Tsuyatsuya Prune Jelly

I've always wondered why people tell me I have "dry skin" or "a repulsive face." It turns out that I should be eating more prune jelly. The lyrics to this jingle really explain it all. Here's a rough translation.

If your stomach growls
It's your chance to be pretty.
Tsuyatsuya Prune,
Pretty is prune.
Tsuyatsuya Prune.

Sea Chicken & Mayo Chips

Japanese Food Review #58

 It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of canned tuna. That's why I was so excited to try Calbee's new Sea Chicken (that's what people call canned tuna in Japan) and mayo potato chips. Obviously I often use canned tuna as a dip for chips, so this had the potential of being another great time saver. I was met by the lovely sent of canned tuna upon opening the bag. It was quite strong, so I was surprised to find that the taste was not. It even seemed that the mayonnaise flavoring was stronger than the tuna. Looks like we'll still have to pour tuna all over our food.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3 They weren't that bad, but they shouldn't exist.
Girlbot: 2.5 She said she couldn't tell what the flavor was.
Overall: 2.75

Drunk Man on the Tracks

I was for some reason watching videos of drunk businessmen when I came across this. I guess this guy lost his wallet, freaked out and jumped on the tracks for some reason. This sets off the buzzer you hear in the video. When the station attendant comes over, the drunk dude decides its his chance to wrestle and take his shirt off. The station attendant keeps telling him to calm down as he tries to keep his hat on. Everyone else watches silently until the attendant runs away. Then an older gentleman scolds the drunk guy, who in turn apologizes as if his life depends on it. Man alive, that must have been a super nice wallet. Poor guy.

Watermelon Thief

What evil villain is stealing our produce this time?

Yomiuri Online reported that someone (or something) has been stealing watermelons and squashes in Chikusei, Ibaraki. Last week around 300 squashes and 20 watermelons were stolen from a field. The produce was apparently worth roughly $1500. A victimless crime, right? (Other than those greedy farmers).  The police in Chikusei don't seem to agree. In fact, they'd been warning farmers to be on the look out for watermelon thieves after 700 were stolen from a greenhouse last month. The citizens have remained vigilant. That's why they were able to announce that this time the produce was stolen sometime between 5:00pm on the 18th and 10:00am... on the 24th. So it could be anyone. Perhaps it was the mafia, or aliens, or 2nd graders using their bikes and backpacks to see how many they could steal before that idiot farmer sobered up.

Feel Windy

Obviously it's hard to keep the babes away with a bike like this. I mean, chicks just dig my feel windy need for speed attitude. Of course some neighborhood kids have spread the rumor that I have excessive gas, but little girls will be little girls, right?

Kodomo No Nomimono

Another fake beer for kids.

Kyary and AU

I think this is the third commercial Kyary Pamyu Pamyu has made in about the last month or so. This time she teams up with Goriki, AU's normal spokesperson (she's that girl with short hair who introduces Kyary). She's also kind of the it girl in Japan right now. The commercial features the song Norikotonoriwo. She keeps singing, "Norikaeru," which would usually mean changing trains, but I guess it's used for changing phone companies in this case. The ad is for a special discount for switching to AU. Kaeru means "change," but it can also mean "frog," so that explains why that frog has a moustache and why Kyary's doing that hand seizure dance.

Nori Kimchi Potato Chips

Last time we discovered that Pringles attempt to create a delicious kimchi flavored chip was less than wildly successful. Will Calbee fare any better?

Japanese Food Review #57

  Calbee has created these nori (seaweed) kimchi chips. Nori chips are quite common in Japan, and I have to admit I'm not a very big fan of them. Let's just say I've never walked into a bar and had someone say to me, "Hey, you're that guy who enjoys consuming nori chips, right?" (true story). Anyway, Calbee boasts that they've used real Korean seaweed and that the kimchi slowly becomes spicy in your mouth. Sounds like they've really put a lot of thought into making the perfect chip, but I'd say the fatal flaw with their recipe is that instead of trying to simulate the flavor of "good" kimchi, they instead went for the "rotten vomit" variety. It tasted like cheap American kimchi. I thought they were awful after the first chip, but I ate a couple more in case I was simply not accustomed to the flavor. After 4 chips, my verdict had not changed.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 1    It pains me to say this about a Calbee chip, but these may have been the worst chips I've ever tasted.
Girlbot: 1  She also said they were terrible. Then she ate nearly half the bag. I asked her why, and she said she had gotten used to them but didn't want to change her score.
Overall: 1

Pringles wins.
Is there no one out there that can make a delicious kimchi chip?

Ice No Mi

A little while back I was bemoaning the fact that Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new song Mi seemed to be just another song crapped out for the indiscriminate consumer. It turns out that it, like most of her singles, appears to have been written to promote another product. In this case, it's for Ice No Mi or "The Fruit of Ice" in English. This is perhaps her finest commercial yet. I'm guessing it could give you a seizure, and it's almost impossible to tell what is actually being sold. And why are giant ducks puking out the product? I've never tried Ice No Mi, but apparently they're frozen balls that are 80% fruit juice.

Korean Kimchi Pringles

This week, we will be taking an in-depth look at two kimchi flavored potato chips. Today we examine what the creative minds at Pringles have come up with, while tomorrow it's Calbee's scientists turn to impress.

Japanese Food Review #56

 First off, Pringles really nailed the can's design this time. The marketers are right. The question isn't, "What would Kimchi Pringles taste like?" The question is, "What if Pringles could move?" The answer, of course, is that eventually they'd tightrope above a pot of kimchi. One can safely assume that a Pringles chip, if animated, would have a difficult time controlling its center of gravity. So another even more intriguing question arises. "If only the slightest breeze were to occur, does it not stand to reason that the light chip with a large surface area might perchance tumble from the rope upon which it balances into the pot below? And what flavor would that spawn?" All great questions. Unfortunately, Pringles instead just made spicy chips and added some vinegar or something, so the mystery remains unsolved.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5  Perhaps the worst Pringles I've ever tried.
Girlbot: 2 She was tempted to give a one, but you should never give the first entry a one in a competition.
Overall: 2.75