Teacher Walks Home in Sneakers...and Nothing Else

Take your clothes off, you fool!

I think this story could be considered a Christmas miracle of sorts. A temporary teacher (that probably means he was hired for a year or less while a full time teacher is on maternity leave or something) was arrested for walking down the road near his home around 2:00 AM wearing nothing but sneakers. Wait, check that... He was also wearing a backpack full of his clothes. The man had a perfectly logical explanation. You see, he had just attended his school's year end party. In Japan, these parties usually involve binge drinking. Apparently this teacher had partaken a little too much in the festivities. So that explains it, right? Just some drunk guy... but no! It seems this teacher had a very good reason for walking in the nude. He told officers that he removed his clothes to sober up. I knew there was a reason I'm always dropping my pants at bars! Let this Christmas miracle be remembered henceforth. I mean, first it was the birth of our lord, and now the discovery of how to sober up quickly. When I think of how many job interviews I ruined just because I didn't know this simple trick! Anyway, I guess getting sober is still against the law in Japan.

Santaman

Here's Santaman in his classic "will he, won't he come out of the closet" pose. Enough kidding aside, it truly is a lovely costume. Also, below "Santaman" it says "Santamaria," so I guess that's the female equivalent. Or Santamaria could be Japanese for Mrs. Claus. You truly learn something new everyday!

Dynamite Boat Race

I know I shouldn't post such an arousing video on this, one of the holiest of all eve's, but I just couldn't help myself, and they are kind of wrapped up like presents. I don't want to bore you with a long explanation. I think we all know that anonymous cat women equals go see a boat race, but I would like to focus your attention a little bit on the saucy red cat. At the end of the commercial you are ordered to guess who she is. I'm pretty sure she's Naomi Watanabe who is perhaps best known for being the Japanese Beyonce. She's also the big boned lady in most Fit's gum commercials. Merry Christmas to one and all!

Juice=Juice -- Don't be spiteful, but embrace me

I've been getting so much mail asking me what Juice=Juice is up to, and I always give the same answer, "Juice=Juice is just being Juice=Juice." I've recently received a few violent threats, so today I'll be giving a more concrete answer. One of the girls' newest songs is entitled Don't be spiteful, but embrace me in English. This is a horrible translation. It should be something like, "Don't be mean. Hold me." Anyway, it marks something of a change in direction for the gals. You'll remember that in their first single Hug me before I ask you to they wore socks symbolizing which type of fruit they were. That seems to be a thing of the past. Perhaps the group hasn't been as successful as they were hoping, but the music and their overall style are different as well. I can't really describe it. It's kind of like if a guy was having trouble getting girls to notice him and then decided to take up tap dancing.

Again, there are some questionable lyrics. Some of the members are still in junior high, and they were made to sing:

Hey, what do you like about me.
Hey, touch me.

Maybe those don't sound so bad, but the first line could be translated, "What part of me do you like?" (this could be a physical part or not) and the second line could more accurately be, "Touch me and see." If the girls were writing their own music that would be one thing, but Tsunku (a 45-year-old man) wrote it.

Zyuden Sentai Kyoryuger

These dudez are basically the newest Power Rangers in Japan. This time they've got some electric dinosaur. I don't know anything about the show, but Wikipedia says it features samba, so it's probably pretty good. That thing on the left can make Christmas noises, and again the advertisement acts like it's awesome that the head of the dinosaur can come off... just as baby Jesus would have hoped.

Anpanman Christmas Cake

Anpan is a bread filled with sweet red beans. That character in the middle is Anpanman, and his head is that type of bread. On either side are Currypanman (Curry Bread Man) and Shokupanman (Sliced Bread Man). Several other characters are depicted around the cake. Most of the characters are food, but some, like the villian Baikinman (Germ Man), are not. Merry Christmas everyone!

Tsutaya and AKB48

Tsutaya is a movie and music rental chain in Japan (which still exist because there's nothing like Netflix here) and it has just turned 30-years-old! To celebrate the occasion, three members of AKB48 dressed up in sexy Santa outfits and exploded giant phallic symbols together. The lady with the reddish brown hair is Haruna Kojima, star of those magic bra commercials. The two other girls ask her how old she is and she replies with a haughty, "Eh?" Probably most of my readers don't understand why this is a funny joke, so let me try and explain it to you. You see, Ms. Kojima is a woman, and many women would like to keep their age a secret because this can be advantages when searching for potential mates. Women can only reproduce for a fixed period of time, and this fact has many ramifications on societies. One effect is that most males of the species prefer younger females (like when Sir Paul McCartney was banging that young one-legged chick). As it happens, Ms. Kojima appears to be young, but she is in fact 25.

I'll pause a moment while you rinse the vomit out of your mouth.

...

Suffice it to say, she'd be lucky to score with my grandfather, and he's been dead for ten years. That's why the joke in the commercial was so funny.

Kamen Rider Gaim Cake

Little girls everywhere will be happy to know that they can get their very own Kamen Rider Gaim Christmas cake this year. Look, a little action figure comes with the cake,and, get this, the head rotates! Also, you get a little sound making device that says, "Merry Christmas," "Jingle bell," and, "Happy time." The batteries are sold separately. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Kumamon Cake

I can't tell you how much mail I get requesting me to write about the erotic bakery scene in Japan. Yes, it's true that I'm an expert on the subject, but this is just one topic I don't want to cover. I mean, if I publish all my knowledge, suddenly my favorite little bakery is crowded with other erotic cake enthusiasts. Instead, I've decided to take a look at some cakes you could have ordered for Christmas (in Japan you traditionally eat a cake on Christmas Eve).

This is a Kumamon cake. Kumamon is a character from Kumamoto amd kuma means bear.

 As you can see, it's a traditional "face cake." It's just a chocolate dome, and they give you some plastic pieces to make Kumamon's face. Nothing says Christmas like enjoying the sweet, sweet innards of a bear's face.

Keep reading all week for more Christmas cake news.

Santa-san

I think there was some study that people get depressed during the holidaze because they don't hear enough Christmas songs. Well, Momo Clover Z is here to help with their song "Santa-san." It's a couple of years old, but it will still help you celebrate the birth of our lord and savior. It's got of ton of great ideas, like treating each other like Christmas trees, locking someone in the fridge while caroling, hitting all your friends in the face with Christmas cakes (hilarious), and, or course, Christmas hog piles. Also, I'm guessing this song holds the record for the most times "Santa" is said in a song since the chorus is his name over and over (quite catchy).

The Walkman Is Back

Leader: Okay guyz, for some reason the Walkman isn't consider to "be jammin" by today's youth. How are we gonna right this ship?

Short Legs: Well, according to our research, a lot of young people "are into" music, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe our product can be used for hearing music?

Leader: No, I should have made that clear. Everybody, did you get that? The Walkman can be used to play music while walking.

Short Legs: So, um, maybe we could use some cool music?

Leader: Intriguing. Any ideas on what music we could use?

Four Eyes: Ahh, my little sister is always listening to this song "I Love Rock N Roll."

Leader: Your sister is in her 50s, right?

Short Legs: Is that that Weird Al song about ice cream?

Four Eyes: No, it's that Joan Jett song about having sex with a 17-year-old boy.

Leader: Oh, having sex with 17-year-old boys is still cool, right?

Short Legs: It's just one of those things that never goes out of style...

Leader:...Like the Walkman! Looks like we've got our commercial gentleman, unless anyone has any better ideas.

Rico: Actually, I stayed up all last night working on...

Leader: Okay, just to be clear, my stomach is growling for a popcorn break right now, so whatever you say better be good enough to justify keeping my tummy from getting the yummy goodness it deserves.

Rico: ...No...I was just working on how...I think we need more popcorn breaks...and we should have one now...and...

Leader: Great minds think alike, Rico!

Kagome Ketchup Chips Review

Japanese Food Review #76

Kagome makes the most popular ketchup in Japan, and they've finally teamed up with Calbee to make a chip I might not have to dip in ketchup (or I could go for double the ketchup). This chip really did taste just like ketchup and somehow managed to not be awful. It could have been renamed McDonald's fries flavor, and I would've bought it. So, it's like eating fast food fries, but worse.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4.5 Again, surprisingly ok.
Girlbot: 7  She says she would be fine with buying them again someday. Apparently that earns them a 7.
Overall: 5.75

Porn Box

The top script reads, "This postbox is for adult magazines. Don't put garbage or newspapers in it.” The bottom explains that they'll also take porno books and DVDs. They seem to have forgotten to add, "Seriously, only your premo porn!" These boxes are found at some train stations in Gifu. I guess they think people will give up their porn and that will make the community better. A couple of thoughts:

1. If this did persuade you to give up your porn, why would you want to throw it away in the porn box in front of all the other train passengers, or would you just stand near the box until there's no one at the station?
2. If you're a kid who hasn't figured out how to watch porn on the internet, I bet you could figure out how to stick your arm into the local porn box at the station.

Turtle

One of my neighbors has a large turtle that is often trying to escape from the 2nd story balcony. I don't have to go to the zoo to see depressed animals anymore!

Daily Foods

People often wonder how Japanese people seem to stay so healthy. I tend to believe that the secret is the culture's emphasis on the importance of eating daily foods. These are the foods that you absolutely must eat everyday to stay healthy. You know, foods like milk, fruit yoghurt, butter, cheese, Gouda cheese, Camembert cheese, Edam cheese, cheese slicer, etc.

Kyary's ALOOK CM

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu is in a new commercial for ALOOK glasses. Kyary's wearing a dress made of glasses and is starring alongside a goat in some sort of a wasteland (talk about every guyz sexual fantasy). The slogan at the end of the ad is ミレ　ミラレル or, "see, be seen." I think that, "see a goat, be seen by a goat," makes way more sense, but apparently it was too long. The ALOOK website explains that while it's true that glasses have become fashionable, most glasses look alike. There's a wide variety of clothing and hairstyles, so why isn't the same true for glasses? ALOOK's glasses will help you express your identity to the world. So... what kind of person are you? A neon green type of guy? No? Oh, so you're more into neon pink? No? Wait...so what kind of neon color are you into? Huh? Neon brown? I've never heard...wait...just brown? I get it. Have fun conforming with your brown glasses you fascist! Get out of our store!

KFC Christmas 2013

As I sort of promised you in my insightful piece on Lotteria's Merry Xmas package, today we will be looking at KFC's Christmas specials.

The two main packages will run you about $40 a piece. The only difference between the two is that the top one offers 8 pieces of original chicken, while the bottom only offers 4 originals and 6 chicken tenders. You also get a plate, a cake, and a salad (yuck) with chicken on top (yum?). If you want people to think you're classy, but you still really want KFC, you can choose from their special menu.

They offer a roasted breast (already hilarious) filled with shrimp-mushroom-cheese crean. Wait, but know shrimp dogs? Lotteria wins again.

Milky Cookies Review

Japanese Food Review #75

Milky is a brand of milk flavored taffy. That might sound weird/disgusting, but they're actually quite good. Still, it's not a flavor I would expect to translate well in cookie form. I just recently noticed these cookies in the local supermarket. Below Milky, it says "sabure" which means "sablé" (I guess that's a French shortbread). At the bottom of the box a message informs us that they have a half-cooked texture. Indeed, the cookies were of the softer variety and tasted like fake cookie dough. The outer ring is not delicious, but it's fine. The center, while still clearly being a cookie, was very sweet and soft and tasted way to much like the taffy version of Milkys.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3.5 I considered giving them a four because they're edible, but I will definitely never purchase them again.
Girlbot: 2 She only ate half a cookie.
Overall: 2.75

The Sun Lounge

If you want to look cool like these folks, just head to The Sun Lounge. I'm not sure where you can get one of those stylish crotch stars, but you could try asking the front desk.