Everything you want to know.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Toto Kids

Toto is a company that makes toilets. If you check out http://www.toto.co.jp and scroll down a bit, you'll see a "Toto Kids" icon to click on. It's all in Japanese and is very fun. There's a video game where you try to get poop in the toilet. Lot's of other stuff as well. You can get pages to color and wallpaper as well. Here are a few of the pages:



Kids love jumping up a rainbow into the arms of a poop... far above a toilet factory, or something.


Always have to let the poop man put the final cherry on the Christmas cake.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

Hamster No Ginji

@kawanabesatou is a semi-popular Twitter account that features pictures of hamsters in miniature worlds (mostly bars or coffee shops). If you want to see several of these photos a day, check out that link, or, if you want to see a couple pictures once, look below and do nothing else. Is that all clear now?





Told you guyz life isn't meaningless!

Friday, August 28, 2015

Kagoshima Governor Asks Why Girls Are Taught Trigonometry

Shouldn't we be helping lady brains
get even better at making cute food?
Yuichiro Ito, the governor of Kagoshima, asked, "What's the point of teaching high school girls about sines, cosines and tangents?" at a meeting with the prefectural board of education.

He later said, "I meant I've never used any of them. It was a slip of the tongue." I can totally relate to the guy. It's weird that I always talk about how women are lesser beings... Whoops! Another classic slip of the tongue. I meant I'm a lesser being, or whatever.


Source: Mainichi Shimbun

Also, mad props to @Mulboyne where I first saw the story.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

"COW" Brand Beauty Soap


Human 1: You have any ideas for the name of our beauty soap.
Human 2: Yeah, I was thinking "cow" brand beauty soap.
Human 1: Oh, I get it. Because you can brand cows and stuff.
Human 2: No, what? Because it's a product, like my Nike brand shoes here.
Human 1: Oh, wait, then why cow?
Human 2: You know, everywhere I go people are always saying, "Hey, look at that fucking cow!"
Human 1: ...yeah?
Human 2: Are you going to make me say it? I'm a beautiful man! Look at these thighs for God's sake.
Human 1: ...Yeah, I didn't have any ideas, so...yeah.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Green Curry Pringles

Japanese Food Review #106

Thai Curry Chip Week rages on! I don't have much to say. At first I thought they didn't really taste like green curry. They weren't hot at all and reminded me of fajitas a little. Still, it was a good flavor no matter what it was. I think the onion and pepper flavors were strong. The other flavor kind of reminded me of avocado, but I realized it was like coconut milk mixed with other flavors. After about five chips it tasted basically like green curry with almost no spice at all.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 7
Girlbot: 5  She likes them, but they weren't super good.
Overall: 6

Pringles easily wins.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Gaius Marius

I think it's safe to assume that anyone reading this blog also has a strong interest in ancient Rome. Also, you likely don't read "books". For some reason I read Plutarch's Life of Gaius Marius yesterday (the first part of the Penguin Classic Fall of the Roman Republic). If you actually care about history, you should probably read it, but I thought there were several interesting, unimportant facts and would like to share them with you. Just for reference, Marius lived from 157 to 86 BC. Okay, onto stuff no one cares about.

*Plutarch wrote, "The Spaniards in those days still thought that to be a bandit was a most honorable profession." God damn Spaniards never change.

*Before a battle with these Cimbri barbarians, the Cimbri  dudes thought they needed to show off how strong and brave they were. They got naked and climbed a mountain during a snowstorm and then slid down the steepest parts on their shields and jumped over crevasses. Dude, Youtube is going to get so much better if they ever invent the time machine camera.

*Plutarch said it's common knowledge that it rains after a big battle. Then he tried to reason why that would happen. It's either that some supernatural power is cleansing the earth or that the rotting flesh sends vapors into the sky causing rain. Both are pretty scientific thoughts. Tough to say which is right. Probably a combination of the two.

*Marius had a group of people in his house that wanted to kill this dude, Saturninus. Saturninus, who also came to the house through a different door, had done Marius a solid, so they were kind of allies. Anyway, Marius pretended to both parties that he had diarrhea and ran back and forth stirring up trouble. It seriously sounds like the best sitcom ever.

*In the end, it was clear that Sulla would return and murder Marius. Instead of fleeing or meeting death honorably, Marius just went crazy. He tried to drink himself to sleep at all hours of the day and seemed to be hallucinating being on the battlefield while on his deathbed. Plutarch, I guess just to make us understand that he thought Marius was an idiot, compared this to Plato's final moments when he thanked his guardian spirit for three things:

1. For being born a human and not an animal.
2. For being born Greek and not a foreigner.
3. For being born in the age of Socrates.

It really makes me think about how lucky I am. I mean, I hate animals, and I'm so glad I wasn't born one of those god damn, bandit loving, Spaniards. And I'm just so thankful to share this planet with Oprah and her brilliant mind.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Mango Curry Chips

 Japanese Food Review #105

Well, it's "Thai Curry Chip Week" once again here at the Times. This year we have two exciting entrants.


First up is a mango curry chip produced by Koikeya in their Exochip line. I believe Exochip is short for exotic chip, so my first reaction was to be incredibly turned on by these. Well played, Koikeya. The chip is said to combine the sweetness of a mango with the mild taste of coconut milk. You'd think they'd mention something about spices. They smelled pretty crappy and not particularly like mangoes or curry. There wasn't a strong curry taste, but it was there with a little mango taste that came on stronger the longer I chewed.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  It wasn't the worst, but after 5 chips or so, I'd had enough.
Girlbot: 1  She hates mangos. She said these tasted like chemicals (but she also thinks mangoes taste like chemicals). I didn't notice this at first, but after she pointed it out, I did notice there was a faint, soapy aftertaste.
Overall: 2

Will the other Thai curry chip score higher than 2 and take home the coveted trophy? Check back multiple times a day to find out!

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Tatsuya Tanaka

Tatsuya Tanaka has been making miniature sculptures out of household items everyday for the past five years. You can check out his miniature calendar here or follow him on Instagram. Below is a small sample of his work.














Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Crazy Party Night : Pumpkins Strike Back



We'll soon be 80 short days away from the spookiest night of the year! Time to break out the Halloween music. Kyary, of course, had another Halloween song a few years back, Fashion Monster. Pumpkins Strike Back seems to be an obvious reference to that of an empire striking back, so we can all look forward to even more Halloween music in the future.

Again, the chorus is very poetic. It captures the joy of a crazy party night so well, but, at the same time, it recognizes what Halloween is all about. It makes us examine our own mortality. It might cause our innermost fears to come to the surface, and in the end we can only but go mad realizing the absurdity of this reality... so it becomes all that much more of a crazy party night. The chorus goes like this:

Pum pum pum with pumpkin,
Dancing dancing Halloween,
Kawaii o-bake no Halloween (a cute ghost's Halloween),
Pu pum with pumpkin,
Crazy crazy crazy night,
Dancing dancing pumpkin,
Crazy crazy party night.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Potato Salad Potato Snack

Japanese Food Review #104


Most of you know that I have a pretty complicated relationship with potato salad.

Things I like about potato salad:

1. The flavor (sort of)

Things I don't like about potato salad:

1. Too wet

2. Sometimes you can feel the potatoes and other vegetables.

That's why I was so excited that Calbee made this snack. These are a version of Sapporo Potato, a snack that is usually vegetable flavor. They're shaped like fries and are mostly air. I think they're supposed to be a healthy alternative to chips, so if you're Japanese mom is an idiot, you're allowed to eat these instead of good snacks.

For this new flavor, Calbee asked some elementary school students to help choose the flavor. Kids are worse at life than other humans so the flavor is potato salad with apples. What the hell, kids? It might be that the kids just thought it would be super funny to mess with Calbee. That's for sure what I would've done.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  Pretty bad odor came from the bag. Mostly just tasted like potato salad, though. Sometimes I thought I could taste some apple in there. Nothing I ever want to eat again.
Girlbot: 5  She also didn't like them much, but she likes Sapporo Potato in general and ate most of the bag.
Overall: 4.5


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Super Viral GIF 2.0


Again, please don't steal this to make money. This is the property of the Times.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Luke's House


Pretty weird buildings around Luke Skywalker's house these days.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Pic of the Day


Drove past this today. It was just one car on it's side. Probably took the curve too fast. Anyway, something for you to all try at home.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Anpanman Shoes



Most shoes for kids in Japan are super shiny and insanely decorated.

Friday, August 14, 2015

Orix Buffaloes Animal Jerseys



This is an ad the Orix Buffaloes made for their special animal jerseys. They have all the cool, intimidating animals: giraffe, zebra, red panda, snake, sheep, panda, panther, flamingo, peacock, and black bear. It looks like they asked the players to try and pose like the animal they were wearing? Most of the players did what I would consider the "cute lady cat" pose. Here are some more pics on their site.

Dong Chopped Off, Flushed Down Toilet



In what one can safely imagine is already being referred to as "the cockblocking of the century", Ikki Kotsugai (24) has been arrested for chopping off a 42-year-old lawyer's lower member and flushing it down a toilet. Many are saying it was a pretty dick move.

Kotsugai, a graduate student and former pro boxer, entered the victim's law office around 7:40pm on the 13th. He punched the victim in the face several times before prying his pants off and removing the dong with pruning shears. Then, in a move that truly took balls, Kotsugai carried the removed part to a public restroom on the same floor and flushed it down the toilet.

Kotsugai's wife works at the same law office. Police believe she may have had some sort of romantic involvement with the lawyer (or she could have been harassed, too), and the former pro boxer may have been coming for revenge.

Sources: Japan Today
              TBS

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Cleavage Diver Necklace

I've always been pretty in tune with how women think, and I know a lot of you can't stand all that creepy eye contact guys give you. "Are you even going to glance once at my jugs today?" is something I imagine you're always thinking. Guess what, ladies? Problem solved!


TANIMA DIVER Introduction movie from ekoD Works on Vimeo.

The fine folks at ekoD Works have made this "visual art series" called "Tanima Diver". Tanima means "valley" but can also mean "cleavage". So these little dudes look like their diving between your breasts. I know guys usually don't want to look there, but I've yet to meet a man who can keep his eyes off a toy scuba diver.

Anyway, it will look like this:

This is explained in the video, but if you're anything like me and don't have much in the way of breasts, you can buy one of ekoD Works shirts that looks like this:

And then combine the two to look like this:
Check out the ekoD Works site for more diving shots and to buy your special lady, mother, or any other female you may know a very thoughtful gift.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Itasupo Rubbing Pillow



Huge news in the "pretending your pillow is your girlfriend" world! Our girlfriends can now talk when caressed!!!!! There are sensors in different spots in the pillow and will respond to your romantic touches. For example, the pillow Yuka Makuraba says, "That tickles," when her tummy is rubbed and, "I like when you do that," when you rub her forehead. See! It teaches you! I'll have to try that forehead rub thing if I'm ever near a woman. That's not all. If your touch is too strong, she says, "Can't you be more gentle?" Apparently, just like everyone's dream woman, she also tells you not to touch her in certain places!

By the way, she says she's 16 and the older sister of Rina. Rina was the original pillow. At the end they ask, "Which will be your wife!" So, um, yeah. I guess I'll date the younger one for 4 years before the big wedding night.

Did you want to see the sales representative and Rina pillow?


Happy 10


Can't wait to force my wife to dress up like this for our 10th anniversary.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Super Viral GIF

It seems like the memes we made didn't go quite as viral as we'd hoped. Still, thank you for your support in making them go sort of viral. I've been informed that people like "GIFs", so let's make this go VIRAL!!! I was thinking Michelle Obama or Sesame Street could use it to show that eating vegetables is indeed cool.


Rest assured, this is only the tip of the iceberg of how much time I have and will waste!

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Regional Fuchiko

I truly believe I'm over my addiction to Fuchiko toys. The ones below were given to me as a souvenir.  They were purchased on the toll road between Osaka and Nagoya, so they make the perfect gift if you forgot to buy a gift in the city you visited.





This time Fuchiko has teamed up with Hello Kitty. I guess they figure that some people like small women on their cups, and other people like Hello Kitty, so they should be able to sell twice as much or something. There are six identical positions for each toy, but the colors are different. The box on the left represents Nagoya, while the one on the right is for Osaka. For the Osaka one, her outfit looks like a Hanshin Tigers' uniform (the most popular baseball team in Osaka). The box is decorated with a famous food from Osaka (takoyaki), Osaka Castle, and Tsutenkaku Tower. The Nagoya one is yellow and orange because that's kind of the color of the golden fish on top of Nagoya Castle... and there are flowers. They couldn't think of anything for Nagoya, I guess.

Look at the ones I got!



Osaka is coming in strong with the hanging upside-down position. Let's check out Nagoya's representative.


Okay, she's just hanging there... Wait a second...


Money shot! Nagoya wins in a landslide!

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Shoko Nakagawa's Cicada Hair

A lot of readers complained that I didn't show enough hot babes from the World Cosplay Summit yesterday. I think you guyz are all sexist, but if it's hot babes you want, it's hot babes you'll get. Here's a recent "tweet" from Shoko Nakagawa:

The caption reads:

Again this year, summer has finally come.

She's covered in the outer shells of a bunch of cicadas. Nature is so beautiful.



Ms. Nakagawa, who often goes by Shokotan, is a tarento and a bunch of other stuff. Basically, she's on TV all the time, but at first I didn't recognize her. I asked Girlbot who she was. She said she's a strange famous person.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She really likes to smell cats' butts... Really likes it."

That's probably the most important fact I've heard about anyone ever.

World Cosplay Summit 2015

A lot of people have been writing in telling me how much I suck in general and for not covering the World Cosplay Summit for a second year in a row. Luckily, a ton of other folks have put pictures on "twitter" and other sites.

You can obviously check out these other news sources, but I have found that you basically have to look at hundreds of cute/sexy girl pics before you find an actual cool costume. So if you want to see attractive women wearing next to nothing and trying to embody most men's fantasy, look elsewhere! It's time for the Times to give out some REAL awards!

"Cutest couple" award:

It's cool to see two people that clearly love each other so much despite their wildly different hair colors. #EternalLove


"Most erotic couple" award:

If you're not turned on right now, you're probably going to want to ask a doctor what's wrong with you.

"Best Crocodile Dundee" award:

Dundee is still at it with his old, "You call that a knife!" routine. Keep it up, "mate"!

"Best Kirby" award:

This is always one of the most competitive categories. Congratulations!

"Hottest stud" award:
 Anytime you put both boots and nipples in the same photo, you've got my attention! Yum yum!

Best smile award:


Just as the "tweet" noted, that's a very nice smile. Can't beat it this year!

"Best eyes" award:


Um, yes please! Daddy likey!

"Best eyes and eyebrows combination" award:


Wow! Also a close second for the "best smile" award.

"Best trio hand positioning" award:

These three just ran away with it this year.

"Best Abe Lincoln" award:

Surprisingly few competitors in this category, but he would have been tough to beat any year!

"Chap with whom you would most want to have a lager" award:

Would have been tough to beat even without the roller skate feet.

There you have it! I don't know, maybe we'll do some more coverage. Stay tuned?

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Lemongina

This is kind of old news, but last spring, the makers of Orangina (Suntory in Japan) made a carbonated lemon beverage called Lemongina. Some people said it was okay or even good. However, many others said it was horrible. A common complaint was that it tasted like dirt. Perhaps this is why I didn't get around to trying it, but when I saw a shop selling it for ¥15 cheaper than usual, I just had to have it.

For me, it tasted like a lemon version of Orangina. It was sweeter than I would want a lemonade to be. It also tasted a little grapefruity? It reminded me of Squirt a bit. Still, I didn't detect any soil seasoning. Girlbot tried it and said the aftertaste did not taste like dirt, but somehow smelled like dirt. She said after she swallowed, bubbles went up to her nose and wreaked of the earth. I don't know, maybe American dirt tastes different from Japanese dirt. I'll have to give it a try soon.

Suntory has recently tried to promote a new way to consume Lemongina. Why not mix it with another of their delicious products, Jim Beam? Here is a commercial where Rola demonstrates the making of this new creation.



I don't even need to try this to know what I'd think. Jim Beam makes everything at least pretty good, but I'll stick with the tried and true Beam & whole milk, thank you very much.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Chupa Chups

It's getting more and more difficult for corporations to successfully push sugar on a public that is increasingly aware of the dangers of diabetes and other health problems. Still, Chupa Chups does make a rather convincing argument for at least giving them a try:

Monday, August 3, 2015

Poo's Questionable Views


I know these days it's fashionable for young people to say they like poo and what have you, but did you know poo is pretty much openly anti-dolphin, or something? I mean, it's cool if you're pro-poo, just know what you're supporting. Get educated people!

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Banana Potato Chips

Japanese Food Review #103


These are made by Koikeya. They are a major company, but anyone in the Japanese snack game knows they are a poor man's Calbee's. They have produced three fruit flavored potato chips this year, peach, mandarin, and, the type we will be examining today, banana.

There is a "press release" on the Koikeya website explaining that they would like their fruit chips to become the "4th breakfast" joining bread, rice, and granola. They said they noticed that pancakes (perhaps considered a bread?) and granola are very popular with people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. We all know that children and people over 50 hate pancakes. Anyway, they discovered that both pancakes and granola are often eaten with fruit! So why not spray chips with banana powder?!

While the bag says "banana powder was used", I couldn't detect any real banana flavor. I guess I'm not sure what banana powder means, but it was just that very fake banana taste. If you want to taste this and don't live in Japan, maybe grate some banana laffy taffy over some chips and enjoy. It was that exact flavor. That sounds awful, and it was, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't eat it. I had two chips. I could have eaten the whole bag, but the thought, "What the hell am I doing?" came to mind, and I stopped.

I think the recipe they share on the back is also of interest.


It's marshmallow banana toast. You put marshmallows, bananas, and banana potato chips on toast and cover it in chocolate sauce. I think it's for people that are worried eating only chips for breakfast is unhealthy. They say the crunchy chips and fluffy marshmallows go well together.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 2.5  Again, I could eat it.
Girlbot: 1  She noted that the banana flavor is very strong when you first put it in your mouth, but it fades away and then only tastes like a chip.
Overall: 1.75

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Stay Hot Kawaii



Nissin has been making very enjoyable Cup Noodle commercials lately. This is their summer commercial.

SPOILER ALERT: I'm going to tell you everything that happens in the above video.

A high school girl is enjoying a cup of instant ramen. She says:

This flavor! Cup Noodle is super cute! Noodles are cute! Shrimp are cute! Hot water is cute! All of it is cute!

All the while she's turning into a Sailor Moon type character. Then a voice says, "Stay hot. Cup Noodle." This reminds us that we definitely don't want to eat this in the summer.

Oh, that was a great commercial..., but wait! We're only half way through! Next we see Tatsuo Umemiya, a famous 77-year-old actor. The audience is wondering what funny transformation we'll see him undergo. This is why I'm not in marketing. I couldn't see that the answer was to have him do the exact same thing as the high school girl.

Fun fact about Mr. Umemiya: He was born in Harbin, China because his family was stationed in Manchuria until after the war ended.