.



I like the sound the sausage makes when the kid bites into it. They also made an animated version in case seeing human children with cartoon eyes doesn't make you want to buy stuff. Check it out.

Easter Apple Pie Kit Kat

Japanese Food Review #93

Happy Easter! I hope you all found the traditional Easter pie that a rabbit hid for you!

I don't know why Japanese Kit Kat chose to make an apple pie flavor for Easter, but once you get beyond that, this just makes a lot of sense. On the bottom right it says it's apple pie flavor made with carrot. I'm not sure if that's because bunnies eat carrots or because they got apple pie and carrot cake mixed up. Anyway, the treat is 4.2% apple and 0.3% carrot, so it's a healthy snack. That egg on the top right basically says, "Get a good start with Easter!" On the back it explains that they mean a good start to spring. They know that you are supposed to look for eggs..., so they made some of the Kit Kats say "Lucky Easter". You should look for those. If you find one of them then... you will have found a Kit Kat that says "Lucky Easter".

The flavor was not very good. It didn't taste anything like apple pie. I was expecting some cinnamon or something, but it tasted more like a green apple Jolly Rancher. I guess the wafer sort of adds a pie taste? Also, they wanted it to look like bunny ears so they made the bottom third with white chocolate  flat across the surface. Because of this, you can not break the Kit Kat in half. I literally could not give you a break of that Kit Kat bar. So ironic!

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4
Girlbot: 6  She was surprised by the strong smell, but she also thought it was a good smell. She thinks it would be good with coffee. Also, she notes that she was very hungry when she tried it.
Overall: 5