Hello Kitty and Golden Bomber Together at Last

Mister Donut poisoned a dozen customers last week, but all has been forgiven since they were able to accomplish what we've all been having fever dreams about for the last six months: put Golden Bomber and Hello Kitty together in a 15 second commercial.

The ad begins with three members spotting Hello Kitty, or Kitty-chan as she's known in Japan, but they point out that it can't be Kitty-chan because she's not wearing a ribbon. They then see another member of Golden Bomber, Kenji Darvish, inside Mister Donut wearing a ribbon in his hair and sitting with two high school girls for some reason. They wonder if he is Kitty-chan. Cut to him saying basically, "You're not Kitty-chan without the ribbon, right?" And everyone else says, "Right." This all makes perfect sense because Mister Donut has added ribbons to some of their doughnuts.

Fax Machines and Cat Piss: A Deadly Combination

Is this cat considering burning you to death?

Fax machines are still widely used in Japan (see more in The New York Times). A couple different times I've sent an email asking someone to email a copy of something to me. The reply was, "What's your fax number?" That's why this news can even exist.

According to Yomiuri Shimbun, Brother company announced that fax machines produced by the company between January of 2005 and February of this year could burst into flames when they come into contact with cat urine. Apparently a short can be caused when a cat urinates into the hole where paper comes out. No word yet on if human urine or goat urine has the same effect. No injuries have been reported.

Pucoo

Lotte, the maker of Fit's gum, has come out with a gum designed for women whose stomachs are 80% empty. I don't think I've ever thought, "Hmm, the old belly's gotta be sittin' at 72% empty 'bouts now," but apparently some Japanese are able to calculate that. Also, I'm guessing that when a man's stomach reaches the 80% empty mark, he is expected to eat something or, better yet, sneak some whiskey. The gum seems to be like Fit's in every way except for the fact that glucomannan has been added. Apparently this food additive can be used as an appetite suppressant.

This ad shows how it works. If you're anything like a Japanese woman, when you get hungry a monster angel makes you think everyone is talking about food.

The first man says, "Printo ongegai." (Please make a copy of this.)

The monster angel says, "Purin tabenai." (Aren't you going to eat some pudding?)

She goes on to mishear, "What happened with the goods?" for, "Cinnamon Doughnuts?" and, "Sales are going up," for, "The fried chicken is done." Clearly this woman is mentally ill and should be fired (not to mention who wants a fat tub of lard like her around anyway?).

So... Japanese Gum Review #7 : Double Grapefruit Jelly Pucoo

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4  The flavor is good, but I'm grossed out by the extra chemical.
Girlbot: 5  She offers the insight that it tastes like grapefruit, pretty close to the real thing.
Overall: 4.5

Japanese Food Review #43: The Mexican Salt Doritos

Let's be clear, this isn't any old Mexican salt. This is "the Mexican salt," so imagine my surprise when it didn't taste like cocaine at all! It wasn't even spicy. I guess "the Mexican salt" is Japanese for "lightly salted." Apparently the salt in this bag actually comes from a Mexican lagoon, but I have no idea why that would be appealing. There are several snacks in Japan that boast of having exotic salts, but to my untrained tongue, they all taste quite similar to wherever the normal salt I eat is from.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 4   They're not actually bad, but they're boring.
Girlbot: 5   She described them as "chip" flavor.
Overall: 4.5

Soul Bar

All three things written on this sign are already a little strange, but when you check out their website, you realize it's just a normal bar that plays soul music. Yep, exactly what you'd expect from a soul bar. Like if you click on "News," there's a photo of woman who is apparently having an orgasm. If you click "Access," you see a woman hugging a gun. If you click on "Dr.Smith," you see a strange picture of Dr. Smith from Lost in Space along with a super long explanation of his character and the show. The writer of this (I'm assuming the owner) finishes by saying he would like to become like Dr. Smith (who I believe was a flamboyant, cowardly villain). I guess that explains why he opened a soul bar. I've only seen a bit of the show, but I remember how much Dr. Smith and the robot loved drinking hard liquor and listening to soul music.

We Love Egg

This giant egg is outside of a maternity and gynecology clinic. I can't think of anything better to put a woman suffering from infertility at ease.

Would You Like Bleach with Your Doughnut?

 A Mister Donut store in Osaka mistakenly served drinking water with a large amount of bleach in it last Friday. After closing the shop, employees usually put the water pitchers in a sink to soak in a water and bleach mixture overnight, but a part-time employee instead filled the pitchers with the bleach, put the lids on, and left them to soak. The next morning, a different employee mistakenly thought someone had already rinsed the pitchers and prepared the drinking water, so it was served to customers. Starting around noon, three people, including a three-year-old and a female high school student,  felt sick and went to the hospital. About a dozen others reported symptoms, but no one became seriously ill.

This is all fine and good, but mainichi.jp reported the water contained 600 ppm of chlorine, or about 600 to 6000 times the amount of chlorine found in normal drinking water in Japan. In fact, 10 ppm of chlorine is thought to be too much even for a swimming pool. I don't mean to brag, but I think in a blind taste test I could tell the difference between tap water and pool water let alone poison cleaning water. The little kid drinking it I can kind of understand, but every other person must have thought, "Does the water kind of taste like death today? Oh well, I don't want to bother anyone."

Gonzo Tambourine Master

This up-and-coming artist is going to be huge. The lights don't come on until 16 sec. Please be patient for the Jimi Hendrix of the tambourine world.

Gonzo claims to have the perfect body measurements.
Bust: 100cm
Waist: 100cm
Hips: 100cm

Canned Beverage

Like most guyz the only thing I care about concerning the selection of canned beverages in a vending machine is that they are outstanding, at least among others. I don't know, boyz will be boyz, I guess.

Cuvilady

This is just my opinion, but Cuvilady has got to be one of the top balance chairs in the Japanese market these days. Kubireru means to be constricted, and kubire can sometimes describe a small waist. There is no difference between K and C, B and V, or R and L in Japanese, so Cuvilady is an incredibly witty name. The band here is Kara, a Korean group that's pretty big in Japan. They're doing all the moves that Korean girl bands are seemingly required to do in music videos.

Japanese Food Review #42: Butter Ball

The folks at Butter Ball are marketing geniuses. They know that when people see orange, red, yellow, green, white and black together, they just need to have it. Also they know that people waste a lot of their time rolling butter into little balls before consuming it. Despite boasting that this product is made from fresh butter and cream, it doesn't really taste like butter at all. It actually tastes like lemon shortcake, but that flavor must sound less appealing than "butter" to the Japanese. The front of the bag doesn't even mention that there is a lemon flavor involved for some reason. I have to say, "I love sucking on a butter ball," just rolls of the tongue better than "a lemon shortcake ball."

Ratings:
Gaybot: 8   I was pleasantly surprised. I thought it would be awful, but now I can truly say, if you only try one butter flavored hard candy this year, this should probably be the one.
Girlbot: 7  The were better than she thought they'd be.

Amazing Leap in Diaper Changing Technology

Have you ever noticed that changing an elderly person's diaper doesn't smell so pleasant? And have you thought, "This is one of the most pressing problems in the world. We've got to do something about this!" Well, some scientists in Japan agree with you. The Ando Corporation has invented a machine that attempts to eliminate the bad smells pouring from soiled diapers. The machine uses a type of charcoal that absorbs the foul odors. When asked why the old techniques of plugging your nose or not breathing through your nose needed to be improved upon, a "scientist" replied, "Those techniques aren't making anyone a f@cking yen," and went on to say, "That's what animals do. I've seen my dog eat its own puke. Why don't you do that too?" When asked if he thought hospitals really needed such a large machine that could only be used for a comparatively insignificant task, he replied, "Are you asking if there's too much crap in hospitals. No pun intended!" Most observers say the pun was almost certainly intended.

Fun

This is the perfect place to drink for depressed loners who have trouble communicating with normals.

Unhappy Fish

This fish would be so bummed out if you drove in the left lane after a major earthquake.

White Boy Touches Boobs

This happened awhile ago, but I hadn't seen this Taiwanese style animation until now. Tomomi Kasai, and 21-year-old-member of AKB48, posed topless for a magazine shoot while a white child cupped her breasts. No problem, right? Wrong! Apparently child pornography laws protect not only Japanese children, but all children. Weird, right? You can't blame the magazine for not knowing all these strange, archaic laws. The magazine was pulled from the shelves and the police ultimately decided not to press charges (I'm guessing at least partially because it was the greatest day of the boy's life).

Hair Coloring

Admit it. Every time you see an upside-down face you just have to start hair coloring! I thought this would be a good chance to get an interesting conversation going. So, what's you're favorite hair color spot? Mine is hands down Coloria!!!

Pirates Canoe

The Japanese have stolen another pretty good band name away from the rest of the world. It's crazy that a group of Japanese are writing original songs in English that sound like early 20th century American pop songs. Just more evidence that we won the war. They're on tour in the US now if anyone's interested. Check out their site.

Rhino Poop

People are always asking, "Why do the citizens of Japan have such wonderful imaginations?!" I think it's because people are encouraged from a very young age to look at the world from different perspectives. This beautiful mural at the Higashiyama Zoo, for instance, challenges one to ask, "What if a rhino could crap deer poop?"

Smart Mist

Human 1: Okay guys, a lot of people don't know what a great car cleaning product Smart Mist is, so we've gotta come up with a really informative ad. Any ideas?
Human 2: You know how it not only makes the body shining, but also makes it water retardant?
Human 1: I'm well aware of that, but I've told you a million times, no making fun of retards in the ad.
Human 2: No, I'm saying, that's two things, right?
Human 1: Right.
Human 2: So...two pandas!
Human 1: I'm... not exactly sure what that has to do with our product.
Human 2: Two orange pandas!
Human 1: Okay, I like where you're going here, but pandas can't talk.
Human 2: Oh yeah, shoot.
Human 3: Um, a baby witch?
Human 1: Babies also can't talk.
Human 2: Little girl witch?!
Human 1: I think we just may have something boyz!

Japanese Food Review #41: Cheeseburger Cheetos

Pepsi and Frito Lay have finally joined forces to make a special flavor of Cheetos. Many of you are probably thinking, "Wait, I thought Pepsi and Frito Lay were part of the same company." To you I say, "Shut your stupid mouth. Don't ruin this for us. You can burn in hell for all I care." Anyway, you're supposed to enjoy these with a tall Pepsi, but I had it with a Coke instead. I've got a ton of thoughts on the whole Pepsi vs. Coke war, but Tim Heidecker sums up my thoughts really well. I was expecting these to taste like beef with maybe a little ketchup flavor, but they seriously tasted like a juicy cheeseburger with all those toppings. It's an artificial flavor I've never tasted before.

Ratings: 
Gaybot: 7  I don't think I ever need to eat these again, but if you ever get the chance, I encourage you to try them out. I guess I'd just rather eat a real burger.
Girlbot: 6.5  She says the flavor is amazing, but she doesn't like them.
Overall: 6.75

Unite Unite

I realize this blog is getting a little Kyary heavy, but she's been a busy lady, and I'm assuming she'll have a nervous breakdown at some point, so I'm just going to keep posting this crap. This is kind of an ad she did with Adidas for the song Unite Unite. The song is a b-side on the Ninja Ri Bang Bang single coming out next week. It's not that good, and you don't really need to watch this unless you're really into human disco balls. The song starts at 40 sec.

Dick Festival

If you're free and in Aichi Prefecture this Friday, it's probably worth your time to head over to Tagata Shrine and check out the Hounen Matsuri, or penis festival. Basically people rub a bunch of dicks and then some guys carrying around a freshly carved, huge, wooden dick. It's supposed to assure a good harvest. The sky is a man and the earth is a woman... so... yeah, a big wooden dick. Ladies, don't feel left out. There's also a large vagina rock nearby. It is also said to help those with fertility problems, but it seems most people go there to laugh at a giant wooden dick. There are a bunch of stands where you can buy penis shaped candy, so it's kind of like a bachelorette party except way more spiritual and stuff. Here's a video somebody made five years ago:

Nagoya Women's Marathon

The Nagoya Women's Marathon was held on Sunday. It's for women only because stupid men just slow us down! Am I right, ladies? I did notice that several women ran with their boyfriends or husbands because women can't do anything without the help of a man! Right guyz? Here's one such cute couple:

I apologize if that dude on the right isn't a dude.
Also check out this cool toilet sign sponsored by Nike:

It seems logical to associate your products with taking a crap.

Ninjari Bang Bang PV to Blow Minds

Check out Ninjari Bang Bang, or Ninjya Re Bang Bang as the video says:

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's new video is out, and it doesn't disappoint. I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've seen an animated robot do the Kid 'n Play dance move (the ol' turn your arm and leg into a jump rope). The single comes out next week. I think this is the second song in a row written by Yasutaka Nakata where a singer in the video has their arm turn into a Megaman type weapon.

Candy Sushi

Here's another Popin' Cookin' fake food set. It's grape flavored sushi. Unlike the curry, the main ingredient is not potato powder but rather sugar. It actually tastes okay, and the ikura (salmon eggs) are pretty cool. The video:

Flavono

Wait, this tasty breath freshening gum is for your mouth. Is this why my nose feels so weird?

The Stylish Invader

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu and GU have teamed up once again (you guyz wouldn't shut up about it the first time) this time selling "kyu-kyu leggings pants". Kyu means nine and they cost 990 yen, so it's super witty. Kyary is playing the role of the おしゃれインベーダー (the stylish invader) and is traveling all over the world to make people wear cheap clothes and also change their hair color and sex? The song title, インベーダーインベーダー (Invader Invader), is genius.

Choco Boru

Just try watching this twenty times in a row and tell me you're not craving... something... ahhh...LSD laced whiskey? To be honest, there are very few things I see that don't make me crave that particular beverage, but this happens to be an ad for Choco Boru (chocolate balls). There is a delightful play on words here. They keep shouting Kue (koo-eh), which means eat and is the sound a bird makes as well! Eat, eat, eat, chocolate balls. That's kind of funny. Not for the reason they wanted it to be funny, but still sort of funny. If you want to learn the dance, check out this video. They're going on tour this summer, and you don't want to be the only idiot freestyle dancing.

Relax Time

You don't even need to read this sign. The soothing pattern alone let's you know, "I'm definitely about to have a relax time."

Sakura Flavor Update

Girlbot has really been getting into sakura flavored items and she enjoyed this sakura frappuccino at Starbucks a while back. Just wanted to let you know that if you haven't already tried it, you are a huge loser. Starbucks has already stopped serving it a full month before the cherry blossoms actually bloom. If you're still craving it, I used my Majik Tongue TM  to decipher the recipe. First, get a box of Lucky Charms and pick out all the marshmallows. Then mix with whole milk, ice, and as much sugar as you can get to dissolve. Top with whipped cream and pink white chocolate.

Japanese Food Review #40: Gourmet Corn Potage Doritos

Corn potage, or cream corn soup, is very popular in Japan. In no way would I consider it a gourmet item seeing as heated cans of it are often sold from vending machines. Girlbot has been known to purchase these cans from time to time, but I would never consider it.

Ratings:
Gaybot: 3  I was tempted to give it a higher score because they did an amazing job simulating the original flavor, but I remembered I don't care for that flavor, and the aftertaste was horrible.
Girlbot: 5 This comment really tells you a lot about these chips, "It wasn't bad, but it wasn't super delicious, so 5."
Overall: 4

Anti-Pollen Glasses

Many Japanese have terrible allergies in the spring. The biggest problem is that following WWII, cedar trees were planted all over to produce wood quickly, but the pollen produced from the trees now gives millions of people hay fever. In response to this, Jins has come out with these anti-pollen glasses. They're basically goggles that look like glasses and prevent 93% of pollen from entering your eyes. Anyway, we can finally have those pink sand fights we've always dreamed of.

Horrible People Working at Schools

There were two stories concerning horrible school employees in the news this week. The first occurred on Feb. 28 when the thief who had been stealing money from an elementary school staff room in Osaka was finally caught. It turned out the vice-principal had been taking money from teacher's purses and wallets for over two months. At least 235,000 yen had been stolen. He had been passed over for a promotion and was trying to make the principal, who he did not have a good relationship with, look bad. I would have drawn a penis on his car using soap, but to each his own, I suppose. Check out more details in on japantoday.com.

The other story concerns a 30 year old special education teacher in Fukuoka. According to police reports, he tied his smartphone up in the laces of his shoes and attempted to take a photo of a female elementary student's underwear in a book store. A security guard thought his actions looked suspicious and apprehended him. Your first thought might be, "I'm glad this pedophile was such an idiot," but the police found several shots of underwear on the phone. His only quote in the article was, "I'm interested in underwear." Check out the original Japanese article from Yomiuri.

Woody Space

Blah, blah, blah... erection joke! (dismay, laughter, thunderous applause)

Curry Set

In the candy aisle for kids, there are all these sets to make miniature versions of food. Sometimes they have a candy flavor, but this one actually tasted like curry. The main ingredient is potato powder. Here's a video:

MEeTERRACE

Leave it to the Japanese to come up with another crazy business idea. A cafe & deli... with food?! Okay, good luck with that one, guyz.

Kibo Robot Project

Japan will send a small android to the international space station this summer and have released this promotional video. The robot is said to be able to recognize faces as well as understand and speak Japanese. The official website says the robot was created to keep humans company in a society where more and more people are living alone. I think a side goal might be making a huge amount of money by causing every child in Japan to beg their parents for a new toy robot. They released another video of the robot being tested in zero gravity. Amazingly,... it floated. The scientists seemed to think the fact that it could still shake hands in zero gravity was something to note.

Police Officer Enjoys Photographing Women's Underwear

For your viewing pleasure, a video from ANN news:
I'm not sure how much this happens in the rest of the world, but it's a big deal in Japan. Anyway, a 31-year-old police officer was caught taking pictures up women's skirts at Shibuya Station in Tokyo. When his computer was examined, underwear shots of 161 different women were found. No word yet on why he didn't simply masturbate to porn on the internet. Please stay tuned. The news responsibly decided to film unsuspecting women's legs to report on the story of the man who is a criminal for taking unsolicited photos of women's legs.

Fun Your Life!

The weekend is finally upon us! It's time to fun your life! Come on, let that single note flutter away from your hand! Actually, this is an ad for adult music lessons. Like I've said a million times, the Japanese know fun.